My cousin and I have a bad relationship

[amkxoxo]

I have a horrible relationship with my cousin. I’m so awkward. She is a year and a half older than me. We lead two totally separate lives. Our families are so close, and I love my aunt and uncle, and cousins, but she and I never forged the relationship I wish we had. As kids growing up, we were together all the time. We went to the same school, wore matching outfits, and I looked up to her. I thought she was like my best friend. But as we got older, we started drifting apart. I felt like everything started becoming like a competition. We started going to different schools, and she began having a young social life. Suddenly family parties started becoming friend parties. Two or three of her friends would be there for birthdays and I felt left out. It got to the point where they would go off and hang out together and I would cling to my mother. It just wasn’t my way. I was always one to be invited. I was shy. My aunt and uncle promoted my cousins social life. I wasn’t the type to be the stupid younger kid trying to follow around the older kids. My aunt and uncle talked to my parents about it, my parents claiming that I felt left out, and my aunt and uncle claiming that I needed to join more. My cousin made it clear that she didn’t mind me hanging out with my friends, but every time I tried to join them I just felt like I was following them around and I didn’t know what they were talking about because they were such close friends.

 

This was also when our mutual grandmother was alive and doted on all of her grandchildren. My grandmother would bring us all presents on certain occasions and, even this became a competition. My aunt would rush over to my grandmothers housed with her kids, so they could pick the best presents. My grandmother showed no favoritism, but my aunt wanted her kids to have better than my brother and I, and we had to deal with what we got, which was always the short end of the stick.

 

When my cousin would talk to me I felt like she was fake. She would say “so how’s life?” and when I would get excited and start talking about it, I would feel like she didn’t care. She wasn’t listening. My cousin started to like attention. At parties should would have to tell everyone about a funny something that happened to her the other day. Something so minimal would be made into a big charade. My aunt promoted this. She would talk my cousin up to everyone. I was not raised this way. I like attention, but I am humble. I did activities where I was recognized for doing well. I won trophies and medals. My mom would insist on showing them off for me. My family would be so happy for me, but then of course my cousin would have some funny story to share that was no big deal, or she did some activity that they talked up to be something way bigger than it was. I did better in school than her. They would try and say that her school has more difficult classes, but in the end, I went to a better university and did overall better than her. I think my aunt and uncle may be a little jealous. Even recently I was dating someone from an Ivy League school. My uncle was asking me all about him and how I met him. My uncle seemed super impressed and shocked. But to me, I didn’t care that he went to that school, I liked him because he was a nice guy. It’s nice to meet a smart and stable guy, but I have dated great guys who worked at Wal-Mart. My uncle was displeased when my cousin was dating someone who did construction. They would complain about my cousin making more than him, and how he didn’t have any education. My cousin loved him. He was a nice, down to earth guy. My family liked him. They recently broke up and my uncle could not be happier.

 

We go on a family week long vacation every year together. When my cousin and I were younger we used to play, talk, swim, and coordinate outfits. After a while she stopped wanting to swim, and she just liked to sit and read in the sun, or exercise. I was not interested in any of this, but she never tried to do something we could do together. On vacations she does what she wants to do and does stuff with her brothers, if they have a mutual interest in something. She tries to get people attention by dropping to the floor and showing us how many push ups she can do, or walking like a model in a new outfit she bought. My aunt feeds right into it, calling her a celebrity and trying to get other people to dote on her too. I know not to feed into her attention scheme. I often ignore her, act like it’s not big deal, or just give in and tell her she’s great. My aunt will carry on for days, talking about her amazing 30 pushups like it’s the most amazing thing. I am not like this. I like attention, but I don’t carry on and try and get people to dote on me for stupid stuff.

 

At family functions my cousin and I barely talk. I don’t know what to say to her. We make small talk sometimes, or avoid each other altogether. My brother gets along with her, but I don’t. I want to have a close relationship with her, but she has so many friends. She never makes time for me in her life, so I do not make time for her. I went to university and created my own life and friends. She has come down to my school before, but I just feel like she would rather be with her friends. When he friends are at functions with us, I don’t know what to say to them either. I feel like I almost have so much spite towards them from when we were younger. They got close to my cousin and took her away from me. They are nice girls, but I feel like they don’t care about me, just like my cousin doesn’t care about me. I have a decent amount of friends I met in college, and I get along with them great, so I know that I can make friends and talk to people. I worked in retail for years and I loved talking to people. I liked meeting new people at the store and being social.

 

What got me all freaked out by my relationship with my cousin was that a family member of ours got sick. Life is too short and my cousin and I should be closer than we are. My aunt agrees with this and she wants her and my cousin to go on a weekend trip with my mom and I. I loved the idea, hoping that we would all have time to bond, but then my aunt said how my cousins two girlfriends want to come too. That just ruined it for me. I don’t even want to go, because why would my cousin want to hang out with me, when her two best friends will be there. My mom will push me to hang out and talk to them, but they will talk about stuff I don’t know about, and I will feel left out. I like to be asked to do things. I like to feel appreciated as a person. I don’t have that many issues with this with my friends, but with my cousin, I do.

 

I want to have a relationship with her. I know we must have common ground, but I don’t know what to do to make this work. I don’t know how she and I can repair the long standing damage that has been done. I want to try. I am afraid.

[GoBlue]

I want to have a relationship with her. I know we must have common ground, but I don’t know what to do to make this work. I don’t know how she and I can repair the long standing damage that has been done. I want to try. I am afraid.

 

I honestly read every word of this post and don't understand what "long standing damage" you refer to. It is not uncommon for cousins to be close and it's not all that uncommon for cousins not to be close. It doesn't sound like you ever really communicated your heart to your cousin and it sounds like she simply developed other friendships. It almost sounds like you think she has intentionally tried to hurt you.

