My Stepdaughter is suicidal

[violet1]

My H and I have been together 12 years. We found out about his oldest child when she was 4 years old. We've had custody of her for about 3 years because she was having a lot of problems with her mother.

 

 

Last year her mother passed away and their relationship was in a horrible state at the time. My SD is 15 years old and of course she didn't take the death of her mom well. She feels a lot of guilt and blames herself because her last words to mom were "I hate you". We've had her in therapy and on medication. She also meets with her school counselor on a regular basis.

 

 

Recently was the 1 year anniversary of her mom's death. It was a hard week but we made it through. She seemed happy lately. Laughing a lot, hanging out with friends. We thought she was okay. Well...we found out yesterday that she's been suicidal for a long time and found cut marks on her wrists. We had no idea she was suicidal. She faked it so well. She had a major breakdown and we took her to the emergency room. She's hospitalized right now. I don't know when she can come home.

 

 

I'm devastated! She lives with us. How could not know? How do I handle this? I'm so worried and I can't stop crying. I have been around her for a very long time. She's like a daughter to me and I had a decent relationship with her mother. She respected me for loving her daughter. Their issues had nothing to do with my H or I.

[evanescentworld]

I think you need to push for family counselling with a bereavement specialist or child psychologist.

 

And please, stop blaming yourself.

You're not trained, qualified or experienced in seeing things like this.

 

And even those who are often fail to read any signs at all.

 

Just love her unconditionally.

That doesn't mean smothering her, it can mean giving her a bit of a kick up the backside, as appropriate.

 

But channel your emotions to finding some kind of resolution for you all, to this.

 

How's your husband - her father - reacting to this?

[violet1]

She's currently in a psychiatric hospital right now. We need to find out what treatment is going to best for her. This is pretty fresh, not even 24 hours yet.

 

 

H is also devastated. Sorry, I should have written *we* are devastated, not I'm devastated. I can't sleep so I'm out of it. He rarely cries and he cried and had a little breakdown. Neither one of us know how to act. She was like a complete different person. We have never seen her act like that. She kept saying she wants to die and be with her mother. I think we are both in shock. Absolutely no signs of suicidal tendencies. Her therapist said her emotions were normal considering her circumstances. SD also said she would never hurt herself. It's hard to process it all right now.

[evanescentworld]

As I said, push them for counselling - joint counselling, so you can all express yourselves freely and constructively, and see a way through this mess.....

 

You all need professional guidance.

This is far too big an issue for you all to deal with by yourselves, and frankly, I will now presume the Hospital will not only also see this, but may well offer or suggest some kind of support.

 

Facile as it may sound, try to find the occasional 10 minutes to lie down, relax, got through a body check (head to toe, looking for muscular stress or tension, and release it) close your eyes and belly-breathe. A good few deep breaths right down into your tummy, held for a count of five and released in a count of 8.....

 

Try to just focus on the sensations of your body while you breathe; feel your clothing against your skin, the heaviness of your body on the place you're lying.... Just retreat into yourself for a short while, give yourself little bit of time....

 

Just let go.

 

It will help, I promise.

 

I wish you well, and send much metta to both you and your SD.

 

Keep us posted, ok?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am very sorry to read about your situation.....I am afraid I dont have a whole lot of advice to offer but i can tell you about my granddaughter.

 

When she was 13....she had misbehaved and her mom...my daughter....was reading her the riot act. My granddaughter...who tends to be a bit of a drama queen...ran downstairs and grabbed a knife and said she was going to kill herself.

 

My daughter called 911....they took my Granddaughter to a hospital and put her in a place where she could get the help she needed. They diagnosed her as bipolar..and she takes medication and visits a therapist and a psychologists on a regular basis. She is now 16.

 

On rare occasion, she still has a bit of a meltdown...but she seems to be happy most of the time.

 

I share this to give you hope....as a grandmother who stood by and watched what happened...I felt helpless. I have no say in the matter....

