My dating life versus friends & family?

[Gaeta]

My mother gave me a call last night to chit chat and it went like this:

 

Mom: So are you still seeing the same gentleman?

 

Me: 'sigh', no mom, he was married

 

Mom: I told you, you don't need anyone! Just stay by yourself. You are successful, you have everything you want, you don't need a man. If I were you I'd stay by myself !!

 

Me: Ya mom

 

Mom: Oh I just called your brother J (youngest brother 35) him and his girlfriend were packing up, they're heading to Greece for 3 weeks.

 

Me: Oh! It sucks for him to have a great girlfriend doesn't it.

 

Mom: (change subject)

 

I don't know why people have this mentality that I don't need to have a man in my life because I am doing well overall in life. I don't remember anyone telling my brothers when they were single that they didn't need a woman in their life. On the contrary my mother would encourage them and tell them there was a great woman out there for them, etc. And when they met their wife-gf she was ecstatic for them.

 

My colleagues and friends think the same thing. They don't know why I bother looking for someone.

 

Am I the only woman getting this from others? is this some type of double standard?

[jen1447]

Is your mom single by any chance?

[TunaCat]

I can't help but wonder if your friends & family are trying to make the fact that you haven't settled down with someone, easier on you. They don't want you to feel like you have to date and find someone to settle down with so they tell you that you don't need a man in your life.

[Gaeta]

Is your mom single by any chance?

 

My parents have been married for 50 years.

[Gaeta]

I can't help but wonder if your friends & family are trying to make the fact that you haven't settled down with someone, easier on you. They don't want you to feel like you have to date and find someone to settle down with so they tell you that you don't need a man in your life.

 

We can't really call it settling down at 49 years old. I want companionship.

[jen1447]

My parents have been married for 50 years.

 

I guess there are a lot of possibilities then. I get the impression from reading on here that you 'audition' quite a few guys but they generally don't stick. Could be your mom (and others) perceive that as some sort of failure and so they rationalize that you'll stop failing if you stop trying your hand at romance. Also if you seem stable otherwise, they might genuinely think you don't need anyone bc you "seem fine."

 

It's not uncommon for people to marginalize the needs of others. Not necessarily vindictively so, just maybe a bit dismissively so. Not many ppl think others' lives are complicated, just their own.

[Gaeta]

Also if you seem stable otherwise, they might genuinely think you don't need anyone bc you "seem fine."

 

Ya, I'm always viewed at the strong one. The one that can deal with anything, get out of situations on top, etc. I don't think it ever crossed anyone's mind that I would like someone to lean on like anyone else.

[dragonfire13]

Perhaps because, and I hate to sound pessimistic here, an overwhelming majority of modern relationships fail. Since things are going so great for you, maybe she doesn't want you to risk being distracted by a bad relationship.

 

Given that a guy you was seeing was married, perhaps your mother feels that you don't have the best judgement with guys or perhaps youre giving off desperate-to-get-into-a-relationship vibes? (not to offend you or anything but I had a friend like this).

 

If it helps, my mother is the opposite and constantly criticises my single status. Sometimes parents just want what they think is best for their kids.

 

Im the opposite to you though, I'm no actively looking for a bf and even if a guy asks me out Im likely to turn him down due to past failed relationships - any slight red flag and I shut a situation down.

 

I don't think it's good to completely neglect ANY aspect of your life though, and that includes your love life so defo keep actively dating if that's an area you choose to focus on.

[angel.eyes]

Well, if you were dating a fantastic guy, I doubt your mom would tell you to dump him because it's better to be unattached. She's just reacting to your situation and the challenges you've faced. She doesn't want you to feel bad about not getting to your goal. It's a little like the kid who gets excited, tries out year after year for the football team, and doesn't make it. His parents eventually will start downplaying the positives, try to redirect him, and tell him to focus on other things rather than continuing to pursue his dream. You've been at this for about ten years IIRC. The guys have been disappointments or wrong from your perspective in one way or another. Your mom doesn't want you feeling bad about what's happened. That's all.

 

Most people mean well. Focus on her intent rather than what she said and the obvious contradiction when she then spoke about your brother's relationship.

 

And yes, you don't need a guy. You're self-sufficient and have a full life without one. But, it certainly would be nice to have one...It's the icing on the cake. I wouldn't give up trying. Just maybe take a short break from the process. Breaks can be very beneficial. Then try again. Don't give up. It will happen!

[sportygirl89]

My mom wants grandchildren really bad. My oldest brother can't have kids. My second oldest brother is so messed up from dating a girl for 5 years who just walked out for another guy (while they were together). My ex (whom my parents loved) walked out on me while I was sick. My dad told me he didn't want to be introduced to anyone we were serious about until it was actually serious about. My dad is still crushed my ex and I didn't work out and that there won't be a future with him (ex's choice not mine). My mom has stopped pressing the she wants grandchildren issue. Both parents just want me to make it through my grad program in one piece since my ex nearly ruined it for me.