Parents and expectations?

[QueenDeath]

Over talking to a few friends and being a part of this forum called ex-christian, those that left the faith and went over to some other religion. First I would love to point out that this really has nothing to do with religion or anything of the matter. I just met those that seemed to have been in the same situation I am in through a forum.

 

Why is it that some parents in general seem to already have these expectations and dreams for their kids before they are already born? or even after. The expectations that their son is going to be with a woman, basically being straight and the same expectation for daughters as well that they are straight. Why do I use the term expectation? it's because when one comes out there's this shock and denial of "no, you can't be bisexual/gay/lesbian/asexual" or whatever.

 

There's those that are in there mid/late 20s and they get the questions "when are you gonna get a lady/man and marry?" the expectations of marriage and as soon as someone is married, there's that expectations of when is the baby coming?

 

Why do families have these expectations?

 

Also, why is it that sometimes parents ( in general ) put their dreams on their kids shoulders? I do understand when a parent had a dream they didn't fulfill it and some regret it and some would tell their children if they don't do this certain dream that they had, they would regret it later on in life.

 

Like with my mother, keeps talking about having a family *I'm 20 yrs old and the only child and I love being the only child* kids aren't for everyone and lately I've been thinking if I really want kids + I'm 20 years old, I have my whole life ahead of me to actually reach a point when I want to settle down.

 

So yes, those are my questions, why do parents have these expectations of what their kids should be like, should do and why do parents try to live their dreams through their children?

[nescafe1982]

Parents mean well and want the best things in life for their kids.

 

But like every human being, they define what constitutes 'the best things in life' variously.

 

Often, these definitions differ from those desired by their children. The children grow up, chart their own course, and run afoul of their parents' expectations for them.

 

But: it's important to note that usually, these expectations come from a place of love. Even if they are serious misguided.

[kenji_t]

Parents think they know what's best for their kids and want them to follow said path. Basically it's that.

 

My mother wanted me to become a doctor, I never wanted this.

She also wants grandkids, I don't like kids.

She thinks I should have married a woman with japanese ancestry, I fell in love with a beautiful western woman.

 

Parents imagine a whole life for their kids, and they are sure that the kids will be happy if he/she follows this path. But we are all individuals, and we'll not always want what our parents want for ourselves.

 

Guilt trips often come when those desires differ, and that can be really really really hard to cope, depending on how much freedom of choice your parents gave you.

 

I'm in my 30's and even today I find it difficult to deal with my mother's guilt trips.

Edited September 4, 2015 by kenji_t
typo

[scooby-philly]

I agree with the first couple of posters.

 

Parents mean well but they're humans - prone to the same faults, mental traps, and narrow-mindedness as any other person.

 

Yes, if they force expectations onto their children or guilt trip them to act, think, or believe a certain way it's normally done out of a blind love.

 

Everyone has a different point of view. Parents want their children to be happy - but normally that means passing on their own viewpoints and understanding both consciously and sub-consciously.

 

I was engaged to a woman who was the youngest, with the oldest being a severely autistic son. By the time this woman was an adult (I met her when she was 32) it was clear, between the son and her older sister, the parents didn't really give her much time or attention as a child. Add to that that they were both pretty conservative (not religiously per se, but in terms of overall expectations - very old fashioned) and it meant there was a always a tinge of remorse on her part that she didn't get the love and attention she needed.

 

Likewise, my parents were busy with their own stuff to really invest time and understanding in my life. It forced me to make choices I didn't want to make and to feel like I had to rely on myself. When I started to undo those choices and also asking for help and opening up (which I still need to continue to do) my life was able to start to change.

 

The hardest thing any of us will ever do is to forgive other people for being just like us - imperfect. Whether you do meditation, go to counseling, go to Church, informally talk with people - we all need outlets to help sort through what others do to us and...to reconcile our understanding of the world to reality.

 

If you haven't seen it - check out Jim Carey's commencement speech at a university in the last 2-3 years. Basically - his dad was as funny as him, but felt like he couldn't take the risk and took the safe "accounting" route. They almost became homeless when he was let go from his job.....which taught Jim that you can fail at what you don't want. Lesson of the day - forgive your parents, follow your dreams, and when/if you need to cry/scream/dance - do it!

[KittyKat67]

Parents think they know what's best for their kids and want them to follow said path. Basically it's that.

 

My mother wanted me to become a doctor, I never wanted this.

She also wants grandkids, I don't like kids.

She thinks I should have married a woman with japanese ancestry, I fell in love with a beautiful western woman.

 

Parents imagine a whole life for their kids, and they are sure that the kids will be happy if he/she follows this path. But we are all individuals, and we'll not always want what our parents want for ourselves.

 

Guilt trips often come when those desires differ, and that can be really really really hard to cope, depending on how much freedom of choice your parents gave you.

 

I'm in my 30's and even today I find it difficult to deal with my mother's guilt trips.

 

I am from the same culture as you, and believe me my parents are very old school. They still try and dominate me and control me to the point I was suicidal. I realize that at some point we have to get over it....its a journey..it takes work, it takes ALOT OF SELF LOVE...

[ASG]

Why is it that some parents in general seem to already have these expectations and dreams for their kids before they are already born? or even after. The expectations that their son is going to be with a woman, basically being straight and the same expectation for daughters as well that they are straight. Why do I use the term expectation? it's because when one comes out there's this shock and denial of "no, you can't be bisexual/gay/lesbian/asexual" or whatever.

 

There's those that are in there mid/late 20s and they get the questions "when are you gonna get a lady/man and marry?" the expectations of marriage and as soon as someone is married, there's that expectations of when is the baby coming?

 

Why do families have these expectations?

 

 

Other posters have made good points about the expectations of parents, but I'm only going tp address the gay and children part of it.

 

It may be socially accepted to be gay/bissexual/trans/whatever these days but the fact remains that those are the exception and not the rule. The human species is inherently straight. So it makes sense that people expect that to be the case with their children.

I would assume a child of mine to be straight until proven/told otherwise. Just like I assume a headache is the result of tiredness and not a brain tumour.

It's absolutely fine if they are not, but I would assume they were, purely because around 95% of the population is indeed straight.

 

Same with children. The majority of the population WANTS to have kids. So it's a fair assumption to make. Again, fine if that's not on the cards. But I would expect it to be their desire as well, until told otherwise.

[turnera]

Parents base their expectations on what THEY know, what THEY experienced, and the kind of life THEY had - religious or otherwise. I've never studied Buddhism, so I'd have a pretty hard time saying "Daughter, why aren't you doing blah blah blah"? (whatever she should be doing as a Buddhist)

 

And some people grow up with narrowmindedness thanks to their religion (or even from a LACK of having a religion).

 

NONE of it has anything to do with you - it's just what they know.

 

Part of becoming a true adult is learning to separate yourself from what your parents say, do, want, expect, and learning to do what makes YOU happy no matter WHAT your parents are saying. I will say that in my experience, it usually takes young adults until at LEAST age 30 before they can start feeling like a real adult and approaching their parents as equals. At LEAST.