Sibling Saga

[Clockwatching]

Hey all,

 

I'm hoping for a little perspective on an ongoing (years) situation with a sister, apologies if this is long, I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

 

Basically my sister's always been selfish and quite manipulative, she has a history of using my parents for money and resources, using men for money and resources, sponging off the government (all the while complaining about the tyrannical government), smoking weed and taking other substances (mainly hippy stuff such as mushrooms, acid etc), and neglecting her children's emotional well being through the way that she chooses to live.

 

Obviously there's a lot of history I could go into but it would be war and peace, I think you get the picture though.

 

Right now, the last time we saw her was Christmas when she was in a critical situation and she ended up staying with my mother, and we took time out off work and spent hours driving her to and from places due to a matter she had concerning her housing, the police, the courts and an ex boyfriend. It was extremely traumatic and much was self inflicted on her part.

 

After that, we never got a thank you for our help until months afterwards and she barely kept in touch (maybe once or twice in a half hearted way). Silence followed and months go by and it turns out she has a new guy and is now working, but she hasn't kept in touch. In the meantime my mother becomes ill with anxiety and depression (she feels this was triggered by what had happened at Christmas) and is signed off work for about four months, she is struggling.

 

My mother's birthday was coming up and, bearing in mind my sister never sends cards, gifts or calls, I wasn't expecting her to get in touch as usual. But she calls prior to her birthday saying that she wanted to come down, after discussion with my mother she says she couldn't cope with it so I tell her the situation (as she hadn't been in touch for so long she wasn't aware that she was ill) but said to her to send her a card, an email if she wants to talk to her about it - that she would really appreciate it. Nothing.

 

Christmas comes and goes, nothing. We send gifts in the post, nothing received from her at all, no card, no call. This is standard fare and has been for years so no big surprise.

 

My mother is finding this extremely stressful and traumatic - all of the years she has always been the one to reach out and constantly get ignored or dismissed by my sister unless of course she needs something and is in a crisis and to have her be the one walking away with no response from my sister I can see hurts her incredibly. It makes her anxiety worse just talking about it, she's hoping to get to counselling to talk to someone but this is still being arranged.

 

It's been extremely difficult because I've been watching her going through what I would describe as a grieving process as she has now stopped trying, after nearly 20 years of this.

 

Frankly, I don't know how to cope either. My sister has no real idea of the impact her behaviour, her lack of care and the way that she lives has affected her family and how unloved her mother feels, and how sad she is as a result. My mother feels they used to have a good relationship, but in my eyes it was always on my sisters terms or because she needed something (usually money) and she was keeping her sweet.

 

I'm pretty sure my sister has strong narcissistic tendencies and slightly psychopathic as she has no empathy or understanding for other people.

 

I'm worried about what the future holds for my mother, and how to 'field' my sister in the meantime, as she would never acknowledge any of this, and from my point of view, I'm simply not interested in her at all.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, for suggestions of how to help my mother, and cope myself, or any experiences from people who have known family members or even friends like this.

 

I don't know what the answer is - some days I feel like cutting off from her completely, other days I feel like shouting at her knowing it will do no good, and then I see the deep sadness from my mother knowing it's making her illness worse and honestly, there are so many emotions in there that I don't know what to do.

 

Any insight and/or advice would be great, thank you.

[ajaysutton]

This is a really difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is being so selfish and that's causing problems in the family. It's really unfortunate, but sometimes, all you can do with a situation like this what's really most helpful is to let them fall and work out their own solution. To keep solving their problems by giving them cash really only enables them to keep on with the self destructive behavior that's putting them in the position their in. I think that you're ready to hear that, as you mentioned sometimes feeling as though you'd like to cut her off completely. How to communicate that to mom is the difficult question. Would there be any benefit to staging something like an intervention, and telling her that you can no longer willing to support her self destructive behavior?

