I'm young but I don't want my family's aid anymore.

[shvrk]

Pretty much I have been living w my grandma for the past year & a half. I am 21 this year and I feel restricted and I just want to move on and out. That's not the only reason. I have also been practicing a religion with my grandma that I do not believe in completely or even at all. I try to keep her happy as much as I can. I do things that seem to be harming me spiritually and I feel a constant guilt... especially since I am called selfish when I just want to be away from home to breathe and be myself comfortably. I live in a completely new city, and my family that I live with I never really knew growing up because I lived across the country. I just don't like having keep myself quiet on certain things and being shut down about my own personal feelings about social topics and how I should be living my life. I always feel like I need to hide myself from them, especially the fact that I meditate, and I don't even feel comfortable listening to certain music around my family.

 

Also, I did not feel that I was ready to go to college but my 2nd cousin that is never around told me that I absolutely had to go to college or Id be kicked out of my grandmothers house. So I went, with a positive outlook (this is my second time going) and now I am at the end of my semester with a 3.0 GPA, and I worked my ass off this semester going full time, and I still do not feel I should be going because I don't even have a plan. I even quit my last job bc of myself being told to go to school or Id be out of a place to live for the time being. I did receive financial aid, but I did give them 500 bucks to put away (I had to) for my future "financial cushion" which is fine. I still have some of that left also. Then I filed my taxes and my 2nd cousin texted me out of nowhere telling me that I needed to give all of the money to my grandma to put away. I don't have a car right now but that lump sum would be a great deal to go towards my car. Instead she tells me that I need to work to save my my car.

 

They won't let me save my own money because they don't think that I know how to save money. I do. I also am not a reckless spender. I buy my clothes from the thrift store,(when I need them) and for food I would occasionally buy groceries for the house and I'd pay my phone and utility bill. My cousin tells me that I worked a whole year and I have nothing to show for it. The thing is, I did. When I quit I had well enough to save but I had to use the money saved to buy my textbooks for school. That broke me. I did not even receive my financial aid until 2 months after the semester started so I needed to live off of my savings. So it had me sort of twisted when she mentioned that. I do not entirely regret going to school this semester I just feel like I need to find a way and make my own plan as to what I want to do.

 

I also get constantly discouraged. I paint a picture that makes my proud, they laugh, or criticize it harshly. Not to mention the constant downing of my intelligence and being called selfish and etc. I haven't been around these people my entire life. My grandma I saw more before my dad died around twice a year, but my dad died when I was 7. My cousin I have maybe met 5 or 6 times. She's 40 or something. I guess she had a close relationship with my dad so I feel obligated to do what she tells me but it is making me unhappy and it doesn't feel like what I am supposed to do.

 

I want to move out. The thing is I would move out w my boyfriend for the time being until I save more money up. This goes against my grandmothers beliefs completely. I've know him for over a year, dated him for 9 months and w have been friends for a while before. He's the only person that seems to know the person I really am, the search for knowledge of the universe that I crave and the understanding of my need to be independent. My grandmother stopped me from staying at his house overnight because it is not "Something a woman of God should be doing." I think it's totally normal.

 

I just need to know how to confront them about of this. I'm tired of lying to myself and them about the person I really am. It's exhausting spiritually. I don't want to sever ties with my grandmother but this **** of being treated like some ball of clay is getting old. This feels like a detour in my life. I just wanna get back on my path of what I am supposed to do. I know I sound crazy but I am scared of the confrontation. I am going against everything my family wants. My mom agrees I need to get out of the house also... she lives hours away. So I naturally feel stuck. I just don't think I belong in this group

[eye of the storm]

Everything in life is a give and take. Pros and Cons.

 

 

You are almost 21 years old. If you do not want to live with your grandmother, you can pack your stuff and move. She may/may not write you off.

 

 

Moving out allows you to make your own decisions and take the consequences of those decisions. If you do move out, try to go out of your way to not blow bridges behind you. Stay calm, stay respectful, and stay firm.

 

 

Be prepared for any financial support you receive to end. But then, that is part of being an adult...paying your own way.

 

 

Good luck.

[shvrk]

Everything in life is a give and take. Pros and Cons.

 

 

You are almost 21 years old. If you do not want to live with your grandmother, you can pack your stuff and move. She may/may not write you off.

 

 

Moving out allows you to make your own decisions and take the consequences of those decisions. If you do move out, try to go out of your way to not blow bridges behind you. Stay calm, stay respectful, and stay firm.

