My Mother Has Bipolar Disorder & How That's Shaped My Life

[Maid Marian]

I apologize in advance if my thoughts aren't exactly orderly and if this is long. This isn't something I have discussed with many people and the events of yesterday are still somewhat playing in my head on repeat.

 

Yesterday started as a fairly normal day for me. I went to work and after work came home. Well, not to my home, but to my mother's home. I'm in my late twenties, but due to financial reasons had to move back home a couple of years ago. I dreaded moving back in with my mother because growing up life with my mother was hell.

 

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before I was even born and I feel like that shaped every one of our interactions, my childhood and adolescence, and the person I ultimately became.

 

On the one hand, my mother is caring, doting, and entirely everything a mother should be. On the other she is irritable, depressed, paranoid, and just a completely different person for lack of a better description. It's like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You never know when Mr. Hyde is going to come out or how long he'll stay. You have no idea whether she's taken her pills or God forbid the combination of pills has stopped working.

 

I have debated cutting off communication with her so many times over the years. It would just be the easiest thing and probably the best thing for my own mental health because I have this tendency to internalize the things she does or to become complacent and forget that my mother may turn into a different person at the drop of a hat.

 

I feel is if I'm always walking on eggshells around her or gauging her reactions and behaviors to see whether she's "herself" or if she's taken her pills.

 

Yesterday, just yesterday, she flew into some fit, over what I still don't know, and lamented that I hated her, cared nothing about her what so ever, and I was incapable of feeling anything for anyone and needed some sort of psychiatric help. There was more, but that was the gist of it.

 

The sad thing is she still can get to me. It bothers me to hear her say these things or see her act this way and it bothers me even more that it bothers me because I know she is unwell.

 

She will never be a normal, healthy person and no matter how long she can maintain normalcy the other shoe will always drop with her. It's only a matter of time.

 

What is even sadder is when this episode ends, she will be remorseful and "herself" again. But the damage to our relationship will be done. I think after living with her again, something I haven't done since I was sixteen, I will need more therapy, time to heal, and I will have to relearn what is healthy behavior and not again because living like this makes everything seem convoluted. Sometimes, I really do wonder if I am the crazy one.

 

I will be moving out in two weeks, but I don't know what type of relationship I will maintain with her after this. I found it's easier for me when I'm not near her (we'll be hours apart again) because I can somewhat control our interactions, but honestly, after yesterday, if we never spoke it again it would probably be too soon in my book.

 

The idea of us never speaking again always saddens me though because my mother is a lovely person...sometimes. But I feel sometimes as if continuing any sort of contact with her just leaves me open to this. But then again, living with her gives her far more power than if I lived a phone call away where I could easily hang up or not answer if necessary.

 

I don't know what to do other than continue with my plans to move. It's hard for me though that this is how we'll spend our last couple of weeks together before I move away again..I just wish my mother was something other than this.

[ja123]

I'm so sorry for your pain. You might want to look at Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents". It could be helpful to you.

[whichwayisup]

A great website with lots of information and a book to download is called depression fallout. (includes all types of mental illness, not just depression).

 

So sorry to read about your mom. Just know that she does love you, she's just not well and never will be 100% healthy.

 

Do counseling, don't let her mental illness ruin you and your life.

 

You're strong and have been through a lot, much more probably than many others your age..

 

Don't cut your mom out of your life but learn to deal with her in a new way that doesn't allow her to affect you so deeply (easier said than done..). When she is at her worst, that's the time to avoid her, and when she's doing better, talk to her about this stuff.

 

Does she do counseling too or just on meds?

[KaliKatherine]

I grew up with a bipolar mother too. I completely understand the Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde phenomenon. Unfortunately in my mother's case, her bipolar has not been well-controlled (manias yearly or even twice yearly more recently, outright refuses to take lithium the generally most effective medicatin for most bipolars, uses high THC cannibas when manic and who knows what kind of interactions THAT has with her current medications) and this has resulted in her having delusional, magical thinking that has wrought catastrophic consequences for our entire family.