[DrMario]

In my experience, I have helped my sister in many ways, she split from her abusive boyfriend of 6 years, I supported her, she got with somebody else straight after who also abused her, I supported her, she fell out with her mother and needed a place to live, I gave her a place to live and covered her with furniture as well, her ex of 6 years pops up again, gives her problems, I supported her, she had money problems, i supported her, then we have a few disagreements here and there and she cuts me off and gives me the silent treatment after getting close to her during this time, I can understand your mothers anxiety because I am there as well, my sister broke my heart and it doesn't seem like she's too bothered about it in all honesty, I have seen her since but we barely spoke and unfortunately I think as is the same in your case, she will do whatever she wants until she decides to be close again, I would never advise anybody to shut out a family member so I can't help you in your decision, but I think you need to fully explain to her in a civil way how she has hurt you and your mother.

[Noproblem]

Hey all,

 

I'm hoping for a little perspective on an ongoing (years) situation with a sister, apologies if this is long, I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

 

Basically my sister's always been selfish and quite manipulative, she has a history of using my parents for money and resources, using men for money and resources, sponging off the government (all the while complaining about the tyrannical government), smoking weed and taking other substances (mainly hippy stuff such as mushrooms, acid etc), and neglecting her children's emotional well being through the way that she chooses to live.

 

Obviously there's a lot of history I could go into but it would be war and peace, I think you get the picture though.

 

Right now, the last time we saw her was Christmas when she was in a critical situation and she ended up staying with my mother, and we took time out off work and spent hours driving her to and from places due to a matter she had concerning her housing, the police, the courts and an ex boyfriend. It was extremely traumatic and much was self inflicted on her part.

 

After that, we never got a thank you for our help until months afterwards and she barely kept in touch (maybe once or twice in a half hearted way). Silence followed and months go by and it turns out she has a new guy and is now working, but she hasn't kept in touch. In the meantime my mother becomes ill with anxiety and depression (she feels this was triggered by what had happened at Christmas) and is signed off work for about four months, she is struggling.

 

My mother's birthday was coming up and, bearing in mind my sister never sends cards, gifts or calls, I wasn't expecting her to get in touch as usual. But she calls prior to her birthday saying that she wanted to come down, after discussion with my mother she says she couldn't cope with it so I tell her the situation (as she hadn't been in touch for so long she wasn't aware that she was ill) but said to her to send her a card, an email if she wants to talk to her about it - that she would really appreciate it. Nothing.

 

Christmas comes and goes, nothing. We send gifts in the post, nothing received from her at all, no card, no call. This is standard fare and has been for years so no big surprise.

 

My mother is finding this extremely stressful and traumatic - all of the years she has always been the one to reach out and constantly get ignored or dismissed by my sister unless of course she needs something and is in a crisis and to have her be the one walking away with no response from my sister I can see hurts her incredibly. It makes her anxiety worse just talking about it, she's hoping to get to counselling to talk to someone but this is still being arranged.

 

It's been extremely difficult because I've been watching her going through what I would describe as a grieving process as she has now stopped trying, after nearly 20 years of this.

 

Frankly, I don't know how to cope either. My sister has no real idea of the impact her behaviour, her lack of care and the way that she lives has affected her family and how unloved her mother feels, and how sad she is as a result. My mother feels they used to have a good relationship, but in my eyes it was always on my sisters terms or because she needed something (usually money) and she was keeping her sweet.

 

I'm pretty sure my sister has strong narcissistic tendencies and slightly psychopathic as she has no empathy or understanding for other people.

 

I'm worried about what the future holds for my mother, and how to 'field' my sister in the meantime, as she would never acknowledge any of this, and from my point of view, I'm simply not interested in her at all.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, for suggestions of how to help my mother, and cope myself, or any experiences from people who have known family members or even friends like this.

 

I don't know what the answer is - some days I feel like cutting off from her completely, other days I feel like shouting at her knowing it will do no good, and then I see the deep sadness from my mother knowing it's making her illness worse and honestly, there are so many emotions in there that I don't know what to do.

 

 

Any insight and/or advice would be great, thank you.

 

 

you need to accept your sister as the person she really is

and love her accordingly......

 

deep down inside she feels unloved and that the roots of all these problems... and the stupid drug is another problem..

 

she always feels you are better than her and I am sure you make sure she knows it

she always feels like she is the worse kind of person because you are the good girl and she is the bad girl..

 

this needs to stop

 

she is who she is..

 

a selfish narcissistic person...

