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Fiance's family treats him poorly...


patriotsgirl

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My fiance and I are supposed to get married in 3 months. However, I have some issues with his family and our financial situation. He is going to grad school this soon. I will have to cover all of our living expenses for the first yr.I don't mind but....

 

I'm not as healthy as I could be I suffer from chronic fatigue. I make enough money to pay for my living expenses. I could make more if I was healthier. I am working on improving my health. But it is really stressful for me to cover living expenses while he is in school for the first yr bc I would need to make about double what I'm making in order to not have to downgrade my quality of living. Also I work on commission. I don't want to live on a tight budget.

 

His family treats him unfairly and it's not fair to me either. He says he doesn't want to work during his first yr of med school bc it will be difficult. But he will work the next yrs and use his income to pay for school. I will still be paying for everything. His parents give all of his siblings a monthly allowance of $900. One of siblings partners makes the same amount I do. He is the only one of their kids who doesn't get an allowance bc he has always been more responsible and not needy. He dislikes the situation too. But he won't do anything about it.

 

I want him to stop talking to them bc they are treating him horribly. Why should I have to help him make it through grad school while they do nothing. I know he is an adult but it's really unfair that they have favorites. Some of this siblings don't even work or go to school and still get an allowance. I am willing to cover everything bc he said he's willing to take care of me after school but he should cut ties with his family.

 

Cliffs

 

fiance wants me to cover living expenses during grad school

 

I don't really mind but

 

it's difficult bc I work on commission and I have health issues

 

his parents help support all of their kids except him

 

I think he should become estranged from his family

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Read this carefully:

PRE-NUP.

 

 

Seriously. If you support him for his first year of med school, you might be putting yourself into debt to get him a high-paying job and if the marriage doesn't last, you will have screwed yourself in the process.

 

See a lawyer and get a pre-nup....

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Tricky. While I agree that it's unfair that his parents are supporting his siblings and not him, I think it's presumptuous of him to ask you to pay for him. It's one thing for you to offer to support him, but he shouldn't be asking.

 

Out of curiosity, how old is he? How old are you? Med school is serious stuff - has he got a solid track record of completing previous study and courses? Have his parents told you that him being responsible is the reason they won't support him - or did he tell you that? Have you told his parents that he's come to you for support?

 

I looked at your history with this guy and your posts are full of misgivings. Patriotsgirl, you won't have even been with him for a year when you get married. This combined with all the concerns you've been having make me think you're headed for a big trainwreck.

 

I suggest you tell him that your health isn't up to doubling your hours and that you can't support him.

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Tricky. While I agree that it's unfair that his parents are supporting his siblings and not him, I think it's presumptuous of him to ask you to pay for him. It's one thing for you to offer to support him, but he shouldn't be asking.

 

Out of curiosity, how old is he? How old are you? Med school is serious stuff - has he got a solid track record of completing previous study and courses? Have his parents told you that him being responsible is the reason they won't support him - or did he tell you that? Have you told his parents that he's come to you for support?

 

I looked at your history with this guy and your posts are full of misgivings. Patriotsgirl, you won't have even been with him for a year when you get married. This combined with all the concerns you've been having make me think you're headed for a big trainwreck.

 

I suggest you tell him that your health isn't up to doubling your hours and that you can't support him.

 

We are both 27. His parents support his brother who never worked or went to college. So I'm not really sure what their reasoning is for not supporting him. I think maybe it's bc he's always held a job so they don't feel like he needs them idk. We both have political sci degrees that we didn't use. I work in sales. He took on different jobs over the yrs after graduating and decided to pursue med school bc he wanted a higher income. I think we both didn't realize our ba degrees would pretty much be useless.

 

I do think the whole me paying for everything came from out of no where. I just kinda agreed but now that I think about it I'm like wtf. I always assumed he would work during his first yr but he said it will be too difficult and most ppl don't work during their first yr of med school.

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Take his parents out of the equation. They are not really your problem. It sounds to me like you have some resentment and hesitation in supporting your fiancé and I think you would still have those feelings even if he had no parents or if his parents weren't giving any of their kids money. I think you should stop thinking about what his parents are or are not doing and start really thinking about what you want to do. If you think supporting you fiancé will be to hard on you and you don't want to it than you shouldn't. Better to put a stop to that plan right now rather than go along with it and end up seething with resentment and unhappiness later.

