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My parents have just destroyed my life


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My life is really messed up at the moment, for a start I might just be dating my half brother and it gets worse from there if that’s possible.

 

I have so many questions that could fit into just about every category here so I guess this as good as any place to start.

 

I’ve grown up with the boy across the street, our parents were friends and naturally we just played together. He was my first kiss, my first sexual encounter and for the last 18 months we have been secretly seeing each other. I say secretly but it was really just a secret from our parents because for reasons we couldn’t figure out why they always tried to keep us apart.

 

Our parents found out through other people and now my whole world is completely ****ed up. I don’t even know what order to explain this in to make sense as there’s so much to tell.

 

Basically my parents and his parents were (are still?) swingers with each other. They sat us down and told us we couldn’t see each other after they found out as they really don’t know who is the biological father of each of us. Basically we may be unrelated or we may have the same dad. They chose at the time to not check and raise each as their own.

 

The first thing I want to do is get DNA tests but they are all against it for some rubbish reasons they made up that I really don’t care about. I want to be with my boyfriend and I just want to know if I can or whether I have been accidently ****ing my brother for the last 18 months.

 

It’s so messed up, my dad could be his dad and his could be mine or my dad could be both our dads and so on but no-one seems to want to know except us. And even my boyfriend is only following me I think, he still wants to continue sex because he says it doesn’t really matter unless I was pregnant. I just can’t get over that I have done EVERYTHING with a guy that might be my brother! It makes me sick, I nearly vomit just thinking about it. I hate my parents for this.

 

I don’t know what the laws are around DNA testing but my plan is to save enough money and get some hair from a brush or something and get it tested by myself if that’s even possible. Do you need the peoples permission to test?

 

I can’t look at my parents anymore. I’m angry they wont help me find out the truth and all I see in my head is his dad and my mom and I can’t believe mom would do that.

 

I don’t know what can be said to help, I don’t even know what the right questions to ask are. I would normally deal with things by talking to mom (and I almost told her I was seeing my bf) but I can never believe her again. I guess at least I know for sure that she is my mom. All I can do now is sit in my room and avoid everyone.

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I believe you have every right to know, and you have many valid reasons! This is all very important.

 

I agree with you, if I were in your shoes, I would not bow down to pressure from your par a more for more sx, until you have all the information you need to make an **informed** decision about how to proceed.

 

If there is a hair follicle test, I would do that first. If those don't work, I would keep making a case to your parents, and also put this in writing. If it comes to it, get an attorney.

 

Hopefully, the parents are just stuck in their old way of thinking they can cover this up forever, and now that they are faced with the idea that they can't, they just need a bit of time to process this.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this. Its not your fault and although it is outside the norm, many other things in life are as well, and you'll get through this one, too!

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Hopefully, the parents are just stuck in their old way of thinking they can cover this up forever,

 

They do just want to cover it up. My dad is a law enforcement officer and his dad runs one of the biggest employers in our town. Both our moms work in real estate. This getting out would hurt them a lot.

 

I want to threaten them that I will tell everyone about them being perverts with each other unless they allow the tests but if they come back that we are related I honestly don't think I want to keep quiet, they deserve to suffer through this, I have to.

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They do just want to cover it up. My dad is a law enforcement officer and his dad runs one of the biggest employers in our town. Both our moms work in real estate. This getting out would hurt them a lot.

 

I want to threaten them that I will tell everyone about them being perverts with each other unless they allow the tests but if they come back that we are related I honestly don't think I want to keep quiet, they deserve to suffer through this, I have to.

 

 

I understand your anger, I really do. But also I know the reality of how the world is, and with professions such as you listed it is highly unlikely these people will bend to any threats. In fact, it could go quite badly, as their need to protect their fake identity may over-ride fair treatment of you.

 

If you had said they are laid-back ex-hippies, or laid-back free-thinkers, etc, I would say they probably will see the error of lying to you, and allow the testing after they think about it.

 

Being in these other professions that give them power and control doesn't support them taking this viewpoint.

 

As I see it, the only way they will ever cooperate is if you can convince them that you will NOT retaliate, that you just want to know for your own well-being. This will be hard to convince them, since you DO want them to suffer consequences of their reckless behavior.

 

That means getting your own samples to test may be the best route for now. All you need is saliva from you and your boyfriend.

 

The attorney would come way down the line, after you are safely out of the house and living in a different state!

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That means getting your own samples to test may be the best route for now. All you need is saliva from you and your boyfriend.

 

The attorney would come way down the line, after you are safely out of the house and living in a different state!

 

Thanks for listening/talking. It seems no-one wants to listen to what I want at the moment.

 

The saliva will tell if we are related, yes? That would be a load off my mind if we were not. How much does that cost? I will have to work heaps to save the money I think. It wont tell who is my dad though but a good start.