 

I chose poorly when I married, and looking back on my married relationship now, some of the behaviors I accepted or made excuses for, and certainly my fear of conflict came from living with a bipolar mother. I was sort of 'primed' if you will, to select a partner with some similar traits (the man I married was not diagnosed with any mental illness, but he does display a lot of cluster B personality disorder type symptoms)

 

I also have 2 daughters for which she often will guilt-trip me about not seeing enough of, not letting her do things like take them out to lunch (etc) but honestly, her judgement is so poor Im not comfortable leaving her alone with my daughters. Even when I am with her I observe her to do things like pick up my 13 month old only by the neckline of her onesie to move her from the couch to the floor(no support of her body), or while supposedly 'watching' her in the backyard while Im making dinner, leaves her alone for a few minutes (comes back inside the house) where there is no view of the wading pool from which she is getting water out of to 'water' flowers in the yard. When I point these things out to her and say, hey this isn't safe, the response I get is an in-your-face 'I raised 2 children, I didn't kill anyone, look at me, I'm 65 years old'

 

She saw a psychic a few summers ago during a mania who told her that she was destined to become a great artist, but only as a single woman...and that theme started to recur in her manias (the desire to be a great artist and single woman) so the most recent mania she moved out and shortly thereafter served my father with divorce papers, from a highly litigious attorney...this was after declaring to me, my sister, and my father that she would 'negotiate a fair settlement' to protect the assets they have in real estate, retirement, etc. and not involve costly legal counsel.

 

She is now also basically spreading lies about my father being a controlling alcoholic to anyone who will listen...a man who has been the only working spouse in a 40 year marriage, goes above and beyond to help his family, friends, always ensured that his wife the artist had a studio to work in to make her art (which has never been profitable nor consistently produced), was a very present father despite working as a firefighter and also building 2 homes, maintaining rental property throuout the years of their marriage.

 

To my sister she has often criticized her choice in men and called her grandson 'not a real grandson' since my sister and her boyfriend are not legally married. He is gainfully employed (police officer) and a very involved, supportivedad. She has even made public comments on FB about this and has during past manias called her up out of the blue to basically rant about her being an 'ungrateful daughter'.

 

I could go on, as if I haven't already gone on long enough (!) but the main reason I shared these things is that you are slightly younger than I am, and from the sound of it do not yet have any children of your own. Having children adds a whole ' other dimension to the complexity of having a mentally ill parent (now grandparent).

 

The trouble with the flares of a mental illness like bipolar is...you just never know what direction or impact the crazy bouts will have. Im at a defining point in my relationship with my mother, as she truly has in the past 2 years mostly become someone I feel like I no longer know. It's as if the delusional, magical thinking has replaced her true, actual self and even revised some parts of her personal history.

 

Distance can definitely be a blessing. I wish I had an ideal solution for myself and perhaps some wisdom to impart to you (I don't) but you certainly do have my empathy. I plan to check out those books some other posters mentioned too.

[KaliKatherine]

Also, meant to add I disagree with WhichWayisup comment about don't cut your mother out of your life--while it's not desirable or easy to cut your mother out of your life, you and only you are best equipped to make that determination. That's a highly personal, painful (but in some cases) necessary decision.

 

I'm not saying that I think it's necessary in your case, nobody knows the facts and history in the manner that you do--however if you get to that point where the boundaries are shot all to h#ll and you're just done and done--you have to protect yourself and your mental health too. I'm confident a good therapist can help you sort this out.

[Maid Marian]

Thank you all.

 

I haven't responded sooner simply because I haven't felt like addressing the issue that is my mother. It's a troubling habit I have in which in my mind I just black her out and everything that goes along with her. I speak to her if and when necessary, but only then. I don't think of her or the things she does or says when she's like that and I try to retain some sense of normalcy.

 

It's taken me the past twelve days to feel anything like myself.

 

You do not know or cannot fathom the amount of abuse I have suffered at the hands of my mother over the years. I remember moving out at sixteen and being determined never to see her again. During my adolescence, my mother almost drove me to suicide. I dreamed of being an orphan.

 

After a time, I was able to "normalize". I received therapy, moved far away, and limited my interactions with my mother. Also, I suppose it helps that her condition became much more controlled during this time or at least, so it appeared to me, but then again, my mother can to some extent mask her episodes until she cannot any longer.

