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Still need parents in my 40s


tm7919

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I am 40 years old and my parents are destroying my self esteem. They have been divorced since I was 2. They have never actively sought out my company but include me in their holidays. I have four kids, ranging in ages from 19 to 2 years old and my parents make no effort to spend time with their grandkids. I stopped speaking to my father for 7 years (after he and my ex-step mom invited my ex husband and his girlfriend over for dinner when I was going through a divorce). We recently started a new relationship, but he makes no effort at all to see me or my kids. My dad's new wife is the one who rekindled my relationship with him and now she has moved on and doesn't pay any attention to me or my kids either after showering them with gifts, taking us on expensive vacations, etc.

 

I have been in contact with my mother over the years but she doesn't bother to reply to my text messages or call me back after she doesn't answer her phone when I call. My mom has literally turned down an opportunity to babysit because she was ironing her curtains. I am in a relationship where my husband only pays attention to me when he wants to get laid or I can't take it anymore and breakdown because I feel so unwanted by anyone. I have never done anything bad to anyone in my family. I've always been respectful despite how little they have done for me. I don't know if I can ever fix the fact that my parents don't want me and I can't take it. I don't understand it. I have other siblings from their more recent marriages that they treat like normal people should treat their kids. WTF!!! is all I can say. I cry about this all the time.

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I am 40 years old and my parents are destroying my self esteem.

Now that you are an adult, the only person in control of your self-esteem is you. The power is in your hands to stop waiting for your parents to change. It's time you loved yourself. Take the hand of the little abandoned child that was once you and hug her. Tell her you love her and that she will always have you to protect her.

 

Tm, your parents sound like heartless, uncaring, selfish people. Their treatment of you is not your fault.

 

Are you getting therapy? Your parents' negligence of you as a child is child abuse. This is why you are still feeling so tortured and emotionally dependant on them(waiting for them to love you). If you're not, it would be worthwhile looking into.

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When it comes to parents like yours, it's unfortunately normal to struggle with exactly what you're struggling with throughout your entire life. I'm 33, my dad is a raging, literally raging, alcoholic. Two days ago when he was drunk he told me to **** off, looked at me like he wishes I was never born, with the most extreme amount of hatred in his voice. I don't even know how a person can hate anyone as much as he hates me sometimes.

 

The only reason I'm around him is that I'm trying to get my mother to leave him. This has been my personal project for the past six months, and I'm reaching my own breaking point. What's been helpful for me, is therapy and lots of self help books. And the one or two friends I have in my life who can relate because they have dysfunctional families too.

 

It's really painful when your parents treat you the way yours do. In therapy, they tell me I need to mourn the mother/father I did not have. You hear that and think...okay, what the F does that even mean? I'm still trying to figure that part out. Part of it has to do with self-parenting. That's a murky concept to figure out also, but it involves nurturing ourselves the way we wished our parents would have.

 

As for everything else, them not wanting to be good grandparents, etc...you just have to make your peace with it and focus on your own family. It doesn't mean you can't be happy, or your kids can't be happy. My dad cut off his parents, so I don't even know anyone on his side of the family, and it doesn't bother me at all. They were *******s, why do I want them in my life?

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I'm sorry your parents treated you like crap your whole life. I'm surprised that your dad invited your ex over to hang out with him. That's pretty messed up.

 

Your family sounds so dysfunctional. You say your siblings aren't treated badly by your parents but maybe that's because they are just as messed up as your parents are.

 

You're always going to long for their love and acceptance, that's what children do, but it may be in your best interest to realize that they can't and never could provide you with what you need from them.

 

That's their shortcoming though...not yours.

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Thank you for your words of encouragement. I've done some research and realize now that I have been emotionally neglected by my parents my entire life. They never did seek out my company even when I was a kid. I was left alone a lot and never had any physical/emotional reinforcement that someone cared about me. I am the text book example of someone who always feels out of place, not sure what others have that I don't that allows them to find and build new friendships. I always think people don't like me and I can't stand up for myself in any situations. I was excited to find some websites that talked about childhood emotional neglect because they describe me perfectly. I tried to share my findings with my husband and it was the usual "Oh." So right now I feel better because of what I found but am still confused about what this means for me. I can say that it is easier to let go of my relationship with my parents and stop concerning myself with why they don't want me. They are both narcissistic so trying to talk about this with them is not an option. Thanks again!