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Take his parents out of the equation. They are not really your problem. It sounds to me like you have some resentment and hesitation in supporting your fiancé and I think you would still have those feelings even if he had no parents or if his parents weren't giving any of their kids money. I think you should stop thinking about what his parents are or are not doing and start really thinking about what you want to do. If you think supporting you fiancé will be to hard on you and you don't want to it than you shouldn't. Better to put a stop to that plan right now rather than go along with it and end up seething with resentment and unhappiness later.

 

It will be difficult bc of my health. I wouldn't mind as much if there wasn't the situation with his parents. If all of their kids had to struggle equally I would feel better about it. I just don't think he should take trips to visit his family while I pay for it. Or have them show up to his graduation after they did nothing to help him. Basically he wouldn't be able to go to grad school without me. If he doesn't give me the proper recognition for my contribution I will be resentful and unhappy.

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Taking trips to see his parents while you support him? NO way!

 

If you do choose to support him (and I recommend that you don't) you should not give him anything more than food, underwear and a roof over his head. His clothes can come from the thrift store and he doesn't get any new toys, travel or luxuries.

 

As for his parents, I don't think parents should be supporting a 27yo in any way, shape or form. Heaven knows why they are supporting his drop kick brother, but at 27 your guy should be able to support himself. If he can't work the first year of his study, then he should spend this year working and saving and enroll next year.

 

I feel you're being taken advantage of. Think about it like this: Intelligent, able bodied 27yo guy asks sick fiance to support him while he studies. I mean, really??

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DevotedBaker54

That sounds like a lot of stress to be under! I know my finances give me anxiety and I'm not responsible for supporting another person. Is this something you can talk about in marriage counseling? No one wants to start their marriage off in a lot of debt. Maybe you can reach out to his parents and tell them how you feel about all this and help them understand that you cannot support him on your own. Best of luck!

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You have no idea how much his parents spent on his education to date. For all you know they could give the other kids a $900/month allowance for the next 10 years and would still have given him more than they gave them.

 

Personally if one of my son's GF told him to stop talking to me she wouldn't even ever get a card from me. But I'd help him afford a divorce.

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MissCongeniality
You have no idea how much his parents spent on his education to date. For all you know they could give the other kids a $900/month allowance for the next 10 years and would still have given him more than they gave them.

 

Personally if one of my son's GF told him to stop talking to me she wouldn't even ever get a card from me. But I'd help him afford a divorce.

Absolutely agree with this. Two sides to every story.

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I do think the whole me paying for everything came from out of no where. I just kinda agreed but now that I think about it I'm like wtf. I always assumed he would work during his first yr but he said it will be too difficult and most ppl don't work during their first yr of med school.

 

Most don't work during the second, third, and fourth years either. Then there's residency.

 

This has disaster written all over it. What if your health worsens?

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MissCongeniality
Most don't work during the second, third, and fourth years either. Then there's residency.

 

This has disaster written all over it. What if your health worsens?

He probably leeches off people which is probably why his parents don't help him out. He's probably screwed them over and over to the point that they are done with his crap.

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Sounds to me like you two aren't being honest with each other, or else you'd be telling HIM all this. Why marry someone if you can't even talk honestly before the marriage?

 

And I don't understand why you have to get married right now.

 

And you can't make him change how he interacts with his family. PLEASE trust me on this. IF he ever changes how he interacts with them, it will be two or three decades from now, after he's grown up and learned to not 'need' their good opinion. So don't even go there. It will only cause grief in your relationship. What you CAN do is set boundaries over how YOU get pulled into their stuff. Like, if they dis you, you just tell him he's welcome to go visit them but you won't be going with him, AND he'll have to save up his own money to do it. That kind of thing.

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Basically he wouldn't be able to go to grad school without me.

Then he shouldn't even be considering grad school.

 

It is not YOUR responsibility to put HIM through school. The onus of that responsibility is on his shoulders.

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fiance wants me to cover living expenses during grad school
Tough luck.

It shouldn't happen, unless you have a written contract legally drawn up stipulating that he must repay you the full amount, at whatever rate you choose, within an allotted space of time, from a specific date to a finishing date. The last is very important.

 

I don't really mind but
Oh, but you really should...

 

it's difficult bc I work on commission and I have health issues
2 exceptionally good and totally reasonable factors for declining.