 

you either cut her from your life and forget she exists ( which is the easy choice)

 

or be in her life from time to time ...( which is the hard choice)

 

preaching her will never help.

 

I think this kind of people will never really know what they do to their parents..or others

 

so the best thing you can do is accept her and love her with all these flaws

 

she'll know that and she'll come back..

 

if you keep on looking down at her, she will never come around..

Edited February 1, 2016 by Noproblem

[Clockwatching]

This is a really difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is being so selfish and that's causing problems in the family. It's really unfortunate, but sometimes, all you can do with a situation like this what's really most helpful is to let them fall and work out their own solution. To keep solving their problems by giving them cash really only enables them to keep on with the self destructive behavior that's putting them in the position their in. I think that you're ready to hear that, as you mentioned sometimes feeling as though you'd like to cut her off completely. How to communicate that to mom is the difficult question. Would there be any benefit to staging something like an intervention, and telling her that you can no longer willing to support her self destructive behavior?

 

Hi ajay,

 

Thanks very much for your thoughts - I agree giving cash never solved anything and that did stop a few years ago thankfully - it was completely destructive and enabling but that at least has stopped. Mom is pretty with it and understands the dynamic, I think its the acceptance of it or whether anything can be done that she struggles with - you always want to have hope, you know, especially with your daughter who you love.

 

I've intervened before in the past and it's not ended well unfortunately - it's complex so I won't ramble too much but essentially my sister won't see the damage her behaviour has caused so it's been pretty fruitless.

[Clockwatching]

In my experience, I have helped my sister in many ways, she split from her abusive boyfriend of 6 years, I supported her, she got with somebody else straight after who also abused her, I supported her, she fell out with her mother and needed a place to live, I gave her a place to live and covered her with furniture as well, her ex of 6 years pops up again, gives her problems, I supported her, she had money problems, i supported her, then we have a few disagreements here and there and she cuts me off and gives me the silent treatment after getting close to her during this time, I can understand your mothers anxiety because I am there as well, my sister broke my heart and it doesn't seem like she's too bothered about it in all honesty, I have seen her since but we barely spoke and unfortunately I think as is the same in your case, she will do whatever she wants until she decides to be close again, I would never advise anybody to shut out a family member so I can't help you in your decision, but I think you need to fully explain to her in a civil way how she has hurt you and your mother.

 

Hi Dr,

 

God - so many similarities!! It seems it's such a vicious cycle, and I totally know what you mean by the person seeming not to be bothered at all about what it does to everyone around them - it's completely bewildering how it's so self centred. I've done as you have done pretty much, distanced myself, been there to be support and get dumped on, then the distance again, preparing for round two. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to have that conversation if I'm honest, there are so many emotions involved I'm not sure I could handle it. Not just involving myself and my mother but also the effects on her children and the rest of the family. I'm not a rageful person but I'm not sure I could do it without breaking down, which sounds pathetic I know, but that's just how it is with such a long history I guess.

[Clockwatching]

you need to accept your sister as the person she really is

and love her accordingly......

 

deep down inside she feels unloved and that the roots of all these problems... and the stupid drug is another problem..

 

she always feels you are better than her and I am sure you make sure she knows it

she always feels like she is the worse kind of person because you are the good girl and she is the bad girl..

 

this needs to stop

 

she is who she is..

 

a selfish narcissistic person...

 

you either cut her from your life and forget she exists ( which is the easy choice)

 

or be in her life from time to time ...( which is the hard choice)

 

preaching her will never help.

 

I think this kind of people will never really know what they do to their parents..or others

 

so the best thing you can do is accept her and love her with all these flaws

 

she'll know that and she'll come back..

 

if you keep on looking down at her, she will never come around..

 

Noproblem - I found your post insulting and presumptive to be perfectly honest - what I gave was a very small portion of what she does and has done for years, I was not being superior or claiming to be perfect - this is how it is.

 

I do not rub anything in her face or preach to her and I do not look down at her, I have been the bridge builder in our family and I have accepted her for years only to be slapped in the face for the next thing that's happened and the next time either myself or a member of the family has been used and treated like dirt.

