No relationship with my brother

[darkbloom]

I was watching a movie last night and one of the actresses said that after her parents died, her brother would have known her her entire life. I have never thought about it that way before. My brother should feasibly be my oldest friend.

 

My brother is older than I am by 16 months. He is 26 and I am 25. We were closer when we were really young but have no relationship now. I see him at Christmas and Thanksgiving but he does not talk to me or show any interest in my life except for being really negative to my parents about me. I figured after we got out of the awkward teenage years that things would get better but no such luck. Any conversation we have is banal and superficial. He literally knows nothing about me. I have attempted to call him to talk and have tried to text him but I haven't had any luck. He usually does not answer my calls and sends back one word replies on texts. We lived in the same state up until a few years ago. I never saw or talked to him when he lived here and I still don't see or talk to him much.

 

We literally shared a childhood and have a lot of memories together. It seems as though none of that matters to him. My parents also only had 2 kids so it is just us.

 

Does anyone have any experience with their siblings like this? I asked my mom about it and she didn't have any explanation for it. I feel like I am missing out. Any explanation for his behavior?

[Fleur de cactus]

Maybe it is his personality. Does he has friends? Maybe you do not know since you do not communicate. How about you mom? does he have a good relationship with your mother? if he does not maintain contact with you parents maybe the problem is within him. He may have a secret life he does not want you to know. Sorry to hear what you are going through, it is sad to see a very close relative being very distant. Some people do not love. if he has a g/f or b/f maybe you can try to go through them. Another thing you can try is a reunification or find a mediator though some program like Dr. Phil. All the best.

[optomistic_nonsense]

My husband and his brother had an almost identical situation happen between them. How long as this lack of a relationship been going between you and your brother? My husband and his brother didn't speak for 3 years or so, and unfortunately it wasn't until their father passed away that they were re-united.

 

Are you married/engaged/paired with someone? Is he? I've noticed in my own experiences that at times, although it's hard to believe, jealousy can play a role in the downfall of relationships, even if it's within family. Maybe look at the major differences between the 2 of you - again, marital status, job, friends, overall quality of life, etc. Do you have more going for you in general?

 

In my husband's situation, his brother had a wife that would distort eeeeverything, make mountains out of molehills and start drama wherever she found an open window. It really just fueled the fire.

[writergal]

Sadly, sibling alienation happens more commonly than you'd think. One reason siblings stop being close when they become adults, is because they don't have anything other than their parents in common with each other.

 

My grandfather alienated himself from his brother due to a falling out when they were teens and the two never spoke again. They both died without resolving their conflict with each other, which turned out to be a simple matter of resentment over who was supposed to take over the family restaurant when their parents died. My grandfather didn't want to take over the family business, and neither did his brother. Their sisters didn't either. After the sisters and his brother left town, my grandfather was left with their family restaurant to run by himself. Although he maintained contact with his sisters, my grandfather and his brother never spoke again. My uncle and father had letters from their uncle, but were told by my grandfather to keep the letters content to themselves, so they did.

 

Another example is that my brother and I are total opposites. We have nothing in common. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in five years and counting. Our family has adapted to this new dynamic and accepted the fact that neither he nor I will ever resolve our differences. I don't know if it because my brother and I are locked in our childhood patterns of never being close or getting along, but that's a strong possibility. Neither of us ever bothered to re-negotiate our adult sibling relationship to relate to each other in new ways that are positive.

 

Basically, not all siblings grow up to be as close as they were during their childhood. It just happens that way. If your brother is always negative around you at holidays and birthdays, and he has rebuffed your attempts to reach out to re-negotiate your adult relationship as brothers, then I'm sorry to say he sounds like a lost cause not worth investing any more of your time in. Grieve for that loss, but then move on. You have no other choice. Don't get other family members involved as that will just pit you two against each other and family members will take sides.

 

Do I miss my brother? Nope. I'm actually very relieved he's out of my life. He never brought anything positive to my life. We will be strangers for the rest of our lives and I'm 100% ok with that.

