How to Emotionally Handle Father That Won't Speak to Me

[TunaInTheBrine]

I recently began attempting to repair several broken relationships with family members.

 

After my mother passed away unexpectedly over 10 years ago, everyone has been at varying distances with each other. I especially had difficulty with my father and sister, who I was angry with for issues related to maltreatment, the divorce, and being a bystander to the abuse I incurred from my mother.

 

As I've become older and gained some distance from my family, I feel I no longer have any reason to bear grudges or be angry. Yes, what happened hurt, but that doesn't mean I have to keep hurting each day over it. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and decided it was time to reach out. Life is short. I actually met with an uncle and aunt last week and it was wonderful.

 

I decided to try and contact my father next. I sent him a text on father's day, just saying that I hope he had a good day and I'll be in touch with him soon (sort of as a way to prepare him for a phone call). I waited a few days and tried calling, and I left him a voicemail. I have not heard anything back since, and I worry he might not call back. He has a history of being distant from family too, and has admitted in the past to never wanting to have had the responsibilities of a father. As a child, he told me the divorce was over me. Although I was the one who initiated this current cutoff a few years ago, I think a parent should respond to their children's attempts to establish contact. I feel like I'm being punished as per usual, even though I'm an adult.

 

I don't want to be angry with him for not returning my contact and am wondering what advice or similar experiences people might have that they can share with me.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Grumpybutfun]

Sometimes people can shield themselves from further hurt by becoming more introverted. Your father was probably hurt when you went NC and now he just wants to live without pain, which is what he may think of when he thinks of you. Regardless, you did your part by reaching out and now the ball is in his court. The only thing you can do is accept that he may not want a relationship with you and be ok with it, or live in doubt and sadness by waiting for him to call. Any man that would tell his daughter she was the reason for his divorce isn't going to have the emotional fortitude or healthiness to overcome his rejection from you so easily. You may have dodged a negativity bullet.

Best to you,

Grumps

[whichwayisup]

You tried and in your own way by contacting him, you've given yourself peace and forgiveness. He may not reach out to you and even though you feel he should, he may still have pain, anger, resentments that are too deep to let go of. If he is still distant from others in your family chances are he has no interest in changing his ways.

[preraph]

He sounds very immature. I wonder if he has alcohol issues or something that enables him to just bury his head in the sand. Anyway, since he simply doesn't have enough decency to be a father, you must discount anything he said about the divorce or about you. If a divorce is ever about a kid, it's not really about the kid. It's about one parent or the other being willing to step up to the plate and help raise the kids or it's about two people can't agree on discipline or that sort of thing. Bottom line, it's about those two people or at least one of the two being dysfunctional and not about the kid. That was grownup business you had no hand in.

 

Sorry you had crap parents. I can only advise that my friends who found happiness after being either abused or abandoned in some way found it by giving themselves the things they need, pampering themselves, loving themselves enough not to accept anyone who resembled their parents or anyone who treated them badly. People usually get worse instead of better as they age. It's really up to your dad to reach out if he ever grows a heart.

 

Good luck.

[TunaInTheBrine]

He sounds very immature. I wonder if he has alcohol issues or something that enables him to just bury his head in the sand. Anyway, since he simply doesn't have enough decency to be a father, you must discount anything he said about the divorce or about you. If a divorce is ever about a kid, it's not really about the kid. It's about one parent or the other being willing to step up to the plate and help raise the kids or it's about two people can't agree on discipline or that sort of thing. Bottom line, it's about those two people or at least one of the two being dysfunctional and not about the kid. That was grownup business you had no hand in.

 

Sorry you had crap parents. I can only advise that my friends who found happiness after being either abused or abandoned in some way found it by giving themselves the things they need, pampering themselves, loving themselves enough not to accept anyone who resembled their parents or anyone who treated them badly. People usually get worse instead of better as they age. It's really up to your dad to reach out if he ever grows a heart.

 

Good luck.

 

No alcohol or substance abuse problems on his end (though my mother was a serious alcoholic). He's really not a bad guy, just a bad father. As far back as my early twenties, I recall other family members saying I had far surpassed him in terms of emotional maturity and insight. He is not enough of a grownup to handle being a father. Even my sister acts more like his mother than his daughter. This is a big reason why we had a falling out (i.e. his inability to be a father). I'm not so hard on the guy these days. I do love him, miss him, and am at a point in my life where I would like for us to make peace. I no longer 'need' a father. I can parent myself quite well. But if he never accepts my attempts at reaching out, it's going to be such a shame. I've done my healing. I hope he can do the same before it is his time to go.

[Tayla]

"tis true, the ball is in his court.

Pat yourself for doing the right thing. You are laying the foundation for a new part of your life. We never know who is going to go first in this world.....seen kids go before their parents...He needs to understand that too.... Time is precious and road blocks are abound, the trick is to find ways to come to a diplomatic agreement as adults.

We each have our shortcomings...and our strengths. May he find strength and embrace this olive branch you are conveying.