 

And your advice is to sit and take it and hope that she comes round? I think I'll pass, but thanks for your time.

[turnera]

The best thing you can do is avoid her and try to help your family avoid her. She needs to learn how to interact in a way that gives both ways, and the only way that will happen is if she suffers her own consequences.

[amaysngrace]

Your sister sounds like she needs a healthy dose of tough love. The biggest problem I see with you guys doing that is that she has kids.

 

Maybe you can send gifts for Christmas and birthdays to the kids and give them your contact information and just ignore your sister?

 

Maybe she'll realize what she lost when she doesn't have you guys in her life anymore.

[DrMario]

Hi Dr,

 

God - so many similarities!! It seems it's such a vicious cycle, and I totally know what you mean by the person seeming not to be bothered at all about what it does to everyone around them - it's completely bewildering how it's so self centred. I've done as you have done pretty much, distanced myself, been there to be support and get dumped on, then the distance again, preparing for round two. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to have that conversation if I'm honest, there are so many emotions involved I'm not sure I could handle it. Not just involving myself and my mother but also the effects on her children and the rest of the family. I'm not a rageful person but I'm not sure I could do it without breaking down, which sounds pathetic I know, but that's just how it is with such a long history I guess.

 

I know how you feel, the thought of seeing my sister is enough to leave me quaking in fear, let alone allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to have a conservation with her about the pain that she has caused, nobody is impressed with her that she cut me off yet she very easily shrugs it off like it means nothing at all, trust me, your far from pathetic, in my life time the one woman who has made me cry more than any other is my sister, I really don't know how to advise you because I myself could never shut my sister out as that would mean goodbye to my nephew as well, unfortunately all I can do is be patient and just hope that she reaches out, I really feel for your mother, she must feel distraught with all that is going on.

[Clockwatching]

The best thing you can do is avoid her and try to help your family avoid her. She needs to learn how to interact in a way that gives both ways, and the only way that will happen is if she suffers her own consequences.

 

Thanks Turnera, there's a very sad part of me that doesn't think it's possible - she's really just learned to branch out from the family to other people who can provide what she needs, since the material stuff wasn't given any more and nobody could agree with what she was doing in general. So understandably, she mostly hangs around with people who agree with her - generally those who smoke a lot of weed and checked out from society. Now that she has that, we're far less needed and therefore there aren't really many consequences that she can see, other than my mother's sadness and everyone else who has distanced themselves (without exception, reluctantly, but because they can't deal with it and there's no alternative that anyone can see).

[Clockwatching]

Your sister sounds like she needs a healthy dose of tough love. The biggest problem I see with you guys doing that is that she has kids.

 

Maybe you can send gifts for Christmas and birthdays to the kids and give them your contact information and just ignore your sister?

 

Maybe she'll realize what she lost when she doesn't have you guys in her life anymore.

 

Indeed you're right - my biggest worry has been the kids. They're pretty much grown now, one with massive emotional problems who has tried to take his own life twice, and the other who doesn't seem to care about anything and is going nowhere fast. There's very little we know about their life because she's kept us away, the little that we do know isn't good. Because of the distance the kids don't keep in touch with us, and have probably been convinced that we don't approve of their lifestyle and are judgemental and so they should keep away. I tried to stay close to them when they were younger but it was made impossible by my sister. God, why did I start talking about this?! lol omg.. laugh or you cry!

[Clockwatching]

I know how you feel, the thought of seeing my sister is enough to leave me quaking in fear, let alone allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to have a conservation with her about the pain that she has caused, nobody is impressed with her that she cut me off yet she very easily shrugs it off like it means nothing at all, trust me, your far from pathetic, in my life time the one woman who has made me cry more than any other is my sister, I really don't know how to advise you because I myself could never shut my sister out as that would mean goodbye to my nephew as well, unfortunately all I can do is be patient and just hope that she reaches out, I really feel for your mother, she must feel distraught with all that is going on.

