Jump to content

Am I being too mean?


Gloria25

Recommended Posts

Ok, last nite my mom mistakenly sounded the alarm about an hour before I had to get up...and, this is not the first time this has happened.

 

Both my mom and I have our own little thingy to turn the alarm on/off. I also made the code of the alarm something SHE would remember.

 

In the past when this happened, I asked her to just take the thingy on her keychain with her to turn the alarm on/off - cuz she claims she can't remember the code EVEN THOUGH IT IS SOMETHING I MADE THAT SHE SHOULD REMEMBER.

 

So, again, and in less than a month, I was abruptly woken up by the alarm going off, had to crawl out of the bed and reach over to my desk and cut off the alarm with my keychain thingy.

 

I'm trying to be patient with her, but you know what makes me even more upset? When I got up this morning, she didn't even apologize for what happened.

 

So, am I being too mean to get upset over this? I mean, not sure if she is getting forgetful or simply doesn't care. We have a strained relationship where I have times that I believe she only had us as kids to try to "trap" my dad, and now that we're older, we're just a "means to an end" for her and my dad (they just pretend they love us so that we can keep a roof over their heads and care for them).

Edited by Gloria25
Link to post
Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA

Gosh, you're tired more than anything about the situation. Vent away, as if you are just plain mean, it would show through alot more then the alarm thingy.

 

Reminds me the time I took a GF away for the weekend. We stayed at a newly remodeled hotel, everything was new right down to the smoke detector. We were woke abrubtly about 7am from the ear piercing fire alarm. If that would not make one maddening enough to throw the siren at the manager, I don't know what would. Ha!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you live in a rough neighbourhood? Just wondering why the alarm is on when you're home.

 

Is she forgetful other times with other stuff? Pay close attention, maybe she needs a Dr apt to make sure all is okay.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Do you live in a rough neighbourhood? Just wondering why the alarm is on when you're home.

 

Is she forgetful other times with other stuff? Pay close attention, maybe she needs a Dr apt to make sure all is okay.

 

Well, years ago, and not in the same neighborhood (actually when I lived overseas in my teenage years with my parents) our family was a victim of a home invasion...Also, I've seen on TV so many stories of single women getting robbed, violated, etc. and they didn't have alarms - so I've gotten alarms over the years.

 

Actually, years ago, someone was trying to video tape me showering when I lived in a different city...I don't know what it is about a single woman that seems to attract the weirdoes.

 

Well, I take her to the doc on the regular and she had a mild stroke a few years ago. Sometimes I think she is "getting up there", cuz last week I had to buy some stuff and have an "uncomfortable" conversation with her. But, she seemed relieved after we had the convo cuz I think she was trying to deal with it on her own and I reassured her that it's ok, cuz I understand she's getting older.

 

But, what irked me mostly today is that she didn't even apologize when she's done so in the past.

 

I don't know, I'm going through my monthly lady stuff, so maybe I'm just irritable?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't help but wonder, especially in light of the stroke, whether your mother has the beginnings of Alzheimer's or dementia.

 

My mother's seeming inability to do what I thought should be a simple task were the first signs. I deluded myself for a while thinking she's just getting older.

 

I lost her 3 years ago & would give anything to have her back.

 

Moving forward, keep your keychain alarm thing closer.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP I went through similar experiences when I shared an apartment with my mom several years ago. My mom was addicted to prescription narcotics for pain so she was stoned much of the time and this caused her to do ridiculous and annoying things and sometimes I did lose my patience and snap at her and then I would feel terrible.

 

 

I understand how you feel but try to stay patient and understanding with your mom because 1 day you won't have her anymore. Maybe your mom didn't apologize when you woke up because she just wasn't thinking about it. I'm sure if you mentioned it, she would apologize. Also do keep an eye on her forgetfulness as it can be a sign of something more serious, and when she frustrates you come here and vent on LS or vent to a friend.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the input everyone...

 

I think I just needed to vent and I think I need to start paying more attention to her possible decline in ability to do "normal" things...

 

I mean, now that I think about it, lately sometimes when I bring something up, she'll be like "huh, what are you talking about?" and I'm like 'don't you remember?' And, I just get frustrated.