 

I'd love to move out today, I wish I could. But I have nowhere to go without telling relatives why I am moving out. I can't go with my bf because he might be my brother. I'm stuck and I just have to suffer through it I guess.

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There are lots of dna testing websites out there. It looks like the range is $100-$400, depending on if its a home test or a legal test. Also, the paternity test is more accurate, but the sibling test can tell you what is "likely" to be the degree (if any) of relationship.

 

This is all information anyone can easily get from the internet.

 

In addition I am sure there are also forums on the internet ie: support groups, that deal with this specifically. You could talk to people who are experiencing the same thing? I have no doubt there are a lot out there.

 

IMO, until you are in a position to move out and stand on your own, I wouldn't make demands and threats. Its likely that there is an even large web of swinging going on, and others reputations at stake, not wanting to be accountable for their thoughtless, self-gratifying actions.

 

Although justified, the fall-out may not be worth the fight.

 

As for your bf, personally I would back way off until you get some clarity about all of this. I'm sure that despite his desires, he is aware of the validity of this.

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Methodical

I don't think your parents are trying to be mean or vindictive, they're just more concerned about themselves than you and bf. The way things stand right now, both parties know there is a reasonable chance that your bf is your half brother. Neither set of parents looked this far into to the future or consider that you and "the neighbor's kid" would eventually date each other. They were perfectly fine with the arrangement/agreement/pact that they made way back when to raise their child as their own, regardless of biological factors. No harm, no foul, everyone is happy and content.

 

But, low and behold you and bf started dating and that threw a monkeywrench into their world. If a test is performed and the results determine your bf is your half brother, then there would be tangible proof that couldn't be refuted. I'm sure both sets of parents are concerned about becoming the talk of the town and what kind of hit their professional lives may take as well.

 

You have every right to know. You and bf have the capability of finding out without their help. A sample from each of you will confirm whether or not their is a biological relation. I'd start with that. Knowing the status of your relation or lack there of will dictate quite a bit.

Edited by Methodical
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There are lots of dna testing websites out there. It looks like the range is $100-$400, depending on if its a home test or a legal test. Also, the paternity test is more accurate, but the sibling test can tell you what is "likely" to be the degree (if any) of relationship.

 

I found a place in Portland that will do a Sibling test, 90% accurate, we have to go in and they take samples, up to 3 weeks for results. I just have to get $395 somehow. Between us we have about $250 saved. My bf has reluctantly agreed to the test, why does no-one want to know except me? What is wrong with these people? I think my bf just wants to keep our relationship going and bury his head in the sand. I don't know how he can even still want me knowing that I might be his sister.

 

The test is much more accurate if you include other siblings (none) or the mother. I don't know whether I should try to convince her when dad is not around. She is very much the type that will argue with dad in private but always puts on a united front in public no matter what. I think there may be a slight chance I can talk her around but more than likely she will honor what dad has said and say no.

 

I don't think your parents are trying to be mean or vindictive, they're just more concerned about themselves than you and bf.

 

That's an oxymoron isn't it? By not caring about me they are being mean and vindictive. I have been so sick from this, I was off school all last week, my friends are ringing wanting to know what's wrong but I don't dare tell them but I want to talk to someone so much. All they care about is protecting their little fake world of self importance they have built, I'm sure I fit in somewhere down the list but it's sure not near the top.

 

I have such mixed emotions, I was scrolling through photo's of my bf and I and I see pics of us kissing and I want to be sick but (if this is even possible) I just want him to hold me tight and kiss me at the same time. :(

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The reason why your boyfriend and the parents all don't want to know if because sometimes human beings would rather live in denial than deal with the truth.

 

There are consequences to be faced if you two are siblings and I don't think any of them want to deal with the fallout of what happens next if you two really are related. I am guessing that when all of this happened in the past, the last thing they expected was this scenario.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can get it sorted out.

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Methodical
That's an oxymoron isn't it? By not caring about me they are being mean and vindictive.

 

Okay, rather than being delicate, I'll be blunt. Protecting their lifestyle and the choices they made many years ago takes precedence over everything else, including your biological dna. So don't expect them to be sympathetic. They do care about you and love you, they just don't want their lifestyle exposed.

 

In their eyes, there are many fish in the sea and your bf is the only one forbidden, so they want you to do everyone a favor, except yourself, and abide by their wish/demand and move on quietly, leave well-enough alone, sweep this under the rug and chalk it up to one of life's hard knocks. Also, in their eyes, if you love them, you'll see their plight and not push for answers. Yes, they are being selfish. This should clearly define any oxymoron statement.

 

By doing as I suggested and getting bf onboard to test for/rule out biological relation, you'd have some measure of solace.

