Supporting Children after divorce

[Thicke2013]

If this is in the wrong section please move.

 

I got divorced from my wife of 13 years in April of 2013. It was several years in the making as most are. We have three children whom I adore. Incompatible is the best way to put it. We sold our house earlier this year and split the profit which left us both with a decent chunk of money. I had worked odd jobs on the side and even worked 2 jobs for the last couple of years to pay off everything except the house (even had her truck transferred into her name only to make the divorce smoother) prior to filing. Even though I wanted out, I did not want to leave her in financial ruin especially since she would have the kids half the time.

 

Fast forward to today. I am with my now fiance' and couldn't be happier. We actually just bought a house together. The ex, has a live in bf since August of last year and they live in her uncle's house and she does not pay rent. Only utilities. I pay $500 a month in child support and we split custody 50/50. Our divorce agreement states that I pay 70% of child expenses and she pays 30%. While we were married she went to school for a couple of different things and never finished any of them. Finally residing as a school bus driver working 30 hours a week and making just south of $20k a year. Last week she got mad and quit her job and this week enrolled in school. She still does odd jobs on the side for cash money (Cleaning houses). I am working my way up in a company that I have been with for the last 8 years and make $50k plus some commission that to this point doesn't amount to much.

 

Now where the advise is needed. Obviously I end up footing most of the expenses for our children. I bought them all clothes this past summer and never asked for a dime. Any time I buy them something I never ask for her portion. I like to think that if we both just pay for what needs to be paid for while we have them then it will most likely even out. If it is a big expense like a medical bill or something then we could split that. I did ask for her to split the cost of our daughter signing up for ball. Nothing else. We both agreed to put $1k toward a car for our daughter. When it came time, she did not have it. I bought the car. My middle daughter came home this week and needed $100 for a school trip. I text the ex and asked if she could help and she said no. Then just yesterday, my daughters car broke down and I found out that it is going to cost $400 to fix it. When I text her and told her, this was her response. "it will be a while before I can offer any help because I just spent all of my money enrolling in school". How should I handle this? I know she doesn't have much money but it isn't my fault that she quit her job. When I confront her about it she says that she didn't ask for the divorce. A part of me wants to call my attorney and see about discontinuing child support since I am paying 100% of all expenses but honestly I don't know that my children would be taken care of if I did stop it. I know that I make more money than her, but they are still her children. Do I just suck it up because I asked for the divorce? I do make better money than her but this puts a strain on our household finances because there is no help. Sorry for such a long post. Really could use some advise. Thanks!

[BlueIris]

You’re in a situation that many divorced parents find themselves in.

Regarding modifying child support: Run the numbers first (look up online CS calculator for your state) and see what it would be if she has full-time minimum wage imputed to her. Unless she’s disabled, that’s what most courts will impute, unless she has documented work history or is primary custodial parent with pre-school children. Then decide if it’s worth it to file a motion to modify.

[ComingInHot]

You don't 'suck it up' because you asked for the divorce. You 'suck it up' because you love yiur kids more than your next breath , even if your ex and fiance don't, and you are so God d@mned grateful the are strong and health.

 

What you may want to find out is if you can get full custody or majority custody since she is not caring for them by clothing them and feeding them etc...

If that is you do love them that way and you are the better parent*

[Thicke2013]

You’re in a situation that many divorced parents find themselves in.

Regarding modifying child support: Run the numbers first (look up online CS calculator for your state) and see what it would be if she has full-time minimum wage imputed to her. Unless she’s disabled, that’s what most courts will impute, unless she has documented work history or is primary custodial parent with pre-school children. Then decide if it’s worth it to file a motion to modify.

 

I have used the calculator and since I carry their insurance, etc it actually has her paying me $80 per week. I don't want any money from her I just want her to help with the kids expenses.

 

You don't 'suck it up' because you asked for the divorce. You 'suck it up' because you love yiur kids more than your next breath , even if your ex and fiance don't, and you are so God d@mned grateful the are strong and health.

 

What you may want to find out is if you can get full custody or majority custody since she is not caring for them by clothing them and feeding them etc...