 

 

Be prepared for any financial support you receive to end. But then, that is part of being an adult...paying your own way.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

I'm aware of the financial support disappearing. I've accepted that that, thank you for responding.

 

I just am not ready for the slander that is to come from this.

[Satu]

I left home at 16, and never slept another night there.

 

I never asked for or accepted a penny from them after I left.

 

I put myself through university, got a good degree, and established myself in a profession.

 

I don't owe anything to anyone, and have no debts of any kind.

 

... So you need these people for... what?

[eye of the storm]

Sometimes we feel that not taking an action means that we are not responsible for the outcomes. Even not taking an action is a decision.

 

 

Will some people slander you? Probably yes. Will they get over it if you stay calm and respectful? Probably yes.

 

 

Will it be fun? Probably no.

 

 

But, we must all take charge of our own lives eventually. Only you can decide when you will take the reins and steer your own direction.

 

 

Second cousins this, grandmothers that. They really will not be reaping the consequences of the end of your life. You will be.

 

 

And in the end, if they are not the kind of people to forgive you for accepting the responsibility for your own life, do you really want them controlling your life? And for how long will they be controlling your life? 25? 30? 45? When will you start making the decisions for you?

 

 

Stay calm, stay respectful, stay firm.

[pink_sugar]

I moved out the day I turned 18. I am almost 26 now and it has frankly been a rough road, but you can do it. You might have to find a full time job and cut back school to part time. Last year I had to live with relatives due to being laid off my previous job and forced to relocate because we were struggling in a high cost area, so living on unemployment benefits wasn't an option. That been said, I would never, EVER, live with family again. It was only a reminder of why I moved out so soon in the first place.

[shvrk]

Sometimes we feel that not taking an action means that we are not responsible for the outcomes. Even not taking an action is a decision.

 

 

Will some people slander you? Probably yes. Will they get over it if you stay calm and respectful? Probably yes.

 

 

Will it be fun? Probably no.

 

 

But, we must all take charge of our own lives eventually. Only you can decide when you will take the reins and steer your own direction.

 

 

Second cousins this, grandmothers that. They really will not be reaping the consequences of the end of your life. You will be.

 

 

And in the end, if they are not the kind of people to forgive you for accepting the responsibility for your own life, do you really want them controlling your life? And for how long will they be controlling your life? 25? 30? 45? When will you start making the decisions for you?

 

 

Stay calm, stay respectful, stay firm.

 

I agree and that's where I am stuck... it seems that they do not want me to make the mistakes that they or other people make... and I think that I am smart enough to not do so, and if I do I will just handle it. I'd rather stuggle than be controlled.

 

And being forced to going to school really upset me, especially since they aren't the ones to pay off the debt when I take out loans.

[eye of the storm]

If you are a legal adult in a country where you have legal rights, nobody can force you to do much. They can nag, they can beg, they can bully...but they cannot force you.

 

 

If you could...my daughter would be in college right now. I have been trying to force her to go to college for years. She decided to move out of my house and get a job.

 

 

She will tell you it has not been fun, and we have had spats over it. But, she felt she would be better able to tell me no if she didn't have to rely on my for the roof over her head. And she was right.

 

 

It is very easy to blame others by saying they forced me. But you chose to go along with it. If you don't like your choices, choose new ones.

 

 

You can do this.

[shvrk]

How should I tell them in the most respectful way?

[eye of the storm]

If it were me, I would get all my ducks in a row. How are you going to support yourself, where are you going to live, etc.

 

That way when they question you, you will sound like an adult making a decision and not a child running away.

 

If they keep pressing just tell them you need to grow up and relying on them for everything isn't helping you grow.

 

Don't blame don't get snarky. Just stay calm and focused. Pack say lots of love you and leave.

[shvrk]

If it were me, I would get all my ducks in a row. How are you going to support yourself, where are you going to live, etc.

 

That way when they question you, you will sound like an adult making a decision and not a child running away.

 

If they keep pressing just tell them you need to grow up and relying on them for everything isn't helping you grow.

 

Don't blame don't get snarky. Just stay calm and focused. Pack say lots of love you and leave.

 

I'll start to do just that. And I'll put my taxes away where only have control of them. Thank you for responding. I feel a bit more at ease about it now.

