Am I awful for not calling my mother on Mother's Day?

[Woggle]

This will be the third year I ignore her and I have't had any contact with her in longer than that and as messed up as it sounds I still feel guilty. What kind of man cuts off his mother? Every time I talk to her I get all worked up and hateful towards women in general and I realize what a toxic influence she is. It is no coincidence that ever since I cut off contact I have had no major freakouts but the guy at a local convenience store I have gotten to know who doesn't know my situation asked me what I was doing for her today and I felt like crap when I told him it was complex. I bought my mother in law a gift and contributed half to taking her out but not my own mother.

[darkmoon]

if she was anything like mine, no, just leave it

 

i like the it's complex response, ppl tend to dispute the idea of a bad mother, unless they have had one too, so it is not an easy convo

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I disowned my mother over 2 years ago & don't feel a bit bad about it. Some actions negate all forms of parental privilege.

[Gloria25]

I didn't call my father for his birthday...he died a few days later.

 

One of my relatives even called me before he died and told me they bought him a cake and all that and I was like **pfffttt**

 

I feel bad that, he died without me even speaking to him. We hugged like a year or so ago when I went back home. He was like standing there and it was just awkward to like diss him in person.

 

It's hard you know...

 

You want to show compassion and what's so hard in just picking up the phone, saying "hi" and "bye"?

 

But like my fav podcaster said, some parents ripped up their "parent card"...

 

Sorry that you are in this situation, I understand how hard this must be for you.

 

P.S. Funny how no matter how terrible and/or absent a parent can be/is (even in adoption/abandonment situations) we always want the love of our parents - even into adulthood. Can you believe I wanted to show him my new vehicle and he died before I could even try to speak to him again?

[kenmore]

Nobody can judge you Woggle, nobody knows your situation. Is it awful? Depends.

 

To me, the bigger issue is your own guilt you mentioned. There is some part of you that feels badly and you should probably address that sometime. Maybe you want to before she dies.

 

There are good and bad parents, children, spouses and neighbors, and we all form our lives around how they treat us and what we're willing to put up with or whether or not we like it. You drew the line and it's your line.

 

By now I'm assuming the day passed and you did not speak to her. I feel the opposite, I'm glad I did NOT spend the day with my mother-in-law. I always loved her like my own parent and expressed that in my actions, and I have it on pretty good information that she dissed me to my wife and that triggered the whole divorce. If that's so, I hope I never see her again! Fortunately it looks like I'll get my wish.

 

Ken

[Toodaloo]

Woggle

 

My first thought was yes that is a really crap thing to do.

 

Then I read your post.

 

I don't know what happened between you and your mother but I have learnt that sometimes its best to let them "do what they do" and you "do what you do" and leave it there.

 

So no. Your not bad/ awful or any other negative words you wish to use. You just recognize that it would be bad for you both to have contact with each other. You still thought of her. The "guilt" bit shows that you do not wish harm on her.

 

Sleep well tonight. You can still look at yourself in the mirror.

[madjac74]

but the guy at a local convenience store I have gotten to know who doesn't know my situation asked me what I was doing for her today and I felt like crap when I told him it was complex.

 

You can bond with the convenience store clerk but not the person that brought you into the world?

[d0nnivain]

Failing to call because it was inconvenient, would be a problem.

 

Choosing not to call because she's a toxic person & your mental health improves without her in your life is an act of self preservation.

 

Just make sure you will be OK with that decision if she drops dead next week.

[gaius]

I can't even remember the last time I called or sent anything. I mean I remember it, but it was so long ago I don't remember when.

 

And I don't feel one iota of guilt.

[Got it]

Woggle, no, in your situation for your own personal health and well being reaching out to her would have caused more heart ache and anxiety. You have walked a very long road getting to this place and it seems to be the healthiest for you and your wife/marriage. I think that says a lot.

[thefooloftheyear]

In all my years, I have only known one woman that I would truly consider to be a "bad" mother,,,...But to be fair, just like the OP's situation, I don't claim I know all conditions, either...

 

Speaking for myself. I would sooner try to resolve issues than completely write off family...I even made peace with my father, who had passed on years ago, but we worked our issues out and it was far better than just to hold those grudges..I have a great and loving relationship with my mom and the thought that I wouldn't be there for her is inconceivable...She isn't/wasn't perfect and neither are we...

 

I've learned that sometimes people think they are doing what is in the best interests of their children, but because they lacked the tools, they "failed"...So, is it right then to write them off for life? I dunno...That depends, I suppose...

 

TFY

[salparadise]

I understand how you could need to terminate communication to separate yourself from a toxic relationship with your mother. The last woman I dated was estranged from her mother, although she had made several overtures that went unanswered. I was lucky in that I had a wonderful mother, so I can't fully feel what you feel. My mother has been gone 20 years this mother's day, and what I wouldn't give to be able to give her a call, take her out to lunch, or just say ILU Mom one more time.

 

Here is my take, even though I can't be in your shoes... separate the need to not allow her to disrupt your life any further from any feelings of resentment or however you would describe your feelings, and try to let those go with the understanding that she is an imperfect person who has made mistakes, probably damaged emotionally herself, unable to give you what you need... but still your mother and the only person who will ever be that to you. Letting it go is as much for you as for her anyway. It's just better to let it go if you can.

 

If you can't have a conversation then send a card or flowers. If you can't bring yourself to acknowledge her in any way whatsoever, then it truly is beyond my understanding. I just know it must be hard for you both.