[badpenny]

I am in touch with my older brother, on a sporadic level. he remembers birthdays and anniversaries better than anyone, but he's a dark horse (literally - he was born in the Chinese year of the Horse) and keeps himself pretty much to himself. he leads a miserable existence with a wife whom he loathes, because she loathes him and treats him like something she scraped off her shoe. Sadly, his daughter takes after her mother, a lot... I don't talk to him as often as I'd like, but i'm very fond of him and I know the feeling is mutual. When we get together, on those rare occasions, we get on very well and enjoy each others' company. I haven't seen his wife, for 12 years. And another 12 would be too soon....

 

My younger brother was a spoilt brat as a kid, and got his way in almost everything possible. Being a few years older than him, I became his 'second mum' while our mum worked, and he treated me shabbily.

he's a dolt now, and really not very likable. he's judgmental and patronising, sarcastic and truculent. I don't like him very much, and frankly, don't think I'd lose too much sleep if i never saw him again.

 

My elder brother used to bully me terribly when we were kids, and my younger brother was a nasty bit of work. (He clearly remembers stabbing my hand with a fork, because i was playfully pretending to creep forward and steal a chip off his plate. he still thinks it was funny.)

 

My elder brother is very remorseful about ou younger yeas, and has apologised - more than once - for inflicting such pain upon me.

I have all the time in the world for him, but my younger brother might just as well not exist.

 

And neither scenario bothers me all that much at all.

 

Families are not all they're cut out to be.

Sadly, nowadays, it's more unusual for people to have a wonderful family life all round 'Brady Bunch' style, than it is to have folks at loggerheads.

Most families I know, simply get along or co-exist.

 

No wonder Christmas is such a stressful time for so many families.

The other stressful time is weddings.

 

Happy families......

 

In your dreams....?

[darkbloom]

My husband and his brother had an almost identical situation happen between them. How long as this lack of a relationship been going between you and your brother? My husband and his brother didn't speak for 3 years or so, and unfortunately it wasn't until their father passed away that they were re-united.

 

Are you married/engaged/paired with someone? Is he? I've noticed in my own experiences that at times, although it's hard to believe, jealousy can play a role in the downfall of relationships, even if it's within family. Maybe look at the major differences between the 2 of you - again, marital status, job, friends, overall quality of life, etc. Do you have more going for you in general?

 

In my husband's situation, his brother had a wife that would distort eeeeverything, make mountains out of molehills and start drama wherever she found an open window. It really just fueled the fire.

 

Our relationship started to fizzle out in high school. We are pretty close in age so he would drive me and my best friend to school every morning. He also used to take us to breakfast and pick me up from work and what not. When he graduated, our daily communication just kind of stopped. This was almost 10 years ago. I think he has always been a little jealous of me. I am the 'good' child and he is the 'bad' child.

 

Neither of us are married and I just got broken up with. He has a recently acquired girlfriend that he is not serious about (according to my mother, he hasn't actually told me any of this). I think our parents marriage probably scared both of us into never wanting to get married/serious about anyone.

 

I went to college but he has a better job and makes an ungodly amount of money. I would say overall, my quality of life is better and that I am happier than he is. I also get along better with our parents because I am not afraid of them. My brother does not deal well with rejection and generally wants all of the spotlight to be on him.

 

When my parents die, we will probably never see each other ever again. We used to hang out all the time and we had a lot of inside jokes. We haven't made a new inside joke in over 10 years. It makes me sad.

[darkbloom]

Sadly, sibling alienation happens more commonly than you'd think. One reason siblings stop being close when they become adults, is because they don't have anything other than their parents in common with each other.

 

My grandfather alienated himself from his brother due to a falling out when they were teens and the two never spoke again. They both died without resolving their conflict with each other, which turned out to be a simple matter of resentment over who was supposed to take over the family restaurant when their parents died. My grandfather didn't want to take over the family business, and neither did his brother. Their sisters didn't either. After the sisters and his brother left town, my grandfather was left with their family restaurant to run by himself. Although he maintained contact with his sisters, my grandfather and his brother never spoke again. My uncle and father had letters from their uncle, but were told by my grandfather to keep the letters content to themselves, so they did.