If that is you do love them that way and you are the better parent*

 

My kids do mean the world to me no doubt! My fiance' loves them too and treats them like her own. It's a new transition us all being under one roof but it's comfortable and everyone is adjusting well. They make a point to kiss her goodnight and tell her they love her and things of that nature and she does the same for them. All is good there. My kids will have what they want/need from me. That's not the question. A perfect example occurred yesterday. My oldest daughter is on my cell phone plan and my middle one on my exes. My middle daughter text me about buying a new cell phone case that was only $3.99 and said she would pay me back. I told her to ask her mom since she was on her account. She said she already did and she said she didn't have any money in her account to pay for it. It's things like this all the time. It makes me feel like I am paying money every month that doesn't go towards my kids. I mean, my daughter had the money in hand but her mom didn't even have $4 in her account to buy it and let her pay her for it? It's just very frustrating. Not to mention that my daughters complain all the time that their mom and her bf's daughter wear their clothes all the time, but that's another story.

 

It's like since the divorce she has checked out as a parent. She can go get herself a new cell phone but she tells the kids not to snack too much because they don't have a lot of groceries in the house. When the kids ask for things she will tell them to ask me because she has no money. Then she quits her job and enrolls in school. What parent does that? If you have kids that depend on you (Oh by the way her live in bf has 2 of his own as well so when they are all there together they have 5 kids) you don't quit your job without having another one first. You work and go to school. Then when the kids question why they don't get to do things she blames the divorce. I'm just tired.

[Cynicalme]

Their mom is a bit flaky. Don't make an issue of $3.99. This is what life is like with their mom. Help them out when you can. Down the road, your girls will be appreciative.

 

Oh, and if oldest daughter is old enough to have a car, she's old enough to work part-time to support it.

[beach]

If you can't afford things your kids need then teach them to work and pay for things on their own.

 

Pay for what you can. After that have the kids earn their own money.

 

I was babysitting at 12 years old to buy my own clothes. No harm unlearning to earn money for what is needed.

 

Kids get motivated, creative and resourceful when they need or want something.

 

Have your daughter work and pay for the repairs on the car. She should also pay for her gas and insurance too - after all it looks like you bought her the car. If not, she can buy a bus pass.

[anika99]

If you can't afford things your kids need then teach them to work and pay for things on their own.

 

Pay for what you can. After that have the kids earn their own money.

 

I was babysitting at 12 years old to buy my own clothes. No harm unlearning to earn money for what is needed.

 

Kids get motivated, creative and resourceful when they need or want something.

 

Have your daughter work and pay for the repairs on the car. She should also pay for her gas and insurance too - after all it looks like you bought her the car. If not, she can buy a bus pass.

 

Yep, that's exactly what I was thinking. Kids with cars and cellphones are old enough to start earning at least a little of their own money.

 

 

I was a very poor single mom of 2 boys and they had no problem working part time to get the toys they wanted. When my youngest was 14 he got his heart set on a $800 bike. He put that bike on lay-away and then spent several months working a part time job and putting all his money towards his bike. He was so proud of that bike and so proud of himself for being able to attain it himself. It was a big boost to his self esteem and self confidence.

[Tayla]

Contact your lawyer. All this should have been in writing at the divorce dissolution. Child custody, child support and visitation. Sorry that some folks feel you should simply pay out the wazoo whilst the ex gets ALL the support money to do with as she wishes.

Until the courts start wising up to how the money is to be used for the children...the custodial parent gets all the monies to do with as they please. Its a pathetic fact.

Money does NOT equate to love....So ignore that concept entirely ....its sad it was even stated in that way. Of course you love your children!

It sounds like its time to get those receipts out, and show how you have more then met your terms of the agreement and now wish to be balanced moving forward.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm a single mum with 3 kids and this is also the issue we have (been ongoing for some time now and honestly, I'm tired of it). I have applied for child support (again) this year but as he was unemployed for some time, the calculation turned out a piddly amount it cannot even support one child for a month. So I struggle from paycheck to paycheck, I am sometimes, alright a lot of times, on my bare a** a few days till pay. His answer? I have always made more money than him and I have the kids 95% of the time. He forgets that he is flatting with 4 other people and can only have the kids on some weekends.

