Cousins hate my husband

[WindyWaves]

I haven't spoke to my cousins for about two years now. I have three cousins who are siblings that I grew up with. The oldest one, M, is about a year older than me and she's always been the one to call the shots with her siblings. We've all moved around for school and work, had life changes, have been in and out of touch, but we always had a good relationship. The three of them came to my wedding and were super helpful and we all had a blast. My parents live in a different state and my place was hours away so I was staying at my cousins house a few days leading up to the wedding and my cousins were flying in later. I felt awkward and uncomfortable staying with their parents while they were not there. My husbands cousin had offered for me to stay at her house multiple times. I asked my husband to ask her on my behalf if the offer still stands. My husband calls his cousin up and tells her that I feel awkward staying there and its hard since my cousins aren't there. His cousins husband chimes in and says "yea, I know how he is! He likes to lecture a lot!". (My cousin and my husbands cousin are friends from high school) All three have a laugh about it and move on. My husband calls me immediately after the conversation and tells me about it. I ended up not staying there because one of her kids was sick and I didn't want to catch anything before my wedding. Fast forward, about two days later, my cousins come into town and everything is fine.

 

About a week after the wedding, my parents hosted a dinner party and my cousins were invited. It just so happened to fall on the day of M's birthday. I planned with her sister and bought a cake for her as a surprise. They never showed up and none of them respond to my texts. A few days later, I see M posted on fb about having a lovely birthday dinner with some other people. I texted her about it saying that I understand she wanted to celebrate her birthday but I wished she had told me they weren't coming. M calls me and tells me that she didn't want to come because she doesn't like my husband. She says he's rude and disrespectful. She says that he never greeted her properly or said thank you to her, etc. I'm extremely confused and finally she tells me that she "heard" that my husband was speaking badly of her father by saying that he "likes to lecture a lot". I immediately figure out what she's talking about. I tell M right away that I know EXACTLY what she's talking about and that is NOT how the conversation went. After going in circles, my cousin refuses to believe anything I say and is adamant that my husband is an awful person. M ends the conversation with "I don't like him. I don't care to get to know him. I do not want to be anywhere near him and there is nothing you can do to change that." I was frustrated at this point so I was basically gave up. I said obviously I'm not going to change your mind, so what else can I say? About a week later I sent a long facebook message to her sister basically pouring my heart out, explaining the situation, and begging her to understand and to forgive me if we did anything wrong. She read the letter but never responds with even a single word.

 

Since then, two years have gone by where I haven't spoken to any of them. This has been weighing heavily on me. If anything, it has nearly sucked all the joy from my wedding. I feel that its just ridiculous that we don't speak. Especially since it was something that was a misunderstanding/he-said she-said. I decided I want to make an effort to reconnect. A couple of weeks ago, it was my younger cousins birthday (the one who didn't respond to my message) so I texted her and wished her a happy birthday. She actually responded with a thank you. I tell her we should get together sometime and she says sure. I ask her if she's in town for the holidays and she says she isn't due to work. I ask her if her sister or brother are in town and she never responds. A week after that, I text the youngest cousin and ask if he would like to get some coffee. I know he is in town and M is also in town based on what he's posting on social media. He never responds even though I'm positive it's still his phone number. I even sent a follow up text with no response. A week after that, I text M and say that its been a long time, asking her how she's doing and she has not responded either.

 

I don't really know what to do at this point. I almost feel desperate. I'm tempted to call her father up and discuss what happened with him. I'm sure he knows the situation since he's very much involved in their lives and they are close with their father. I'm also considering calling my husbands cousin and confronting her about what she said. I never confronted her at the time because I didn't want to cause MORE drama. It's possible that she doesn't know what she caused. BUT, in my heart of hearts, I know that SHE isn't the sole cause of it. I feel like for whatever reason, M just doesn't like my husband and the other two are just following along. I feel like it might be jealousy because she's older and unmarried and she just needed an excuse to feel better about herself. I know that my husband isn't Mother Theresa and sometimes he says/does things jokingly that maybe he shouldn't but he's FAR from being an *******. So another part of me is just angry and I feel like why should I have to beg? If they really love me, if they care for me, they would at least give it another chance. I could understand them not going out of their way to hang out with my husband, but to just draw a line in the sand like that and throw our relationship away when they BARELY know him? I just don't know what to do. I've been extremely unhappy for the past month or two and it is causing me to be angry with my husband. I haven't told him that I reached out to them but I can't help but think that if he would have been nicer or friendlier, etc, this wouldn't have happened. I really need some advice on what to do since it's driving me crazy! Thanks.

