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My Grandmother has colon cancer


pink_sugar

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So my grandmother was recently diagnosed with colon cancer, which may have spread to her lungs. She is in a very bad spot right now and my brother and his fiance who live there have been helping take care of her throughout the various procedures. She delayed going to the doctor, so she has stage 4 now. My grandmother wants to go to a board and care since she is just so unhappy with her life, but most of my relatives think an in-home care nurse would be better since she doesn't have much financial resources and we all know what old folks homes are like. Anyways, since my grandmother was diagnosed, my bi-polar aunt has been managing her finances...honestly abusing it and spending more than she has and possibly even on herself. Last night, she brought up the board and care to my mom and also wanted her, myself, my brother and my grandfather (my grandmother's ex) to pay $50 a month towards her care. When my mom said none of us are able to help out financially right now, my aunt was like "why can't they help their grandmother who has done a lot for them?!" in a nasty tone. Need I mention that my aunt failed to mention anything about her or her own son contributing financially? Apparently, she thinks they are so entitled that only the rest of us should help, while she and her son are exempt. Both she and my cousin are some of the most spoiled and entitled people I have met. Not only that, but her nasty reaction. My husband and I just got our own apartment and we have our own financial issues we're working on. I am part time and my husband's job is contract. We're trying to eliminate bills, not add to them. I wrote my aunt a message explaining that we are unable to financially contribute at this time due to our own issues and obligations. But this is exactly why my aunt and I haven't gotten along. :mad:

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Sorry to hear that, pink.

 

Can all of you come to a new agreement where the aunt is also contributing? That should lower the contribution needed from the rest of you. And if she is abusing grandma's finances then someone needs to call her on that.

 

Regardless, personally I would pay $50/month instead of make the old lady go to an old folks' home. She doesn't have long left at stage 4, so this won't be permanent. And she would at least have a better end to her life. :(

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I am sorry that your grandmother is sick

 

but,I can't believe you can't squeeze a 50 dollar for a month or two.

 

 

You all should contribute, all of you with no excuses..

 

 

If it were you in trouble, she would have tried to help you with whatever she can..

 

 

I mean if she dies, and you never helped, you will regret it once you are old and nobody helps you, not your own daughter or your own grand kids whom you loved so much!

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The thing is, the contribution she is asking for would be FOR the old folks home because it is $1800 a month. We think she is fit to have an in-home care nurse, which would be significantly cheaper since my grandmother can still get around herself, but would need some help around the house. Money aside, none of us want her to go to the old folks home. Since my husband and I are on our own again, expendable income is pretty tight...especially since he is contract and could be out of a job at any time. He only worked one day this week because of issues with the system at work, so they gave everyone on his shift a week off without pay. We also share a 10 year old car and live in a small one bedroom apartment and both have considerable debts we have to pay off. We used the last of our savings on our move-in deposit a few weeks ago. If we both had stable full time jobs, it would be a different story. :(

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Since its terminal, try hospice. If she is on medicare/medicaid/ they will cover it.

 

Contact the State for Aging, they have some good resources for families who need to make these decisions.

 

I get the financial side, its a roadblock when wanting the best for them.

 

Legally you are not responsible or have much say in her care, Usually the primary care taker or the next of kin ( her -children/spouse) will be held accountable for the financial obligations.

 

So sorry to hear this news....Will keep her in my thoughts.

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I think she is on medicare, but never enrolled in medi-cal at 65 when it was available. We're trying to get her on a state provided program so the bills will be covered as well as other necessities. Thanks for your support. I don't mind grabbing her a meal whenever I visit (I am 2.5 hours away), but at this time adding more monthly financial obligations isn't going to work since we're trying to get rid of a few that we have. Will definitely mention your suggestions, thanks!

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I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It's so sad that when difficult situations arise like this it brings out the worst in families and harsh words are spoken.

 

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Just that I can relate to this situation as I am having a similar one going on in my family. I along with my mom, dad and brother have always been estranged from my dad's side of the family because of years of conflict. But once my grandmother (dads mom) passed away this past October, the bitterness and resentment has come full circle. I was made to feel guilty by my aunt for not coming around and helping out during my grandmothers later years due to a situation outside of my control. I did not have to hear it from her though as I already felt and still do feel guilty enough all by myself.

 

Just know that you are already doing all that you can do and would do more if you were able. You should not be made to feel guilty about that. You and your family are going through a very difficult time at the moment and unfortunately at a time like this things are said that we don't necessarily mean. Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this unfortunate circumstance. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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The thing is, the contribution she is asking for would be FOR the old folks home because it is $1800 a month. We think she is fit to have an in-home care nurse, which would be significantly cheaper since my grandmother can still get around herself, but would need some help around the house. Money aside, none of us want her to go to the old folks home. Since my husband and I are on our own again, expendable income is pretty tight...especially since he is contract and could be out of a job at any time. He only worked one day this week because of issues with the system at work, so they gave everyone on his shift a week off without pay. We also share a 10 year old car and live in a small one bedroom apartment and both have considerable debts we have to pay off. We used the last of our savings on our move-in deposit a few weeks ago. If we both had stable full time jobs, it would be a different story. :(

 

 

Okay then since not one of you, not your mother, not your brother, not your grandfather and not you, can come up with any way to contribute even one cent to your grandma's care then perhaps you should all contribute some time to taking care of her yourselves. All of you get together and put together a schedule where you each take turns going to assist your grandma and your aunt in taking care of her.