 

The fact that she is ill has never been any sort of comfort to me. I feel as if it should be and I've been told so many times by so many people (therapists included), "your mother is ill," like that should be some type of consolation to me. It isn't. Though I can appreciate the sentiment behind it.

 

My entire life has been the equivalent of being in an abusive relationship that you cannot escape from because of 'blood ties'. I want out. More than I want my next breath. And that makes me feel more guilty than you could ever know.

 

The past few years my mother had made real progress, from what I could see. Her episodes seemed almost nonexistent. She seemed fine and I let my guard drop. I blame myself for even being in such close proximity with her.

 

My mother has sought therapy in the past and to my knowledge has been seeing the same psychiatrist (or psychologist?) for years now. But it's possible she's stopped going especially if she hasn't been taking her meds. I'd have no way of knowing and if I ask her about it, if she has, she'll lie to me about it.

[Downtown]

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before I was even born.

Marian, there is a good chance that most of the dysfunctional behavior you describe is caused by BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not by bipolar disorder. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 36% of the bipolar-1 sufferers also had co-occurring, full-blown BPD.

 

Significantly, even if your mother's therapist had recognized that she also suffers from BPD, it is unlikely he would have told her or her family. Therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder (because it usually is not in the client's best interests to be told). Instead, therapists will list the diagnosis only as the co-occurring clinical disorders such as bipolar, depression, and anxiety.

 

You never know when Mr. Hyde is going to come out or how long he'll stay.

If her mood change is caused by bipolar, it typically will take about two weeks for Mr. Hyde to "come out" and he usually will stay around for two weeks. The reason is that bipolar mood changes are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry that typically take weeks to develop. If you see Mr. Hyde come out once or twice a year, that would be normal for bipolar. If you see him as often as four times a year, that is called "rapid cycling." Granted, ultra-rapid cycling is possible but it is rare -- and it typically occurs right as the bipolar sufferer is slipping into psychosis. Significantly, this pattern of slow gradual changes is NOT what you are describing.

 

My mother may turn into a different person at the drop of a hat.... just yesterday, she flew into some fit.

These rapid mood flips -- which occur in ten seconds, not two weeks -- are a hallmark of BPD. They occur so rapidly because they are NOT caused by body chemistry. Rather, they are caused by the person being stuck with the emotional development of a four year old. That is, the BPDer is unable to regulate her own emotions and has a very fragile, unstable self image -- just like a four year old does. The rages and temper tantrums thus will appear -- in seconds -- whenever you trigger one of her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

 

I feel is if I'm always walking on eggshells around her.

That is exactly how you should be feeling if you are living with a BPDer loved one. This is why the best selling BPD book (targeted to the abused family members) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

You have no idea whether she's taken her pills or God forbid the combination of pills has stopped working.

Medication won't make a dent in BPD because it is caused by emotional immaturity, not by body chemistry changes. Granted, psychiatrists routinely prescribe meds for BPDers. It is not prescribed to treat the BPD, however. It is prescribed because BPDers nearly always have one or two co-occurring "clinical" disorders such as bipolar, depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, or adult ADHD.

 

She will never be a normal, healthy person and no matter how long she can maintain normalcy the other shoe will always drop with her. It's only a matter of time.

About 80% of bipolar-1 sufferers can be treated quite successfully with medication. The success rate in treating BPD, however, is far lower -- I would guess around 1%. It is very rare for a BPDer to have both the self awareness and ego strength required to be willing to work hard in therapy for years. My BPDer exW, for example, went to weekly sessions with six different psychologists for 15 years -- and all that therapy did not make a dent in her BPD. Not one dent. Instead, it just got worse.

 

I really do wonder if I am the crazy one.

"Crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling while living with a BPDer. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one that is most notorious for making the partners and family members feel like they may be losing their minds. The result is that therapists generally see far more of those partners and family members -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I will be moving out in two weeks, but I don't know what type of relationship I will maintain with her after this.

I strongly recommend that you move out ASAP. I also recommend that you see a therapist -- ideally, a psychologist -- who has much experience in treating BPDers and their family. An experienced professional can help you decide how much contact, if any, you should maintain with your mother (so you are able to heal).