 

his parents help support all of their kids except him

Tough do's. I suspect (as do others) that there's more to this than meets the eye....

I think he should become estranged from his family

I think this is neither your choice nor your concern.

This issue is his, and no, I strongly advise you do not make in-laws of them while all this is festering.

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You have no idea how much his parents spent on his education to date. For all you know they could give the other kids a $900/month allowance for the next 10 years and would still have given him more than they gave them.

 

Personally if one of my son's GF told him to stop talking to me she wouldn't even ever get a card from me. But I'd help him afford a divorce.

 

He paid for his education on his own. His father supports his adult sisters bc he feels females are inferior and therefore they need his help more. His youngest brother still lives with them and helps around the house so they feel obligated to help him bc he tries to make himself useful to them.

 

I've witnessed many parents have favorite children. Usually the nicer children are treated poorly while the ass hole children get whatever they want. I'm not here to play nice with his family. If a man loves his wife he will not leave her bc his mother wants him to divorce. I personally would not speak to parents who treat me like I'm their least favorite.

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He paid for his education on his own. His father supports his adult sisters bc he feels females are inferior and therefore they need his help more. His youngest brother still lives with them and helps around the house so they feel obligated to help him bc he tries to make himself useful to them.

 

I've witnessed many parents have favorite children. Usually the nicer children are treated poorly while the ass hole children get whatever they want. I'm not here to play nice with his family. If a man loves his wife he will not leave her bc his mother wants him to divorce. I personally would not speak to parents who treat me like I'm their least favorite.

 

And you know this for a fact? Or is it just what your boyfriend tells you. Your boyfriend's request of you is SO unethical that I wouldn't be at all surprised if his parents have also been burned or used by him - hence refusing to support him.

 

Even if his version of events is true, how you feel about his parents ethics should make no difference to the outcome of your decision whether or not to pay for him. I also think that if you get in the way of his relationship with them, it's not going to end well for you.

 

Regarding your decision: all I can see is that one person is taking advantage of another person who's earning capacity is severely limited by her health. Add the fact that he hasn't even known you for a year....I just wonder how many other women have rejected his cry for help.

 

Edited to add: If you say that you can't support him, will he leave you or put guilt trips on you?

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Wait, what? You haven't known him for a year? And you're already getting married? Holy cow! BAD move! I don't care HOW nice or loving her is, he went looking for someone to pay his bills. I hope you're not living together.

 

Here's a litmus test. Go to him and tell him you're getting cold feet and you aren't ready to marry, nor live with him. Tell him you want to continue dating for the next couple years.

 

See what he does. If he says ok, he understands, no pressure...keep dating him.

 

My guess is he's going to go ballistic and start guilting you BIG time until you cave and do it his way.

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When two people get married it changes a lot. Personally IMO, you don't sound ready for marriage. If my H was going to medical school to become a Dr knowing one day his salary will be sufficient enough to later on allow me to take a break from work, what's the complaint? When you get married it's what's best for you as a couple in your future together. As for his family, well you're getting married, you know like grown ups. If you're grownup enough to marry, you should be taking on that responsibility on your own! Help is not owed or should be expected. You can't blame his family for your finances as a couple, that's what marriage is about...your own lives together, separate from your parents.

 

Now if this is truly not what you want to do, that only involves you & your fiancé...no one else.

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Wait, what? You haven't known him for a year? And you're already getting married? Holy cow! BAD move! I don't care HOW nice or loving her is, he went looking for someone to pay his bills. I hope you're not living together.

 

Here's a litmus test. Go to him and tell him you're getting cold feet and you aren't ready to marry, nor live with him. Tell him you want to continue dating for the next couple years.

 

See what he does. If he says ok, he understands, no pressure...keep dating him.

 

My guess is he's going to go ballistic and start guilting you BIG time until you cave and do it his way.

 

I talked with him last night and he actually suggested this on his own after I expressed my concerns to him. So I don't think he's using me for money. He's not really upset that his parents don't assist him financially bc he says money isn't everything. I think he just mentions it bc he feels unloved by them in general. He said since he was a kid they would never spend enough time with him. They have many children. Even now he still feels like his dad blows him off. I think he wants their approval and time more than money. I also believe he wants my love and time more than my money. He suggested we get a prenup when we do get married to make me feel better.