 

The answer here may be that you need to acknowledge your differences and understand that a relationship as close as you want may not happen. It doesn't mean you have to be adversaries or that you can't talk and hangout when your families are together, but not every cousin also becomes a great friend. Maybe another option is to put more effort into fitting into her circle instead of outlining every reason that you aren't like her. How old are the two of you?

[Sugarkane]

I always wished my extended family was closer and that I went to school with them. I envy other cultures that do. My cousins live far away so I don't get to see them much.

[stillafool]

It is not unusual for cousins to grow apart especially when one is a little older than the other. I don't understand why you can't bring some of your own friends along to these get togethers. I have 8 female cousins and when we were young one of them was the beauty of our family. She's was so pretty she didn't even look real. Yes, she got all the glory at our get togethers. She was always embarassed by all the attention. Some of my cousins would bring their friends to our get togethers but so did I as well as the others. It's not uncommon to grow apart and mingle with others as we age. It is actually healthy. I think you are expecting too much from your cousin. I can't understand why you are upset that her parents brag on her. Most parents do brag on their kids. I can also understand why your uncle wants his daughter to marry a successful man as most parents want that for their daughters. I think you need to have your own friends and not worry so much about your cousin and her life.

[amkxoxo]

I think my words and what is actually going on is getting twisted. My aunt makes comments to other people saying how beautiful she is, when its not even called for. Like one time my aunt was telling me how beautiful she was and she is like a model and then she comes out of her daze and looks at me and sees my face and goes "Oh and your pretty too, your face is so pretty."

 

She clearly lied to me to make up for her boastful manner. Or my aunt will take funny staged pictures of her and be sending them to friends and family. My parents tell me I look good when I do and bad when I look bad. They don't need to overly inflate my ego.

 

Every parent does want their child to marry someone successful, its the context in which it is done. My cousins old boyfriend didn't go to college but worked very hard. He was a down to earth guy who was happy living the simple life. He was happy being at home with my cousin watching movies and going out walking their dog together. My cousin loved him for years. My uncle would always make back handed comments about his work ethic and how he can't support her financially. But she loved him. My parents wouldn't care if I fell in love with a garbage man as long as I loved him and he treated me right. My aunt and uncle were not happy that she didn't have a more lavish life and that is wrong. She loved this guy. They would try and talk her relationship up and talk my cousins own job up, when it was not a great money making job.

 

My cousin is now back in school, not for a higher degree but for the same degree she already has, but a different topic. My cousin isn't becoming some mad scientist or engineer who makes a lot of money. Her field makes decent money but nothing super outrageous. The other day my grandfather was saying how when my cousin graduates she will be making over 100,000 dollars annually. I looked at him confused. I work with a Career Company online and I know what people make. I told my grandfather that she won't be making anything close to that. And he said "well that's what your aunt said"

 

Its all based on lies and ego.

[amaysngrace]

Cousins always ditch each other when their friends show up. They only hang out with their cousins because there's no other option.

[stillafool]

So what? That's their and your cousins problem not yours. They are obviously (like alot of parents) obsessed with their pretty daughter. I don't know why it bothers you that they talk up their daughter. Just be happy that you have the parents you want. Just take everything they say with a grain of salt and go about your business. So it's not your cousin you have a problem with it's her parents? Maybe you shouldn't hang around them so much since you obviously can't stand them.

[anika99]

I read your other thread where you also talked about your cousin and your aunt and this is just more of the same.

 

 

Your aunt is obviously very proud of her daughter and nothing is going to change that. She likes to boast about her daughter and while I understand how that can become irritating it really has nothing to do with you and I don't get why you are so wrapped up in your aunts feelings and behavior towards her own daughter. It's like you are a jealous sibling, but your cousin is not your sibling and your aunt is not your mother so her bragging about her daughter shouldn't be such a personal insult to you. You have a mother that loves you so why care so much what someone else's mother is doing?

 

 

I am not close to my cousins. There is a big age difference so we have very little in common. It would be ridiculous for me to think we could be best friends when we share so little of the same things in life. It is kind of normal for young people to sometimes become closer to their friends than their family. Our friends are people we pick based on our mutual interests and personalities so of course we have a lot of common ground and we can grow and discover new things about ourselves with our friends whereas sometimes our families keep us in a box and stifle us. I think perhaps it's time for you to let go of your expectations of your family a little bit and start looking outside of them for happiness and fulfillment. Instead of being upset about your cousin wanting to hang out with her friends (which is perfectly normal in my opinion) just go out and find your own friends and hang out with them.

 

 

I think you need to stop expecting your cousin to be close to you. She obviously doesn't have the same desire and you can't force a close relationship with someone. Let her go and do her thing and you do your thing. Life is funny and sometime down the road certain events may happen that will bring you two closer together but right now you need to let it go.

 

 

I have a friend that I met 35yrs ago when we were children. All through school we were best friends and did everything together but when we grew up our lives became different and we spent some years going in our separate directions. We stayed in touch but only superficially because we were just busy with our own things and no longer had so many similar interests to bond over. Then as the years went by we became close again. Now she has moved far away but she will always be a special person in my life and one of the reasons I think our friendship survived is because we always gave each other the freedom to live our own lives without making the other feel guilty or like they owed something. We could go months, sometimes even a couple of years, without seeing each other and then when we would we would be so happy to see each other. There has never been any strings or demands attached to our relationship. We always welcome each other with open arms.

 

 

Just let your cousin be who she is and you be who you are. If you think you will be the odd man out at gatherings because she will bring friends why not invite a friend or two of your own?