SoulCat Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I'm due to meet a family member next week. We've not seen each other or been in each other's lives for nearly 30 years. He is my mother's brother, so my uncle. My mum cut off contact with him when I was about 11 years old. Not entirely sure of the reason why, nut as far as I know it had something to do with their parents' inheritance. My mother didn't really mention him in the proceeding years so I do not know the whole story. My uncle sought contact some months ago regarding some inheritance items he held that are due to be handed to me. I wasn't aware of the existence of these items and was quite surprised to hear from him. Although I thought it was nice to reconnect with a long lost family member, I am not all that keen to have them play a part in my life. He, on the other hand seems incredibly keen on having a relationship. I understand he's elderly, has no kids or close family so having me in his life again is something positive. He's decided to come and visit me next week, booked a flight and B&B around the corner from where I live without running it past me. I know he can do whatever he wants, it's a free country but for me it's going too fast, too soon. How do I negotiate this? I love my life as it is, I am not close to my family at all, by choice. I'm not looking to change this, I don't want to have a relationship with people just because we happen to be related. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Wow!!! a golden opportunity to know another kin in your adulthood. That is dernn awesome! This relative has given you zero reason based on your notes here, to slam that opportunity shut. Other then your personal preference to distance yourself from blood. Its certainly your choice. Just be point blank when the visit occurs. perhaps you are a private person ... in which case you are fine with life as is. Link to post Share on other sites
Ragnar1984 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I have to side with the last comment on this one, I'm afraid. There seems to be no reason for you to be so hostile and unwelcoming to an elderly family member, other then the fact that you're not close with family. Well, I'm not surprised with an attitude like that. I can imagine you were more then happy to engage with your uncle when it was on the matter of personal belongings that you had inherited, but something a little more valuable like human contact and you don't wish to know. I'm sure your uncle is not looking to gate crash your life, or pick bathroom tiles together. He perhaps just wants the opportunity to reconnect with you after all these years, yet you are clearly more then content to begrudge an old man a few minutes of your obviously precious time. If I were you just be as completely honest with him, save him the air miles and B&B costs. You would be doing him a favour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoulCat Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 There seems to be no reason for you to be so hostile and unwelcoming to an elderly family member, other then the fact that you're not close with family. Well, I'm not surprised with an attitude like that. I'm not hostile, I'm apprehensive. The reasons I'm not close to my family have nothing to do with this issue or my 'attitude'. I live in a different country to the rest of my family and have done so for many, many years now. I come from a small family, my parents have long gone and there are not that many other close relatives left. With those who are left, I have a cordial relationship. Unfortunately there are few things we have in common, bar being related by blood. So, they have their lives, I have mine. And yes, Tayla is right, I am a very private person. I find it curious that you feel you can judge me based on very limited info but you are of course entitled to your opinion. I can imagine you were more then happy to engage with your uncle when it was on the matter of personal belongings that you had inherited I'm sure you can imagine that, but you could not be more wrong. A few weeks ago I didn't even know this stuff existed, and I have no desire for it whatsoever. In fact, I have declined his offerings over and over again. He won't listen. By his own admission he is somewhat autistic, and it seems like once he has made up his mind about something, that's it. but something a little more valuable like human contact and you don't wish to know. Valuable to whom? To him? Sure maybe, but I do not 'owe' him that. After nearly 30 years of him not being in my life I am not particularly bothered about having 'human contact'. It's my prerogative to want or not want a relationship with another human being. Just because he happens to be related to me makes no difference in that respect. He perhaps just wants the opportunity to reconnect with you after all these years, yet you are clearly more then content to begrudge an old man a few minutes of your obviously precious time. Sure, I get that. I do not begrudge the man anything, but it would have been mighty nice if he had asked me how I felt about it rather than presenting me with the fait accompli of his upcoming 3 day visit. That's a bit more than 'a few minutes' of my time. Look, it's not that I do not want to meet him. But to all intents and purposes he is a stranger. I just would have preferred our first meeting to be short, perhaps over a meal or a drink. His 3 day stay to me is too much, too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Soul, maybe you can commit yourself to one interaction each day he is here, like breakfast, lunch or dinner. Then if things go well and you feel more comfortable, you can expand, but you're setting expectations early. You could say that due to the last-minute visit you were unable to change some plans, and then suggest some activities he could do on his own. Personally while it's great that he wants to see you, I do agree that booking a trip without even asking is a bit much. That said, it is only three days, and if you can set some expectations early on then maybe it won't be that bad. And if it is too much for you...it's three days, then he will go home and you can create some space again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I don't understand why someone wouldn't want their relatives in their life. I can't relate, I consider my extended family very important to me. Even though you haven't seen him in 30 years he is your uncle. That is an extremely close relationship, not a "stranger" as you say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoulCat Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Even though you haven't seen him in 30 years he is your uncle. That is an extremely close relationship, not a "stranger" as you say. How is it a 'close relationship'? I could pass him in the street tomorrow and have no idea who he is. I know next to nothing about him, his life. I barely remember him from my childhood. That to me is a stranger, regardless of the fact we are related. To me, having familial ties is not the same as having a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 How is it a 'close relationship'? I could pass him in the street tomorrow and have no idea who he is. I know next to nothing about him, his life. I barely remember him from my childhood. That to me is a stranger, regardless of the fact we are related. To me, having familial ties is not the same as having a relationship. I understand the last 30 years, but your uncle probably remembers a lot more of that first 10 years of your life than you do. Based on most families, he was probably someone you spent a ton of time with as a baby. I had an aunt who died when I was 10, I don't have a lot of vivid memories of her, but I still consider her a close relative. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) Accept the inheritance items, as it appears you are now the rightful owner. He may tell you his side of the rift between he and your mother. I would just be polite, invite him to dinner - then let him go. He probably considers the meeting as one of the things he wants to do in the closure of his life. I am mindful, yet respectful (and guarded) regarding the reasoning for the rifts between my deceased mother and her sister - and the rifts between my deceased ex-husband and his brother. Edited February 12, 2016 by UpwardForward 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I can understand your mixed feelings because I met a relative for the first time several years ago. They were very very excited and I was nervous and even kind of ambivalent. However I would recommend what someone else said. Think about doing one thing per day with him. Maybe things that involve walking or seeing local things so if talking is uncomfortable you have other things to focus on. It might be that this is nothing more to you than a few days with a peripheral relative, but for him it is probably really significant. Do what you think you can comfortably do and give what you think you can comfortably give and then feel good about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Be honest and let him know 30 years has gone by and you don't know one another and you're apprehensive. Go in with no expectations or hope but keep an open mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoulCat Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Well, I am due to meet him tomorrow. He emailed me saying he has a 'surprise' up his sleeve.... I'm sooo not a fan of surprises. Either way. I'm going in with an open mind - as some helpful posters suggested - and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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