 

Another example is that my brother and I are total opposites. We have nothing in common. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in five years and counting. Our family has adapted to this new dynamic and accepted the fact that neither he nor I will ever resolve our differences. I don't know if it because my brother and I are locked in our childhood patterns of never being close or getting along, but that's a strong possibility. Neither of us ever bothered to re-negotiate our adult sibling relationship to relate to each other in new ways that are positive.

 

Basically, not all siblings grow up to be as close as they were during their childhood. It just happens that way. If your brother is always negative around you at holidays and birthdays, and he has rebuffed your attempts to reach out to re-negotiate your adult relationship as brothers, then I'm sorry to say he sounds like a lost cause not worth investing any more of your time in. Grieve for that loss, but then move on. You have no other choice. Don't get other family members involved as that will just pit you two against each other and family members will take sides.

 

Do I miss my brother? Nope. I'm actually very relieved he's out of my life. He never brought anything positive to my life. We will be strangers for the rest of our lives and I'm 100% ok with that.

 

I think jealousy has a lot to do with my brother and he has a lot of insecurity. I do think it's probably a lost cause to invest more time in it since he hasn't responded. My brother can be very funny at times but can also be abusive and fly off the handle. I fear for his girlfriend. I think counseling could help him solve a lot of his issues, but if I ever suggested that he would probably scream obscenities at me.

 

I am super close with my mom. She currently lives with me right now so I am able to talk to her about things like this without her getting upset. Other than that, I do not discuss any of this with my other family members. I call my dad out sometimes for his ****ty parenting that has resulted in some of my brothers emotional problems. But I try to keep the peace since we only see each other twice a year.

[darkbloom]

I am in touch with my older brother, on a sporadic level. he remembers birthdays and anniversaries better than anyone, but he's a dark horse (literally - he was born in the Chinese year of the Horse) and keeps himself pretty much to himself. he leads a miserable existence with a wife whom he loathes, because she loathes him and treats him like something she scraped off her shoe. Sadly, his daughter takes after her mother, a lot... I don't talk to him as often as I'd like, but i'm very fond of him and I know the feeling is mutual. When we get together, on those rare occasions, we get on very well and enjoy each others' company. I haven't seen his wife, for 12 years. And another 12 would be too soon....

 

My younger brother was a spoilt brat as a kid, and got his way in almost everything possible. Being a few years older than him, I became his 'second mum' while our mum worked, and he treated me shabbily.

he's a dolt now, and really not very likable. he's judgmental and patronising, sarcastic and truculent. I don't like him very much, and frankly, don't think I'd lose too much sleep if i never saw him again.

 

My elder brother used to bully me terribly when we were kids, and my younger brother was a nasty bit of work. (He clearly remembers stabbing my hand with a fork, because i was playfully pretending to creep forward and steal a chip off his plate. he still thinks it was funny.)

 

My elder brother is very remorseful about ou younger yeas, and has apologised - more than once - for inflicting such pain upon me.

I have all the time in the world for him, but my younger brother might just as well not exist.

 

And neither scenario bothers me all that much at all.

 

Families are not all they're cut out to be.

Sadly, nowadays, it's more unusual for people to have a wonderful family life all round 'Brady Bunch' style, than it is to have folks at loggerheads.

Most families I know, simply get along or co-exist.

 

No wonder Christmas is such a stressful time for so many families.

The other stressful time is weddings.

 

Happy families......

 

In your dreams....?

 

I think maybe I was adopted.

 

My thoughts go something like this:

 

1. I am going to be honest with everyone in my family. I am not going to lie or cover up the truth or mistakes we have made in the past.

2. When a family member complains about another family member, I am going to call them out on their behavior. We are going to talk out our issues or we are going to get over it.

3. When patterns repeat themselves i.e. neglect, abuse, I am going to call that sh-t exactly as it is. I am going to point out the pattern and provide a solution. Even if they will not listen.

4. I will NEVER enter into a marriage with someone who I cannot commit to sticking with through the good and the bad. I will not marry someone because society expects me to. I will not marry someone just to have children. I will not stay in a marriage that does not provide happiness to both parties. I will not repeat the mistakes my parents and grandparents made with their children.

5. I will not allow my children to abuse each other. I will seek all available means of help if one child is showing aggression, bullying, etc to another child.