 

I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling like that - honestly it brings so much anxiety and emotion I couldn't hold it together and it would likely be absolute jibberish, and she would beat me down with it - any weakness in that respect is generally used against you. In a way, it may be a blessing that your sister has cut you off if it affects you like that, although I totally hear you about your nephew - mine are a constant concern. I think you're right in that the only way is to stay open for the kids, I kind of live in hope that one day they see through the BS and see the possibilities for their lives, and reach out when that happens, in which case I'll totally be there. In the meantime though, I can't see any way around it. My mother is really struggling, and in some ways I don't know which was worse - her getting constantly rejected and treated like cr$p, or the grief she's going through right now. I hope that the grief is something that she can work through but I suppose only time will tell.

 

I wish you all the best with your sister - be strong and live your own life and surround yourself with people who can have loving relationships, it's a difficult thing but in ways I feel that sometimes people just have different life co-ordinates to us and we won't necessarily always understand them. I suppose we all have to remain open to love, but have the wisdom to protect ourselves when we need to as well. That's a difficult balance with people like this, believe me I know! Part of you wants to reach out and love it out of them, the other part knows that it's not your choice or right to do that, and we must accept things as they are in someone elses life and mind. I feel for you, good to know you're not alone though I hope.

[amaysngrace]

I feel bad that you are going through this, I really do and especially your mom and her grandchildren.

 

I would try to reach the kids somehow and just let them know you're here for them if they ever need anything but leave their mom out of it. Don't mention her or ask about her.

 

Maybe whatever affections you have for her you can shift towards them. This way they'll know you care and you can show that haven't hardened your heart because nobody really wants to do that.

 

But towards your sister you probably should. At least until she makes some type of effort to show you that she wants you in her life anyway.

 

I'm really sorry for you and your family.

[Clockwatching]

I feel bad that you are going through this, I really do and especially your mom and her grandchildren.

 

I would try to reach the kids somehow and just let them know you're here for them if they ever need anything but leave their mom out of it. Don't mention her or ask about her.

 

Maybe whatever affections you have for her you can shift towards them. This way they'll know you care and you can show that haven't hardened your heart because nobody really wants to do that.

 

But towards your sister you probably should. At least until she makes some type of effort to show you that she wants you in her life anyway.

 

I'm really sorry for you and your family.

 

Thanks amaysngrace, it sounds silly but it means a lot - often I try not to think about it too much, then when you write it down it really hits you, you know?

 

I think you're right, I don't have any real way to contact them except through post, but I will still keep sending them cards and gifts and let them know that I'm here, whatever that means. There may be a time in their life when they need that, and they should know that more than I think they currently do.

 

The kids, despite the problems are great people (the younger one could be a problem but he's still young) and I really enjoy being around them whenever I've had the chance these last few years, so I can see that definitely being a way to build.

 

Thanks guys, this has really helped more than you know just to talk it out and see if there's any way forward that's healthy - so hard to see the wood for the trees when you're up to your neck in it.

[amaysngrace]

I'm really glad you're dealing with this even if it's just by posting about it.

 

It hurts to have somebody that you love treat you like you don't matter no matter who that person is.

 

Tough love. Make her make the next move because you have done more than enough.

[Clockwatching]

I'm really glad you're dealing with this even if it's just by posting about it.

 

It hurts to have somebody that you love treat you like you don't matter no matter who that person is.

 

Tough love. Make her make the next move because you have done more than enough.

 

I will do, I think at the moment my mother above all needs to find a way forward for her own wellbeing as it's the dynamic between her and my sister that is difficult at the moment, she's used to distance from me. I just hope that she can find some peace with it whatever it entails, she really does deserve better than this - she's a heart of gold type which is why it's so heartbreaking to see, but hopefully she can find a way through.

 

Fingers crossed and one more step for mankind, thanks for listening amaysngrace, you're a star.

[amaysngrace]

You're very sweet.

 

I hope everything works out for all of you. I really do. xo

[turnera]

Thanks Turnera, there's a very sad part of me that doesn't think it's possible - she's really just learned to branch out from the family to other people who can provide what she needs, since the material stuff wasn't given any more and nobody could agree with what she was doing in general. So understandably, she mostly hangs around with people who agree with her - generally those who smoke a lot of weed and checked out from society. Now that she has that, we're far less needed and therefore there aren't really many consequences that she can see, other than my mother's sadness and everyone else who has distanced themselves (without exception, reluctantly, but because they can't deal with it and there's no alternative that anyone can see).