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I am 40 years old and my parents are destroying my self esteem. They have been divorced since I was 2. They have never actively sought out my company but include me in their holidays. I have four kids, ranging in ages from 19 to 2 years old and my parents make no effort to spend time with their grandkids. I stopped speaking to my father for 7 years (after he and my ex-step mom invited my ex husband and his girlfriend over for dinner when I was going through a divorce). We recently started a new relationship, but he makes no effort at all to see me or my kids. My dad's new wife is the one who rekindled my relationship with him and now she has moved on and doesn't pay any attention to me or my kids either after showering them with gifts, taking us on expensive vacations, etc.

 

I have been in contact with my mother over the years but she doesn't bother to reply to my text messages or call me back after she doesn't answer her phone when I call. My mom has literally turned down an opportunity to babysit because she was ironing her curtains. I am in a relationship where my husband only pays attention to me when he wants to get laid or I can't take it anymore and breakdown because I feel so unwanted by anyone. I have never done anything bad to anyone in my family. I've always been respectful despite how little they have done for me. I don't know if I can ever fix the fact that my parents don't want me and I can't take it. I don't understand it. I have other siblings from their more recent marriages that they treat like normal people should treat their kids. WTF!!! is all I can say. I cry about this all the time.

 

Then just cut them out of your life. You really don't need that crap. My mom had an affair for half my parents' marriage. My dad knew about it eventually but he couldn't afford a divorce. They tried counseling. But every chance my mom had she took my youngest brother and went to see this guy. So I never really had a mom. Even when she was home, she wasn't home. Physically she was there but emotionally and mentally you could tell she was somewhere else. She emotionally and verbally abused us constantly but in public, we were her "wonderful kids" and "perfect husband." We were actually glad when she left - 2 weeks before I started college.

 

 

I didn't talk to my mom for about 3 years in my 20s because she hit my last nerve. I tried to make a relationship but what did it was on my second deployment - I flew in near where she lives so I had to fly out. My dad asked me to ask her if she wanted to have dinner with us the night before I went back to Iraq off R&R. So I emailed her at work. She emails me back: "Well the roads are bad and I just can't leave (her husband) that wouldn't be right." I'm like are you f* serious? I said I thought your answer would be different but I shouldn't be surprised at this one.

 

 

She didn't email me in Iraq. She didn't email me on my 30 days of block leave on redeployment or call or come visit when I was at my dad's. She didn't say a word to me. It got to my birthday the next year. Nothing. So I wrote a letter to her. 8 pages of 20+ years of pent up anger. I told her exactly how she made me and my brothers feel. How it felt like my mother died emotionally when I was 6. The way she used our dad. So on.

 

 

No answer until Mother's Day that year or the next year I can't remember. Supposedly her email was screwed up and she didn't get it open until Mother's Day. Yeah right. She also showed my youngest brother (who we found out is biologically my half brother because his biological dad is her now husband, then affair. But my dad raised him until he was 12 with my dad's last name). He was upset apparently so I talked to him. Then I messaged her and told her to stop trying to get between my brother and I.

 

 

She messaged me back and called me a "self-centered brat" and that I was just like my grandma (dad's mom) who she hated. I said well thank you because that's a compliment she was a wonderful woman and better mother than you ever would be.

 

I finally talked to her because hating someone wears a person down. I was about to deploy to Afghanistan (which ended up not happening at the last minute) so I figured I should make amends before I went just in case. First I ended up waiting like 20 minutes because she "had" to make her husband lunch for work. So when we finally talked I said "This is why we have problems. You put him before your kids our whole lives." She just starts crying and I'm thinking "seriously?" I told her what I had to say. I made it very, very clear that her husband is nothing to me. He's not my stepfather. He would never be a grandpa to any kids I may have had. She's stuck to it. Cards she gives my daughter say "From Grandma" and that's it. She will come to my brother's house when I visit so I don't have to go to her house if he's there.

 

 

But you really can't make people love you if they don't want to. If your parents are *******s, then they're *******s. Nothing can change that. If they don't want to see their grandkids that's their loss. I had to realize that with my mom. It was HER loss not to be in my life and be my mother. My dad did just fine raising five kids without her and now he's married to my stepmom who is better for him.

 

 

I will say that my mom's dad and stepmom still invite my dad and my stepmom to their family stuff (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter) whether my mom likes it or not. My grandpa told my dad he will always be his son in law. They do not like her husband. They knew about the affair. About the way he's treated my mom but if that's what she wants fine. She had a great guy with my dad and decided to leave him for an alcoholic, abusive *******. Nothing says love when you're at your son's wedding and your husband is at the bar getting sloshed while you sit alone at the end of a table and none of your family talks to you (that was what happened to my mom at my brother's wedding).