 

As I look after their day-to-day expenses, I asked for the school account to be halved between us, all uniforms and shoes to be purchased by him while I take care of school stationery, he has to pay for one child's sports fees, etc, etc, gee I could go on and on. This way, its clear on the table that if the kids have no shoes or any of the stuff he has to pay for, all kiddie complaints are directed to him. This forces his hand to look forward, plan ahead and make sure he has the money for all these expenses. Now I just need to keep reminding him for what's coming up. I'm still broke most of the time as I'm still shouldering most expenses but now he knows he can't just say, sorry but I'm not working... he has to look the kids in the eye for this.

 

I am sorry it has come to this, but I have had enough, he has relied on me for way too long.

[Thicke2013]

If you can't afford things your kids need then teach them to work and pay for things on their own.

 

Pay for what you can. After that have the kids earn their own money.

 

I was babysitting at 12 years old to buy my own clothes. No harm unlearning to earn money for what is needed.

 

Kids get motivated, creative and resourceful when they need or want something.

 

Have your daughter work and pay for the repairs on the car. She should also pay for her gas and insurance too - after all it looks like you bought her the car. If not, she can buy a bus pass.

 

Yep, that's exactly what I was thinking. Kids with cars and cellphones are old enough to start earning at least a little of their own money.

 

 

I was a very poor single mom of 2 boys and they had no problem working part time to get the toys they wanted. When my youngest was 14 he got his heart set on a $800 bike. He put that bike on lay-away and then spent several months working a part time job and putting all his money towards his bike. He was so proud of that bike and so proud of himself for being able to attain it himself. It was a big boost to his self esteem and self confidence.

 

My oldest does work and she pays her car insurance and all of her gas money. I made this clear to her when she wanted a car that she would be responsible for paying insurance. They cut her hours at her job and she is currently looking for another one so I told her that I would pay for the repairs. I pay her cell phone but she pays any overages etc if there are any.

 

Contact your lawyer. All this should have been in writing at the divorce dissolution. Child custody, child support and visitation. Sorry that some folks feel you should simply pay out the wazoo whilst the ex gets ALL the support money to do with as she wishes.

Until the courts start wising up to how the money is to be used for the children...the custodial parent gets all the monies to do with as they please. Its a pathetic fact.

Money does NOT equate to love....So ignore that concept entirely ....its sad it was even stated in that way. Of course you love your children!

It sounds like its time to get those receipts out, and show how you have more then met your terms of the agreement and now wish to be balanced moving forward.

 

I have started a spreadsheet detailing what I spend on the children. I want to be clear here, this isn't about the money. It's about their mom being a parent and making sure that she has the means to care for our children while she has them and not relying on me to do that. She relied on me for our entire marriage and she is still doing it even though we are divorced. I don't mind paying all of what my kids need, but I can't afford to pay the child support and still pay for everything else.

 

It was in our divorce decree that I pay 70% of all expenses for our children and she pay the remaining 30%. She doesn't even do that. Then I have a friend tell me yesterday that she is telling everyone that she pays the kids insurance (she has never, they have been on my insurance since they were all born) and she is going to take me back to court for more child support. She really has no pride.

[Tayla]

No offense- But you really got the short short short ( did I say short enough?) end of the stick. And yes this is about Financial Responsibility . So lets keep that in focus. The Mother is accountable for 30% of agreed upon expenses. When I say agreed upon....it needs to be indicated in the document- Clothing, medical, schooling, insurance, dental,extra curricular activities., child care.

If anything you bought them outside that parameter, it can not be re-imbursed or used for collecting...Its a gift then...

 

The Mother Or Custodial Guardian does have the right to see increased Child support, its common that every three to five years it can come up on review.

 

Good that you have a spreadsheet and all the receipts of payment. It will come in handy.

 

My 2cents- I'd have not signed a 70/30 agreement nor done so with such leniency on specifics. Your lawyer really needs to review this with you....

[Thicke2013]

No offense- But you really got the short short short ( did I say short enough?) end of the stick. And yes this is about Financial Responsibility . So lets keep that in focus. The Mother is accountable for 30% of agreed upon expenses. When I say agreed upon....it needs to be indicated in the document- Clothing, medical, schooling, insurance, dental,extra curricular activities., child care.

If anything you bought them outside that parameter, it can not be re-imbursed or used for collecting...Its a gift then...

 

The Mother Or Custodial Guardian does have the right to see increased Child support, its common that every three to five years it can come up on review.

 

Good that you have a spreadsheet and all the receipts of payment. It will come in handy.