[Tayla]

Well, as the saying goes, How many times must one put there hand on the burner to realize they are going to get burnt each time?

 

You sound like a kind and caring soul. Be that to yourself. They are the ones missing out.

 

Sounds to me that you went above and beyond to try and make amends from this misunderstanding. But to be quite honest, I cannot understand Why you had to be the peace keeper? You are by far not responsible for others opinions or re-actions. They need to own up to this mess, and fix it. Not you.

 

Being the bigger person is sometimes the one who steps back and allows the wrongful persons to clean up the mess's.

[LydiaLong]

You've done everything you could possibly do to try to mend this rift. Clearly, they want to hold on to grudge. You need to just let go of all of them. Permanently.

[preraph]

I have to start by asking who the person was referring to when they said he likes to lecture. Who likes to lecture? Because that was not at all clear to me. Was it a male cousin? That's all I could get out of it.

 

Look, if this group enjoy a feud more than they enjoy a friendship, I really think the best thing you can do is ignore them. My feeling is anyone who wants to feud this much is getting something out of it, and that something in this case is a LOT of attention from you. Stop even talking to them and proceed with your life, kick them off Facebook if you want, or leave them on there, but they like this negative attention and it's you who are feeding that. Once they no longer get a reward for this, they will either come around OR find a new feud to fuel them.

[turnera]

Talk to their dad. You never know when he might have a chance to tell them the truth and set them straight.

[WindyWaves]

I have to start by asking who the person was referring to when they said he likes to lecture. Who likes to lecture? Because that was not at all clear to me. Was it a male cousin? That's all I could get out of it.

 

Look, if this group enjoy a feud more than they enjoy a friendship, I really think the best thing you can do is ignore them. My feeling is anyone who wants to feud this much is getting something out of it, and that something in this case is a LOT of attention from you. Stop even talking to them and proceed with your life, kick them off Facebook if you want, or leave them on there, but they like this negative attention and it's you who are feeding that. Once they no longer get a reward for this, they will either come around OR find a new feud to fuel them.

 

Sorry, I see that is unclear. The person that likes to lecture would be my cousin M's father. Basically, her best friends husband was saying that her dad likes to lecture a lot and he could understand why i wouldn't want to stay at their place. Somehow, it got it turned into MY husband saying that- which is not true.

 

I'm not sure that even matters now as much as I thought it did. I recently spoke to my good friend who was also at my wedding. She said my cousin had mentioned to her that she didn't like my husband but was only there to support me. This means that she didn't like my husband before she even "found out" about my husband supposedly speaking badly of her father.

 

To update you all further (in case anyone cares lol), I ended up calling M on her birthday a few days ago. I left a voicemail saying that its been a long time since we have spoken and I never imagined years would go by without us speaking. I told her the ball is in her court if she wants to have contact me or not. She called me back a few hours later. It was short conversation filled with small talk but I think the manner in which she spoke to me said a lot. She spoke to me in a very cold, almost annoyed manner. It was like she had all the power and I was just some lowly person she was obligated to talk to. I was happy that she called me back at least but it certainly wasn't a warm "I've missed you" type of welcome. We spoke vaguely about hanging out some time but she was very rushed so no concrete plans.

 

I am going to a party tomorrow that her father MIGHT be attending. If he is there, I've decided I will try to pull him aside and ask him about the situation. Don't worry guys, I won't make a scene or anything (I'm not that type of person)! My cousins won't be there. Its the only time I will see my uncle randomly like this so I see it as a sign/opportunity to talk to him.

[turnera]

Good for you for calling. And don't worry too much about her tone. If you continue to take the high road, whatever stick is up her butt might work its way out eventually and she may soften. And if she doesn't, YOU get to go through life knowing you did the right thing. And definitely talk to her dad. You never know what's really going on until you ask.

[Pastypop]

Is your marriage or your cousins more important to you? I've been dealing with rude, mean, and disrespectful in laws for years and it has greatly impacted my marriage. I finally got rid of them for good last week after they told my kids I was a crazy and horrible person. My son went off on them and they punished him so out they finally went.

 

You are married now and need focus on the marriage and not your cousins. They will never accept your husband. Just let them go and move on. If you try to extrnd an olive branch they will just cause more drama in your marriage. When family members hate the spouse it never works itself out or gets better. It just best to go no contact forever. I have 25 years of experience with the sort of thing.