My mother killed herself and I found her body.

[Chin Up]

On Friday November 27th I was visiting my mum at her place. My boyfriend picked me up from there at 530 pm and as I left I told her I'd come by on the upcoming Monday or Tuesday. She told me to have a good weekend and off I went.

 

Monday morning comes and I'm pretty tired so I decide I'll go to her place on Tuesday instead. I called her that night at 630pm and got no answer. Tuesday morning I called her really early in the morning to see if she still wanted me to come by and there was no answer. Its not unusual for my mum to not answer the phone for days/return a call, so I figured she was deep asleep and would call me later. My boyfriends in a pool league on Tuesday nights. I contemplated having him drop me off on his way to pool but decided not to in case mum got pissed off that I had shown up unannounced. I called her again and no answer. My gut was telling me something wasn't right, but like I mentioned before, it was common to not get a hold of her for days when she wasn't feeling social.

 

Wednesday morning I had my boyfriend drop me off at her place. Her front door was unlocked and all the lights were on on the main floor. As soon as I walked in the 2 cats were already at the front door. They looked really weirded out and I figured they needed kibbles or water cuz mum would sometimes forget to check on that. I put my purse on the dining room table and shouted up the stairs "mum! I'm here!" I noticed I couldn't see the TV flickering in her room which was odd. She always slept with it on and muted.

 

I go check on the cats food and water before going up to talk to her. I walk into the kitchen and see 2 massive mixing bowls overflowing with kibbles. 2 regular sized bowls with numerous cans of wet food dumped in them, and bowls of water all over the place. At first I was confused and thought "wtf? Why does she have so much food water left out for the ca....oh s**t!"

 

The rest is blurry. I'd take 2 steps up and shout "MUM!" Then wait for a reply. Go up 2 more steps and shout again. I already knew she was dead but I kept hoping she'd get mad that I woke her and yell "what?!"

 

When I got to the top floor landing I could see she was in bed under the blankets. But I could only see her knees down since her light was out. I screamed "MUM!" A few times and no answer. At that point I knew I had to turn her light on and I was beyond terrified. I started crying and saying mum over and over then flicked the switch.

 

At first I got pissed off and started yelling at her "wtf!!! I've been trying to get a hold of you!" Her eyes were open so for a second I thought the light being turned on had woken her up. As I was getting pissed off at her that's when I saw the comforter was soiled and she was grey like concrete. Her eyes were so terrible. Its not like in movies where they show them being cloudy and white, but there is such an awful glazed over absence of life. She looked like a statue with a brown wig on.

 

I don't remember running down the stairs or much of the 911 call. While on the phone with them, I was pacing in the kitchen and saw a little pile of money, her nice jewelry, and her wallet on a piece of paper. It was a suicide note addressed to me. Basically told me to take care of the cats, take anything I wanted, that she loves me very much but just couldn't do it anymore.

 

Its under the assumption that she took a bunch of pills and wine so I'm waiting for the toxicology results. Its gotten better but I have PTSD from when I turned on the light and saw her. I hate that that's the last time I saw her and will forever have that image in my head when I think of her.

 

Her name was Barbara and she was only 59 years old.

I just don't understand.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm so very sorry you've gone through this. I can't imagine how horrible that was for you.

 

 

I hope you're getting plenty of support as you process this.

[Methodical]

You are still digesting the magnitude of what happened, what you saw and how you feel. I'm sorry for your loss and hope that as each day passes, you get a little bit stronger.

 

((Hugs))

[RRM321]

My sincere sympathy.

 

I can only imagine how painful that is. I think you did well by her, and I'm confident about that because I know this story didn't begin on Friday or end on Wednesday.

 

I hope Barbara has found the peace that was eluding her in life.

I hope and trust that you will use the strength that got you this far to guide you in healing.

[BlueIris]

Chin Up, I am so sorry you went through that.

Dealing with a parent’s death is hard enough in itself.

Sending you hugs and sympathy.

[Lobouspo]

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother OP. My godfather's wife committed suicide over 30 years ago, and its a vivid memory of my early childhood. If you can get into therapy to help you with the grieving process, you may find that beneficial. Sometimes we never know the pain those closest to us are feeling. This is not your fault, so try not to beat yourself up over this.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through and for the loss of your mother. Don't be afraid to ask for help in getting through this difficult time. Reach out to support groups..they will better understand your pain than the average joe or even a therapist. If you don't want to or aren't ready for invidual counseling, at least find groups online or in your local community.

 

Again, I am so sorry and hope you will find peace someday in all this pain and chaos.

Edited February 16, 2016 by seekingpeaceinlove

[preraph]

I'm very sorry you had to find your mom. I urge you to get into therapy as soon as possible if you're having PTSD type symptoms because it's more effective to treat that as soon as possible and becomes more difficult as times goes on, more set in. Please find a therapist and call their office and ask if they can treat PTSD if necessary.

 

I know this isn't a choice right now, but remember your mother would not want you to lose your joy and to carry this as your main image going forward. So try to get some help. I now you must have all kinds of emotions, including anger at her, and just know that that is perfectly normal and even justified in this case. I hope you get through the worst of it soon. Good luck.

[Tayla]

Sorry to hear of this loss, particularly in this way.

 

Come here to receive words of encouragement or to release those thoughts. We are here for you.

 

To you and your family... heal in your own way... at a pace that leads to peace.

 

PTSD, is treatable, please find a service to aid.