 

 

I'm sorry but I have a real problem when a whole family washes their hands of taking care of one it's members but then sit and criticize the only person who is doing anything who happens to be your aunt in this case. You guys want her to take care of everything well you all sit there and judge her and do nothing to help your grandma. If none of you are going to anything to help then none of you are in a position to judge your aunt.

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Pink, I think you should really consider finding room in your budget to chip in the $50 your aunt is asking for. Forget about your personal feelings for your aunt and how entitled and spoiled she is, how unfair you think it is, or her reaction when she was told that no one would help. None of that is relevant at all.

 

Money aside, none of us want her to go to the old folks home.

 

She wants to go. And apparently, she will be able to go if her family lends some support. $50 really isn't that unreasonable. Find a way to make that happen. Pick up extra work, cut down on your expenses, get cheaper phone plans, eat beans and rice, and only pay the monthly minimums on your debts for a while. It's not going to be permanent. If none of that is possible, think about going on public assistance.

 

I think you'll regret not helping out in the small way you're being asked to.

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Pink, I think you should really consider finding room in your budget to chip in the $50 your aunt is asking for. Forget about your personal feelings for your aunt and how entitled and spoiled she is, how unfair you think it is, or her reaction when she was told that no one would help. None of that is relevant at all.

 

 

 

She wants to go. And apparently, she will be able to go if her family lends some support. $50 really isn't that unreasonable. Find a way to make that happen. Pick up extra work, cut down on your expenses, get cheaper phone plans, eat beans and rice, and only pay the monthly minimums on your debts for a while. It's not going to be permanent. If none of that is possible, think about going on public assistance.

 

I think you'll regret not helping out in the small way you're being asked to.

 

With all due respect to the OP, you are not in line or capturing that this lady has recently come back from financial hardships which are still ongoing. Based on this, its disheartening to read your response ridden with guilt. She is not legally responsible for her grandmothers bills, there are programs and options that are available. The grandmother lives 2 hours away. That is too far to expend a day trip on a weekly basis to appease the Aunt. Hospice can tend to this quite easily and at zero cost to the extended family. I'm 100% convinced that the OP has a heart and it doesn't need injured during this family news. I sincerely hope that the Op does find time to visit thru these months yet she is not going to squeeze blood out of a turnip .... There is much that can be done that doesn't require money... a phone call.... a small card to cheer, ... pt being Im sure there are ways to show support without guilt or passing the hat around.

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With all due respect to the OP, you are not in line or capturing that this lady has recently come back from financial hardships which are still ongoing. Based on this, its disheartening to read your response ridden with guilt. She is not legally responsible for her grandmothers bills, there are programs and options that are available. The grandmother lives 2 hours away. That is too far to expend a day trip on a weekly basis to appease the Aunt. Hospice can tend to this quite easily and at zero cost to the extended family. I'm 100% convinced that the OP has a heart and it doesn't need injured during this family news. I sincerely hope that the Op does find time to visit thru these months yet she is not going to squeeze blood out of a turnip .... There is much that can be done that doesn't require money... a phone call.... a small card to cheer, ... pt being Im sure there are ways to show support without guilt or passing the hat around.

 

You must have mistaken me for someone else. I don't think I did any of the things you've accused me of.

 

Pink, if I've offended you in any way with my response, please let me know and I will apologize. I'm familiar with you and I know you're perfectly capable of standing up for yourself if you want to.

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My best advice, as a past caregiver, care manager (in the legal sense) and having dealt with family dynamics, is to focus on grandma and leave the family infighting off to the side. Do what you can do within your means and current circumstances and make sure grandma gets some regular face time.

 

IME, that was the biggest disappointment in the family dynamics department. Relatives had no shortages of opinions but were always short on time to visit the crazy person. Time was also the thing most often noted by the paid professionals, in that many residents hadn't had family or friend visitors for weeks, months, even years. They were forgotten.

 

Time is what we have and none of us is immortal so make the time count. Hopefully grandma's fate will be peaceful and the family issues will resolve, or at least be declared resolved while grandma is alive, for her sake. Best wishes and my sympathies.

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passingbreeze

Pink Sugar, I hope you return and tell us how your grandmother is doing? With Stage 4 cancer, she will likely not live much longer than a month. Your aunt appears to be the only one who is trying to take charge and do something about this sad situation, so please give her credit for trying. I would suggest that she go to the bank ASAP, and get a loan for the amount it would cost for a one month stay at the convalescent hospital, or a live-in hospice facility for your grandmother. (It's insulting to use the term "old folks home"). Your grandmother does not want to die at home, so please give her the respect she deserves, and let her go where she wants to go. After she is in a safe place, away from the family, your Aunt can contact Medicare, and they will reimburse her for a certain amount of the cost of the hospital. If she lives longer than a month, Medicare will cover most. Hospice is free. After she dies, your aunt can collect the remaining money owed on the loan, from all members of the family. (She will play Hell trying to get it out of most of you, so I wish her luck.)

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