If she does, she does.

 

The whole point is that YOU should be mentally washing your hands of her and helping your mom to do the same, until/if she improves.

 

Go ahead and send the kids Christmas cards with a check; if they don't cash the check, their loss. That way, you're leaving out an olive branch. With your address. You never know. (but don't you dare let them move in with you)

 

And you might want to take your mom with you to a counselor, just for one session, so your mom can hear from a professional that this really is out of her hands and not on her. It might help her a lot to hear that.

Edited February 1, 2016 by turnera

[DrMario]

I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling like that - honestly it brings so much anxiety and emotion I couldn't hold it together and it would likely be absolute jibberish, and she would beat me down with it - any weakness in that respect is generally used against you. In a way, it may be a blessing that your sister has cut you off if it affects you like that, although I totally hear you about your nephew - mine are a constant concern. I think you're right in that the only way is to stay open for the kids, I kind of live in hope that one day they see through the BS and see the possibilities for their lives, and reach out when that happens, in which case I'll totally be there. In the meantime though, I can't see any way around it. My mother is really struggling, and in some ways I don't know which was worse - her getting constantly rejected and treated like cr$p, or the grief she's going through right now. I hope that the grief is something that she can work through but I suppose only time will tell.

 

I wish you all the best with your sister - be strong and live your own life and surround yourself with people who can have loving relationships, it's a difficult thing but in ways I feel that sometimes people just have different life co-ordinates to us and we won't necessarily always understand them. I suppose we all have to remain open to love, but have the wisdom to protect ourselves when we need to as well. That's a difficult balance with people like this, believe me I know! Part of you wants to reach out and love it out of them, the other part knows that it's not your choice or right to do that, and we must accept things as they are in someone elses life and mind. I feel for you, good to know you're not alone though I hope.

 

The anxiety is the worst part, I can't live my life as I normally would, this situation is always in the back of my mind, my sister is all I have left on my Dad's side, that means everything to me yet not so much to her as she can cut me off at any given time, i love my sister and I love being close to her but that closeness comes with a price, my self worth and my dignity, because if I show weakness of any kind be it emotional or otherwise she won't support me and I will feel like a problem to her rather than a brother that she cares for, i think your mother has really been put through it, I would say the grief of feeling abandoned and devoid of worth is the hardest part to work through, I imagine even when your mother was being rejected and treated in a bad way, the thought that they may be able to patch it up at some point while communication was open was a hope that she needed, in a sense your sister pulled the rug out from beneath her feet but hopefully your mother than find some way of coping and understand that it's alright to take the backseat, as I imagine as a mother she would feel guilt if she didn't feel the way that she did about this situation, the poor woman must be torn in half.

 

Thankyou for your kind words, I hope your sister gets her act together as well, as it stands I am holding on to myself the best I can, I don't reach out to her like I did when she first cut me off but I don't ignore her either, i just accept that I'll be there with loving arms when she needs me regardless, hopefully one day she will see the value in that, it really does help to know that I am not alone but as an emphatic person it breaks my heart to know that you and your mother are going through this unbearable pain, you guys will pull through, stay strong by your mothers side, your all she's got.

[Clockwatching]

If she does, she does.

 

The whole point is that YOU should be mentally washing your hands of her and helping your mom to do the same, until/if she improves.

 

Go ahead and send the kids Christmas cards with a check; if they don't cash the check, their loss. That way, you're leaving out an olive branch. With your address. You never know. (but don't you dare let them move in with you)

 

And you might want to take your mom with you to a counselor, just for one session, so your mom can hear from a professional that this really is out of her hands and not on her. It might help her a lot to hear that.

 

I do try to mentally be stronger about it - I definitely used to be and I'm not sure why I don't feel that any more, maybe it's just the tiredness of it?! Age?! Who knows..

 

Oh believe me I wouldn't let them move in, been there, done that, got the scars..! I think I'd emigrate first! My mom is definitely up for seeing a counsellor and is supposed to be getting in touch with them this week, I really hope it helps her, I think it'd definitely help her to talk to an objective party as she's never actually done that.