 

My 2cents- I'd have not signed a 70/30 agreement nor done so with such leniency on specifics. Your lawyer really needs to review this with you....

 

I do believe that I got the short end of the stick. The agreement is specific with details. It does say all of that. Our agreement states that neither party is named primary custodian and that we share custody. Legal custody is joint and shared. It also states that any school activity (my middle daughter has a school trip in March of next year and her mom already told her that she can't pay for any of it) or extra curricular activity is on the 70/30 plan. My point is she isn't paying. Then on Friday she took my middle daughter to the doctor and paid a $60 co-pay and immediately text me about paying back the $42. As for being agreed upon. She did agree on the car. Even agreed to put $1k towards it. Even told my daughter that she would. Then when it came time to fork out, told me that she didn't have it.

 

One more thing to add, I hold the insurance and the settlement agreement states that she is responsible for keeping a medical card on the children as long as she is eligible becuase she could not afford to pay the co-pays etc. She has not. It was cancelled because she failed to turn in some information.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Thicke2013

[beach]

So you keep paying but you want to complain about it?

 

You can change it if you begin participating differently.

 

Don't pay for anything unless you really want to - without expecting anything from anyone else.

 

Your exW is a deadbeat (to some extent). Expect her to pay for nothing.

 

When you want your kids to have something (anything) then figure you pay because you think it's the right thing to do.

 

You can take your exW back to court but it may cost you way more than you would gain from the ex - and it still doesn't make her pay you - you can't get blood from that turnip.

 

Knowing that she doesn't intend to pay her share - just start spending 30% less than planned.

 

So your daughters car needs repairs? Have her also pay her share = 30%. If she has to wait longer to save the money then wait until she saves the $120

 

And the school trip - you are capable of saying no. Or ask the school for financial aid for the trip.

[Radu]

When the two of you were married, did she provide more for the children, or as much as she is providing now ?

 

Your other kids [the non-adult ones], what are their ages ?

 

Do the kids perceive what is happening ?

That their mother is less involved than you ?

[Tayla]

So you keep paying but you want to complain about it?

 

You can change it if you begin participating differently.

 

Don't pay for anything unless you really want to - without expecting anything from anyone else.

 

Your exW is a deadbeat (to some extent). Expect her to pay for nothing.

 

When you want your kids to have something (anything) then figure you pay because you think it's the right thing to do.

 

You can take your exW back to court but it may cost you way more than you would gain from the ex - and it still doesn't make her pay you - you can't get blood from that turnip.

 

Knowing that she doesn't intend to pay her share - just start spending 30% less than planned.

 

So your daughters car needs repairs? Have her also pay her share = 30%. If she has to wait longer to save the money then wait until she saves the $120

 

And the school trip - you are capable of saying no. Or ask the school for financial aid for the trip.

 

Even turnips have some nutrient to them, so yes he can take her to court and yes he can most likely get a lien on any acquisitions titled in her name. The Courts Have ways to garnish wages or even Lower her monthly support if he has proof of his over expenditures that she did not contribute towards. Again the document will be key along with his documentation. paying 500$ for a lawyer to get this women to pay is worth it, He is already paying thousands due to her lack of contribution.....Its time to put things back to the agreed upon regulations.

[Thicke2013]

So you keep paying but you want to complain about it?

 

You can change it if you begin participating differently.

 

Don't pay for anything unless you really want to - without expecting anything from anyone else.

 

Your exW is a deadbeat (to some extent). Expect her to pay for nothing.

 

When you want your kids to have something (anything) then figure you pay because you think it's the right thing to do.

 

You can take your exW back to court but it may cost you way more than you would gain from the ex - and it still doesn't make her pay you - you can't get blood from that turnip.

 

Knowing that she doesn't intend to pay her share - just start spending 30% less than planned.

 

So your daughters car needs repairs? Have her also pay her share = 30%. If she has to wait longer to save the money then wait until she saves the $120

 

And the school trip - you are capable of saying no. Or ask the school for financial aid for the trip.

 

Yes I continue to pay because I don't want my kids to suffer because of their mother.

 

When the two of you were married, did she provide more for the children, or as much as she is providing now ?

 

Your other kids [the non-adult ones], what are their ages ?

 

Do the kids perceive what is happening ?

That their mother is less involved than you ?