 

I think my family is collectively afraid of me. I won't keep the skeletons in the closet. Secrets keep people sick. I do not want to be sick. I also do not have time for my family members that do not have time for me.

[writergal]

I think jealousy has a lot to do with my brother and he has a lot of insecurity. I do think it's probably a lost cause to invest more time in it since he hasn't responded. My brother can be very funny at times but can also be abusive and fly off the handle. I fear for his girlfriend. I think counseling could help him solve a lot of his issues, but if I ever suggested that he would probably scream obscenities at me.

 

I am super close with my mom. She currently lives with me right now so I am able to talk to her about things like this without her getting upset. Other than that, I do not discuss any of this with my other family members. I call my dad out sometimes for his ****ty parenting that has resulted in some of my brothers emotional problems. But I try to keep the peace since we only see each other twice a year.

 

At least you are close with your mom. That's nice that she lives with you right now too. I wouldn't discuss your personal matters with other family members because it's none of their business. You know?

[writergal]

I think maybe I was adopted.

 

My thoughts go something like this:

 

1. I am going to be honest with everyone in my family. I am not going to lie or cover up the truth or mistakes we have made in the past.

2. When a family member complains about another family member, I am going to call them out on their behavior. We are going to talk out our issues or we are going to get over it.

3. When patterns repeat themselves i.e. neglect, abuse, I am going to call that sh-t exactly as it is. I am going to point out the pattern and provide a solution. Even if they will not listen.

4. I will NEVER enter into a marriage with someone who I cannot commit to sticking with through the good and the bad. I will not marry someone because society expects me to. I will not marry someone just to have children. I will not stay in a marriage that does not provide happiness to both parties. I will not repeat the mistakes my parents and grandparents made with their children.

5. I will not allow my children to abuse each other. I will seek all available means of help if one child is showing aggression, bullying, etc to another child.

 

I think my family is collectively afraid of me. I won't keep the skeletons in the closet. Secrets keep people sick. I do not want to be sick. I also do not have time for my family members that do not have time for me.

 

I'm so sorry that you feel like your family is toxic to your well being, but I realize that many families are that way. Just be prepared that your family will want to maintain the status quo, which means they will want to stay in denial about all their issues so they will turn on you as the family scapegoat and try to dump all the toxicity on to you.

 

I think it's very healthy that you are ready to draw clear boundaries with your family now. That will take tremendous psychological strength from you and a lot of patience. Just lower your expectations for them to come to the light, as you have. You can live your life 100% different than they are, and be healthy without them joining you (because they may not want to).

[darkbloom]

I'm so sorry that you feel like your family is toxic to your well being, but I realize that many families are that way. Just be prepared that your family will want to maintain the status quo, which means they will want to stay in denial about all their issues so they will turn on you as the family scapegoat and try to dump all the toxicity on to you.

 

I think it's very healthy that you are ready to draw clear boundaries with your family now. That will take tremendous psychological strength from you and a lot of patience. Just lower your expectations for them to come to the light, as you have. You can live your life 100% different than they are, and be healthy without them joining you (because they may not want to).

 

My family has never heard of healthy boundaries. I think if they even got a notion that one would be coming their way they would run in the opposite direction. Case in point: My father decided to wait a week to tell me that my grandmother had a heart attack. His defense "I am not the favorite child. She doesn't care about me as much, so I don't care that she had a heart attack. Oops. Sorry, I forgot to tell you when it happened." I am not close to anyone on his side of the family because they are all nuts and mormon. *shudders* And f-cked up. They all think we should get married and have more babies to pass on our extremely messed up family tree.

 

My parents were married for seventeen years and they hated each other every second of it. They used to get in the gnarliest of fights. For whatever reason they decided to torture each other for almost two decades. My mom finally ended it. My father still won't speak to her if she is in the same room as him. He pretends like she is not there. If she speaks to him, he will remain silent. This is probably the strangest and most f-cked up thing I have ever been forced to witness. Other than the fights.

 

I think my family is the reason I never want to get married. They are also the reason that I do not trust people easily.