[shvrk]

Being independent is part of growing up. At 21, it is a good thing to desire to be independent. I agree with the PPs that you do need to have a plan and a goal. Moving in with your boyfriend, may cause that relationship to be in jeopardy. If he is the one for you , than you should allow that relationship to be free of the baggage of finances and debt. Can you find a roommate? Someone who is offering to rent a room? Stepping out on your own will give you the opportunity to make your own choices without criticism. But that doesn't mean that you can make unwise choices, it puts the burden on you to make the good and wise choices that will result in a healthy life. Can you find a community of friends who will help you make good choices? Hugs friend!

#notautomatic-

 

What could happen if I did room with him? It would only be temporarily even just to see what it's like. He's a bit older than I am

[mrs rubble]

You have some excellent advice here.

I just wanted to address the religous issues you're facing with grandma. It will help if you put the 'godliness' issues into perspective. She is obviously part of a strict christian(?) type denomination.

Wars have started and fights erupted all over the world over the differing opinions of religion and interpretation of the text.

Don't be sucked in by it, you are not damned to spend eternity with a pitchfork if you meditate. My very liberal pastor encourages meditation as a tool to become closer to god.

Likewise with music, listening to rock music won't turn you into an anti-christ, just respect that grandma probably isn't going to dig lyrics like Eminem writes!

I know it's really annoying to listen to people with out-dated ideas on the right's and wrongs of godliness, but do stay respectful, while remaining true to yourself and remember that only God can judge.

 

My ex MIL was a really "out there" Christian and I often felt bad about her reprimands of my supposed "ungodly" conduct, until I decided that she was the one acting ungodly by judging me and discouraging me.

[eye of the storm]

Get your finances in order.

 

As to living with your BF...Just keep in mind what would you do if that falls thru. Always try to plan 1 or 2 steps ahead. I am not saying the BF thing is bad but when relying on others you have to be prepared for them to fall thru.

 

 

You can do this. It will be hard. But at the end of the day you can say, this is me, I did this. And nobody can take it away from you.

 

 

You will have days when you want to quit and go home and let other take the responsibilities from you. But always remember when you give others the responsibility for your life, you give them your rights.

 

 

Good luck.

[shvrk]

Get your finances in order.

 

As to living with your BF...Just keep in mind what would you do if that falls thru. Always try to plan 1 or 2 steps ahead. I am not saying the BF thing is bad but when relying on others you have to be prepared for them to fall thru.

 

 

You can do this. It will be hard. But at the end of the day you can say, this is me, I did this. And nobody can take it away from you.

 

 

You will have days when you want to quit and go home and let other take the responsibilities from you. But always remember when you give others the responsibility for your life, you give them your rights.

 

 

Good luck.

 

Okay, thanks I actually do have a plan if things won't work out.

[shvrk]

You have some excellent advice here.

I just wanted to address the religous issues you're facing with grandma. It will help if you put the 'godliness' issues into perspective. She is obviously part of a strict christian(?) type denomination.

Wars have started and fights erupted all over the world over the differing opinions of religion and interpretation of the text.

Don't be sucked in by it, you are not damned to spend eternity with a pitchfork if you meditate. My very liberal pastor encourages meditation as a tool to become closer to god.

Likewise with music, listening to rock music won't turn you into an anti-christ, just respect that grandma probably isn't going to dig lyrics like Eminem writes!

I know it's really annoying to listen to people with out-dated ideas on the right's and wrongs of godliness, but do stay respectful, while remaining true to yourself and remember that only God can judge.

 

My ex MIL was a really "out there" Christian and I often felt bad about her reprimands of my supposed "ungodly" conduct, until I decided that she was the one acting ungodly by judging me and discouraging me.

 

Very strict Christian. It's not that I listen to rock music (I do but I doubt she cares so much about it) But the music I meditate to, things to open my chakras... I've even gotten certain books and have a set of gemstones that are to help me stay grounded,.., she seems to think that I'm practicing witchcraft... I am not. She's just constantly criticizing my way of living and I do not feel free to do so...

[shvrk]

I hate feeling like I have to hide things all the time.

 

Once again, I appreciate the help guys! :D:D

[mrs rubble]

Very strict Christian. It's not that I listen to rock music (I do but I doubt she cares so much about it) But the music I meditate to, things to open my chakras... I've even gotten certain books and have a set of gemstones that are to help me stay grounded,.., she seems to think that I'm practicing witchcraft... I am not. She's just constantly criticizing my way of living and I do not feel free to do so...

 

I've been acused of practising witchcraft too!! If gem stones are the tools of witches, how do catholics get away with using rosary beads??

 

If she criticizes you, gently tell her you have different spititual views to her and you'd appriciate she respects that as you do her views.