 

I have always made more money, which is not unusual. She has never taken any steps to better herself. This will be her 4th time going back to school. I paid for the other 3 and she didn't finish either time. When we were divorcing I told her of a job that I knew about and even talked to the person hiring whom I knew and the said they would hire her. It was making about $200 more per week than her current job with better benefits but it was a factory job. She refused and basically told me that she was doing just fine living off of me. She has lived off of me all of her life. I bought our first house at the age of 19 on my own.

 

The other kids are 12 and 6. The youngest obviously doesn't understand what is going on. My 12 year old I think does to some extent but when my ex is always telling them that this is because of the divorce, I am worried what they really think. When it came to the school trip, I told her to text her mom. I want her to tell them no, not me because that is what she is really doing. My mindset is, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that my kids don't do without. I will work 2-3 jobs if necessary and have done that in the past.

Even turnips have some nutrient to them, so yes he can take her to court and yes he can most likely get a lien on any acquisitions titled in her name. The Courts Have ways to garnish wages or even Lower her monthly support if he has proof of his over expenditures that she did not contribute towards. Again the document will be key along with his documentation. paying 500$ for a lawyer to get this women to pay is worth it, He is already paying thousands due to her lack of contribution.....Its time to put things back to the agreed upon regulations.

 

I am definitely still documenting. My plan is to let it reach a certain amount (not yet determined) and then take that to the lawyer. Her and her current bf appear to be content with just scraping by, but I won't let that affect my children. I just don't understand how some people put the responsibility of caring for their children off on others. I guess I am too proud for that.

 

Just yesterday, she contacted me about paying her back for some medical co-pays where she took our daughter knowing that they didn't accept our insurance, but she took her there because it was convenient for her. Now she wants me to pay her back for those co-pays. How does she figure that is my responsibility?

[2sunny]

You can't keep kids from experiencing pain and suffering - it's part of their learning curve.

 

And forcing your ex to do her part is just controlling... Unless you plan to spend a lot of money on attorneys.

 

If she paid the copay then if tell her that's her part of participating as a parent.

 

If need be do not communicate with her any more than necessary.

 

It will be frustrating for you if you expect her to do what's right - she obviously isn't going to.

 

Your kids can learn to live with having less... That never hurt kids - in fact they might learn to appreciate things more. And if they want things that badly, they will get creative to figure out how to EARN what they want.

[Thicke2013]

You can't keep kids from experiencing pain and suffering - it's part of their learning curve.

 

And forcing your ex to do her part is just controlling... Unless you plan to spend a lot of money on attorneys.

 

If she paid the copay then if tell her that's her part of participating as a parent.

 

If need be do not communicate with her any more than necessary.

 

It will be frustrating for you if you expect her to do what's right - she obviously isn't going to.

 

Your kids can learn to live with having less... That never hurt kids - in fact they might learn to appreciate things more. And if they want things that badly, they will get creative to figure out how to EARN what they want.

 

My kids aren't handed anything. People keep saying let them earn it. Do you guys make your kids work for everything? No, some things they get just because they are our children. I grew up working and learned the value of hard work at an early age and pass that on to my children. All of them have chores and all of them understand that you get what you work for not what someone gives you. Not sure how trying to get their mother to honor the legally binding divorce settlement to you is controlling. I don't understand that logic. Insisting that someone follow the laws is controlling? She signed it the same as I did. I'm not one of those parents that gives my children everything by far.

 

She is now taking night classes and during the school week she will not see them at all. When I suggested that on the nights she won't see them they could stay with me, she blew up and started yelling at me and cursing saying I was trying to take her children away. I didn't make her sign up to take night classes. She did that on her own. On those nights she won't get home until well after 10pm and the kids will be in bed. She said the kids would stay with her bf on those nights. I told her no offense, but I'm their dad. Not him and if she isn't going to be home, then they should stay with me. I would love more time with them. I don't know, I try to talk things through with her and she just yells and curses. No surprise I guess. If we could communicate well, then I guess we'd still be married. I guess I was just hoping people in similar circumstances could offer some advice.

 

[2sunny]

It wasn't worth it to try to "reason" with my crazy exH.

 

I started doing my own thing.

 

If my actions caused me to resent him then I reconsidered my actions. I began to eliminate circumstances that sparked resentments.

 

That was something I was capable of controlling FOR ME.

 

Being resentful was just handing him too much of my power.