 

I am not so upset that they don't financially assist him. But upset that he feels like they don't love him in general. He reminds me a lot of my mom who had a similar relationship with her parents. She was always extremely fair as a result. He won't express his feelings he just leaves the elephant in the room. I wouldn't be involved with parents who treat me like that.

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When two people get married it changes a lot. Personally IMO, you don't sound ready for marriage. If my H was going to medical school to become a Dr knowing one day his salary will be sufficient enough to later on allow me to take a break from work, what's the complaint? When you get married it's what's best for you as a couple in your future together. As for his family, well you're getting married, you know like grown ups. If you're grownup enough to marry, you should be taking on that responsibility on your own! Help is not owed or should be expected. You can't blame his family for your finances as a couple, that's what marriage is about...your own lives together, separate from your parents.

 

Now if this is truly not what you want to do, that only involves you & your fiancé...no one else.

 

I understand that this will benefit me in the future. He is a very independent person and I don't think he likes the idea of me supporting him. He has said I can quit my job if I want after he graduates. My entire life I've been an individual who has had to struggle on my own so it's a bit difficult to see things differently he mentioned that I don't understand marriage means you become one. I get it I'm just afraid bc I've been alone my entire life so it's strange to have someone else there. I resent the way his parents treat him bc I will help him make it through school while they pay for his sister to make it through school. She's about the same age as him but his father is willing to help her bc she's a girl and he thinks women are inferior and therefore she needs his help. I don't want to sit next to these ppl at his graduation knowing I did everything and they did absolutely nothing.

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I understand that this will benefit me in the future. He is a very independent person and I don't think he likes the idea of me supporting him. He has said I can quit my job if I want after he graduates. My entire life I've been an individual who has had to struggle on my own so it's a bit difficult to see things differently he mentioned that I don't understand marriage means you become one. I get it I'm just afraid bc I've been alone my entire life so it's strange to have someone else there. I resent the way his parents treat him bc I will help him make it through school while they pay for his sister to make it through school. She's about the same age as him but his father is willing to help her bc she's a girl and he thinks women are inferior and therefore she needs his help. I don't want to sit next to these ppl at his graduation knowing I did everything and they did absolutely nothing.

 

So, everything is peachy then!

 

He shouldn't have a problem with you moving the wedding date out then. Girl, you've known him less than a year, he binge drinks, he's let you know he likes bigger boobs, and he's made distasteful jokes about your deceased sister.

 

This guy doesn't have the compassion to become a doctor. Do you realize that?

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I understand that this will benefit me in the future. He is a very independent person and I don't think he likes the idea of me supporting him. He has said I can quit my job if I want after he graduates. My entire life I've been an individual who has had to struggle on my own so it's a bit difficult to see things differently he mentioned that I don't understand marriage means you become one. I get it I'm just afraid bc I've been alone my entire life so it's strange to have someone else there. I resent the way his parents treat him bc I will help him make it through school while they pay for his sister to make it through school. She's about the same age as him but his father is willing to help her bc she's a girl and he thinks women are inferior and therefore she needs his help. I don't want to sit next to these ppl at his graduation knowing I did everything and they did absolutely nothing.

 

Since you've been on your own, it seems you haven't experienced a close ethnic family. You are making problems where there are none. You will not win against his family & there isn't a reason I compete. What they do with their kids, is none of your business. You seem to be jealous that his sister gets this treatment, it's customary in many cultures that the father takes care of their daughter's a little more than their sons monetarily.

 

Im just being honest, you're entering this marriage on the wrong foot & the last thing you want in a new marriage is to not be getting along with your Inlaws.

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Since you've been on your own, it seems you haven't experienced a close ethnic family. You are making problems where there are none. You will not win against his family & there isn't a reason I compete. What they do with their kids, is none of your business. You seem to be jealous that his sister gets this treatment, it's customary in many cultures that the father takes care of their daughter's a little more than their sons monetarily.

 

Im just being honest, you're entering this marriage on the wrong foot & the last thing you want in a new marriage is to not be getting along with your Inlaws.

 

It is my business how they treat him if he is always telling me he feels like he's their least favorite or feels unloved by them. I don't need to get along with them. I don't tolerate bs from my own family. I don't speak to 80% of my fily bc they have offended me or wronged me in some way. Most people would say that's extreme but I don't have to get along with anyone. Relative or not.

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