[amaysngrace]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

 

((hugs))

[emerald86]

I am so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and sympathies are with you.

 

Sending you hugs. Remember that we're here for you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The fact that she clearly intended and expected you to find her, is of major significance. You should see a therapist and directly address the meaning of her planning for you to find her.

 

Hopefully there is some psychology within (that factor) that you can visualize in a positive light... (but only after hearing a trained therapist's take on the meaning of it).

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so sorry that you found your mom, how awful and my heart hurts for you.

 

It's great you've posted here and please continue posting, but seek counseling to help you process all the feelings you're experiencing.

 

You're in my thoughts.

[ChickiePops]

I have been there. Please know this:

 

1. It's not your fault

2. You could not have stopped it

3. Suicide is incredibly selfish

4. You shouldn't have to deal with it alone

5. Cut yourself a TON of slack..on everything

6. You have to keep living your life..you're still a person..you still have your whole life ahead of you

7. You will be sad, but you can be angry too

8. Your anger is justified

9. This doesn't have any reflection on you as a person..you're still wonderful and worthy of love

 

I am so sorry. I really am.

[Chin Up]

Thanks everyone. I think the PTSD us sorting itself out but I probably should talk to someone anyways. At first it was popping into my head willy-nilky and the shock was still fresh so it really packed a punch back when it was happening all the time. Only happens once a twice a day now and it's more like a bad thought, than a horrible memory. I think having to go in her room multiple times, daily, for the past couple months helped in a weird way. Subjection therapy type thing maybe. Now its just a room where something sad happened, where before it felt like going into the scariest depths of hell.

 

I don't think she intended for me to find her. I was pretty horrified about that for a while and couldn't stop wondering why she'd put me through having to find her. Last call she made was Saturday morning (day after I last saw her) to her friend that was supposed to go over there. Mum called her and left a message saying she was tired and for her friend to come over any time on Sunday instead. Her friend called her back a few hours later and mum didn't answer. Mum made/answered no calls after that message.

 

Lotta firsts went on.

First time losing a parent. My dad took off when I was little so thankfully I won't deal with that again. First time losing someone to suicide, and first time seeing a dead body. All of which was my mum. She was cremated and I had them put my baby bracelet in her urn with her before they sealed it. Not sure why, just felt it was a nice gesture.

[amaysngrace]

I'm glad you're holding up so well and that it's gotten a little bit easier for you.

 

Just please be aware of your reactions. If at any time you feel as though you overreacted, or feel numb rather than feel something that should cause a reaction, it may be time to see somebody about the trauma.

 

xo

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone. I think the PTSD us sorting itself out but I probably should talk to someone anyways. At first it was popping into my head willy-nilky and the shock was still fresh so it really packed a punch back when it was happening all the time. Only happens once a twice a day now and it's more like a bad thought, than a horrible memory. I think having to go in her room multiple times, daily, for the past couple months helped in a weird way. Subjection therapy type thing maybe. Now its just a room where something sad happened, where before it felt like going into the scariest depths of hell.

 

I don't think she intended for me to find her. I was pretty horrified about that for a while and couldn't stop wondering why she'd put me through having to find her. Last call she made was Saturday morning (day after I last saw her) to her friend that was supposed to go over there. Mum called her and left a message saying she was tired and for her friend to come over any time on Sunday instead. Her friend called her back a few hours later and mum didn't answer. Mum made/answered no calls after that message.

 

Lotta firsts went on.

First time losing a parent. My dad took off when I was little so thankfully I won't deal with that again. First time losing someone to suicide, and first time seeing a dead body. All of which was my mum. She was cremated and I had them put my baby bracelet in her urn with her before they sealed it. Not sure why, just felt it was a nice gesture.

 

I'm giving you a big hug right now.

 

You're incredibly strong and wise.

 

Please do the counseling, even if it's once a month, just having someone to talk to will help.

[Orion39]

I am so sorry. I lost my mother suddenly in a car accident years ago and while nothing compared to what you are feeling, I get a little of that sudden loss and hurt. I felt the fear and tension as you wrote, with hope that even at the end it would be okay. I'm so sorry. The best encouragement I can give you is to not shut yourself out-sure you'll need me time but stay in contact with family and friends, take time away to not think about it. Let yourself heal and move on in your own time. There is no set grieving process, there are stages but no particular order you have to do them in. I hope you can find some solace, in a support group, counseling, friends or by another constructive means. There will be better days again and there will be sad days again in the years to come when those happen keep those important to you close and remember the good times you had.

[Orion39]

I am so sorry. I lost my mother suddenly in a car accident years ago and while nothing compared to what you are feeling, I get a little of that sudden loss and hurt. I felt the fear and tension as you wrote, with hope that even at the end it would be okay. I'm so sorry. The best encouragement I can give you is to not shut yourself out-sure you'll need me time but stay in contact with family and friends, take time away to not think about it. Let yourself heal and move on in your own time. There is no set grieving process, there are stages but no particular order you have to do them in. I hope you can find some solace, in a support group, counseling, friends or by another constructive means. There will be better days again and there will be sad days again in the years to come when those happen keep those important to you close and remember the good times you had.

[EgoJoe]

My Brother took his life January 5th 2016. Nothing will ease this. Usually time will provide all the perspective that you need but not with this.

 

By the time most people do it they have almost done it more times than we know. It's auto-pilot at that point.

 

I still cry months later. I'm taking his two children for the weekend. I'm sorry for your loss. You need to talk to people.