[writergal]

My family has never heard of healthy boundaries. I think if they even got a notion that one would be coming their way they would run in the opposite direction. Case in point: My father decided to wait a week to tell me that my grandmother had a heart attack. His defense "I am not the favorite child. She doesn't care about me as much, so I don't care that she had a heart attack. Oops. Sorry, I forgot to tell you when it happened." I am not close to anyone on his side of the family because they are all nuts and mormon. *shudders* And f-cked up. They all think we should get married and have more babies to pass on our extremely messed up family tree.

 

My parents were married for seventeen years and they hated each other every second of it. They used to get in the gnarliest of fights. For whatever reason they decided to torture each other for almost two decades. My mom finally ended it. My father still won't speak to her if she is in the same room as him. He pretends like she is not there. If she speaks to him, he will remain silent. This is probably the strangest and most f-cked up thing I have ever been forced to witness. Other than the fights.

 

I think my family is the reason I never want to get married. They are also the reason that I do not trust people easily.

 

Ergh. No wonder you feel the way you do about marriage and trust in general. I'm sorry that your family is like that but look at the positive side, you're nothing like them! You have enlightenment about your family situation and have no desire to be a part of that muck. So you are already ahead of the game. You can learn to trust people and you don't have to rule marriage of your future either. Don't live your life in absolutes as that is too confining, and can lead you down the wrong pathways.

[darkbloom]

Ergh. No wonder you feel the way you do about marriage and trust in general. I'm sorry that your family is like that but look at the positive side, you're nothing like them! You have enlightenment about your family situation and have no desire to be a part of that muck. So you are already ahead of the game. You can learn to trust people and you don't have to rule marriage of your future either. Don't live your life in absolutes as that is too confining, and can lead you down the wrong pathways.

 

I'm probably just a bit shellshocked from my last breakup. Once I am done healing from that trainwreck I willingly signed up for, I will be alright. I sought a partner who was nothing like my family. I can't tell if he was always a good guy and I turned him into someone like my family or if he was always that way but good at hiding it.

[writergal]

I'm probably just a bit shellshocked from my last breakup. Once I am done healing from that trainwreck I willingly signed up for, I will be alright. I sought a partner who was nothing like my family. I can't tell if he was always a good guy and I turned him into someone like my family or if he was always that way but good at hiding it.

 

Possibly. The more healthy partners you date, the better. It just takes time before you find the right partner.

[darkbloom]

Possibly. The more healthy partners you date, the better. It just takes time before you find the right partner.

 

Hopefully I don't ruin them all first.

[writergal]

Hopefully I don't ruin them all first.

 

Don't view it like that. When a relationship fizzles there's always a logical reason for it (even when that reason is clouded by the physical pain of a broken heart). Each relationship that you have, is gained experience so that when you meet the "right" partner, you'll be ready. That's how life works, I think. When you stay with the wrong partner, that has a domino effect of one bad outcome after another which can last a period of weeks, months or years...however long you choose to stay with the wrong partner. So, when you recognize that you're with the wrong partner, when you initiate the breakup, you will feel empowered because your standards for your well being are higher than they were before. Does that make any sense?

[darkbloom]

Don't view it like that. When a relationship fizzles there's always a logical reason for it (even when that reason is clouded by the physical pain of a broken heart). Each relationship that you have, is gained experience so that when you meet the "right" partner, you'll be ready. That's how life works, I think. When you stay with the wrong partner, that has a domino effect of one bad outcome after another which can last a period of weeks, months or years...however long you choose to stay with the wrong partner. So, when you recognize that you're with the wrong partner, when you initiate the breakup, you will feel empowered because your standards for your well being are higher than they were before. Does that make any sense?

 

It does make sense. I think I'm a freak in that I don't really do relationships well if at all. I will be terminally single.

[writergal]

It does make sense. I think I'm a freak in that I don't really do relationships well if at all. I will be terminally single.

 

There you go again, speaking in absolutes. Break that habit. Speak in less rigid terms and suddenly your life will open up with opportunities. I don't think you are a freak. Based on what you've shared in your thread, I think you come from a highly dysfunctional family background, that has contributed to any issues you have (like with trust) that prevent you from having a truly healthy romantic relationship. I could be wrong. But you are not cursed to be terminally single. No one is unless they want to be.