d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Long story . . .sorry in advance. For her upcoming "big" birthday DH & I decided to surprise his mom by flying her plus SIL & her husband & BIL & his GF to our house for Thanksgiving as a surprise for the mom / my MIL. DH's family is spread throughout the country. They haven't had any holiday's together with all of them & the mom in 20+ years. We are paying for everything. It should simply be a nice gesture but a wrinkle has arisen. BIL's GF dumped him over the summer. According to FB (which shouldn't be a guide to anything but it's all I have), BIL says they are back in a relationship. GF's page still lists her as single, which is what she changed it to when they broke up. They post tons of pictures of them together just like before this break up. However, while they were apart I learned that every few months she kicks him out of their apartment which is in her name only & he couch surfs for a while until she takes him back. On some levels I don't blame her because he is financially irresponsible & I can understand why she doesn't want to live with a guy who don't contribute to the household finances. Although the initial invitation included her and I had spoken to her about the trip before the break up, DH is adamant that he no longer wants to spring for the GF's ticket. He's afraid she'll dump his brother again & we'll get stuck with the ticket. I told him that was kind of rude since we originally included her. He said fine, we will reimburse her when she gets here so we know she used the ticket. Odds are she can't even afford to float a plane ticket on her CC until we give her the money at the end of November. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call her. I think DH should call his brother & it's not my place to do so. I'm still OK with buying her the ticket but I'll be furious if she dumps him again & it goes unused. If we buy it I'll probably get the cancel for any reason travel insurance so I'm only out a few bucks not the cost of a ticket at Thanksgiving (the most expensive time to fly) When we all went to California 1.5 years ago to visit DH's dad, my FIL, this GF dithered & jerked everybody around about whether she was coming that my FIL who purchased the tickets for BIL & the GF ended up spending almost $500 more for the two tickets. I thought that was sooooooo rude. I don't want a repeat of that financial fiasco. So LS, what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Long story short: Since she broke up with BIL & they "sort of" got back together to DH & I still have to honor our prior offer to buy BIL's GF(?) a plane ticket to our house for Thanksgiving? We made the offer when we thought they were going to get engaged. We don't want to buy the ticket & then have her dump him again so we end up losing the $$. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Lovely. This has been planned for 18 months. Now I'm being told that BIL & his GF might have to work. This guy hasn't had a meaningful job in 7 years & now he gets one. Ugh. I'm even more frustrated because the GF is texting this to my SIL on the west coast. She needs to be talk to me! What happened to telling new employers you already have travel plans? These people make me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 That indeed does sound like a conundrum. may i offer an-alternative suggestion. Since you are hosting this, and going so far as to pay the travel. Treat it as a business etiquette. Get confirmed attendence. Should any of them be less then adult in their committment to come, then re-imbursement may be in order. As the host , you do have some say in proper communication from the guest. Consider them accountable for properly relaying their affirming or declining. This makes them take on the responsibilty of a gracious guest. I sincerely do get the frustration conveyed. Sorry that your kindness is not being properly reciprocated. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Offer reimbursement, to be paid to them after the fact. You don't have to get into 'why' of it when you offer. If you're going to pay for it ultimately, they don't have much to complain about. And I agree with you: it's on DH to work this out with his brother. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 This guy hasn't had a meaningful job in 7 years & now he gets one. Ugh. Ugh, so frustrating. All the more reason to NOT pay upfront IMO. From the sound of it, you're being more than gracious to offer to take on some costs already. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It's your husband's family, so I would defer to what he wants to do. If he no longer wants to pay for the girlfriend's ticket due to the uncertainty, then don't do it. And I don't see why you can't be frank with them about the reason why given the uncertainty in their relationship and her previous dealings with your FIL. The new job thing is so frustrating, though. But again, I'd let your husband deal with it. It's his brother. And you can explain to your MIL about your offer and why they aren't there. I suspect she's used to it by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 DH is seemingly unaffected. I burst into tears yesterday & then morphed into angry. DH simply stared at me. I explained that I had been busting my ass for 18 months to make this a reality & if he didn't care enough to be upset, I was done. I told him I was buying his mom's ticket this week but nobody else's. If they show up, fine. At that point they can be reimbursed up to the costs of mom's ticket. By the time they get their acts together if they even come thanksgiving tickets will be very expensive & I'm not paying last minute prices for them. We're not made of money. This is his family. If he can't be bothered to give a s**t, why should I care? I really feel bad about the other people involved. SIL & 2 cousins are turning 40 this year. Because SIL is going to be here, one of the cousins decided to host a big birthday party for all 3 of them. Everyone was so excited that SIL & BIL were going to be here, other extended family members decided to fly in from Texas, Florida and Boston for this because they hadn't all been together for 20+ years. At the last minute BIL bailed on our wedding & left DH without a best man so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that he's repeating that pattern. The "job" he can't leave is actually 4 jobs -- 1 night per week he tends 4 different bars. Especially at the holidays it's very easy to get somebody to cover 1 bar shift. So his stated reason for not coming reads like a lie to me. I have to stop caring because it seems no one else does. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I have to stop caring because it seems no one else does. Yeah, you can't borrow other folks troubles if they can't be bothered. Frustrating, though. I commiserate. Link to post Share on other sites
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