I was frightened and scared. So i understand what you are experiencing right now.

 

I will keep your family in my prayers. Thank you for sharing with us....I know that was not an easy thing to do.

[amaysngrace]

I'm very sorry to read your story.

 

It's not your fault that she kept this hidden from you. You aren't a mindreader. What matters most is that once you found out you took her to get the help she needs and are keeping her safe.

 

My heart goes out to all of you right now. xo

[CarrieT]

Violet, how ironic..

 

I spent last night bringing MY stepdaughter to the hospital as well. In California we call it 5150 where they are mandated to keep her for at least three days.

 

Actually, our first time occurred in December and as she had a second breakdown, this time it will be at least a week in the psych ward.

 

My husband and I have had no sleep and he is heartbroken as his daughter is his truly his favorite. There will be lots of family therapy and personal therapy and we can't leave her alone.

 

I know what you are going through...

[hopeful4someday]

Try not to beat yourself up about it. I went through a lot as a teen myself, including what it sounds like your SD is going through. My parents didn't know because I didn't want them to know and I am guessing it is the same with her. It is stigmatizing to come out and admit that you are struggling. Kids are afraid that it will affect their futures, that they'll get in trouble, that they'll get labeled, that they'll get hospitalized. And it's easy enough to just pretend that it isn't happening. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

Just try and act normal when she comes home. Don't act weird towards her or withdraw your trust of her because you're scared. She LET you find out about this. She wanted you to know. She's probably nervous about coming home too. Try to build a supportive and open environment and please don't blame her for doing anything wrong (sometimes parents do and it's really counterproductive). She's just hurting and doesn't have a better way to deal with those feelings yet.

 

As far as counselors, it sounds like the ones she is working with might not be the best but she would have to tell you how it's going. As someone who has met with my share of counselors, I can say with complete certainly that 80%+ of them sucked, did not relate to what was going on, and did not help me in any way. I know people in the psych field mean well, but oftentimes they have no idea what's going on with someone else and it shows. But finding the 20% that were insightful was worth it. You could ask her what she thinks - if she thinks seeing someone new might be more beneficial. If she likes the person she has, she should probably stay put. Just take it one day at a time. You'll get through this.

[evanescentworld]

Violet, how ironic..

 

I spent last night bringing MY stepdaughter to the hospital as well. In California we call it 5150 where they are mandated to keep her for at least three days.

 

Actually, our first time occurred in December and as she had a second breakdown, this time it will be at least a week in the psych ward.

 

My husband and I have had no sleep and he is heartbroken as his daughter is his truly his favorite. There will be lots of family therapy and personal therapy and we can't leave her alone.

 

I know what you are going through...

 

CarrieT, I'm so sorry..... My deepest heartfelt sentiments to you and your H, and his daughter.

I can't imagine what you folks are all going through....

[myheartaches]

I'm really glad that you brought her to the hospital. That was very smart of you. My brother was 15 when he overdosed on his antidepressants. He said he wasn't trying to fill himself, he just wanted to feel better. He still got put into the adolescent psych ward. He was in there for two weeks. I think it really did help him. It's really rough for your SD right now, so it's never good to just see if things get better.

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

Focus on the positives now rather than the recent past, coulda shoulda woulda.

 

Now you all know what is going on, that's a plus. She's getting help, being assessed and will probably be put on some meds and have counseling to help her. That's a huge plus.

 

Both you and your husband can support her now, it's out in the open.

 

Don't blame yourself because those who suffer from depression and are suicidal DO know how to hide it well and fake it. Beating up on yourselves serves no purpose and your daughter (step daughter) needs you both to be her rock and feel safe.

[preraph]

I agree with evanescentworld that family, not just her individual, counseling is imperative here. When one family member has an issue, it's the issue of the whole family.

[xxoo]

Violet, Carrie....my heart goes out to both of you for what you're going through now.

 

Mrs. Adams, thank you for sharing that story with a positive outcome. I wish your granddaughter continued good health.

