My mom is a frenemy

[hotpotato]

Title says it all. I know, I know. I need to move out. I do not live in her house, we just happened to end up at the same place.

 

My mom is a frenemy, and throughout my life has gone through lengths to discourage me or sabotage me. For example, when I was a teen I would get mail from modeling companies like Barbizon. Only I never got the mail! She would take it and hide it from me. By chance, I found my mail in the trunk of a car. She mentioned that I should make a living off of something rather than my looks. Funny thing is, I could start competing in bikini contests soon. Ha!

 

She wouldn't let me play sports in high school because someone could molest me. Try explaining that to a track coach! Then my junior or senior year she finally lets me play, which defeats the purpose of high school sports. My brother, who is much less dedicated to fitness, is allowed to play sports.

 

Me working out so much is something that grates on her. She obese and doesn't work out, but magically she knows how much I should work out. She doesn't like that I spend many of my nights walking. She doesn't like that I work out most mornings I am off. I guess I should sit around and watch QVC all day like her! She has admitted she can barely walk up a flight of stairs.

 

Then she offers me junk food. She's happy when I gain weight cuz I need meat on my bones. She once thought I had anorexia and took me to the doctor. I was 5'5 and 129lbs. That is *not* anorexic.

 

She has no social life, and she expects me to be her friend. She has horrible people skills. She showers 2 or 3 times a week. She asks a lot of leading questions so talking to her is like being cross examined by a lawyer. She is nice and aggressive at the same time. She knows I do not like to be hugged or touched by her in any kind of way, but she insists on doing it.

 

She tries to talk to me at times when it's totally inappropriate, like when I'm trying to workout.

 

I try to tell people about her, and it's hard for them to see what a frenemy she is. She makes it look like she does everything for my own good when that's not true.

[hoping2heal]

Well, when you were a teenager that is completely your Mother's discretion if she doesn't want you following up some lead for a modelling company. I think protecting your kid from exploitation is a wise thing, not sabotage. Alot of parents don't want their kids mixed up in that. I think the not letting you play sports is a bit paranoid and overprotective but she might have some kind of trauma in her past that you don't know about, which is why she behaves in such a way. Not that it made it right to deny you that experience.

 

It sounds like she depends on you pretty heavily for emotional support but I have to say I wouldn't exactly call anything you described being a frenemy or trying to sabotage you.

[hotpotato]

Well, when you were a teenager that is completely your Mother's discretion if she doesn't want you following up some lead for a modelling company. I think protecting your kid from exploitation is a wise thing, not sabotage. Alot of parents don't want their kids mixed up in that. I think the not letting you play sports is a bit paranoid and overprotective but she might have some kind of trauma in her past that you don't know about, which is why she behaves in such a way. Not that it made it right to deny you that experience.

 

It sounds like she depends on you pretty heavily for emotional support but I have to say I wouldn't exactly call anything you described being a frenemy or trying to sabotage you.

 

Exactly my point. You fell for it, hook, line, sinker. People always think shes trying to help.

 

Everything is about her-her wants, her desires. She is a narcissist.

 

Truth is, if I took her advice, I wouldnt be at this level of fitness.

 

She does depend on me a lot, but she needs to get her own social circle. See, I can be alone and be fine. She really does need someone to talk to.

Edited January 20, 2015 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

Ive also had similar issues with her step mom. Same deal, is grossly overweight but thinks she knows whats best as far as working out. I wouldnt be where I am today had I listened.

[alphamale]

Title says it all. I know, I know. I need to move out. I do not live in her house, we just happened to end up at the same place.

 

My mom is a frenemy, and throughout my life has gone through lengths to discourage me or sabotage me. For example, when I was a teen I would get mail from modeling companies like Barbizon. Only I never got the mail! She would take it and hide it from me. By chance, I found my mail in the trunk of a car. She mentioned that I should make a living off of something rather than my looks. Funny thing is, I could start competing in bikini contests soon. Ha!

 

She wouldn't let me play sports in high school because someone could molest me. Try explaining that to a track coach! Then my junior or senior year she finally lets me play, which defeats the purpose of high school sports. My brother, who is much less dedicated to fitness, is allowed to play sports.

 

Me working out so much is something that grates on her. She obese and doesn't work out, but magically she knows how much I should work out. She doesn't like that I spend many of my nights walking. She doesn't like that I work out most mornings I am off. I guess I should sit around and watch QVC all day like her! She has admitted she can barely walk up a flight of stairs.

 

Then she offers me junk food. She's happy when I gain weight cuz I need meat on my bones. She once thought I had anorexia and took me to the doctor. I was 5'5 and 129lbs. That is *not* anorexic.