[Taramere]

This will be the third year I ignore her and I have't had any contact with her in longer than that and as messed up as it sounds I still feel guilty. What kind of man cuts off his mother? Every time I talk to her I get all worked up and hateful towards women in general and I realize what a toxic influence she is. It is no coincidence that ever since I cut off contact I have had no major freakouts but the guy at a local convenience store I have gotten to know who doesn't know my situation asked me what I was doing for her today and I felt like crap when I told him it was complex. I bought my mother in law a gift and contributed half to taking her out but not my own mother.

 

Those of us who are long term posters are very well acquainted with the backstory regarding your mother, and the terrible impact that any sort of contact with her has on you.

 

I honestly never thought you'd tackle your issues successfully. To me, you were a poster to just be given up on...and that was after several years of you posting here. Yet in the last few years, you're like a different person. No doubt you still struggle, here and there, but nonetheless the huge improvement in your emotional health is unmistakeable.

 

What can one conclude, really, other than that this immense improvement in your psychological wellbeing and the fact that you stopped having any contact with your mother a few years ago are closely connected? You have nothing to feel guilty for. Don't allow the perceptions of acquaintances who aren't well versed with your situation to put you on the kind of guilt trip that will lead you back down a very toxic road.

[Woggle]

I know it is good not to call her. That day is the one day out of the year I sort of get down about not having the close relationship with my mother so many other people seem to have.

[beach]

Considering her history - it's best not to contact at all.

[TunaCat]

If contacting her affects your physical & mental health, then absolutely you did the right thing. Not everyone has a loving mother.

 

I have no contact with my biological father and haven't seen or spoken to him since I was an infant. He has been in and out of jail & rehab my entire life and I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with a guy who would choose drugs & alcohol over his own child.

[MuddyFootprints]

No, you are not awful. It sounds as though it's Mom's turn to reach out and try to make amends.

 

You were definitely in her thoughts yesterday, too.

[Woggle]

No, you are not awful. It sounds as though it's Mom's turn to reach out and try to make amends.

 

You were definitely in her thoughts yesterday, too.

 

Probably but not in any positive way. She says that one day she took a crap and walking and talking piece of sh--t came out.

[beach]

Probably but not in any positive way. She says that one day she took a crap and walking and talking piece of sh--t came out.

 

 

 

And this is why you do not need to ever have contact with her again.

 

 

Find other women to be a Mother role model - celebrate them on Mother's Day.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know it is good not to call her. That day is the one day out of the year I sort of get down about not having the close relationship with my mother so many other people seem to have.

 

There's a difference between the "ideal structure" and reality.

 

In the ideal place we would all "call our mothers on Mother's Day because we love them and they love us" etc etc etc.

 

No matter how old we get, we always wish we had "that relationship" with our mother and/or father.

 

I really really hear you. My father used to let me know how much of an inconvenience I was, to put it lightly. I was also shown many times where he would bury me. Good times.

 

I am turning 33 this year. I wish I could just call my Dad and ask for advice. Or, you know, if I was in a domestically abusive relationship, that I could turn to my parents for help instead of realizing that that would be the equivalent of being in an domestically abusive relationship AND poking myself in the eye with glass.

 

Luckily, my church helped me out. Without me asking much actually.

 

But because we are so conditioned by society at large (who doesn't tend to 'get it' because, ya know, those people were wanted by their parents. Or at least tolerated. ) and by our parents who had whatever unmet needs that they put onto us. (Usually validation of some kind) It is really hard not to hear that guilting voice.

 

In fact, when you say to yourself, "what kind of man doesn't call his mother on Mother's Day?" Exactly who is that talking. Who's expectation is that? It really doesn't sound like it jives with your reality at all.

 

It sounds like it jives with society's general ideal expectation.

 

Well, my family doesn't fit that and neither does your. Don't forget that and cut yourself some slack.

 

Plus, your Mom disrespected your wife on top of everything. For that alone she can suck it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Probably but not in any positive way. She says that one day she took a crap and walking and talking piece of sh--t came out.

 

She dropped her personality? Is that what that means?

 

Because she sure talks a lot of ****.

[whichwayisup]

This will be the third year I ignore her and I have't had any contact with her in longer than that and as messed up as it sounds I still feel guilty. What kind of man cuts off his mother? Every time I talk to her I get all worked up and hateful towards women in general and I realize what a toxic influence she is. It is no coincidence that ever since I cut off contact I have had no major freakouts but the guy at a local convenience store I have gotten to know who doesn't know my situation asked me what I was doing for her today and I felt like crap when I told him it was complex. I bought my mother in law a gift and contributed half to taking her out but not my own mother.

 

Nope, not awful at all. You cut your toxic mother out of your life, so don't feel bad or guilty Woggle.

 

You had no choice, she was damaging you, messing you up.

 

See how your life is drama free now? You're at peace and in a good healthy place.

 

Don't ever second guess your decision to walk away from her. You did the right thing.

[Got it]

I know it is good not to call her. That day is the one day out of the year I sort of get down about not having the close relationship with my mother so many other people seem to have.

 

I think that makes perfect sense and it is a day to mourn for you more than celebrate. I think just reiterating to yourself it isn't your fault and it wasn't for a lack of trying. And I think trying to turn more to other maternal figures in your life to celebrate that maternal role. We all don't get what we should be entitled to, healthy family members, etc. But we have to play the hand we are dealt. And you are doing a great job at it.

[amaysngrace]

Tell whoever asks about her that she's dead. Tell them she died thee years ago.

 

When they say "Sorry" say thanks.

 

She may not be dead physically but she's dead to you. And that's perfectly understandable for you to feel that way.

 

I'm sorry that you still struggle with Mothers Day and it still triggers bad feelings inside of you. Hopefully next year will be a little easier.

[serial muse]

Just wanted to add my support and say chin up, Woggle. As one of those longtime posters Taramere mentioned, I fully agree - you seem to be doing well and I hope you stay on this path.