 

 

I have such mixed emotions, I was scrolling through photo's of my bf and I and I see pics of us kissing and I want to be sick but (if this is even possible) I just want him to hold me tight and kiss me at the same time.[/Quote]

 

You love your bf and he is in the same boat you are, yet he is just as scared that the answer could forever change your relationship. Makes perfect sense that you want him to comfort you.

Edited by Methodical
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YOU and your bf need to know the truth because if you aren't really related, then you can continue on as normal, and the whole sorry saga is put to bed..

IF he is your half brother then that puts him in a bad position, not only your relationship ends, but his "Dad" is not his father and his real father is the bloke across the street.

The father he thought was his "Dad" in an awkward position too, as your Dad is now your bfs biological father.

His "Dad" will have to live with the fact he brought up another man's child and his wife, your bfs mother has to deal with the fact her husband is not the father of her child.

Your mother has to deal with your father being the father of a child to another woman too.

 

Similar issues in your own case.

 

YOU seem resigned to the fact your father may be the guy across the street, but I can quite see why no-one else is happy.

 

Do you and your bf also have siblings, are they involved too?

Did this swinging lifestyle include other couples?

Could this search for a father for the two of you, end up being a lot more complicated?

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YOU seem resigned to the fact your father may be the guy across the street

 

I desperately want my dad to be my dad and my bf's dad to be his but both sets of parents have made it clear it's a 50/50 toss of a coin. I'm hopeful it will work out but I have to protect myself in case it ends up if a huge mess.

 

All I care about right now is that we are not related and I can keep seeing him and we can deal with it together. If I lose him forever I'm not sure what I will do.

 

Do you and your bf also have siblings, are they involved too?

We are both only childs, thankfully.

 

Did this swinging lifestyle include other couples?

This has played on my mind. I haven't asked and I am too scared to know the answer but if my dad was with other women then I could have other brothers and sisters out there.

 

Could this search for a father for the two of you, end up being a lot more complicated?

Let's hope not. If it ends up neither of them are my dad then I think I might just check out.
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they deserve to suffer through this, I have to.

Don't think there hasn't been suffering - you just haven't seen it. Do you think it was easy for them to tell you what happened when it was something they would have wanted to be kept private?

 

Telling you wasn't out of flippancy or disregard for the situation. Trust me; there *has* been suffering; you are just not adult enough to grasp the entire situation.

 

Also, there is no reason the adults in this situation shouldn't put up ALL the money for a DNA test all around. For future medical reasons, it is imperative that it be done as all involved deserve to know what family medical issues may exist and the children have a right to understand their heritage.

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Don't think there hasn't been suffering - you just haven't seen it. Do you think it was easy for them to tell you what happened when it was something they would have wanted to be kept private?

 

No don't you dare give them any credit, they do not deserve it. They called us to a "meeting" and said hey Ren we know you're in a relationship with Steve but you have to stop because the four of us have been screwing each other for years and we honestly don't know which one of us is your true biological dad although I will always be your dad because I raised you. Now be a good girl and run along and never be with him again. Oh and by the way, no we will not get DNA tests, we're happy with things the way they are.

 

It makes me sick, they could die for all I care, I should name and shame them everywhere I can. The only reason I am not is because it will reflect worse on me.

 

Also, there is no reason the adults in this situation shouldn't put up ALL the money for a DNA test all around. For future medical reasons, it is imperative that it be done as all involved deserve to know what family medical issues may exist and the children have a right to understand their heritage.

 

Well that's what a responsible adult would do. Says a lot about my parents doesn't it?

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Just save up and get the test.

 

As an aside I saw an episode on House... The girls name in that was Rennae too and very similar circumstances.

 

Funny how life turns out.

 

Good luck OP.

 

I know you are angry but even parents are human. They make mistakes and they do things that we children disapprove of... Try to forgive them.

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Methodical

How old are you? Given the circumstances, I wonder if there might be some sort of public service assistance available. Might be worth researching.

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How old are you? Given the circumstances, I wonder if there might be some sort of public service assistance available. Might be worth researching.

 

We are both 17. I get along well with a school counselor but I'm unsure I can share this with her.

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Methodical

You can do a google search for "dna testing for siblings." Many organizations have 1-800 numbers to answer questions and offer more in-depth information you might find helpful.

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Mom told me I have to go to my Aunty's this Friday night. She won't tell me more but asked me not to pursue it and just wait to see what she (my Aunty) has to say.

 

Why all the games and sneakiness? Does my Aunty know about the whole situation? What could she possibly say unless there were tests done and she has the results but then why wouldn't they just say?

 

This family is seriously messed up. I can't wait to get away from it all and never see them again.