 

I was the depressed teen, so I know that side. I didn't get help until I was 18, way past when I should have. My parents missed a lot of signs. But I don't blame them for that. I'm a parent of a teen now, and I'm certain I would not do much better if I had to walk in their (your) shoes.

 

You are doing the best you can. Now that you know, you are getting her help. I don't have much to add other than my encouragement, and hope that you aren't too hard on yourselves for missing signs. Parenting a teen is difficult in the best of circumstances, and none of us always knows the right thing to do.

 

My best wishes for all the teens and parents and grandparents

[violet1]

Violet, how ironic..

 

I spent last night bringing MY stepdaughter to the hospital as well. In California we call it 5150 where they are mandated to keep her for at least three days.

 

Actually, our first time occurred in December and as she had a second breakdown, this time it will be at least a week in the psych ward.

 

My husband and I have had no sleep and he is heartbroken as his daughter is his truly his favorite. There will be lots of family therapy and personal therapy and we can't leave her alone.

 

I know what you are going through...

This has been horrible. My heart goes out to you and your family. We were up all night. We found out on accident. She told another kid that she was suicidal and child services came to our house. We confronted my SD, she started crying and freaking out. My H made her show him her wrists and there were cut marks. She started hyperventilating and we took her to the ER. I had to sit in the back seat and hold onto her because she tried to jump out of the car while H was driving. She kept screaming to let her go so she can be with her mom.

 

 

My H and I both broke into tears this morning. We both feel so stupid. We don't know how we didn't see any signs. Thankfully she told someone though.

[evanescentworld]

This has been horrible. My heart goes out to you and your family. We were up all night. We found out on accident. She told another kid that she was suicidal and child services came to our house. We confronted my SD, she started crying and freaking out. My H made her show him her wrists and there were cut marks. She started hyperventilating and we took her to the ER. I had to sit in the back seat and hold onto her because she tried to jump out of the car while H was driving. She kept screaming to let her go so she can be with her mom.

 

 

 

My H and I both broke into tears this morning. We both feel so stupid. We don't know how we didn't see any signs. Thankfully she told someone though.

 

Oh please, please don't think that way...

Rather, thank the stars that she has you and your H tp care and be there for her...

I can't begin to imagine how dreadful things would be if she didn't have you both to care for her so much.

 

My heart truly goes out to you, (and to CarrieT of course) because it is as plain as a pikestaff just how much you love your girls.

[Quiet Storm]

So sorry for what you are going through. My sister has had multiple suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I suggest asking her docs about DBT therapy.

 

The best advice I can give is to get her as much help as possible now, while she is under 18. Once she is a legal adult, it is much more difficult to force treatment, and she will be able to exclude her parents from talking to her doctors, knowing what meds she's on, etc. You have a lot of control over her treatment now, so make sure you take advantage of that.

 

Also, she needs help with her coping skills. She needs positive activities, hobbies, sports, music, art, etc., and she needs to learn to refocus those dark, self destructive thoughts to something positive. She needs a clear plan, like "when I'm upset, I'll go for a run instead of cutting". If you see her getting frustrated or sad, don't freak out with worry, just remind her of positive ways to cope.

[amaysngrace]

Hi Violet and Carrie T

 

My daughter has been going through this too for the past two years. Two in-patient stays, Homebound online schooling, a summer day program, ongoing counseling and meds. She is 16.

 

Please have them check your girls for any vitamin deficiencies and hormone imbalances.

 

My daughter runs low on vitamin D which can cause depression. She is now on BC pills with a manipulated period and only bleeds once every three months. The difference in her not having to fluctuate in hormone levels every month has been remarkable.

 

There are so many things that can play into depression. Even social networking can be a stressor for kids these days. I suggest you both keep a closer watch on what they are up to online.

 

The internet can be a dark place sometimes.

