I need in-law insight

[oldandrestless]

I've been pretty happily married for almost 25 years. The problems that I do have with my husband primarily surface when we are with his parents or family members who fortunately live several states away from us.

 

When we do have to visit which has been more lately due to his parents age and infirmity, I just dread going.

 

It is very clear that they had hoped for something different/better for my husband from the beginning. Over the years I've been purposely left out of photos, had credit for things I've done wholly given to my husband, am routinely walked away from or interrupted when I do speak. It's really clear to me that they don't wish to know me. At all.

 

The thing that hurts me more than their routine dishes of disrespect is that my husband though knowing that I am hurt by these things refuses to even speak up and say something like, "Oh no, oldandrestless did that, not me." Nope he just sucks up the credit or moves on with the crowd when they leave me hanging mid-sentance though I've hardly said anything at all. The thing is, if I didn't remind him to call his folks (multiple times) or if I didn't send them cards and the like, it would never ever happen. They think he's an awesome son.

 

So here I am, at his folks again and I finally have had it. I made an excuse and am sitting in the car typing this, heartsick that my normally good husband is again is trespassing on me to get whatever gravy slops over onto him. I'm about ready to chuck it all, marriage and his family and just get free of it. I'm sure that I'm overreacting but I'm really hurt by 25 years of this treatment and nothing I do, beg, reason, suggest etc. moves my husband to stand by me in their presence. I'd welcome insight from the folks here.

Edited January 29, 2016 by oldandrestless

[basil67]

I recall my lovely uncle who couldn't get on with his inlaws. He avoided going to visit them. And I suggest you do the same - let your husband go on his own when he visits. Imagine how peaceful you will be at home knowing you've been spared the angst. And stop reminding your husband to call them - he's a big boy, let him call them when he remembers.

 

In short, stop trying and back right off.

 

If your husband rejects your stance, stand firm. Or at the very least, make a deal that you will only go if he actively has your back.

[newmoon]

The thing is, if I didn't remind him to call his folks (multiple times) or if I didn't send them cards and the like, it would never ever happen. They think he's an awesome son.

 

you've enabled him for 25 YEARS? and now you want to change things? yeah, good luck with that. there ain't no way behavior will change after that length of time, with either him or the in-laws. the relationships are pretty well set. the only hope of some change is you. just get a backbone, speak your mind, stop doing things for him, etc. and be ready to accept the consequences.

[Tayla]

speak up. You are ultimately responsible for fending your own honor.

 

Hubs simply needs to support your attempts so long as blood isnt shed.

 

I know of the sorrow... and the way out is to speak up.

[oldandrestless]

I won't be speaking up to his family. I've done that well as I could over the years, with tact, humor and finally with blunt to the point statements and it does no good. Doing so has only caused more friction over the years. They are set in their ways and confronting their dismissive and rude behavior would do zero good and would in fact would be worse for the situation as I have experienced.

 

Last night my husband and I had a pretty big discussion after we went back to our room. (We no longer stay there.) I confronted the thing/s that he had done to curry their favor at my expense yesterday and he agreed that he had done those things that upset me and he said that he didn't know why he did them. I told him that I will try to make it through today by being absent most of the day (we leave tomorrow) and by never ever coming back to his family functions again and finally I said that we need to go to marriage counseling when we get home and let the chips fall where they may.

 

It seems simple: "Hey just speak up" that will cure it. Nope. I hoped those people would like or at least respect me once they got to know me. Most people do. They have never even given me a decent chance. Their mind was made up from the get go that I was not good enough for their son/brother. I give up. My husband will have to confront their waning years without my immediate support and that is his (and their) fault. I doubt that I will even attend another funeral on his side. I'm just so done with it and if that takes my marriage down, so be it.

[newmoon]

I won't be speaking up to his family. I've done that well as I could over the years, with tact, humor and finally with blunt to the point statements and it does no good. Doing so has only caused more friction over the years. They are set in their ways and confronting their dismissive and rude behavior would do zero good and would in fact would be worse for the situation as I have experienced.