[shvrk]

I've been acused of practising witchcraft too!! If gem stones are the tools of witches, how do catholics get away with using rosary beads??

 

If she criticizes you, gently tell her you have different spititual views to her and you'd appriciate she respects that as you do her views.

 

Lol.... Not while I'm in this house. Itll break her heart.

But i can't wait to feel free to meditate whenever.

[preraph]

It's time for you to leave the nest. Unless doing so would put a stop to them paying for your college, you should move out and in with a girlfriend, not a boyfriend because the goal is to be independent, and you won't be independent if you're dependent on a man. You are an adult and you must be willing to follow your own path. Your parents and grandparents had their own lives to live as they chose. Now this is your life to live as you choose. Don't ever let anyone tell you you have to live their way.

[shvrk]

It's time for you to leave the nest. Unless doing so would put a stop to them paying for your college, you should move out and in with a girlfriend, not a boyfriend because the goal is to be independent, and you won't be independent if you're dependent on a man. You are an adult and you must be willing to follow your own path. Your parents and grandparents had their own lives to live as they chose. Now this is your life to live as you choose. Don't ever let anyone tell you you have to live their way.

 

Thanks. They aren't paying for my schooling.

[shvrk]

So update time.

I don't know if I mentioned this yet or not but my second cousin told me to give my tax money to my grandmother to save. I decided to open up a savings account and to put it in there, and I would put money in it every time I would be paid, otherwise, I will not touch it. I did not tell her that I did this, in fact I have been avoiding her since. She texted me today

 

"Congratulations. You are officially the first in the family to totally disregard what I have asked you to do multiple times. I find it very insulting and disrespectful. My last word of advice to you... Life is too short to burn bridges."

 

I have no idea what to do. I called and talked to my grandma and told her what was up, and how I feel totally disrespected myself. I told her that I feel as if they think that I am to stupid to save my own money, when I know I am capable of doing so. It's not like they are giving me the money. I just give it to them to hold, which I will no longer be doing. Now my relationship with my second cousin seems to be tarnished, even though she, a few weeks ago, openly admitted to not listening to me when I spoke to her. Right when I was speaking with her.

[rester]

Do you pay rent or otherwise financially contribute to the household? What are the terms and obligations of your living arrangement?

 

I'm not quite sure why you are under any obligation to surrender your tax refund unless it is to cover the costs of you living under their roof.

 

If you're getting a free room and board you are going to have to sacrifice other things about your living arrangement, but your family can't tell you how to save or spend the money you make working unless you are not meeting the financial obligations you previously agreed to.

 

That said, this may be a situation where you are better off giving them your tax refund because if not, they can kick you out of the house or demand rent, which could be more expensive to you in the long run. It does sound like they are trying to help you get on your feet.

[shvrk]

Do you pay rent or otherwise financially contribute to the household? What are the terms and obligations of your living arrangement?

 

I'm not quite sure why you are under any obligation to surrender your tax refund unless it is to cover the costs of you living under their roof.

 

If you're getting a free room and board you are going to have to sacrifice other things about your living arrangement, but your family can't tell you how to save or spend the money you make working unless you are not meeting the financial obligations you previously agreed to.

 

That said, this may be a situation where you are better off giving them your tax refund because if not, they can kick you out of the house or demand rent, which could be more expensive to you in the long run. It does sound like they are trying to help you get on your feet.

 

 

That's it. It's not a problem. I just forgot, then keep forgetting, so I said **** it I'll put it away on my own. I get they wanna help, but I just don't see the difference. No one is kicking me out. She doesn't live here, shes never around... maybe pops up here and there. I do pay the utilities.I just told my grandmother I'd rather do it on my own. She understands that I can probably more than my cousin... who barely knows who I am...

[shvrk]

Do you pay rent or otherwise financially contribute to the household? What are the terms and obligations of your living arrangement?

 

I'm not quite sure why you are under any obligation to surrender your tax refund unless it is to cover the costs of you living under their roof.

 

If you're getting a free room and board you are going to have to sacrifice other things about your living arrangement, but your family can't tell you how to save or spend the money you make working unless you are not meeting the financial obligations you previously agreed to.

 

That said, this may be a situation where you are better off giving them your tax refund because if not, they can kick you out of the house or demand rent, which could be more expensive to you in the long run. It does sound like they are trying to help you get on your feet.

 

It just makes me feel... discouraged. My cousin isn't a person I'd want in my life if we were not related.