I just miss my mom.

[Evolution man]

My parents had an affair twenty-six years ago. My mom was in her early twenties and my dad was forty-five. I was born and my dad stayed with his wife while I went with my mom. She partied a lot and according to one of my sisters did a lot of drugs. She was more my friend than my mom. She always wanted to play with me and have fun. There were rules when I was with her, but they weren't important, and when I went to my dad's it was obvious I was not wanted. Now that I'm older I realize that was understandable. My dad's wife was always upset and crying, obviously because her husband was a scumbag. I can remember him going into my mom's and her crying after he left. I know now that they were still sleeping together, but I didn't understand at the time. My mom wasn't the best parent but I know that she loved me. When I was seven she was in a bad car accident. I wanted to go to the hospital and see her, but my dad wouldn't take me. He and his wife left me with my oldest sister an went to the hospital. My mom died the next day, and I went to live with my dad.

 

When I moved in with my dad and his family life got better. My dad's wife is like my mom now and I love my siblings. My dad's wife seemed to become more interested in me after my mom died. She is probably one of my best friends now. She is a very sweet lady and I love her. I call her mom because I felt weird not having a mom of my own. My dad is still a dick but not as bad as he use to be. The other day, my mom started saying bad things about my real mom. She was talking to my aunt about my biological mom being a home wrecker and that she was responsible for ruining their marriage. I wanted to remind her it takes two to have an affair and my dad was his own person.

 

I think about my real mom a lot and I always wonder what my life with her would have been like. There's no one I can talk about that with and it makes me want to cry. I don't feel like she was a bad person. I just think she was lost and young. I miss her and I don't feel like anyone understands that. I don't know much of anything about her and it hurts me inside.

 

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

[anika99]

Feelings cannot be wrong or right, they just are. No you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. You probably bonded with your mom when you were little and her absence has left a void in your life. You need to be able to talk about her without getting negative feedback. It's important for everyone to be able to talk freely and affectionately about the their lost loved ones.

 

 

I don't think your mom was a bad person. She was very young and misguided and probably led down a bad path by your father. He was older and more worldly than your mom and by the sounds of it he took advantage of her youth and naivety. Although your mom participated in the affair, in my opinion your father was the worst offender because he was the one who was married and he had no business messing around with a young single woman.

 

 

I'm glad to hear that your stepmom treats you well and that you have been able to forge a good relationship with her but obviously she is not the person to talk to about your mom. She will always see your mom as someone who attempted to destroy her marriage. Her feelings aren't wrong either but she should have been more careful about not letting you overhear her saying negative things about your mom.

 

 

You do need someone to talk to about your mom. Maybe someone who can tell you all the good things about her and who can remember how much she loved you as I'm sure she must have loved you very much. Didn't you keep any kind of relationship with family on your mom's side? Where are her parents, siblings and extended family? They would probably be the best people to share with unless they are too messed up by dysfunction. If you can't find anyone to talk to then consider talking to a counsellor about your feelings. Most importantly remember how much your mom loved you and know that she would have never in a million years chosen to leave you. Life is cruel sometimes but you were probably the one bright light in your mom's life. I'm sure she adored you.

[Evolution man]

My real mom was good to me. I think you're right she did adore me. We had a lot of fun together. I can still remember what she smelled like. I think my dad messed with her head and that's why she was the way she was.

 

I have a bit of interaction with my real mom's family. They moved after she died and I would spend part of my summers with them, but I don't think my dad liked them and limited our contact so I don't know them too well.

[Evolution man]

I also think I've been feeling some resentment towards my dad because he wouldn't let me go see her while she was dying. Being a grown man I know it was the right thing to do, but I just feel like I have been kept in the dark. I can remember wanting her so bad and not having her around. It always hurt.

[Evolution man]

Last night I walked into my parents house and they were watching a movie. I've seen before and there's a character that's a laid back stoner. My dad asked me if they reminded me of anyone. I said no and he said it was a shame because they reminded him of my biological mom. Even the way they were driving did.

 

Then my mom got his arm of her and just said "great" like she was annoyed. I left the room and when I came back they were fighting over it. To me it was stupid. Fighting over a dead girl is dumb it's not like she's going to come back from the dead. I feel so angry at all of them, my dad for bringing her up, my mom for throwing a fit and really, her for dying...

[Snakechammah]

I know it may seem like doom and gloom for you now, and I am really sorry that you are missing your mom.

 

However, I think you are very, very lucky.

 

Most children born out of affairs would normally be shunned by the man's wife. I think you're extremely lucky that your dad's wife embraced you, loved you and took good care of you.

 

It must be really painful for her, despite what your mother did, and seeing you everyday as a result of that, and as a reminder of her pain, and yet, despite all her resentments inside, she took care of you until you're an adult now.

 

I think it's time to appreciate her. I know you miss your mom and you feel lonely. I guess as a man/boy, you won't know how to fully appreciate the pain a woman feels of a man's betrayal. And yet, her maternal instincts kicked in as soon as you were in need when your mother passed.

 

She deserves more gratitude for all that she has gone through. I hope someday you will learn to be grateful for the life presented to you. Imagine what the others go through, unloved and unwanted by BOTH families. Your dad's wife brought you under her wings and you were accepted by your other siblings.

 

It is truly a lucky life you lead. Please appreciate that.

[Gunny376]

Feelings as said and stated aren't necessarily right or wrong ~ they just are? And while they don't have to be necessarily justified one way or the other? They do HAVE to recognized and validated. To do so otherwise does more harm than good, and they can transcend the decades of miscommunications, misunderstanding, misperceptions, etc..