 

She has no social life, and she expects me to be her friend. She has horrible people skills. She showers 2 or 3 times a week. She asks a lot of leading questions so talking to her is like being cross examined by a lawyer. She is nice and aggressive at the same time. She knows I do not like to be hugged or touched by her in any kind of way, but she insists on doing it.

 

She tries to talk to me at times when it's totally inappropriate, like when I'm trying to workout.

 

I try to tell people about her, and it's hard for them to see what a frenemy she is. She makes it look like she does everything for my own good when that's not true.

hmmm...sounds like my late mother

[Sugarkane]

I can kind of relate. I wanted to do modeling when I was younger and when my metabolism still worked. My dad didn't want me too and my sister wouldn't get me a specific book on the industry. When the book was at her school. As a first born I was never allowed to rebel, like my younger siblings. I wish I did because I could've left home at a younger age.

[hoping2heal]

Exactly my point. You fell for it, hook, line, sinker. People always think shes trying to help.

Everything is about her-her wants, her desires. She is a narcissist.

 

Truth is, if I took her advice, I wouldnt be at this level of fitness.

 

She does depend on me a lot, but she needs to get her own social circle. See, I can be alone and be fine. She really does need someone to talk to.

 

No, I don't think she's trying to help. I think she is emotionally dependent on you. If you're referring to my commentary on the barbizon thing, then as I said if you were underage it is up to her discretion but many parents see it as exploitation and do not want their kids being caught up in it. I just said I didn't think she was being a frenemy.

[Radu]

Exactly my point. You fell for it, hook, line, sinker. People always think shes trying to help.

 

Everything is about her-her wants, her desires. She is a narcissist.

 

Truth is, if I took her advice, I wouldnt be at this level of fitness.

 

She does depend on me a lot, but she needs to get her own social circle. See, I can be alone and be fine. She really does need someone to talk to.

 

I don't think she's a narc; i do think she is threatened at some level by you and thus ... tried to alter you to not be so 'good' compared to her.

 

You make her feel insecure, and your f*cking up [anything] gives her an ego boost.

[hotpotato]

No, I don't think she's trying to help. I think she is emotionally dependent on you. If you're referring to my commentary on the barbizon thing, then as I said if you were underage it is up to her discretion but many parents see it as exploitation and do not want their kids being caught up in it. I just said I didn't think she was being a frenemy.

 

While maybe I could see your point about modeling, she is still very much a frenemy. Smiling to my face while trying to undercut me.

 

Mothers do not always have their kids best interest at heart.

[hotpotato]

I don't think she's a narc; i do think she is threatened at some level by you and thus ... tried to alter you to not be so 'good' compared to her.

 

You make her feel insecure, and your f*cking up [anything] gives her an ego boost.

 

I came out very different from her in many ways, and she cant stand it. I totally think that when I start getting too different, she gets mad.

 

My mom is a twin, and people considered her the dumb one. Im more like my aunt. My aunt was even into fitness!

[Radu]

Oh, that certainly adds more information.

 

Maybe she's mad at your aunt and is upset even more because you are similar to her.

It would be interesting if you could talk to your aunt and ask if she progressed into her passive-agressive frenemy self while they grew up together because of the difference between them.

 

Hell, for all you know their mother might have encouraged this separation because she wanted a golden child/rotten child dynamic.

 

PS: Bottom line, she still fears you ... but why ? could be an interesting question.

[SpiralOut]

While I can understand a parent not wanting their child to be exploited by the modeling agency, I don't see how hiding the mail is going to help. If underage models really do need parental permission, than why does it matter if you see the offer? I think it is good for kids to know that they have potential. Receiving a modeling offer would feel amazing. It doesn't matter if she isn't allowed to do it - at least it gives her something to look forward to when she becomes a legal adult.

 

 

This isn't the same thing but when I was in university, I received offers in the mail to apply for teaching assistant positions. My grades were high enough to qualify me. I was far too shy to ever apply for it, but it felt really good to know that someone thought me smart enough to try that.

 

 

I think the mother in this case didn't just want to stop hotpotato from modeling, but wanted to stop her from feeling good. She didn't want her to think she can actually do anything. She could have given her the mail and told her "you got this, but I don't want you doing that."

Edited January 24, 2015 by SpiralOut

[pink_sugar]

Title says it all. I know, I know. I need to move out. I do not live in her house, we just happened to end up at the same place.

 

My mom is a frenemy, and throughout my life has gone through lengths to discourage me or sabotage me. For example, when I was a teen I would get mail from modeling companies like Barbizon. Only I never got the mail! She would take it and hide it from me. By chance, I found my mail in the trunk of a car. She mentioned that I should make a living off of something rather than my looks. Funny thing is, I could start competing in bikini contests soon. Ha!

