For 10 years, my father has been distant and cold towards me

[AshleighR97]

There were times that if I were to come kind of late (but not so much), either he's absent-minded, asleep in his room or I'm home alone (he goes out at times).

 

My mother passed away 10 years ago and shortly after her death (I'm now 18 and will be soon enrolling in college), he suddenly stopped showing affection, participating in my activities and school life, and well started yelling and no long was his former self ever again (the very first time I got yelled at loudly, it scared me and I was shocked). He was no longer the one I would look up to and trust.

 

Now since it's been so long, I gotten use to it. I'm not sure if it's even worth trying to even surprise him on father's day. I don't think he even cares too much about my graduation day or about my life in general. I say this because he doesn't even know I'm with my 2nd boyfriend. I'm planning to move out anyways.. plus during an argument he's did said I'm old enough to move out. He acts like he doesn't care about me.

[AshleighR97]

It's like I were with a distant stranger basically. We barely talk if we're at the table eating lunch or dinner. Till last year, I tried surprising him on Father's day and all I got was a simple thank you and he treated it like a normal day (like he didn't care at all).

Edited May 26, 2015 by AshleighR97

[GorillaTheater]

I'm very sorry, Ashleigh. You've lost your mom and it sounds like you've effectively lost your dad, too. That's a hell of a burden for you to carry.

 

I think your dad checked out after the death of your mom. From what you describe, it sounds like he's been in a deep depression since then. It doesn't help your situation, but I'd suspect he treats everyone the way he treats you.

 

There's really nothing you can do. He could seek help for his depression or whatever mental issue he has, but he has to make that choice for himself. After you're gone, he may well realize what he's done to hurt of kill his relationship with you and try to make up for it. If so, you may well have too much resentment (legitimate) to let him try.

 

Again, I'm very sorry for what you've gone through.

[AshleighR97]

You're correct in that he's been like this with others too. At the time, my relatives were also surprised at his change. He tried going out on a date two years ago but ended it shortly and has been dateless again. He doesn't even care about dating either.

 

In way yes, it feels like I've lost both of my parents. I lost my mother and emotionally lost my father. It doesn't help that I somewhat resembled my mother too.

Edited May 26, 2015 by AshleighR97

[GorillaTheater]

The only consolation I can offer, and it isn't much, is that your father likely did the best he could with you given the limitations he was operating under.

 

I've had to forgive my parents for much the same. They screwed up, but they were probably doing the best that they could. They are who they are, and forgiving them sure made my load a lot lighter.