 

Thanks for the kick up the a$$, strangely very much appreciated!

[Clockwatching]

The anxiety is the worst part, I can't live my life as I normally would, this situation is always in the back of my mind, my sister is all I have left on my Dad's side, that means everything to me yet not so much to her as she can cut me off at any given time, i love my sister and I love being close to her but that closeness comes with a price, my self worth and my dignity, because if I show weakness of any kind be it emotional or otherwise she won't support me and I will feel like a problem to her rather than a brother that she cares for, i think your mother has really been put through it, I would say the grief of feeling abandoned and devoid of worth is the hardest part to work through, I imagine even when your mother was being rejected and treated in a bad way, the thought that they may be able to patch it up at some point while communication was open was a hope that she needed, in a sense your sister pulled the rug out from beneath her feet but hopefully your mother than find some way of coping and understand that it's alright to take the backseat, as I imagine as a mother she would feel guilt if she didn't feel the way that she did about this situation, the poor woman must be torn in half.

 

Thankyou for your kind words, I hope your sister gets her act together as well, as it stands I am holding on to myself the best I can, I don't reach out to her like I did when she first cut me off but I don't ignore her either, i just accept that I'll be there with loving arms when she needs me regardless, hopefully one day she will see the value in that, it really does help to know that I am not alone but as an emphatic person it breaks my heart to know that you and your mother are going through this unbearable pain, you guys will pull through, stay strong by your mothers side, your all she's got.

 

Hey Dr I do feel for you and understand exactly what you mean, although I think I'm probably more on the angry about it side of the spectrum (well, veering between that and heart broken) but I think that's protectiveness of my mother. I've read quite a lot about people who operate like this, and I think it's very true that those that do are 'goal oriented' people - they have a purpose, a goal, and lack empathy - that means that they can't understand the hurt they cause as they're so single minded towards what they're trying to achieve, a bit like a military operation or a con artist has to do to get what they want. It's helpful to understand it like that because well, firstly, it helps you to identify when it's happening so that you don't get duped, and secondly it helps you to emotionally detach because you know it's not personal. On the flip side, when the situation ends, it's pretty sh*tty to feel like the detritous that's left over from somebody else's campaign. That's why it's important not to get trapped in the middle of it, which I guess is why we choose distance.

 

I really had a lightbulb moment when you said that the hope was what my mother needed, and I think you're very right with that. I think that's what's made it sad to see that hope fading, that even though it was hope at a massive price, it was still hope. I do hope for you that your sister does come to see the value in it, but to me you sound like a person with a lot of love to give to people who can give the same back, never short change yourself with that just because one person can't see it because they only see themselves, take care of you first and the rest will come.

[Clockwatching]

The anxiety is the worst part, I can't live my life as I normally would, this situation is always in the back of my mind, my sister is all I have left on my Dad's side, that means everything to me yet not so much to her as she can cut me off at any given time, i love my sister and I love being close to her but that closeness comes with a price, my self worth and my dignity, because if I show weakness of any kind be it emotional or otherwise she won't support me and I will feel like a problem to her rather than a brother that she cares for, i think your mother has really been put through it, I would say the grief of feeling abandoned and devoid of worth is the hardest part to work through, I imagine even when your mother was being rejected and treated in a bad way, the thought that they may be able to patch it up at some point while communication was open was a hope that she needed, in a sense your sister pulled the rug out from beneath her feet but hopefully your mother than find some way of coping and understand that it's alright to take the backseat, as I imagine as a mother she would feel guilt if she didn't feel the way that she did about this situation, the poor woman must be torn in half.

 

Thankyou for your kind words, I hope your sister gets her act together as well, as it stands I am holding on to myself the best I can, I don't reach out to her like I did when she first cut me off but I don't ignore her either, i just accept that I'll be there with loving arms when she needs me regardless, hopefully one day she will see the value in that, it really does help to know that I am not alone but as an emphatic person it breaks my heart to know that you and your mother are going through this unbearable pain, you guys will pull through, stay strong by your mothers side, your all she's got.