 

She wouldn't let me play sports in high school because someone could molest me. Try explaining that to a track coach! Then my junior or senior year she finally lets me play, which defeats the purpose of high school sports. My brother, who is much less dedicated to fitness, is allowed to play sports.

 

Me working out so much is something that grates on her. She obese and doesn't work out, but magically she knows how much I should work out. She doesn't like that I spend many of my nights walking. She doesn't like that I work out most mornings I am off. I guess I should sit around and watch QVC all day like her! She has admitted she can barely walk up a flight of stairs.

 

Then she offers me junk food. She's happy when I gain weight cuz I need meat on my bones. She once thought I had anorexia and took me to the doctor. I was 5'5 and 129lbs. That is *not* anorexic.

 

She has no social life, and she expects me to be her friend. She has horrible people skills. She showers 2 or 3 times a week. She asks a lot of leading questions so talking to her is like being cross examined by a lawyer. She is nice and aggressive at the same time. She knows I do not like to be hugged or touched by her in any kind of way, but she insists on doing it.

 

She tries to talk to me at times when it's totally inappropriate, like when I'm trying to workout.

 

I try to tell people about her, and it's hard for them to see what a frenemy she is. She makes it look like she does everything for my own good when that's not true.

 

Man, this sounds like my mom down to a T.

 

Overweight, overprotective, no social life, jealous and bitter.

 

We're moving next month and will never look back. You say you need to move out, but you're not living with her? I guess I'm a little confused by that.

Edited January 26, 2015 by pink_sugar

[hotpotato]

Man, this sounds like my mom down to a T.

 

Overweight, overprotective, no social life, jealous and bitter.

 

We're moving next month and will never look back. You say you need to move out, but you're not living with her? I guess I'm a little confused by that.

 

My mother and I live with my grandpa. I guess I was trying to say I'm not living in her house.

 

 

````````

Here's more advice she's been giving me.

 

She says i should get credit cards to increase my credit score. My mom makes under $20k a year but has many credit cards. She needs to declare bankruptcy, but she won't because im providing a financial cushion. Out of mom,aunt,grandpa, and myself, I'm the only one who's not a credit card junkie. Also, she gets rejected for credit cards and has a low score because she has too many. Why encourage me to go down that path? It's not true anyway bc fico says I need an installment loan.

 

The other day she told me if I kept working out I'd have arthritis. Ok, if everyone thought like that no one would play sports, bodybuild, etc. Then she bent down and showed me where she couldn't get up. Um, I don't know what she was trying to prove. She doesn't workout so not being able to squat logically wouldn't be a product of living a healthy lifestyle in her case. I'm glad that sentence is over lol.

 

Those are more examples of her 'help.'

[SpiralOut]

Ah yes, the crappy advice that makes no sense. My mother does that too. Count yourself lucky that you are able to think for yourself and see through it. It took me a long time to see my mother was thinking more about herself than she was about me whenever she gave her "advice."

 

 

Your mom is probably tricking herself into thinking she is helping you, I mean it's still annoying but she might truly not realize what she is doing. For whatever reason she is unable to admit that she's wrong about certain things. The only way she can continue to think she's okay is if she makes you (and people like you) wrong.

 

 

The only thing I can suggest is to question her when she does that. Ask her where did she hear that or read that? You don't even need to argue back (unless you really want to). If she says "I don't know" or "nowhere," that might be enough to make her realize what she sounds like. If she gets mad you can say you were asking because you were curious.

 

 

If she gives you an actual answer, you can look into it to see if it's even true, then come back to her later. You can then point out whatever was wrong with it. Act as if you truly did want to learn more about it. You don't really need to do that to make a point, though. I only do it because I'm very curious by nature and cannot help but investigate contradictory information. I don't do it to piss people off, I do it because I can't help it. It took me a while to notice that it made people think twice about what they told me. I now use it sometimes as a tactic.

Edited January 27, 2015 by SpiralOut

[amaysngrace]

She most likely resents your aunt and sees the similarities that you and your aunt both share so she is passing that resentment on to you.

 

Her body isn't the only thing that is unhealthy about your mom. You need to get away from her as soon as you are able.

[Tayla]

I've walked this path, and sometimes until the full truth comes out, making such judgment calls about another human may back fire. Save your angst and find ways to heal the relationship. You both deserve it.

[hotpotato]

I've walked this path, and sometimes until the full truth comes out, making such judgment calls about another human may back fire. Save your angst and find ways to heal the relationship. You both deserve it.

 

No, she does not deserve it, and I don't care to have a normal relationship with her. Let's face the facts. She's nearly 50, and she's not going to change. This is how messed up this woman is. She threatened to spank me a few years ago, when I was around 25. That's right. She raised a hand and threatened to spank me, and I'm an adult. No, she was not joking.