 

With that said, I myself am estranged, primarily because of parenteral alienation from my own biological daughter and son.

 

They're adults, the daughter 35 and the son 30.

 

I will NEVER allow them back them back into my Life, nor will I ever again acknowledge them as my children, my daughter, my son, nor as a member of my family. They are DEAD to me, as I am to them. I will never forgive them, nor forget that which they've said and done at the behest of their narcissistic mother.

 

Just because my name is on their birth certificate, doesn't mean they can speak to me, nor treat me as though I'm something they've scrapped off of the bottom of their shoes after a walk through the doggie park.

 

I've no claim to being the Father of the Year award, far from it, but in the same breath, I'm far, far, far from being the Worse Father of the year. I didn't the best of Mother and Father, nor family, but it wasn't the worse. I NEVER turned my back, nor turned away from my own Mother and Father, even though my Dad did some seriously screwed up stuff to my Mom, and during their marriage.

 

I wasn't the best of Dad's ~ but like most Dad's I did and was the best that I knew how to be at the time. Per the experience and hind sight being what it is? Had I known 40 years ago what I know now? I could have and would have been a better one than I had been?

 

Life is what happens to you when you make other plans, and the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

 

Your NOT wrong for having feelings of affection, love, admiration, devotion for your Mom, the woman who bore you and gave birth to you ~ were it not for her? You wouldn't be her.

[Evolution man]

It's not that I don't appreciate my mom. I do, more than she could ever understand. I know it must have been difficult for her. I think she is a saint! I adore her. every Mother's Day and birthday I send her a card and roses, which is more than my brother does. Hell sometimes I wish I could take care of her and that he'd just leave.

 

However, both these people were like fifty when this girl in her twenties died. Now their late sixties and early seventies, they should both realize it wasn't exclusively her fault. It was obvious she thought he loved her and he should be the real issue!

 

I guess a lot of my hurt is about being kept in the dark. I know next to nothing about the affair, I remember almost nothing about her, and I haven't ever been told anything about her death. I don't know what happened at the hospital, how she died, or why they kept me. Maybe if I did this wouldn't be so hard.

[Evolution man]

My sister just found out her husband is cheating on her. She told us all on Friday. The fist thing my mom said was "you better hope she's not pregnant, because then she'll never go away. Even if something happens to her you'll deal with her for the rest of your life" When my sister responded that she wasn't my dad said "yeah, at least not yet. *my mom's name* wasn't either."

 

I started shaking because I was so mad. I got my stuff and left without saying goodbye. I cried the whole way home, and I haven't responded to their texts or calls either. That really hurt my feelings... I get that wasn't born under the best circumstances, but my mother doesn't need to be talked about like that.

[minimariah]

sweetheart, i'm sorry.

 

 

your stepmother & her family owe you that respect to respect your mother and not talk about her in a negative way in front of you.

 

sending you hugs.

[Evolution man]

I can't help but wonder if those are just her real feelings about me. I understand not wanting your husband to get someone else pregnant and for that girl to die so you have to raise it, but Jesus, why keep me then? Why introduce me as your son? Why go out with me and tell me you love me if you don't mean it? I just think that's cruel.

 

That and I'm tired of her getting ragged on constantly. I mean she's dead. Leave her alone...

[Protec]

I miss my mom too. She died when i was 21 yrs. old. She never saw me with a girl

[turnera]

What a horrible way to treat you. I know your dad's wife is hurt (and no, the pain of infidelity doesn't go away), but that's no excuse for treating YOU like that.

 

If I were you, I'd wash my hands of them and go on and live your life without them.

[Evolution man]

My dad came over today. I asked him why he had an affair with my mom. He said she was young and funny and he was unhappy with his wife. My bio-mom was her opposite and he was interested in that. She was the one who told him to go back home to his family. After that is when she found out about me.

[turnera]

Yeah, so SHE's the creep and not HIM.

 

Good to know.

 

I hope you told him you don't want anything to do with him anymore. He is toxic.

[Evolution man]

I'm scared to do that because their all I've got.... Without them I'm all alone. I'm thinking about asking him about when she died. He's kept me in the dark about that for years.

[turnera]

Well, there's no reason you shouldn't. Just realize that when you ask him, he will do what he always does, what he has always done - which is put himself first and burn anyone who stands in the way of that. I hope he proves me wrong.

 

IIWY, if I had to pick ONE of those two since you can't bear to be a lone, I'd pick his wife, since she at least was just a victim of him like you were. Her horrible actions were borne out of ignorance and pain. He has no excuse.

 

And I know many people who have no family, and they do just fine. They fill their lives with friends and accomplishments and volunteering and organizations they join to become part of a new kind of family. Consider that every time you interact with him, you beat YOURSELF up just a little bit more. It's a bit like being an abused spouse; eventually you have no soul left, no belief in yourself.

[Evolution man]

One of the gifts my dad got me was a rerelease of one my real mom's favorite albums. I've got her records, and I do have the original album, but I thought it was nice. We didn't say anything about it having to do with her though.

 

My mom left to go somewhere and I asked about when she died. The first thing he said was "oh buddy, she was hurting. I knew the second I saw her she was going to go." It made me sick. Then he told me he was talking to her about me when she died... I still don't know what to think about it. He said they kept me so he wouldn't miss out on my childhood, but I could tell he was lying. I think it was because of money. I didn't get anything until I was 18, but he didn't have to pay support anymore.

 

It made me feel trivial. I won't go back for awhile.

[turnera]

Every interaction is a piece of a puzzle. I wish I'd known more about my folks before they died. But it's probably best for you to stay away for a few years, til it doesn't hurt so much and you have more of your own life to fill your heart with.