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19 yr old son and sensitive situation


threngia730wmn

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threngia730wmn

I have a 24-year-old daughter, Tanya and a 19-year-old son, John - names changed for their privacy.

Our daughter moved away from home, but our son still lives with us.

He goes to college, it's a bit of a drive but not too far.

 

They're both doing well, and I'm proud of them. So, why am I here you might ask? If they're doing well, what's the problem?

 

Well, on Tuesday night about 8pm I found out that my son likes wearing bikinis and bellyshirts, I caught him watching the NFL on YouTube sitting wearing a tiny croptop/sports bra - it had an Adidas logo on it, and some hotpants.

 

I asked him what the hell was going on, and he said "Oh it's cool, Mom, I'm not looking at porn, it's the NFL, an archive game."

 

I said to him that it wasn't what he was doing on the computer that was the issue, it was his attire, I asked him where he got the clothes from, he said he'd bought them at a local thrift store, said they were unworn, and down to $5 each.

 

He told me he felt comfortable in sports bras, hotpants, bellyshirts, crop tops, bikinis and booty shorts, said that he's not gay, and told me that I shouldn't think he is, he also said he wasn't metrosexual, he was just being himself. He then said "If I was dressed up in a rock music T-shirt and jeans, you'd have no problem with it, why the hate for me in a sports bra?".

 

He also said he wanted to wear them in public with us, but was worried about people's reactions, and said he doesn't want a sex change, but does want to live as his alter-ego Kayla semi-permanently where possible, without needing sex-change surgery. He actually asked us to refer to him as Kayla, rather than John, from now on. He then went on to explain to us about his idols who are Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift and Camilla Luddington (he loves Grey's Anatomy).

 

He also told us his interests wouldn't change - he likes "macho" things like cars, into his Motor Trend/Car & Driver and NASCAR, NFL etc. but he also does have a sensitive side too.

 

Next he told us that we can't tell Tanya, he worries she'd go mad if she found out.

 

He also told us he's attracted only to women, he isn't gay.

 

It's not hate that I have, it's just the worry of him getting bullied or beaten up for it.

 

I consider myself open-minded, but isn't it easier usually to accept it when it's someone else rather than your own son or daughter?

 

Me and my husband are a little bit concerned, not in a negative way, just a parental love kind of way.

 

As for him wanting to be Kayla semi-permanently, how should we react to that?

 

I want help on coping with this issue, as it's a sensitive one for all of us.

 

Apologies if this is a bit long, trying to explain everything and it's only been 2 days since he told us this.

 

I will try and explain more if you need to; I'm trying to adjust to things.

 

BTW, I am here in the U.S. just for geographic relevance; over on the East Coast, if that's relevant.

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eye of the storm

Google PFLAG.

 

You son may just be a cross dresser or he may be transgender. But PFLAG will be a great support group for you.

 

Just remember, you son is the same kid now that he was 2 weeks ago before you knew all this. It shows how much he trusts and loves you that he allowed you in and talked to you about this. It means he feels accepted and safe.

 

Good luck

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People will bully him and make fun of him and at this sensitive age

 

this will affect his grade, his success, and his chances of getting good jobs

 

 

 

The world is not beautiful and colorful

 

It's ugly

 

 

And it treats people who are different with utter ugliness

 

 

Tell your boy that you accept him as who he is, but he can wear these clothes on certain events ( they have events where they can cross dress)

 

not all the time, because it won't be practical

 

He can still be kalya while wearing pants and shirts

 

I mean he can still wear pink shirt and purple pants

 

it doesn't have to be a bikini

 

 

Tell him to change things gradually

 

Extreme change can't be welcomed easily

 

Tell him to change gradually better than abruptly and see how it goes..

 

 

I hope he understand this as coming from a loving mother not a controlling mother!

Edited by Noproblem
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I think you are quite right that to most people, it's easier to accept someone else being different who isn't a close relative, because it won't impact your daily day in any direct way.

 

The good thing is that he feels comfortable enough to express his feelings and views and he actually does have a point. Most people wouldn't say or consider mentioning his outfit, if say he was indeed wearing a rock music T-shirt and jeans. This is because for whatever reason, this is the social norm and what has been accepted almost world wide. I know this will get the "fashion police" come chasing me, but I quite frankly could not care less what other people wear or feel comfortable in. If it was up to me, I'd want people to dress up in whichever way they wanted without the fear of having to deal with the rest of the world.

 

Unfortunately like mentioned, the world we currently live in, no matter where or how modern or tolerant a location you reside, there will always be people bullying and in even worse case perform some sort of hate crime that can get you seriously injured. He does seem sensible and like you said he is doing well, but he may or may not be fully aware of all the consequences for wearing such clothes in public.

