HokeyReligions Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49402/ Hubby's dad was buried Tuesday. My mom had a doctor appointment yesterday. They said she has maybe six months. I have called and left at least 10 messages for my brother -- telling him he needs to come see her again. He won't answer. I'm done. I'm not contacting anyone about anything anymore--not even when mom dies. As far as we are concerned -- hubby and I are alone. He has his step-father (whom he loves, and loves him) and he tolerates his mother because of him, but that's it. Hubby and I are still so hurt and angry over the way he was treated at his own father's funeral. We are going to Patsy's house this weekend and demanding the old family photographs. Then we are going to his father's grave and going marker-shopping. His marker will say Father of [hubby's name]. Screw the step-kids. HIS ONLY SON needs closure and that requires acknowledgement and you can't argue with a bronze plaque. I actually smoked a pack of cigarettes from Sunday to Tuesday! (I quit smoking some years ago, but it was that or kill someone & I haven't smoked since Tuesday) I was so upset over all of this that I did not sleep a wink last night -- I tossed and turned until 2AM then got up and just sat on the couch so I wouldn't wake anyone else. I am exhausted today -- I've been at work since 5:45 this morning. I'm not looking for sympathy - mom's been sick for quite a while. I'm just pissed and venting. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Oh, the seven f*cking hells, hoke. What is wrong with your mom? I hope the doctors are wrong, and it's not true. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Marker shopping sounds just like what you guys need. Having closure is paramount for your husband. I wonder if that Patsy woman has no respect for your father-in -law's life. Your dad was part of his life and by disrespecting him, she is disrespecting her late husband. This is not only inconsiderate, but mean. It is true that people cannot be fined for being stupid, but they can be held responsable for their actions. Have the photos and pay your respects to Kenneth, but do not forget to spend quality time with your mother. As much as hubby is in pain right now, do make your mom's last month on this planet sunny ones. And stay away of cigarettes. I mean it!!! Big hug, curly Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Hoke, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds as though you're getting into a loop of anger and frustration. The thing is, if people are jerks, your being angry at them isn't going to do anything about that. All it will do is hurt you. It's head-against-brick-wall stuff to be mad about it. Can you and your SO do some stress-relief stuff? Punch pillows or do something real physical? Or how about great quantities of chocolate, soothing music, and relaxation exercises? You know that prayer about accepting the things that will not change? Those relatives are just going to be that way and that won't change, so can you two work on accepting that? It's being frustrated about it that will cause you grief. If you let go and just take it as a fact of life, you'll do your own self less damage. Yes, anger has its place, but mostly it's poisonous to you and so it's worthwhile, IMHO, to get rid of it as soon as you possibly can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 She's been going downhill pretty fast. She's lived with us for nearly six years now. Almost lost her last spring when she had two heart attacks. She has a very bad heart, emphysema, and a whole buncha other health problems and is in constant pain. She just sits in her chair in her room, watching TV. All day and all night. She can get into the bathroom by herself, but that's about it. She is on oxygen and a truck-load of drugs and I know she can't last much longer. We are very close though and even though we have gotten on each others nerves a few times, I have loved having her live with us. I wish she would let me have Hospice help though. She prefers to have no one but me be around her and help her. She just smiles and says "I'm fine" all the time. I got mad at her yesterday because I talked to the doctor and he told me what was going on, and when I asked her what the doctor said, she lied (she's always been a liar) and said that she was just fine, just old. I said I wanted to get some help with bathing her and helping her go to the bathroom when I'm not home, and feeding her, etc. and she keeps saying she is fine and doesn't need any help. (never mind that *I* need help!) One of these days I'm going to go in her room and try to wake her from her chair and she'll be dead. I'm not going to call anyone when she goes. I'll just have her cremated (and I'll have to have her current dog put to sleep too) and then I'll just take a day for myself and find a nice spot in the country and let her ashes, and the ashes of her other dog, blow away. If my brother ever contacts me again, I'll tell him. But I'm done putting forth ANY effort for anyone but myself/my hubby/my mom/our dogs. It's not worth the stress and I'm fine being alone. I can't stop venting!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I'm sorry for your sadness. My thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Let it out, sister. That's what we're here for. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 families can be difficult, especially when it comes to things like this: the ones you'd expect to be a help tend to do just the opposite, while the ones you don't even think about doing something good or positive are the ones who empathize and help you the most ... so hang in there, Hoke do you think maybe your mom is averse to the idea of a stranger looking after her? Your mom just might feel this is too private a thing to ask for help from anyone. However, that shouldn't stop you or hubby from talking to hospice to see what they suggest! your brother: maybe a letter telling him what is going on and that he really ought to come be with y'alls mom would do the job? It's easy to ignore when someone's talking to you, but written out, that message is very hard to avoid, because it's concrete words on a piece of paper. how is your husband handling all of this, on top of losing his dad? Link to post Share on other sites