 

 

You just have to treat people how they treat you. If they don't want you in their lives, oh well. Their loss.

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Candy, I wish I could say that my parents liked my ex for a good reason, but they didn't. I divorced my husband because he stopped coming home after he lost his job and refused to try to find another job. I didn't cheat on him, and he didn't have any kind of relationship with my dad. My mom would probably not come if I were going off to a war zone either, she'd probably just say it was my decision so she doesn't need to be there. She refused to take off work on the day I was induced with my 8 year old because she had already taken a day off that month for a dentist appointment. She was not there for the birth of my daughters because we were out of state and she never did come visit after they were born. She complained about me being selfish to my step mom because I assumed she would make the wedding cake for my first wedding- which was what she did for a living. She complained that she had to help at my daughter's graduation party because I was vomiting all day and couldn't finish preparing the food. I could go on and on. I think our mom's would make great friends if they could ever take the time to get their heads out of their asses and meet someone! I hope you are able to find someone who understands the trauma you have gone through as a child and can love you knowing how hard it will be for you. Perhaps because your father was a good parent it won't be as hard for you as I feel it is for me. I feel like I am completely gone. I can't even decide what I want to eat for dinner, let alone decide what to do about how crappy my life is. I feel like if I had someone who was more emotionally available (friend or whatever) I would feel so much better, but who wants to be around someone who feels this way? I can't even have friends because my insecurities rear their ugly head and people don't want to be around me. I have no personality anymore, no interests, no opinions. I'm sounding pretty pathetic but its true.

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I am 40 years old and my parents are destroying my self esteem. They have been divorced since I was 2. They have never actively sought out my company but include me in their holidays. I have four kids, ranging in ages from 19 to 2 years old and my parents make no effort to spend time with their grandkids. I stopped speaking to my father for 7 years (after he and my ex-step mom invited my ex husband and his girlfriend over for dinner when I was going through a divorce). We recently started a new relationship, but he makes no effort at all to see me or my kids. My dad's new wife is the one who rekindled my relationship with him and now she has moved on and doesn't pay any attention to me or my kids either after showering them with gifts, taking us on expensive vacations, etc.

 

I have been in contact with my mother over the years but she doesn't bother to reply to my text messages or call me back after she doesn't answer her phone when I call. My mom has literally turned down an opportunity to babysit because she was ironing her curtains. I am in a relationship where my husband only pays attention to me when he wants to get laid or I can't take it anymore and breakdown because I feel so unwanted by anyone. I have never done anything bad to anyone in my family. I've always been respectful despite how little they have done for me. I don't know if I can ever fix the fact that my parents don't want me and I can't take it. I don't understand it. I have other siblings from their more recent marriages that they treat like normal people should treat their kids. WTF!!! is all I can say. I cry about this all the time.

 

I think it's time to stop blaming yourself for other peoples failures.

 

What's amazing about you is how independent you have been all your life! So independent, that it probably provides an easy escape for the people close to you to be selfish. I'm willing to bet you rarely yell, scream, or get angry? Suffer in relative silence? Your needs aren't getting met - so, let's change that!

 

You are not defective, and you are not unwanted but you are also not being appreciated. Your parents may not be healthy candidates for change. But, here's something you can do to turn your husband into the guy who really responds to you:

 

Since he pays attention to you when he wants to get laid - lets turn that around on him and get him rewarded and occasionally laid in exchange for the sustained attention you really want. This will take months to become ingrained but, you will have trained him to respect and appreciate you like you have never imagined. He's going to develop a habit of following the path of greatest reward, and you're going to learn how to lay down that path.

 

Train him (secretly) exactly the way they train Dolphins at Sea World - give him a fish AFTER he performs a trick correctly - and only when it's correct. Praise him whenever he does something right, and DO NOT REACT at all when he does it wrong, or antagonizes you. The bigger the trick the bigger the reward. Praise or a sandwich for the small stuff, the kind of sex he likes for the really big stuff.

 

Keeping yourself cleaned up and made up will help hold his attention and respect upon the powerful and quality woman that you are. However, when his interest is stirred tell him exactly what you want or need. Perhaps it's a babysitter so you can go shopping, a dinner date for the two of you, even something as simple as taking out the trash! Doesn't matter - just be sure to praise and reward the positive and completely ignore the negative. (Not silent treatment - just no nagging and no reward, including negative rewards like enjoining argument, or push-back.) On the big stuff tell him when, where, and what you're willing to do if he complies with your wish.