 

The idea of us never speaking again always saddens me though because my mother is a lovely person...sometimes.

Generally, BPDers are not bad people. There problem is not being bad or evil but, rather, being emotionally unstable. Hence, when BPDers are splitting you white, they can be very caring and compassionate people. Moreover, they exhibit a child-like display of emotions that makes them very lovable -- as long as you don't draw too close to them. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Living with her gives her far more power than if I lived a phone call away where I could easily hang up or not answer if necessary.

Even if your mother does have BPD, it is important -- for her own well being -- that she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad behavior and bad choices. Otherwise, she has no incentive to learn how to control her emotions, i.e., learn how to become more emotionally mature. This is why your enabling behavior -- allowing her to be abusive and get away with it -- is harmful to both of you. And this is why the BPD book (mentioned above) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I don't know what to do.

Again, I suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with and guidance. While your looking for a good psychologist, I suggest you read my description of the differences I've seen between the behavior of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW). It is located at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. You will find a more detailed description of the BPD warning signs in my post at Rebel's Thread. If most of those warning signs ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Marian.

[amaysngrace]

Your mom threw a fit and said you don't care about her and you're here saying if you never see her again would be too soon for you?

 

She may have a point.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know what you mean about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I have a very old close friend who sounds just like your mother. I am one of the only people who can sometimes reverse her when she's about to go into the black hole. On top of bipolar 2, she is diagnosed narcissistic. I love her to pieces, and she's very giving and very loving, but then it can only go so far before that reverses. Then she's a crazy person. She has times she's suicidal. She can't help it. Always remember that your mother wouldn't be like that if she had a choice. I'm not saying that means you have to stick around and put up with it. It's too much stress for most people. But I would just ask you to be sure you understand what being bipolar really means and how if she had it her way, she's be energetic and loving and never go into her hellhole of dispair and pain. I know she loves you. Never doubt that. It's best you don't live with her and that way you can call and see what mood she's in before you go see her. It works better that way.

 

Best wishes. Glad you're talking to someone. Need to keep an eye on yourself just in case.

[Maid Marian]

Your mom threw a fit and said you don't care about her and you're here saying if you never see her again would be too soon for you?

 

She may have a point.

 

During this incident, my mother, unprovoked I might add, physically attacked me. It was not the first time. The last time she physically attacked me before this incident was when I was fourteen and she tried to put my eye out with a knife. I graduated high school a year early after that to move out on my own to an apartment where I did not have electricity or transportation or even food to escape my mother.

 

My mother is mentally unstable. Until you live with someone who is mentally unstable that has abused you both verbally and physically your entire life from childhood on and nearly drove you to suicide to escape you have no right to judge me.

 

I politely request that you stay out of this thread and any future threads of mine.

[Maid Marian]

Marian, there is a good chance that most of the dysfunctional behavior you describe is caused by BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not by bipolar disorder. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 36% of the bipolar-1 sufferers also had co-occurring, full-blown BPD.

 

It could be that she has both. I would have no way of knowing. I know only what she tells me and what I was told from my father, whom she is no longer with obviously because of her numerous issues.

 

Before I moved back home, my mother seemed fine. In the past few years, I would say, my mother has reached a stage of normalcy that was both surprising and refreshing, but who really knows because prior to me moving back in with her my dealings with her were strictly over the phone and in short visits.

 

Growing up, I think I was a burden to her. I've often thought my mother was someone that should not have had children and having my sister and I to raise and deal with I think was a great burden on what little mental health she has.

 

I spent as much of my childhood away from my mother as I could after my parents split, but at a certain point my father moved away and my mother didn't want us going to live with him. I think it was more a control issue than actually wanting us. She didn't want to be that 'crazy woman' who wasn't capable of raising her own children, I think. But then again the flip side of my mother's personality is very loving so maybe in all actuality she did want us very much. It's hard to tell as my perception of her is so skewed.

 

My father, for his part, thought we'd be better off with our mother and that children need their mothers. He later admitted this was a terrible, terrible mistake. Though I've always suspected that he just didn't want to be bothered with her anymore even as a co-parent and simply gave us up in the process.