 

I think it's vital you support his choice and do show interest in it. He may be anything mentioned by above posters, but he more than likely is also in an exploration stage, and considering all the different types of people we have today, it can be really hard to call him either or. I think in today's world a lot of sexualities and preferences are mixing up more than ever, compared to say if you go back even just 10-15 years. This of course is being received widely different by everyone, but in no way does it actually surprise me. It just seems like a lot of people are either a bit unsure of what to do, feel or think in general, and especially with so many sources of inspiration and input these days too.

 

I'm sure you and your husband will be trying to process all of this for a good while, at least you are open minded which is one of the most valuable traits anyone can have in my humble opinion. As with most things that lead to success, communication is key. You only get to understand your son by talking to him, at some point he will have to confront his sister too, if this is something he really feel is a big part of him and it's here to stay.

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SincereOnlineGuy

OP,

 

Your post seems about as well-conceived and 'fair' as anyone could expect from a parent reporting this scenario at Loveshack.

 

That your son seems comfortable-enough with talking to his parents about his liking for female clothing, suggests that he is well-adjusted enough. I understand your urge to know more, and to predict/anticipate the future (once a few more seconds go by), but what if you can't clearly envision the future anytime soon?

 

It seems you've done a reasonable job getting him to and through this point in his life, and perhaps you retain the patience to just wait, and understand, when he's ready to figure it all out for the long haul.

 

"John" seems comfortable enough with you, and with that I'm sure he would tell you if his interests trended toward having sex with men, OR toward becoming a woman.

 

Hopefully you can somehow pause yourself and your impulses at this point to merely keep the communication lines open for a point in time where John knows more than he's figured out thus far.

 

 

Maybe consider yourself blessed for being near enough to 'harmony' with your kids.

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Sounds just like a cross-dresser. He has masculine interests but he feels more himself in some (sort of) feminine sports clothing, admittedly a little different than many cross-dressers who go full-bore dresses, etc.

 

I had a cross-dresser friend/business associate who came out to me. He was not gay either. But he was maladjusted about romance, and had been hung up on the only girlfriend he'd ever had, who he eventually walked in on with another man. But he wasn't dating women after that, though he cultivated female friends, myself among them. I think he really liked a sporty girl in our office as well, but I guess because of his cross-dressing, he didn't feel comfortable being sexy unless he was cross-dressed. Now, that doesn't mean your boy will be exactly the same way and need that to feel sexy. If he's been dating and seems not to struggle with dating, then he may not be as dictated by it as my friend was. My friend searched for women who would be accepting of it. My friend was also a sports nut and also played guitar and was an executive in his field. Like your boy, my friend, once he came out to me, told me his alter ego name, but he didn't demand I call him that.

 

My friend's biggest issue was of course needing that to feel sexy and "like himself." He blossomed when dressing up. There's a town called Provincetown, I think it is, that was then a hub for alternative lifestyles like this and he went there to be himself and feel sexy. Again, not everyone is the same.

 

A friend of mine's first husband was an Austin nuevo hippie type. I liked him, knew him for years. Laid back, unambitious to a fault. Long hair, but then lots of that town was like that, so it didn't seem related. I found out years after her divorce that he would quietly put on her underwear at times. She didn't make any issue out of it, and it didn't affect him other ways. He didn't require it to be sexy or want to do it full time. It was for him, I guess, a fetish. But it was still cross-dressing. Just not as all-encompassing and it wasn't his identity.

 

All you can do is support your boy. I know it's a shock. But the greatest love you can give him is for you both to support him now. If he says he's straight at 19, he probably is. A cross-dresser is different than a drag queen, who I'd say are gay, at least the ones I've encountered. I know they look alike, but they're not.

 

My friend, the first one I wrote about, put himself into therapy and it was through therapy that he was able to come out to a small circle of friends. It would probably benefit your boy to have someone to bounce all this off of, but you cannot make it seem like you're trying to "fix" him or that he's broken. You can ask if he feels he needs someone to talk to who isn't emotionally involved. But your support, as challenging as I know it will be for you, will be much appreciated.

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It sounds like there is a lot of trust between you and your son, and that is a very good thing. Keep those communication lines open.

 

I think that it is also very natural and understandable that you have concerns. It doesn't make you a hater, or prejudiced, or phobic; it makes you human and honest.

 

I would think the best thing to do for your son is be there and love him.

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I agree with Stalwart - ideally people should be able to wear whatever they want (barring attire with explicit hate speech written on it) and it should be no one's damn business. Sadly, we don't live in such a world.

 

So I can definitely understand your concern. You worry that he will be discriminated against, bullied, ostracized. And that's a valid worry. But given that he's 19 and not 9, I think that the best way you can help him through this is to let him know your concerns, but remain supportive. Don't try to 'forbid' him from wearing what he wants, as that will just lead to him doing it anyway but not talking to you about it.

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You might want to watch

 

Princess Jellyfish

 

On netflix to understand you son

 

 

It's a really beautiful anime series

 

the guy in the show might be similar to your son

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