 

Just remember - positive feedback for EVERYTHING he does right. No feedback at all for the unwanted behavior. All reminders and requests for things not attended too, or done improperly should be posed as a fresh optimistic query (new trick) not a criticism.

 

It's a lot of work - but it could well be worth it for you. For more details on this idea you can find the original book titled: What I learned from Shamu about Life, Love, and Marriage.

Edited by RRM321
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Your needs aren't getting met - so, let's change that!

 

You are not defective, and you are not unwanted but you are also not being appreciated. Your parents may not be healthy candidates for change. But, here's something you can do to turn your husband into the guy who really responds to you:

 

Since he pays attention to you when he wants to get laid - lets turn that around on him and get him rewarded and occasionally laid in exchange for the sustained attention you really want. This will take months to become ingrained but, you will have trained him to respect and appreciate you like you have never imagined. He's going to develop a habit of following the path of greatest reward, and you're going to learn how to lay down that path.

 

Train him (secretly) exactly the way they train Dolphins at Sea World - give him a fish AFTER he performs a trick correctly - and only when it's correct. Praise him whenever he does something right, and DO NOT REACT at all when he does it wrong, or antagonizes you. The bigger the trick the bigger the reward. Praise or a sandwich for the small stuff, the kind of sex he likes for the really big stuff.

 

Keeping yourself cleaned up and made up will help hold his attention and respect upon the powerful and quality woman that you are. [/i]

 

I'm sorry but- are you ****ing serious with this advice??? She is supposed to treat her husband like a trained dolphin, and use sex as a tool to get him to treat her the way she wants to be treated?

 

There is a BOOK about this?? Who recommended this book to you? Have you discussed this method in therapy?? This is by far the most offensive marital advice I've ever seen.

 

Here is a woman who is working through some extremely painful issues about not being loved and accepted by her parents- the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally- and you're telling her to objectify herself and that her only value to her husband is sex.

 

This just bad, bad, sick- really sick advice. Your husband should love you for better or worse- which means right now, while you're at a low point in your life! This is a time you need support, and if he's not giving it to you, that's a problem, and it cannot be fixed by letting him ejaculate whenever he wants.

 

Sex is not a reward system, it is not a tool. That line of thinking is so disgusting, so degrading.

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I'm sorry but- are you ****ing serious with this advice??? She is supposed to treat her husband like a trained dolphin, and use sex as a tool to get him to treat her the way she wants to be treated?

 

Not suggesting she objectify herself - but, she needs to negotiate the terms upon which everyone - especially her husband treats her. Complaining doesn't work, and neither does being a martyr. I doubt anyone in this story is a mind reader.

 

There was no indication that she has actually told her parents how much she is hurting because of their neglect. If she has, change is obviously not something they are capable of.

 

No indication that she is effectively negotiating her basic needs for appreciation, value, and respect with her husband either - until she reaches the boiling point and dumps on him, whereby he's probably blind sided.

 

You can be all that girl-power and a bag of chips and still be a door-mat.

 

If you want good behavior from people then reward them for it - say, thank you, give compliments, make your hubby lunch in return for chores well done, and yes - if he really makes you happy then sex him up. Expect the same in return. It's called reciprocation - and she has a responsibility to negotiate the terms of her own happiness. We do that with positive reinforcement and passive restrain of our negative attacks and criticism.

 

You may not like the analogy - but, if you don't have any snacks in your pocket don't expect the sea lions to jump for you.

 

It's not rocket science.

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Your husband should love you for better or worse- which means right now, while you're at a low point in your life!

 

It's unreasonable to expect anyone to love you more than you are willing to love your self, including a husband.

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When it comes to parents like yours, it's unfortunately normal to struggle with exactly what you're struggling with throughout your entire life. I'm 33, my dad is a raging, literally raging, alcoholic. Two days ago when he was drunk he told me to **** off, looked at me like he wishes I was never born, with the most extreme amount of hatred in his voice. I don't even know how a person can hate anyone as much as he hates me sometimes.

 

The only reason I'm around him is that I'm trying to get my mother to leave him. This has been my personal project for the past six months, and I'm reaching my own breaking point. What's been helpful for me, is therapy and lots of self help books. And the one or two friends I have in my life who can relate because they have dysfunctional families too.