 

Hang in there, ladies. I know how rough it can be but things will get better. I know it doesn't feel that way right now and you each have a long road ahead of you, I'm not going to lie, but I believe you are both more than able to handle the challenge. xo

[violet1]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. We're definitely going to look into family therapy. Things are worse than we thought. My stepdaughter has also had issues with lying since we met her at 4 years old. We always made her face the consequences and I thought she was growing out of it. I was wrong! She spewing all types of lies to the therapist at this psychiatric ward. I don't know what to do. She's been so good at faking everything, I don't know how we'll be able to trust her again. How do you deal with a teenager that has become a compulsive liar? I'm trying not to be angry because that won't help anything, but I'm struggling. My H is absolutely heartbroken over these lies. Uggghhh...

[violet1]

Hi Violet and Carrie T

 

My daughter has been going through this too for the past two years. Two in-patient stays, Homebound online schooling, a summer day program, ongoing counseling and meds. She is 16.

 

Please have them check your girls for any vitamin deficiencies and hormone imbalances.

 

My daughter runs low on vitamin D which can cause depression. She is now on BC pills with a manipulated period and only bleeds once every three months. The difference in her not having to fluctuate in hormone levels every month has been remarkable.

 

There are so many things that can play into depression. Even social networking can be a stressor for kids these days. I suggest you both keep a closer watch on what they are up to online.

 

The internet can be a dark place sometimes.

 

Hang in there, ladies. I know how rough it can be but things will get better. I know it doesn't feel that way right now and you each have a long road ahead of you, I'm not going to lie, but I believe you are both more than able to handle the challenge. xo

I'm so lost and worried. At this point I'm just hoping we can get her through high school without getting pregnant. She's extremely boy crazy. She's not had sex or a boyfriend, but she's become obsessed with finding a boyfriend lately. I think she's seeking attention. Anytime a guy seems to like her, she automatically likes him. I'm definitely getting her on BC and soon as she gets home. Her periods are a mess anyway so the BC will help regulate her.

[evanescentworld]

This needs bringing up in counselling. It's an irrational and obsessive desire, and as you say, I'm sure there are hidden deeper issues playing into this....

 

Thinking of you....

 

(((hugs)))

[Mrs. John Adams]

The truth will come out in the end....my heart just breaks for you!

 

Hang strong!

[CarrieT]

Violet - I am not sure if this is of any help (because every person is different), but I was your stepdaughter. And it is how I have been able to help my own stepdaughter...

 

I was molested and raped a number of times as an adolescent and pre-teen and it subsequently caused me to go through those teenage years as rebellious as I could; I lied, I cheated, I was *very* promiscuous (and, yes, had an abortion when I was 16). I remember my parents trying to find someone to take me because they couldn't handle it anymore.

 

I am very fortunate that my new husband understands my history but has also seen how that turbulent past shaped the person I am today (thankfully, my suicide attempts did not succeed). With my own stepdaughter, I am able to be frank with her and let her know that the pain and anguish she is feeling right now Does Not Last.

 

That is the critical message I have been trying to relay. As much pain as our stepdaughters are experiencing right now, they can't see that the pain and trauma WILL end. It is a matter of patience for all of us.

 

You may not be able to trust her now - and maybe not for several years. But she will see the other side of it when she reaches full adulthood (usually late 20s/early 30s.) She is lying for a reason and part of therapy will be figuring out her inner demons and helping her through it.

 

Good luck...

[amaysngrace]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. We're definitely going to look into family therapy. Things are worse than we thought. My stepdaughter has also had issues with lying since we met her at 4 years old. We always made her face the consequences and I thought she was growing out of it. I was wrong! She spewing all types of lies to the therapist at this psychiatric ward. I don't know what to do. She's been so good at faking everything, I don't know how we'll be able to trust her again. How do you deal with a teenager that has become a compulsive liar? I'm trying not to be angry because that won't help anything, but I'm struggling. My H is absolutely heartbroken over these lies. Uggghhh...