Artifact Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I'm thinking about you too. Although, it sounds like you're finally in a position to put your family first now, enjoying time with your mom, comforting your husband, spoiling your dogs. No more chasing down people you don't really want to spend time with anyway. Reading the description of the funeral for you father-in-law was unbelievable- but in the sense that nothing is unbelievable now. The things that people do... the way they think... act... the things that go on... amazing. Take care, Artifact And seriously, vent away! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by quankanne how is your husband handling all of this, on top of losing his dad? Poor hubby, poor poor hubby. It sank in now that his father is gone, and he was a bit upset at himself that he wasn't grieving more. Given their past relationship I assured him that his feelings were normal and nothing to be concerned about. (he grieved much much more when the dogs died, but he was closer to them than to his father) He is adjusting pretty well. He doesn't love my mother and has told me that he will be relieved when she is gone and the room cleaned up. He knows its going to be hard on me and he can be a pretty insensitive SOB at times and made some caustic remark about how long do I think it will take me to 'get over it' after she's gone -- a day, a few days? And he thinks that maybe he could move out and stay in a hotel "or something" for a few days until I'm "over it" because he dreads having to "deal with me". (in other words, all of this disrupts his daily routine of napping and playing on the computer and his weekly routine of getting some errands done and he just can't handle ANY change in his routine -- he's like Rainman that way! Seriously.) I just look at him and ask "how have I been behaving since your father first got so sick and then died?" "What do I do for you? What do I say for you?" He does keep thanking me for being there for him, and saying he doesn't know what he would do without me, and telling me how much he appreciates my help, etc. He just can't make the connection, but if I tell him what to do, where to stand, where to go - he will help me. I just have to stand and direct, he has never been able to make a decision on what to do for me, by himself. He has to be told every step of the way, but once he's told he will do gladly do whatever is asked of him. It's his brain damage that keeps him so disconnected sometimes. I have to remind myself of that (or I would have killed him by now) He wasn't always like this & it gets worse with age. I dread growing old with him, but I feel guilty when I even think of leaving him. He relys on me and I guess I'll vent sometimes, but I've accepted my role in this life. Thank goodness I don't have any religious hangups and have no problem with self-termination when the time comes! None of this hanging-on for me. If I get sick like my mother or husband, buh-bye! As for my brother -- hell with him. I'm not worried about it. It's HIS problem, not mine. I've done my duty. Thanks everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 He just can't make the connection, but if I tell him what to do, where to stand, where to go - he will help me Richard was kind of the same when my mom died -- it seemed like he was watching me for direction. No "I'm sorry, I knew how close you two were," stuff like that -- one once I got hugged, when I had to call my mom's sister in Cali (they're just 2 years apart), and I couldn't stop crying (and I normally can keep it together, don't cry in front of anyone if I can help it!). but in all fairness, he's been really sweet when it comes to talking about my mom, about how much I miss her, or remembering things she's said -- the same with his mom, he doesn't avoid any conversation about her. Still, he doesn't initiate it, and that worries me, because I knew he loved both of them in his own way. do you think your husband also feels uncomfortable about you being in need when he's always thought of you as "the strong one"? sometimes that's harder accept, knowing the person you've always seen as indominable having a softer side! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by quankanne do you think your husband also feels uncomfortable about you being in need when he's always thought of you as "the strong one"? sometimes that's harder accept, knowing the person you've always seen as indominable having a softer side! Yes, we've talked about this a little bit. It's funny, he will take care of me by doing things for me -- heating dinner and bringing it to me in the evenings, taking the dogs out, running the errands, having my lunch ready --- all part of his routine. I've told him that I feel sometimes, like the only reason he does that is so he doesn't lose his meal-ticket. He has to keep me strong for his sake. I was hoping he would argue a bit with me, but he pretty much agreed with that. He would not know how to deal with life if I had a softer side. I used to have one, but it's been years since I've showed it. I cried when the kids died -- but mostly by myself. I can't stand his anxiety and stress when he sees me vulnerable. The few times I really let my guard down, he left me. He claimed he couldn't deal with someone who was 'so emotional' and he walked out. Venting here is wonderful -- it is so helpful to me---especially the feedback! I am like a robot at home and I know that I must not show emotion. I don't cry and I don't laugh either. I just do what I need to do, and say what I need to say. Here I can at least express my anger or sadness without repurcussions, or without having to spend a week apologizing for upsetting him because I cried! Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Hokey, I'm sorry to hear about your mom and father in law. I lost my dad very suddenly a few weeks ago. Family and unofficial "family" can be a real pain in the arse at these times. There was a "discussion" aka argument about who got my dad's ashes. Me, his son or his girlfriend (they've been together about 6 years, living in his house the past 3 or so) because my idiot father had never explicitly stated what he wanted done when he passed.. You get so mad, you want to smash things. My Dad and I had drifted apart a lot the last 10-15 years but it still hurts. It doesn't help that his gf and I have never really gotten along either. Anyway, take care and keep venting. I've found it to be a great help. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted October 15, 2004 Moderators Share Posted October 15, 2004 Hokey, I'm sorry that you're all going through all the problems and frustrations. Sometimes it must seem like there's just no light at the end of the tunnel. All I can say is, keep venting here ... let off the pressure where possible. I hope this all doesn't break you though. I thing you're bearing one hell of a lot of emotional pain and heartache. I feel bad that you don't feel that you have someone to lean on...I mean, to REALLY lean on, know what I mean? I guess that's where we come in. The expression is true though... Sometimes, there are just no rest stops along the way. Keep the faith hunn. We're here for ya. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
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