 

It's really painful when your parents treat you the way yours do. In therapy, they tell me I need to mourn the mother/father I did not have. You hear that and think...okay, what the F does that even mean? I'm still trying to figure that part out. Part of it has to do with self-parenting. That's a murky concept to figure out also, but it involves nurturing ourselves the way we wished our parents would have.

 

As for everything else, them not wanting to be good grandparents, etc...you just have to make your peace with it and focus on your own family. It doesn't mean you can't be happy, or your kids can't be happy. My dad cut off his parents, so I don't even know anyone on his side of the family, and it doesn't bother me at all. They were *******s, why do I want them in my life?

I'm not really sure it's a good idea for you to stay in touch with your parents.

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No one should have to "negotiate" the terms in which they are treated with respect in a healthy relationship. Two people should just love each other and respect each other. This is not a process similar to buying a home or arguing for a better salary- this is someone's marriage.

 

No, her parents aren't going to change. Are you suggesting that she- and anyone who has narcissistic parents for that matter- should try to manipulate and bribe her own parents to treat her better, to love her? How would that play out, since she can't have sex with them. She's supposed to go to their homes and be a maid for a day, cleaning their toilets or cooking meals for them like a servant, in order to get love and respect?

 

Sex should happen because its mutually enjoyable, it's an affectionate act between people who love each other. We do it because we're horny, we do it because we're trying to relieve stress, we do it for many reasons- but the worst reason is to manipulate someone.

 

Just because someone wrote about this idea in a book, does not make it sound advice. And you didn't answer- did a therapist tell you to read this book? I highly, highly doubt so.

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Your sense worth as an individual should not be based on the way others perceive you. It should be based on the you perceive yourself.

 

I left home shortly before my 17th birthday, and have gone on to live a wonderful life, literally living my dream.

 

After I left home I had very infrequent contact with my parents.

 

I took my life and walked away with it.

 

No regrets.

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I'm not really sure it's a good idea for you to stay in touch with your parents.

 

That's probably true, they are pretty messed up. But I don't want to hijack OP's thread.

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Your sense worth as an individual should not be based on the way others perceive you.

 

That's naive. Everything we do or fail to do over the long term trains people how to treat and interact with us. We are responsible for setting that bar, including knowing when someone is out of bounds.

 

If we enforce no boundaries we invite people who do not respect boundaries. We are not a door-mat until we agree to lie down. We are not martyrs until we silence and sacrifice ourselves to appease others.

 

When we nag someone to take out the trash - how effectively do they listen to us? How well do they remember to do that chore next week?

 

If we give them a hug and a peck on the cheek how significant do you suppose our gratitude becomes in their life? How readily do you suppose they'll take out the trash next week?

 

Life isn't about people coming to our rescue, or even about our ability to dial 911. It's about dialing in the right number and communicating effectively and positively each and every day.

 

We presume people to be emotionally healthy, the parents in this thread appear not to be. The husband on the other hand most likely is healthy but, is living the married life they have trained each other to lead.

Edited by RRM321
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That's naive. Everything we do or fail to do over the long term trains people how to treat and interact with us. We are responsible for setting that bar, including knowing when someone is out of bounds.

 

If we enforce no boundaries we invite people who do not respect boundaries. We are not a door-mat until we agree to lie down. We are not martyrs until we silence and sacrifice ourselves to appease others.

 

When we nag someone to take out the trash - how effectively do they listen to us? How well do they remember to do that chore next week?

 

If we give them a hug and a peck on the cheek how significant do you suppose our gratitude becomes in their life? How readily do you suppose they'll take out the trash next week?

 

Life isn't about people coming to our rescue, or even about our ability to dial 911. It's about dialing in the right number and communicating effectively and positively each and every day.

 

I see no connection between what I said and what you said.

Edited by Satu
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Sorry, but I've not been able to find any connection between what I said and what you said.

 

Our interaction with people is what creates their perception of us.

People step only as high as the expectation we show them.

 

Granted, these parents have likely been neglectful her whole life and she has been trained not to ask for what she wants and needs, and is very independent.

 

How's that workin' for ya? :)

 

If I ask you for little or nothing what should I expect to receive?

 

It's time to learn something different and not only set higher expectations but communicate then clearly to the people that matter. We will only know what they are really capable of when they have been pressed with a clear request, not some arbitrary obligation we think they should know intuitively. Then, it's possible to see if there is anything there worth pursuing.

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Our interaction with people is what creates their perception of us.

People step only as high as the expectation we show them.

 

Granted, these parents have likely been neglectful her whole life and she has been trained not to ask for what she wants and needs, and is very independent.