 

I'm so lost and worried. At this point I'm just hoping we can get her through high school without getting pregnant. She's extremely boy crazy. She's not had sex or a boyfriend, but she's become obsessed with finding a boyfriend lately. I think she's seeking attention. Anytime a guy seems to like her, she automatically likes him. I'm definitely getting her on BC and soon as she gets home. Her periods are a mess anyway so the BC will help regulate her.

 

Be careful of saying she is seeking attention. While you may be right that this whole incident could be just her seeking attention she could also be in a whole lot of pain.

 

Lying is sometimes done because they can't bear to face their reality. The lie is better than their truth.

 

I know how you feel. It's like you do and do and do for them and yet it's not enough. I know it's easy to get angry but please just be very carful not to express your anger to her.

 

She needs to be able to come to you and your H if she's in a bad way. Don't jeopardize that.

 

Also see what she has been up to online. Please.

 

Negative attention is better than no attention when a child is trying to get that attention from any old source and the internet is full of bored kids who will read the junk they post, especially if the story is a little twisted.

 

Her periods are a mess? What do you mean by that?

[amaysngrace]

Violet - I am not sure if this is of any help (because every person is different), but I was your stepdaughter. And it is how I have been able to help my own stepdaughter...

 

I was molested and raped a number of times as an adolescent and pre-teen and it subsequently caused me to go through those teenage years as rebellious as I could; I lied, I cheated, I was *very* promiscuous (and, yes, had an abortion when I was 16). I remember my parents trying to find someone to take me because they couldn't handle it anymore.

 

I am very fortunate that my new husband understands my history but has also seen how that turbulent past shaped the person I am today (thankfully, my suicide attempts did not succeed). With my own stepdaughter, I am able to be frank with her and let her know that the pain and anguish she is feeling right now Does Not Last.

 

That is the critical message I have been trying to relay. As much pain as our stepdaughters are experiencing right now, they can't see that the pain and trauma WILL end. It is a matter of patience for all of us.

 

You may not be able to trust her now - and maybe not for several years. But she will see the other side of it when she reaches full adulthood (usually late 20s/early 30s.) She is lying for a reason and part of therapy will be figuring out her inner demons and helping her through it.

 

Good luck...

 

No offense Carrie and please don't take this the wrong way but this isn't about you. It's about a young woman who doesn't have the ability to process things the way a woman your age does. She has only had a short life while you have the wisdom of experience.

 

Please stay mindful of that.

[violet1]

Be careful of saying she is seeking attention. While you may be right that this whole incident could be just her seeking attention she could also be in a whole lot of pain.

 

Lying is sometimes done because they can't bear to face their reality. The lie is better than their truth.

 

I know how you feel. It's like you do and do and do for them and yet it's not enough. I know it's easy to get angry but please just be very carful not to express your anger to her.

 

She needs to be able to come to you and your H if she's in a bad way. Don't jeopardize that.

 

Also see what she has been up to online. Please.

 

Negative attention is better than no attention when a child is trying to get that attention from any old source and the internet is full of bored kids who will read the junk they post, especially if the story is a little twisted.

 

Her periods are a mess? What do you mean by that?

I've been very careful not to express anger towards her. It's a big reason I'm posting here. So I can get my frustrations out without lashing out at her. My husband has not yelled at her in literally over a year. Anytime we enforce rules or get upset with her, she lies. We have an open case with child services because of her lies. This is not the first time it's happened. She told the new therapist at the hospital that she's afraid to come home because my husband yells everyday. WTF!? It's not true. She supposedly has a broken tooth that I didn't know about and said we refused to take her to the dentist. We didn't know anything about a damn broken tooth. I have taken her to the doctor.

 

 

The problem is she never lived with us until she was 12. I don't think we truly know her and she doesn't know us. She won't give us a chance. She won't tell us anything. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of coming home and having random visits from the state over things I knew nothing about.

 

 

Her periods skip and sometimes they are really heavy and that's what I meant by her periods are a mess.