 

I think that the resentment from how she raised us is what creeps in and messes with my ability to be compassionate...

 

But, then again, sometimes its hard to know if it's her age/health or a manipulation...cuz when she was younger (even 30's 40's) she had the same personality of just sitting around at home and complaining or doing nothing. I mean, I remember when I was like in my tweens, she just stopped cooking and/or cleaning. My half-sister and I started cooking, cleaning, and managing the family finances/affairs. All my dad did was run the streets and my mom stayed home in some sort of depressive fog.

 

I mean, years ago after I first told her to leave my home, she finally got on the phone to give me a call and my birthday just passed. Now, while I'm not big on birthdays, the first thing out of her mouth is that she needed to know if I could send her some money and she never said a freakin' "Happy Birthday". After the call ended, I told her I wasn't gonna send her any money and how she didn't even care to send me a card or tell me a freakin' "Happy Birthday". :mad:

 

I don't know, now I think we're at a point where she probably doesn't want to dwell on the past and just go forward. I mean, when she visits my dad, I am thankful that she checks(ed) on the grandkids and gets them squared away with things that my dad could care less for (i.e. registering them for school). She also looks so happy and proud when she chats with my brother and the grandkids. I guess she is at the point where she's taking pride in how the kids/grandkids are growing...Isn't that what we do when we get older? Seeing our offspring and feeling loved/proud?

 

But still, thanks everyone for the input....helps me to reflect :)

Edited by Gloria25
Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't be so quick to assume your instincts in dealing with her are incorrect. Often depression can mimic the signs of dementia in older folks and you do have to deal with depressives harshly sometimes because they can be incredibly manipulative.

 

It's very possible she's setting off the alarm as a passive aggressive f you. Especially if she didn't apoligize. =/ You should see all the nonsense my grandmother pulls. And it gets a lot worse or better depending on if her anti-depressants are wearing off or not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the input everyone...

 

I think I just needed to vent and I think I need to start paying more attention to her possible decline in ability to do "normal" things...

 

I mean, now that I think about it, lately sometimes when I bring something up, she'll be like "huh, what are you talking about?" and I'm like 'don't you remember?' And, I just get frustrated.

 

I think that the resentment from how she raised us is what creeps in and messes with my ability to be compassionate...

 

But, then again, sometimes its hard to know if it's her age/health or a manipulation...cuz when she was younger (even 30's 40's) she had the same personality of just sitting around at home and complaining or doing nothing. I mean, I remember when I was like in my tweens, she just stopped cooking and/or cleaning. My half-sister and I started cooking, cleaning, and managing the family finances/affairs. All my dad did was run the streets and my mom stayed home in some sort of depressive fog.

 

I mean, years ago after I first told her to leave my home, she finally got on the phone to give me a call and my birthday just passed. Now, while I'm not big on birthdays, the first thing out of her mouth is that she needed to know if I could send her some money and she never said a freakin' "Happy Birthday". After the call ended, I told her I wasn't gonna send her any money and how she didn't even care to send me a card or tell me a freakin' "Happy Birthday". :mad:

 

I don't know, now I think we're at a point where she probably doesn't want to dwell on the past and just go forward. I mean, when she visits my dad, I am thankful that she checks(ed) on the grandkids and gets them squared away with things that my dad could care less for (i.e. registering them for school). She also looks so happy and proud when she chats with my brother and the grandkids. I guess she is at the point where she's taking pride in how the kids/grandkids are growing...Isn't that what we do when we get older? Seeing our offspring and feeling loved/proud?

 

But still, thanks everyone for the input....helps me to reflect :)

 

 

Wow, it was the same with my mom. She would be all helpless and victim like and if I said anything about that she would start in on me about how I don't know what its like to get old or have physical pain. I would feel terrible about myself for not being more patient and compassionate and at the same time I would have this voice silently screaming in my head "but you've always been this way! Even when I was a kid!!"

 

 

Then I realized that if she was this way ever since I was a kid, why did I expect anything different now? She is who she is and I had to decide to accept her or not. I did decide to just accept her for her and stop wishing she would be different.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I wouldn't be so quick to assume your instincts in dealing with her are incorrect. Often depression can mimic the signs of dementia in older folks and you do have to deal with depressives harshly sometimes because they can be incredibly manipulative.