 

When I was younger, it seemed to me that these fits were less often. Maybe she'd fly into a rage over nothing one day and slap me for no reason, but it wasn't an often occurrence, but then I wasn't with her everyday or even the majority of the time either.

 

My memories of my mother prior to my father moving away are vague and murky at best. Most of them are happy with her playing with me or tucking me in at night, but I also very much remember her being unstable then. Unstable enough that I spent as much of my childhood at my father's as I could. I also remember them arguing a lot before the split mostly about her treatment of my sister and I and my father calling her "sick".

 

When my father moved when I was twelve my sister and I were left alone exclusively in her care and I all remember is wishing she'd moved away instead.

 

After that, things went downhill. My mother would go on these rants were she'd talk of killing herself, but then, she would even out and seem fine again. Everything seemed to make her irritable. Everything. But then she would even out and seem fine again.

 

It was like this continuous insane circle of events and I was somewhere stuck between loving her and hating her. I hated her for attacking my sister and I for no reason, for threatening to kill herself continuously, and for not being able to maintain normalcy. But then months would pass and she'd seem fine. Loving, supportive, normal.

 

For my part, as a child and a teenager, I marginalized the abuse. It was just the way things were and I didn't want anyone to know about it or to talk about it or think about it. I think because that made it real. Even now, there are things I simply don't speak of or even think of. It's too raw like a wound that never completely healed.

 

Because that's not my mother. My mother is the woman who brought me my jacket to school when I'd forget it on days she knew it would be cold, my mother is the woman who kisses me every year on my birthday on the cheek, my mother is the one who always supports everything- every choice and decision I make.

 

I don't know who this other woman is or what to make of her and trying to reconcile her and my mother as the same person is almost unfathomable for me. It is unfathomable and I think that's why it's so hard for me to deal with her. I don't know what to make of her or what to think.

 

It's just easier for me to throw my hands up, say she's crazy, and move on with life. But the guilt from that would likely kill me and I would worry that she would fall into a state of depression and kill herself as well if I did. My sister stopped talking to her for a few years after reaching adulthood and my mother became very depressed over it. I think if we were to cut her off for good the affect that would have on her psyche would be catastrophic.

 

I will look up the links you mentioned in your post.

 

One thing that stood out to me is you said I'm enabling her. I agree one hundred percent. We all are. I couldn't even begin to know how to talk to her about her actions. She's apologetic and I'm stoic, that has always been our relationship it seems.

[sm2281]

I apologize in advance if my thoughts aren't exactly orderly and if this is long. This isn't something I have discussed with many people and the events of yesterday are still somewhat playing in my head on repeat.

 

Yesterday started as a fairly normal day for me. I went to work and after work came home. Well, not to my home, but to my mother's home. I'm in my late twenties, but due to financial reasons had to move back home a couple of years ago. I dreaded moving back in with my mother because growing up life with my mother was hell.

 

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before I was even born and I feel like that shaped every one of our interactions, my childhood and adolescence, and the person I ultimately became.

On the one hand, my mother is caring, doting, and entirely everything a mother should be. On the other she is irritable, depressed, paranoid, and just a completely different person for lack of a better description. It's like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You never know when Mr. Hyde is going to come out or how long he'll stay. You have no idea whether she's taken her pills or God forbid the combination of pills has stopped working.

 

I have debated cutting off communication with her so many times over the years. It would just be the easiest thing and probably the best thing for my own mental health because I have this tendency to internalize the things she does or to become complacent and forget that my mother may turn into a different person at the drop of a hat.

 

I feel is if I'm always walking on eggshells around her or gauging her reactions and behaviors to see whether she's "herself" or if she's taken her pills.

 

Yesterday, just yesterday, she flew into some fit, over what I still don't know, and lamented that I hated her, cared nothing about her what so ever, and I was incapable of feeling anything for anyone and needed some sort of psychiatric help. There was more, but that was the gist of it.

 

The sad thing is she still can get to me. It bothers me to hear her say these things or see her act this way and it bothers me even more that it bothers me because I know she is unwell.