 

Ps.. It sounds like to some degree you're grieving some loss on your dads side that maybe you're trying to discover in your sister, I could be wrong and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but if that is the case in whatever form I wanted to share that I read something about grief that I found very helpful. I can't remember where I read it, but it said to think about and truly feel the person/situation that you're grieving and think about all of the things that you love about them and hold it in your heart, and try to express those aspects of that person every day - that way, you honour their memory of the best things about them that you loved and you touch other people with their gifts and their memory and they will live through you, and you will no longer have to search for them. I can barely write that without it bringing tears to my eyes, but I feel it's so true and it's gotten me through some tough times and made me appreciate my life and the people I have known. It may be true for your dad's side of the family, and also true of the parts of your sister that you miss because you can't be vulnerable with her, it might help. xx

[DrMario]

Hey Dr I do feel for you and understand exactly what you mean, although I think I'm probably more on the angry about it side of the spectrum (well, veering between that and heart broken) but I think that's protectiveness of my mother. I've read quite a lot about people who operate like this, and I think it's very true that those that do are 'goal oriented' people - they have a purpose, a goal, and lack empathy - that means that they can't understand the hurt they cause as they're so single minded towards what they're trying to achieve, a bit like a military operation or a con artist has to do to get what they want. It's helpful to understand it like that because well, firstly, it helps you to identify when it's happening so that you don't get duped, and secondly it helps you to emotionally detach because you know it's not personal. On the flip side, when the situation ends, it's pretty sh*tty to feel like the detritous that's left over from somebody else's campaign. That's why it's important not to get trapped in the middle of it, which I guess is why we choose distance.

 

I really had a lightbulb moment when you said that the hope was what my mother needed, and I think you're very right with that. I think that's what's made it sad to see that hope fading, that even though it was hope at a massive price, it was still hope. I do hope for you that your sister does come to see the value in it, but to me you sound like a person with a lot of love to give to people who can give the same back, never short change yourself with that just because one person can't see it because they only see themselves, take care of you first and the rest will come.

 

What you said makes complete sense and at some points in time my sister even admitted she had borderline traits, I think emotionally detaching myself might not be the worst idea, at this point I'm tired of crying and I think of what I might say to her should she come back round and nothing comes out anymore, I would never want to think of my only sister in a negative way, I think at times I side step what I'm experiencing instead of rolling head on with it, i think a part of me feels guilty when I try.

 

I think if your mother could so much as get an inch from your sister she would view it as a thousand miles, your mother seems likely a lovely woman and she would have to be to be in pieces like this over what your sister is doing, she loves her daughter and no mother wants to feel like her daughter doesn't value her, thankyou for the kind compliment, I appreciate it.

[DrMario]

Ps.. It sounds like to some degree you're grieving some loss on your dads side that maybe you're trying to discover in your sister, I could be wrong and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but if that is the case in whatever form I wanted to share that I read something about grief that I found very helpful. I can't remember where I read it, but it said to think about and truly feel the person/situation that you're grieving and think about all of the things that you love about them and hold it in your heart, and try to express those aspects of that person every day - that way, you honour their memory of the best things about them that you loved and you touch other people with their gifts and their memory and they will live through you, and you will no longer have to search for them. I can barely write that without it bringing tears to my eyes, but I feel it's so true and it's gotten me through some tough times and made me appreciate my life and the people I have known. It may be true for your dad's side of the family, and also true of the parts of your sister that you miss because you can't be vulnerable with her, it might help. xx

 

Thankyou for that, I think you have a point, it was a beautiful read and it really made me think, I really miss my dad, he was my best friend and no matter what I did in life, however big or small, he was always proud of me, he would never discriminate or criticise, it would be enough that you tried, since he died I think I have tried to find a bigger meaning in my sister and I have tried to be close to her, some of the pain I feel now she has cut me off I feel comes from the disappointment my dad would feel if he could see the state we are in now, we are all that's left yet we are completely torn apart, i wish I could be vulnerable with my sister and I wish she could be vulnerable with me, I wish I could tell her and hear back the importance of being siblings, I feel like I have no meaning to her yet she has all this meaning to me, I think in many ways I'm still dealing with the grief I feel from my Dad's death, maybe I should deal with that first and deal with my sister once my vision has completely cleared.