 

Last night my husband and I had a pretty big discussion after we went back to our room. (We no longer stay there.) I confronted the thing/s that he had done to curry their favor at my expense yesterday and he agreed that he had done those things that upset me and he said that he didn't know why he did them. I told him that I will try to make it through today by being absent most of the day (we leave tomorrow) and by never ever coming back to his family functions again and finally I said that we need to go to marriage counseling when we get home and let the chips fall where they may.

 

It seems simple: "Hey just speak up" that will cure it. Nope. I hoped those people would like or at least respect me once they got to know me. Most people do. They have never even given me a decent chance. Their mind was made up from the get go that I was not good enough for their son/brother. I give up. My husband will have to confront their waning years without my immediate support and that is his (and their) fault. I doubt that I will even attend another funeral on his side. I'm just so done with it and if that takes my marriage down, so be it.

 

your last post presents an excellent example to everyone of passive-aggressive behavior. you enable your husband, and yourself for years on end, without properly dealing with issues as they arise. and then, when you reach a personal breaking point, you decide to take another direction after years of 'suffering.' you might want to work on your communication skills in general, because this stems from an inability to properly speak up for yourself when necessary and to let things go continuously unaddressed. you probably do this in other relationships and work as well, i imagine. it's a coping/communication mechanism. handle things as they arise and speak in the moment more authentically about how you feel. you must be doing something right though - 25 years is a solid marriage! good luck.

[oldandrestless]

Moon,

 

You don't know his family. I agree that I have enabled him because he wants to be involved with his family, that it seems highly important to him that they think well of him. They are in IMO somewhat dismissive of him as well but he doesn't want to see this. I will not get involved (tell him to call, help arrange trips or send cards) any longer.

 

If anything your comments speak directly to my husbands pattern of behavior. I have spoken up multiple times in multiple situations over the years in my in-law encounters. It has caused a lot of grief and interfamily gossip. Speaking up has not worked. It will be pointless to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with his family. My husband also believes that it would serve no purpose.

 

If you would have fully read my post you might have understood the effort that I've put into right the situation. Think what you like, call me passive aggressive if it makes you feel better but my path is clear.

 

Out.

Edited January 29, 2016 by oldandrestless

[d0nnivain]

I'd talk to him & tell him he needs to stick up for you more. I'd stop nagging him to call them or send cards. Since he got all the credit in the 1st place, when things fail, he can take the blame.

 

 

Avoid staying at their houses. It's OK to be the bigger person & help his aging parents but build a respite in for yourself.

[preraph]

Well, I would find it irksome too. My best advice to you is to stop being the one to make him look good. Let him pull his own weight. Yes, they will probably all still find a way to blame you, but you and he will know better. He has allowed this to go on. It is very disrespectful. Not sure if everything else is okay that it's worth throwing in the towel after 25 years though. But you can say no to going to see them and you should NOT remind him to be a good son.

[BettyDraper]

Moon,

 

You don't know his family. I agree that I have enabled him because he wants to be involved with his family, that it seems highly important to him that they think well of him. They are in IMO somewhat dismissive of him as well but he doesn't want to see this. I will not get involved (tell him to call, help arrange trips or send cards) any longer.

 

If anything your comments speak directly to my husbands pattern of behavior. I have spoken up multiple times in multiple situations over the years in my in-law encounters. It has caused a lot of grief and interfamily gossip. Speaking up has not worked. It will be pointless to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with his family. My husband also believes that it would serve no purpose.

 

If you would have fully read my post you might have understood the effort that I've put into right the situation. Think what you like, call me passive aggressive if it makes you feel better but my path is clear.

 

Out.

 

Some people do not understand what it is like to have irrational and toxic in-laws. Not every family member will respond favorably to mature discussions. It's best to just avoid people like that once you have done all that you can. It sounds like you have tried your best.