 

She will never be a normal, healthy person and no matter how long she can maintain normalcy the other shoe will always drop with her. It's only a matter of time.

What is even sadder is when this episode ends, she will be remorseful and "herself" again. But the damage to our relationship will be done. I think after living with her again, something I haven't done since I was sixteen, I will need more therapy, time to heal, and I will have to relearn what is healthy behavior and not again because living like this makes everything seem convoluted. Sometimes, I really do wonder if I am the crazy one.

 

I will be moving out in two weeks, but I don't know what type of relationship I will maintain with her after this. I found it's easier for me when I'm not near her (we'll be hours apart again) because I can somewhat control our interactions, but honestly, after yesterday, if we never spoke it again it would probably be too soon in my book.

 

The idea of us never speaking again always saddens me though because my mother is a lovely person...sometimes. But I feel sometimes as if continuing any sort of contact with her just leaves me open to this. But then again, living with her gives her far more power than if I lived a phone call away where I could easily hang up or not answer if necessary.

I don't know what to do other than continue with my plans to move. It's hard for me though that this is how we'll spend our last couple of weeks together before I move away again..I just wish my mother was something other than this.

 

Mym mom had bi polar. she was also skitzophrenic and narcissistic. I only lived with her when I was a small child, and kept in contact with her until she died. I never lived with her agian.

 

When I was pregnant with my first son my mother threatened to kidnap my son from me and I was asking about medical history etc, (befoe the threat) and she got all nuts like you said. And stormed back on the bus to the town she lived in. She woudlnt answer any medical history for the family, for my pregnancy, etc. So, after the incident i had to get a letter sent to her because I was genuinely afraid (as a new mother myself) from an attorney that said we would not hesitate to take action. She was HOOOOT. She was mad and made eeven more threats. I think the key is, that you have to get yoru bluff in early (because I would have never had my own mother hauled off over silliness caused by her disease)

 

After that I had 2 other children, and I lived happily ever after (as good as it gets I guess) I spoke with her every week, and we visited a couple of times per year (she lived far away). We never spoke of any personal matters. We never spoke of any harm done, or anything out of the ordinary. A WHOLE LOT of small talk. If you want to keep in contact, be nosey about names and numbers, and talk to the mental health professionals and see if you can get a POA to REALLY find out where she is. But jsut dont go into alot of detail with her when you are speaking to her if it is that harmful.....I foudn it to be good. When it is bad, they just want contact. And small talk works for that.

 

If you can get a POA that would be best for you to know what is really going on. My mom tried to kill herself and put herself in a coma for 6 months with all the medication she took. She did not die, but her therapist did call me and tell me that outside of HIPPA, because she thought it was important that I knew. And I was terribly sad that mom had not listed me on her paperwork at the hospital. I didn;t even know she had cancer until another of her therapists called me from hospice. And then I had to start getting nosey, so in advance, you should get a POA to at least be on her hospital record as contact if something terrible is happening.

 

But yes, keep in touch. Take care of her, but you don't have to go into alot of detail. My mom was pretty much happy with our situation, calling weekly (sometimes monthly, or every 2 weeks) and seeing eachother at least once per year.

[Downtown]

Before I moved back home, my mother seemed fine.

Marian, the vast majority of BPDers -- even those with full-blown BPD -- are high functioning, i.e., they generally "seem fine" as long as you don't try to be close to them. They tend to get along "fine" with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers because none of those folks pose a threat to their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Indeed, they may even get along well with family members and close friends who live a long distance away. Until you draw close, there is no close LTR that can be abandoned and no intimacy that can cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Heaven help these people, however, when they try to draw close to the BPDer in a long term relationship, an action that will trigger her fears of abandonment and engulfment. This is why it is common for a high functioning BPDer to be caring and considerate all day long to complete strangers -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love her.

 

I was somewhere stuck between loving her and hating her.

You were "stuck" in that grey area because you have the emotional maturity and ego strength to be able to tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings. BPDers, however, are too immature emotionally. They therefore "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of their conscious minds. In this way, they only have to deal with one intense feeling (e.g., love or hate) at a time.