 

It's very possible she's setting off the alarm as a passive aggressive f you. Especially if she didn't apoligize. =/ You should see all the nonsense my grandmother pulls. And it gets a lot worse or better depending on if her anti-depressants are wearing off or not.

 

And that's just what I was thinking....There's other things she does, where I think she's "testing the waters" to see what I'm gonna do.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
And that's just what I was thinking....There's other things she does, where I think she's "testing the waters" to see what I'm gonna do.

You're probably right. My grandmother is a bit of an attention freak. No matter how loud you say something if her meds are wearing off she'll deliberately try and make you repeat yourself at least 3-4 times. What? What? What? What? I started limiting myself to 2 times and it's miraculous how 5 seconds after I refuse to repeat myself again she'll figure out what I said. ;) I doubt many people know your mom better than you do so just follow your instincts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I can't help but wonder, especially in light of the stroke, whether your mother has the beginnings of Alzheimer's or dementia.

 

My mother's seeming inability to do what I thought should be a simple task were the first signs. I deluded myself for a while thinking she's just getting older.

 

I lost her 3 years ago & would give anything to have her back.

 

Moving forward, keep your keychain alarm thing closer.

 

Exactly. Fact is, your mom had a stroke and it could be affecting her.

 

Instead of anger and irritation, better come at this as concern and care. Life is too short to get so upset over stuff like this, never know what the future holds and no way would you want to look back and feel regret or guilt.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
And that's just what I was thinking....There's other things she does, where I think she's "testing the waters" to see what I'm gonna do.

 

But what if it's not that? What if there's a health issue here happening and you're missing the signs? Take her to the Dr and get a check up done.

 

What other things does she do that you think she's testing you?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
But what if it's not that? What if there's a health issue here happening and you're missing the signs? Take her to the Dr and get a check up done.

 

What other things does she do that you think she's testing you?

 

Agreed about the health thing, that's why I posted here to get some input.

 

Other things, ummm....

 

Well, she makes little changes to how house is arranged and/or leaves more clothing/things behind each time she travels...I think that if I say something about her setting up shop, that would be an indication to her that I don't want her to stay permanently. So, she's testing me to see if I'm gonna let her set up shop.

Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear

Just one of the many reasons adult "children" shouldnt live with older parents.....

 

I love the hell out of my mom, and our weekly Sunday vists are wonderful-especially the Italian cooking:love:...

 

But when I had to live with her a bit when Sandy hit here, after about the 3rd day Id had enough....Off to the hotel I went...:laugh:

 

They have their set ways and routines...They dont want you messing with that..Im not judging anyone here, just an obeervation..

 

Good luck. OP

 

TFY

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just one of the many reasons adult "children" shouldnt live with older parents.....

 

I love the hell out of my mom, and our weekly Sunday vists are wonderful-especially the Italian cooking:love:...

 

But when I had to live with her a bit when Sandy hit here, after about the 3rd day Id had enough....Off to the hotel I went...:laugh:

 

They have their set ways and routines...They dont want you messing with that..Im not judging anyone here, just an obeervation..

 

Good luck. OP

 

TFY

 

Agreed, but that's what's frustrating here...It's MY home, and she's the one crouching on my territory...That's why I get upset at times cuz I'm like 'wait one sec, you're coming to MY home and changing it up?'

 

I mean, why should I be afraid to bring over a guy and/or turn up music and jump up around? It's MY home...

 

But, I guess that even though it's my home, we don't wanna be acting the fool in front of our parents, no?

Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear
Agreed, but that's what's frustrating here...It's MY home, and she's the one crouching on my territory...That's why I get upset at times cuz I'm like 'wait one sec, you're coming to MY home and changing it up?'

 

I mean, why should I be afraid to bring over a guy and/or turn up music and jump up around? It's MY home...

 

But, I guess that even though it's my home, we don't wanna be acting the fool in front of our parents, no?

 

OK thats a different story...

 

Lock her in the closet when she pisses you off or you need some time to yourself...:laugh:

 

TFY

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...