A difficult situation

[spooky48]

I have a weird situation...I'm seriously seeking assistance:

 

 

One of my siblings has really put my parents through much grief. It all began when she was young. I'm in the oldest in my family, always "done the right thing", college, work, etc. I'm quiet, unmarried, studying for my MS now. My brother has a family & is a decent good person too, hard-worker. He & I have been very close.

 

 

Our sibling married a man 20 years older. My parents never even knew him yet, my sister had all of us at her wedding. It was very, very "strained". He was a divorcee with two teen daughters. His ex-wife remarried and lived moved to Hawaii with those two girls.

 

 

In 2011, my sister & her husband now with 4 children of their own, moved to Hawaii. She had a terrible time out there but, alas, my parents & myself sent her both money, care packages. The husband quit his job, they were living off of welfare and moved to SEVEN trashy apartments out there. It is NOT cheap to live there but, my poor parents felt sorry for them (AGAIN) & we sent them care packages, money. Even my poor Mom had her car taken care by Triple AA out there. The children never had stability & security.

 

 

Then, in 2012, after I paid yet, I paid for ALL of them to come back to NJ, she lied & said she was divorcing him & moved-in with a new man with the kids. Of course, my parents & myself bought them clothes, furniture & other items to live with him. My brother though, was pissed & washed his hands of her.

 

 

That December, she moved-out & back in with the separated husband. She then took several family members to court claiming horrible problems from the past. She even tried to put restraining orders on them however, the judge found she was lying & plus, the family members had a lawyer. The lawyer proved ALL of hers & her husbands problems. As it ended, all claims against the family were dismissed!

 

 

From that day on, our sister has not talked, contacted or communicated any part with my parents, myself or my brother. I've tried looking her up in Facebook but, I can't find her. My Aunts have too. As stated, my brother washed his hands of her. His wife wants nothing to do with her.

 

 

I was thinking...would this be crazy...to contact Dr. Phil or some other type of show because, I feel if I tried contacting her, she would put TROs on us. Every holiday that rolls around is depressing because we miss the children SO much.

 

 

My parents, my relatives, my brother & myself DO NOT DESERVE THIS. We DESERVE to see our grandchildren, niece & nephews. It is NOT fair. We have NO rights however, I live in fear, as my parents do because of her trying to put TROs on us again but, we did NOTHING. My Mom was ALWAYS home, raising us, my Dad ALWAYS working but, we had a great, terrific family life, NO ABUSE, NO alcohol, NO drugs, NO drama. We're church people.

 

 

Seriously, what should I do?

I pray about them all of the time, just to have them come back.

What are my rights?

Should I try contacting someone? Private detective?

I have a serious, good job & I don't want it jeopardized either.

 

 

Can anyone out here really help my parents, brother, relatives & me? Thanks in advance.

[turnera]

People like you who think you can change the character of your sibling or child if you just give them enough are not only WRONG, but you are HARMING that sibling by making their life easier so that they wait longer and longer before they have to FACE THEIR CONSEQUENCES - and thus LEARN.

 

If a kid steals a candy bar and his dad finds out and slaps his hand and says don't do that again, and another kid steals a candy bar and his dad finds out, takes him back to the store, makes him apologize and also work an hour to pay off the value of the candy bar...

 

which kid do you think will steal again? The one who got yelled at (which he just tunes out) or the one who had to face his consequences, look the store owner in the eyes and admit what he did?

 

It's time to back away and let her SUFFER HER OWN CONSEQUENCES.

 

MAYBE she'll go through enough hard knocks on her own that she'll start growing up and MAYBE become a decent person who you can then associate with. But until then, anything else that YOU do is wrong and harmful.

[spooky48]

I just want to know....this pain upon not seeing these children is real.

 

What can I do to help my parents?

 

How can we not live in fear because of possibly filing TROs?

 

How can I bring all of my family and relatives together telling her to stop using her children as pawns?

[nescafe1982]

You can't do much of anything, sadly.

 

All you can do is wait and hope that at some point in the future, they get themselves together and contact you. Or that the kids do when they grow up.

 

You can't force a relationship on someone who doesn't want it. Even if they are family.

 

My advice? Process your very-legitimate and doubtlessly painful feelings of loss. Stay close with your other relatives. And wait. Don't pursue your sibling. And for God's sake, don't alert the media!

[turnera]

You can't. The best outcome I've seen in such a situation, if what you're really saying is that the family wants to see the grandkids, is to bribe her to get to see them. SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE. She's not an addict; intervention won't change WHO SHE IS.

 

The only woman like her I've ever seen change did so because she went in and out of jail for drugs (and using people) so many times that she lost TWO sets of kids to their fathers, legally, and gave up her last kid to my friend, her sister. Finally, 20 years later and 15 years of prison, she came out more mature and less of a loser - but ONLY because she'd had to face her consequences.

[spooky48]

Thank you both for your suggestions and advice as I do see a prominent pattern here. I will keep helping my parents, relatives and brother (with his family). Yet, I will keep living my own life (hopefully finding a terrific man soon) and especially praying for their health, welfare and sanity. I hope in the near future they will come back into our family because we always welcome them with open arms despite the horrible past circumstances she's put us all through. Thanks.