 

The result is that a BPDer can flip -- in just ten seconds -- between adoring you and devaluing (even hating) you. Significantly, this "black-white thinking" is evident in your descriptions of your mother often turning against you in seconds. If she is a BPDer, it also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You always..." and "You never...." Like a young child, a BPDer cannot handle the "grey" areas of human relationships. Her subconscious mind therefore will protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of the grey reality by splitting off the conflicting feelings.

 

I don't know who this other woman is or what to make of her and trying to reconcile her and my mother as the same person is almost unfathomable for me.

If your mother is a BPDer, her emotions are so uncontrolled that she will experience feelings so intense that they severely distort her perceptions of your intentions and motivations. At those times -- which occur when one of her two fears is triggered -- her dark side will emerge. That is, her dark side and sweet side are two aspects of the very same personality. Yet, because she is unable to remain in touch with her loving and hating feelings simultaneously, she will APPEAR to be changing from one personality to another.

 

Both of those states, however, are simply two different aspects of the same person who -- unlike you -- is unable to tolerate strong mixed feelings. This is why a BPDer's hateful behavior during a rage cannot be moderated or negated by her loving feelings. She simply is not in touch with those conflicting feelings at a conscious level. You will see the very same behavior in three year olds who will flip, in seconds, from loving mommy (for bringing out the toys) to hating mommy (for taking one toy away). This, at least, is my understanding of it, Marian.

[dragonfire13]

It's crazy how reading this was like reading about my own current situation... so if it helps, you are not alone! And your explanation has helped me understand better what I think is going on with my mother (who would laugh if you told her to get counselling or therapy for an official diagnosis) so I must thank you for that.

 

I too am currently living with my mother due to job instability. I've been here around 2 months but it feels like I've been here two years, that's how draining it is. I'm not in a position to move out yet like yourself, but you're doing the right thing by removing yourself from such a toxic environment.

 

How to deal with your mother? I don't think you should cut contact completely, but rather limit contact. She obviously cares about you, as my mother does, hence the doting behaviour. I sadly lost a sibling of mine, and the grief I saw on her was heart-wrenching.

 

Unfortunately, these individuals just are the way they are and there's nothing you can do but limit your interaction with them. I know bipolarity isn't an explanation that makes things necessarily better, but hopefully it provides some comfort that the issue really is theirs and not yours, and you can go about trying to rise about and do the right thing, grateful that you have the ability to whereas they don't.

Edited October 10, 2014 by dragonfire13

[melodicintention]

Maybe your mother has other psychological issues comorbid to the Bipolar. If she's switching personalities, that's not Bipolar. Bipolar is a mood disorder, not personality. She may be a Borderliner personality or other personality disorder.

 

I am Bipolar II (mixed and rapid cycling) and although I can go from manic to depressed in one minute, I don't change my personality. And my medication doesn't suddenly stop working, never has. I take just 600 mg of Lithium and day and I"m even. The only time it doesn't work is when I don't take it at all. And that is so very rare because I get no side effects so I have no reason not to take it. I suspect she has more going on that just BD. She could be taking the wrong medicine too, prior to me being diagnosed BD i was given Paxil which turned out was accelerating my manic moods.

 

As far as a solution, not sure this could be easy for you to do but maybe try to get into family counseling and let the counseling lead to discovery if there is more mental issues underlying.

 

Good luck sweetie.

[dragonfire13]

Hi Extasis, I just wanted to say I understand the guilty feeling with feeling obligated to help out with your parents situation. But I don't think you need to feel bad for making yourself a priority right now.

 

Plus, once your situation improves, you might be able to help them out financially, but that's entirely your choice and I don't think you're obligated, especially if their issues affect your ability to get on with things. It's not selfish to want to avoid immersing yourself in that toxic environment, especially if things improve when you remove yourself from it.

 

And it sounds like they really appreciate your visits so that probably means a lot to them right now.

[hope2014]

Hi Marian,

 

I have never been in that situation but I totally understand what you've been through. I hope you keep believing that all these bad experiences will come to pass and that pay day of happiness will arise.

 

I wish you still find a reason to smile

 

P.S In case you need more recommendation for a good therapist, you may see this.