 

Most in-law problems are really issues with your husband; he should have been standing up for you this whole time. The dynamic in your marriage is unlikely to change unless you and your husband get counseling.

[Pastypop]

I too have experienced toxic hateful in laws and parents for 25 years. I have tired standing up for myself, not having anything to with them, screaming, talking, asking my husband to make it stop and nothing has worked. I have also let birthdays, holidays and important family functions slip by to throw him under the bus but, they only blame me.

 

I am now using my kids as a bargaining chip. She and the others can be nice and respectable to me or no grandkids. I could care less if she has a relationship with them. Unfortunately for her, grandparents rights do not exist in my area. Not sure if that's going to work but, it's worth a shot. At least my kids won't be bullied and picked on anymore.

 

That mean, bitter, lonely old woman (MIL) won't even call if I'm around because she wants to sit there and talk crap about me to my husband. (I'm a bad wife, cheater, bad parent and so on). Guess she's figured out by now that he can't keep me under control.

 

They have said horrible things about me, treated me like they have you and have told my kids I'm crazy and a horrible person. Why just last week, my nephew left me a message calling me a bitch. My husband didn't do anything about it.

 

Since they started harassing my kids, he has promised that they will not go up to visit her anymore so we shall see. Hopefully, he keep his promise to me and not cave like coward. One of my kids no longer wants anything to do with them anyway. Honestly, it's gotten to the point that I just stay married to him to prove that I will outlast her. Shoot, I'm going to her funeral wearing the happiest color(hot pink) I can find just make sure she's gone and it's not a joke. Then I just might kick his sorry ass to curb. I truly hate that family and am grateful that my kids are old enough that I don't need those horrible people anymore and I told them as much. We live 8 hours away and that is just too damn close!!

[Gigi2015]

Moon,

 

You don't know his family. I agree that I have enabled him because he wants to be involved with his family, that it seems highly important to him that they think well of him. They are in IMO somewhat dismissive of him as well but he doesn't want to see this. I will not get involved (tell him to call, help arrange trips or send cards) any longer.

 

If anything your comments speak directly to my husbands pattern of behavior. I have spoken up multiple times in multiple situations over the years in my in-law encounters. It has caused a lot of grief and interfamily gossip. Speaking up has not worked. It will be pointless to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with his family. My husband also believes that it would serve no purpose.

 

If you would have fully read my post you might have understood the effort that I've put into right the situation. Think what you like, call me passive aggressive if it makes you feel better but my path is clear.

 

Out.

 

Family is complicated. He probably has issues standing up to them himself... So don't expect a rescue! He probably needed IC and never got it. Don't make him choose between you and his family....it's clear he's never been able to manage them himself. Conflict is not necessary. Read about ways to cope first....then try to help your H...without anger or blame....take it fro there.

[bigbaby]

I'm sure you know you stumbled into a very dysfunctional family here. Apparently your DH still has his lifelong blinders on and remains in his role with them of putting up with a bunch of crap (them disrespecting his wife), hoping to get that ever-elusive brownie point from his crappy parents.

 

I understand why you're deeply furious that he rolls over on you every time but I think you should also really feel sorry for him because look how he's reduced around them. It's pitiful to watch, yes?

 

Also, I think you've done everything right that a normal person would think of to do. Every long term couple I know does have an issue or two that hasn't been resolved. So, you call your husband out on it when he does it. He responds to that but gets sucked back into the family of origin dysfunction whenever he's around them. You've tried being extra nice to fix their misconception that you're not a worthy daughter-in-law. You've confronted them. Now you don't stay over at their house anymore and plan to stop going there completely. And insisting on the marriage counseling. This is not your fault!

 

I think the marriage counselor will recognize this dynamic and hopefully open your husband's eyes to the bigger picture of that dysfunctional family system. It's also very interesting to learn about just from an observer's point of view. Kind of like looking at bacteria under a microscope!

 

Good luck to you. Let us know how the therapy goes!

Edited February 4, 2016 by bigbaby