Mom restricted from grandchild

[newmoon]

How does your family handle this? My mom and I cannot figure out who is right/wrong or how to handle it.

 

Brother just got married to an internet woman ( 2 months now); she has a 10-year-old and a 15-year-old, and my brother has a 7 year-old. My mom and I have met the wife and her kids twice, for about 15-20 minutes total. My mom and her grandchild (only grandchild) are extremely close, but now that he is married my brother has told my mom that she can no longer see her age 7 boy grandchild without taking along the 10 year old boy (the 15 is a female and not interested). My mom is older, 73, single, has a few minor health issues, so it's hard for her to manage one boy, let alone two, and they don't get on, the two boys. How do you handle additional grandkids/biological grandkids? Not sure what to tell her and right now she is basically being denied visits and has been for 2 months, since he married. My brother is also schizophrenic, so it is hard to reason with him as you would a normal man. They live 10 miles apart, and my mom has been told she can make visits to their apartment instead to visit, but she wants alone time w/her only grandchild.

Edited January 11, 2016 by newmoon

[LydiaLong]

That's a tough one. As a grandparent, she has very little control over the situation. Perhaps she could take both boys and maybe a friend could come over and help her watch them. She may have to accept the terms.

[turnera]

I think I'd try to show her that this would be a great time for her to be compassionate, think of how those other kids feel being thrust into a new family, and if she could welcome them into her life, if not her heart, then she may end up making some great new relationships. And if it's too hard to handle them all, just visit over there; that's just something she'll have to accept as part of her aging. My mom had to make a lot of adjustments as she got older, scale back on what she could do, basically accept less. But she tried to be optimistic about it. So maybe you can help her do that.

 

And besides, it's a fair bet that they'll stop demanding she take them all on after a while. If she honors their wishes while the rule is still in force, she'll keep good relations going.

[Tayla]

Certain Providences and States have Grandparent rules. So she may well have to go that avenue if she is fortunate to live in such an area that allows petitions for visitations. Since she has been close to the grandchild her rights may be protected. Consult an attorney to best advise.

 

Sorry that this has surfaced, Children deserve to know their relatives if such have been positive role models.

[carhill]

If your mother has friends her age who also have grandchildren, well, what are friends for? Folks that age are generally retired and have plenty of time on their hands and those who have and enjoy grandchildren could certainly facilitate mom taking both boys for a day or part of, either to hang out or take somewhere as a group.

 

Also, since your brother is mentally ill, I suspect your mother has been dealing with him for quite some time so knows how to handle what might seem to others as unreasonable interactions. Usually, there's a solution which respects everyone. The important thing, IMO, is the young boys and their lot in life. We adults can make some sacrifices. In our social group, there'd be a number of 'old timer' males who'd help grandma out and take the group out doing guy stuff that would still respect grandma. Try some different ideas and see what works.

[CC12]

right now she is basically being denied visits

 

That's not true at all. She is welcome to visit at their house or to bring the other boy along on outings. She has chosen not to see her grandson.

 

Your brother has chosen to make a life with new people. That means you guys have new family members. I can see why your brother wants his new stepson to be included in family outings. By not allowing him to participate, it sends a message to the new boy that his stepdad's family doesn't want anything to do with him. I don't think that's a very nice thing to do to a child.

 

I also think that by only having met the new wife and her children for 20 minutes, she's been sent the message that you all don't want to have anything to do with her, either. Is there a good reason for that?

[StBreton]

Maybe grandma can do a one on one with her grandson, then the next week do a one on one with the NEW grandson, then the following week have the 3 of them go together. If I were a grandma, that's what I would do. This ensures she gets time with her grandson and builds a relationship with the new grandson...making him feel included in the family.

 

Going to a movie with a few kids is the easiest thing a grandparent can do...or going for ice cream. I just can't imagine how much harder an extra kid is going to be for simple activities.

 

PS...I have 2 youngish boys...they go with grandma every other week for an afternoon...she hardly has to attend to them at all when they go out for frozen yogurt or to a game etc. I think this is being made a bigger deal than it has to be. Be open, be loving.

Edited January 12, 2016 by StBreton

[carhill]

OP, question.... have your mother and brother always had a contentious relationship or is this something new? Also, was she significantly involved in his care at any time in his adult life?

 

If a change, this could indicate something going on with your mother not relevant to the specifics of the boys in question, or your brother. If she did care for him, and now he's gone and married an 'internet woman', there could be misplaced jealousy and an inappropriate response to that from her which isn't in plain evidence, straining their relationship and causing him to escalate since, as you noted, he can't be dealt with in the same manner as a completely sane person.

 

IME, in these cases, usually there's reasons other than the obvious and also a solution. It's just a matter of figuring things out if folks want to.

[bigbaby]

I think the best thing for her to do is just bite her lip and go with it for a little while.

 

 

Chances are good that this instant family her schizophrenic son has formed won't last or the older boy will soon prefer staying home and hanging out with his friends instead of coming along. Or, who knows, she might even end up liking the kid!