deckard11 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I lost my father 4 years ago this month. The last words he ever spoke to me were take care of your mother. She turned 82 last month and is somewhat in good health but I see some things starting to happen. I live at home with her and one of my older sisters. We both help take care of her. Living at home at my age basically makes me a loser, but I feel I need to in order to honor what my dad told me to do. Sometimes it feels like I don't have a life of my own because I am helping take care of her and to some extent my older sister because she doesn't drive. So I drive her around a lot. My job out in the real world is only part time. Had to request time off next month to take my mom in to the doctors and what not. Not that I have a life to begin with, but has anyone else put their life on hold for others like I have? Is it frustrating for you at times and do you feel guilty for wanting your own life? It causes me a lot of stress. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 If in the US we have a family leave act now for such matters. Look at it this way. In general, who in this life cares or cared about you as much as your parents? I know that varies for some people but, generally, a person who was cast aside by their parents would despise them and wouldn't be here asking this question. Hence, I presume you had a normal and healthy relationship with yours. Take care of your mom. Heck, sit down with a video camera and just talk with her about life. You may find it to be quite pleasurable and revealing later. Her time here is short. Hopefully you'll have a long life. You have the bonus of siblings to help you. That's nice. I did the caregiving thing for eight years, the last three or four more as a care manager. Not easy, to be sure. My exW checked out. Not her cuppa. Interesting that after we D'd her mom got to the point of needing regular care. Yup. Cost me a marriage and a lot of money but overall no regrets. I was fortunate to have been born and raised in the family I was and consider my short stint as caregiver a small return of that lifelong gift. Up to you how you view things. It's your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sexylovinghim Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I lost my father 4 years ago this month. The last words he ever spoke to me were take care of your mother. She turned 82 last month and is somewhat in good health but I see some things starting to happen. I live at home with her and one of my older sisters. We both help take care of her. Living at home at my age basically makes me a loser, but I feel I need to in order to honor what my dad told me to do. Sometimes it feels like I don't have a life of my own because I am helping take care of her and to some extent my older sister because she doesn't drive. So I drive her around a lot. My job out in the real world is only part time. Had to request time off next month to take my mom in to the doctors and what not. Not that I have a life to begin with, but has anyone else put their life on hold for others like I have? Is it frustrating for you at times and do you feel guilty for wanting your own life? It causes me a lot of stress. Most definitely. There was a period where I had to put everything that I was doing and striving for on hold for my family. But there comes a time where you have to begin doing things for yourself slowly. Your mother needs you right now, so as her son it's your duty to take of her since your father is gone. She took care of you all your life, now it's your turn. But I don't believe that you have to put your entire life on hold. There are things that can be done to make things easier. And you can start by talking to your sister. Why doesn't she drive? Is there a reason why she doesn't? If she has the ability to do so then it's time that she learned. That alone will give you time to breath and find inspirational things to do. That was what I had to do, I had to learn how to designate time for myself so that I didn't lose myself in the situation I was in. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I too have an 83-year-old mother, but I also have 2 brothers, and I'm telling you now, there is no way I will tolerate becoming her primary carer, even though I live fewer than 10 minutes on foot, from her. I also have my own family, but although I can drive, have no car. My older brother works in public transport and his expenses are ridiculously low, so having a car is an added expense and a pointless one at that. My younger brother lives on a long-boat, and is mobile, but naturally, geographically limited to where he can travel that way.... I believe he has a vespa, but I'm not sure.... But no way is that falling uniquely on my shoulders. What I can do, I shall do. But whatever is needed for them to do, they will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I think there is a big difference between being a young adult who can`t afford or want the responsibility of living alone. As opposed to an older adult who is looking after a parent. But anyway, looking after an aging parent can be as time consuming as looking after young children. And child care for children has much higher standards IMO than nursing care for seniors these days. At 82, your mom may be around for another decade or two. So you need to find some way that you can make sure she`s taken care of but not lose your whole life to it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I did it for 12 years, with all the ups and downs and feeling at times cheated out of some years. Little did I know how much those years created a new bond, more mature... caring and even friendship like. Losing my mom was indeed the most sorrowful day. Every moment we shared was pulled out from under. I would give back every gripe I ever expounded to hug her, wipe her face... or have our chats of laughter. It was an honor to tend to her... and get to know her as a lady... a friend and a person who genuinely taught how to give from the heart. If I could wrap up all the things that truly matter, It would be The gift of holding that person in the best of care. One tip though, do find a hobby or a respite from the caregiver task. It will help you when times get stressing. I sincerely wish your mother some wonderful times to get to share with you... her life and her desires. Kids forget parents are ppl too... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 10/4 on the respite care. Very important, IMO. OP didn't outline health problems but, if he's driving her around and there are two people living with her I would presume independent living is far gone for her. There are helps out there, either private or through social services, to provide respite care, either at home or at we call 'adult day care'. I used a private contract carer whom had assisted other members of my mom's family and came recommended. That helped during independent living and gave us peace of mind during dependent living for respite. One thing to take a look at, if her health issues fit, is subsidized assisted living. MediCaid is increasingly helping out in this area and it could be a good fit down the road. One thing I learned with elder care is to always be thinking down the road because things can change fast. Better to have a plan in place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 True, assisted care can be an option, and it will still honor the promise made. One other thing if the parent is coherent is to create the living will. It helps guide the family on the medical decisions and gives the parent some ease when the times come. My mom came from a medical life, so her choices were well considered. Only selfish thing I did was refuse hospice care when Clearly she deserved it earlier then i wanted to surrender to. By the time We decided that avenue... It was Three days later she passed. Her wish to pass at home was honored .. And sadly it is where I still reside. So each day is a reminder that she .... once upon a time shared smiles here... Op, you are by no means a loser when called to assist in a promise... its a blessing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Whenever anyone tells me that they live at home to take care of a parent, the last thing that comes to mind is that they're a loser. There must be a balance here where you can have a life and still care for her. Surely your dad didn't expect you to go broke and have no other life in order to fulfill his wishes. Realistically, your mom could live for another 10 or 15 years. You can't put your life on hold for that long. Btw, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I know that's tough. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) This is a tough question. I honestly think that any parent who genuinely cares about their child's well-being will not WANT their child to literally put their life on hold for their sake. I'm not talking about expecting regular calls and/or visits and a bit of help - that is a reasonable expectation, but about expecting their child to sacrifice their career, their own chance at a family, their own goals and dreams to care for them full-time for years on end. If your parents want and expect that, then I think it is up to you to set your own boundaries and try to strike a balance. Perhaps you could get a full-time job and then put some of the extra money earned towards hiring a housekeeper or carer for your mother during the day, and see her every few evenings or so. It's not necessarily a bad thing for you to live with your mother if you are taking care of her instead of vice versa, and it doesn't make you a loser, but I'm concerned that you have zero balance in your life. No career, no friends, no hobbies, no other goals - it solely revolves around caring for your mother. IMO this is not healthy and she should not want you to go to such lengths. Why are you taking care of your elder sister and driving her around all the time? Does she have a disability? Edit: Geez, I just glanced at your previous posts. The reason you 'have no life' is not reaaaaalllly due to taking care of your mother, is it? Edited January 21, 2016 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I agree with Elswyth. My dad died last week after two months in hospice. Now my mom (84) is living alone after 66 years with, 63 years married to, my dad. She says that she wants to live alone, to drive, to be independent, but she might change her mind or become unable to. I don't have siblings that could help so if someone were to be her caregiver, it would be me or a hired assistant. My dad's last words, other than I love you and good-bye, were, "Do a good job and win." That's what he was like. A balance will be necessary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 my advice on the premise of this topic stands. Where I errored though was in presuming the Op was in a state of responsible life style choices. I recind that he would be a good candidate to attend to his parent. She would fair better with a hired care giver. He would still be doing right by seeing to it that she is being well managed . There are programs available . Seek them out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deckard11 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Thank you all for the responses. My older sister doesn't have a disability. She has never wanted to drive. I think her fear of driving stems from a near car accident she was almost involved in. her friend was driving in snowy weather and the car hit some ice and skidded. I guess it freaked her out. As for my mom, her vision is getting worse and her mobility is wobbly now. A few months ago she fell in the bathroom. Luckily both my sister and I were home. I do my best to help out, but it's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 If your older sister does not want to drive despite being able-bodied, that is her choice - and she has to handle the consequences herself. She can either learn to conquer her fears, or she can instead take public transport and walk. The occasional lift from you is okay, but you ferrying her around on a daily basis is not. I suggest you stop enabling her in that regard, and work on your own life and career. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 i would do anything for my mother (dad died two years ago) b/c without her i wouldn't even be here. personally, it's incredibly selfish to think of yourself and your needs when someone who probably sacrificed a great deal of their dreams and hopes for you in their younger years now needs some care and love. think of what your parent sacrificed for you all those years of their life and give back.so many cultures do it right, by caring for the elderly without a second thought. your Westernized notions of 'me me me' are showing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Deckard, you have too much responsibility on your shoulders. It's not fair on you. Do you have any other family members or family friends who can help you out? Where I live there are special carer services which are government funded. Surely there is some kind of social service that can support you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Edit: Geez, I just glanced at your previous posts. The reason you 'have no life' is not reaaaaalllly due to taking care of your mother, is it? Perhaps family dysfunction and enmeshment(blurring of personal boundaries) has dragged Deckard under. I can empathise. I've had unreasonable responsibilities placed on my shoulders by family and only recently(I'm 40 now) has this reality become more clear to me. Some people go through life completely unaware of their rights to independence from the problems of individual family members and never realise that they are worthy of a life or their own. It's unfair and totally dysfunctional. It's healthy that OP is questioning his role. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 i would do anything for my mother (dad died two years ago) b/c without her i wouldn't even be here. personally, it's incredibly selfish to think of yourself and your needs when someone who probably sacrificed a great deal of their dreams and hopes for you in their younger years now needs some care and love. think of what your parent sacrificed for you all those years of their life and give back.so many cultures do it right, by caring for the elderly without a second thought. your Westernized notions of 'me me me' are showing. This is not a fair comparison in any way. Parents made the conscious decision to have children and fully consented to spending 18 years of their life looking after a child as part of that decision. The reverse is not true. The responsibility that parents have and the responsibility that children have is not the same. Saying that without them you would not exist is a moot point because if you did not exist you would not realize that you did not exist. Obviously, I am not advocating showing zero love and care towards parents - people should care for them, but there should be a balance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 This is not a fair comparison in any way. Parents made the conscious decision to have children and fully consented to spending 18 years of their life looking after a child as part of that decision. The reverse is not true. The responsibility that parents have and the responsibility that children have is not the same. Saying that without them you would not exist is a moot point because if you did not exist you would not realize that you did not exist. Obviously, I am not advocating showing zero love and care towards parents - people should care for them, but there should be a balance. you can get your own life balance back when they die. what is a few years out of your life. it's showing basic compassion towards another human being, even if you remove the fact that they are a parent. it's compassion for someone who is aging and needs your assistance. a lot of people show more compassion to complete strangers and pets than their own family. how can the elderly feel good about growing old when they have kids with your mentality? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 .... a lot of people show more compassion to complete strangers and pets than their own family. Yes and that's usually due to abuse, manipulation and enmeshment within families. It is common but a forbidden/taboo topic of conversation. For the sake of one's own health and sanity it's necessary to break free and escape. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Yes and that's usually due to abuse, manipulation and enmeshment within families. It is common but a forbidden/taboo topic of conversation. For the sake of one's own health and sanity it's necessary to break free and escape. ....and of course it's only normal and healthy for children to grow into independent adults who are able to help and support the people they choose to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 you can get your own life balance back when they die. what is a few years out of your life. it's showing basic compassion towards another human being, even if you remove the fact that they are a parent. it's compassion for someone who is aging and needs your assistance. a lot of people show more compassion to complete strangers and pets than their own family. how can the elderly feel good about growing old when they have kids with your mentality? ^^^^This^^^^ I commend. Only in America or Western Society will you find the "Me generation" speaking so vehemently against Honor for their parents. So well said though of you to remind folks that You are indeed living YOUR life when giving to others who are in need. Funny how folks will say how they will be true to their spouse ( non blood) that should an accident occur , they'd be there. Yet a parent who freely loved, natured and welcomed them into adulthood could shun them near the end of their life. ... The Asian community have more reverence...We could learn from that... I should find the article on this very mindset studied in our society. Interesting read. WHen I do, I'll post for further review. The OP though is challenged by maintaining self sufficiency, so It stands to reason to not expect or suggest that attending to someone else is in his nature. OP- Get Govt assistance. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 ^^^^This^^^^ I commend. Only in America or Western Society will you find the "Me generation" speaking so vehemently against Honor for their parents. So well said though of you to remind folks that You are indeed living YOUR life when giving to others who are in need. Funny how folks will say how they will be true to their spouse ( non blood) that should an accident occur , they'd be there. Yet a parent who freely loved, natured and welcomed them into adulthood could shun them near the end of their life. ... The Asian community have more reverence...We could learn from that... I should find the article on this very mindset studied in our society. Interesting read. WHen I do, I'll post for further review. The OP though is challenged by maintaining self sufficiency, so It stands to reason to not expect or suggest that attending to someone else is in his nature. OP- Get Govt assistance. It does depend how you were brought up though. I have absolutely nothing to thank my mother for. She was a manipulative, abusive narcissist who put herself first constantly and controlled my life to the extent I wasnt allowed to leave the house without her. At 16 years old I had never been out of the house alone. When the time comes, I will throw her in a nursing home and let her rot. Because it is what she deserves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Whenever anyone tells me that they live at home to take care of a parent, the last thing that comes to mind is that they're a loser. There must be a balance here where you can have a life and still care for her. Surely your dad didn't expect you to go broke and have no other life in order to fulfill his wishes. Realistically, your mom could live for another 10 or 15 years. You can't put your life on hold for that long. Btw, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I know that's tough. This was the first thing that went through my mind when I read the OP, as well. I think it's admirable to stay home and care for your mother. I also think it needs to be balanced so you can have your own life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Keeping up with your promise is admirable, but you have a life of your own too. There has to be a balance otherwise you will build up resentment. You and your sister can negotiate on home/care time while the other pursues activities outside of the home. Its pretty tough that she relies on you for chauffeur services but if its your "me" time, she has to find her own way to get to do her stuff. Maybe you're feeling extra stress because its not just your mother that you're looking after but running around your sister as well? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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