 

How's that workin' for ya? :)

 

If I ask you for little or nothing what should I expect to receive?

 

It's time to learn something different and not only set higher expectations but communicate then clearly to the people that matter. We will only know what they are really capable of when they have been pressed with a clear request, not some arbitrary obligation we think they should know intuitively. Then, it's possible to see if there is anything there worth pursuing.

 

Again, I see no connection between what I said and what you are saying.

 

Would you like me to explain my post to you?

Edited by Satu
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OP, I'm sorry for what you have experienced with your parents. However, you don't need them to have a family. The truth is they are not going to change and your beating your head against a wall for them is not effective. Your Mom would rather iron her curtains than babysit, well I'm probably her age and lots of my friends who are grandmothers would probably do the same. Grand parents feel they have already raised their kids and don't want to be built in babysitters for their kids which is only fair. People shouldn't have kids unless they can take full responsibility for them. If you have good friends they can be as much of a family to you as your biological family. It is useless for you to pine for your parents attention at this stage in life because it isn't going to happen. You have to chose another path towards a family. Lucky for you that you have kids and they are your family and will more than likely will become your best friends as they grow older. If your husband is abusive towards you, get a divorce so you will be free to meet a man who will make you happy.

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Again, I see no connection between what I said and what you are saying.

It's nice that you walked away from something unhealthy at 17 and built your own self image.

That didn't happen for TM7919.

 

 

TM79, There is no doubt that your parents are (were) neglectful, and will continue to be.

 

In your marriage and eslewhere however, the self concept your parents left you with is the lens through which you unwittingly cue people bout how to perceive and treat you all these years later. You are the one wearing the ruby slippers. You've had the power all along.

 

I can't vouch for your husband, yet you have arrived in this marriage with the self concept you learned as a child. You are the one that needs to change. It's not easy, you'll need help. Do it and pass on a better way of living to your dear children, and ask your husband to commit to grow with you if he can.

Edited by RRM321
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I have populated my life with people who relate to one another with total respect and love made visible.

 

Those who do not relate in that way have no place in my life.

 

I have no interest in training or retraining anyone, thought some might.

 

As a consequence, all the relationships in my life are loving, joyous, and intimate in a very healthy way.

 

I live my dream.

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Snip.

 

In your marriage and eslewhere however, the self concept your parents left you with is the lens through which you unwittingly cue people bout how to perceive and treat you all these years later. You are the one wearing the ruby slippers. You've had the power all along.

 

I can't vouch for your husband, yet you have arrived in this marriage with the self concept you learned as a child. You are the one that needs to change. It's not easy, you'll need help. Do it and pass on a better way of living to your dear children, and ask your husband to commit to grow with you if he can.

 

I agree with this.

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I have expressed to my husband how hurtful it is to me when he would rather spend time on his computer than spend time with me. His go to activity is playing games on his computer. I have also told my mom that I wished she spent more time with the kids, practically begging her to come to trick or treat with us. I don't ask her to babysit often and it's usually just so my husband and I can go out to dinner without the kids. I can count on my fingers the number of times my mother has seen my 2 year old, probably including holidays and she lives 30 minutes from us. So to the person who talked about taking care of my own kids, that's not what it is about at all.

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I have expressed to my husband how hurtful it is to me when he would rather spend time on his computer than spend time with me. His go to activity is playing games on his computer. I have also told my mom that I wished she spent more time with the kids, practically begging her to come to trick or treat with us. I don't ask her to babysit often and it's usually just so my husband and I can go out to dinner without the kids. I can count on my fingers the number of times my mother has seen my 2 year old, probably including holidays and she lives 30 minutes from us. So to the person who talked about taking care of my own kids, that's not what it is about at all.

 

The important thing is not to turn the rejection or neglect back in on yourself when the people closest to you lack the capacity to give and truly love.

 

It sounds like your parents have limitations that will persist. If they are disinterested, but not malicious, you may want to comfort your own heart and continue to nurture that connection while understanding that there will always be that selfish imbalance.

 

You do need your parents, even neglectful ones. On the other hand, toxic or manipulative behavior is something you would want to protect your self from with strong boundaries.

 

I hope your hubby is a different character, that even is he lacks some capacity that you could adapt your own behavior to illicit more responsiveness from him. That's the principle behind the idea of training - that a different kind of you will draw out a more attentive version of him.

 

You can't really change people - but, you can magnetize your behavior to attract and sustain the best metal another person has to offer.

Edited by RRM321
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