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whichwayisup

Continue to save up the money and get the DNA test done. Saliva, hair, or blood, whatever works best. Just keep it to yourself and do not discuss it with your parents or anybody else.

 

Your Auntie may or may not have the answers you're looking for but a DNA test will confirm your worst fear or alleviate it. I hope for the latter.

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can you look at each person objectively and see similarities/differences that you had't noticed before? Sometimes the truth is right in front of us, if we can just open our eyes to see it.

 

My youngest sister looks absolutely nothing whatsoever like our dad. My parents were married 48 years until he died. My mother was a very devout "church lady" (and all that entails!)

 

It has come out that she had a long term affair for many years, and my sister is the product of that affair. No surprise to me, and I feel indifferent toward church lady mother, because "I know she lies, cause her lips are moving."

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You poor thing. It does not matter what your parents want at this point. You and the boy go get DNA testing and that will determine if you're related or not. Your parents certainly made a mess of this. It's possible they don't want you to do it because one of the spouses didn't know, but I would not let that stop me. That is their problem. If you can afford it, go do it. They probably do not know and don't want to know. I see there are DNA tests for paternity online, so just google "DNA test for paternity" and you'll see it's only about $30 per kit. Not sure if you need one or two kits. You might have to call the DNA kit manufacturer to ask them how to tell if you're brother and sister.

 

I'm so sorry your parents didn't have the sense to use birth control while they were swinging. That's idiotic. Don't you make the same mistake.

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Well I had my eyes opened by my Aunty over the weekend. Apparently this swinging scene is "huge" in my area and "everyone does it". My Aunty even admitted that she was into for a while and that is part of the reason she moved away. Honestly I couldn't care less right now who is screwing who.

 

My Aunty was willing to tell me as much as I wanted to know but after a few questions it became very clear to me that it's better not knowing your parents and most of the towns sex life. At least I have a source of information should I ever want to know anything.

 

I did get some good news though and that is that my Aunty has given me the money for the sibling test. I think it actually came from mom, in fact I think the reason she wanted me to go was so I could be told the things she can't tell me herself.

 

My Aunty also booked us in for the tests but I declined that, I'd rather organise this myself. I had to promise though that I would make no mention of this to anyone especially dad. It seems my whole family is run on lies and deception. I can't wait until I get out of here, hopefully with my boyfriend when I find out he's not my brother.

 

Unfortunately my bf is still insisting we keep seeing each other until we find out. When I ask him what if I'm his sister he says he doesn't care and wants me anyway, I think he just wants sex. I have asked him to stop talking like that because knowing that he would willingly have sex with his sister makes me wonder whether he is the right one for me. Since then there has been no mention so fingers crossed on that one.

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Good to know you're getting the sibling test soon...

 

It's your parents' problem who is screwing who. But they can't interfere with your happiness.

You have all the rights to know who is your brother.

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And even my boyfriend is only following me I think, he still wants to continue sex because he says it doesn’t really matter unless I was pregnant.
I'd be mad at the boyfriend, not the parents. He obviously just wants to keep screwing the girl he's gotten access to. You told him to stop and he said no, let's keep going. He's a teenager. He wants to screw everything in sight. Don't BE that girl, ok? Respect yourself.

 

Here's what I told my DD24 when she started high school. Go out with lots of guys. Don't give them sex, cos you'll just be a notch on their belt (and you may have to drop out of high school and give you your dreams when you get pregnant); save that for college. Your brain isn't done changing, growing, and developing until around age 25, so what you are SURE you know at 15 won't be what you know at 16, or 18, or 20, or even 25. You'll be changing daily, weekly, monthly, so how on earth could you expect to 'be in love' with a guy at 17 when you won't even like the same things at 19? Don't mess up your life by getting serious with someone in high school. JUST HAVE FUN.

 

Once you get to college, start 'trying on' guys to see what kind of personality you're a better fit for. You'll meet guys from all over the world, so you're much more likely to meet someone who's a good fit for you than just settling for a guy in high school who you met simply because you lived in the same 5-square-mile vicinity. Try getting serious with a guy, but don't be surprised if you go through a few breakups in college. It's just a test period, for learning about yourself and other people.

 

And try not to get serious with anyone until you've graduated college and started your career - because what happens if you get serious with someone who ends up getting a job in his new career on the other side of the world? Who gives up their dream - you or him? Better to wait to meet 'the one' til you've graduated, can act like an adult and do adult things like meetup.com or other adult organizations, and truly meet someone who's more or less grown up and knows what they want, and meets all the items on your checklist.

 

Rennae, wouldn't 'that' guy - the one you meet after you're done getting set up for adulthood and who meets all your criteria and isn't just the guy across the street who's easy to date - be the kind of man you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?

Edited by turnera
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