Ending relationship with parent

[robaday]

Has anyone done this on this forum?

 

 

I'm near the point of no return with my dad and his lack of self awareness has hurt me too many times now. He wasn't around when I was growing up, worked in another country and we were lucky to see him two months a year. Up until the age of 12 or so I loved seeing him, but slowly began to resent the way he treated my mother.

 

 

I turned out like my mum, quiet, sensitive, a bookworm. Instead of fixing cars with him I wanted to read a philosophy book, instead of working for him in labouring I wanted to be a writer. He always wanted me to be more like him, trying to get me to work for him.

 

 

It all came to a head when my sister passed away. All of a sudden the concept of family came to the fore, and rather than looking after my mother he stayed abroad. Fine by me, it was what I was used to, but I saw how much my mother suffered and how much she needed him. She loved him.

 

 

2 years after, we found out hed been cheating the whole time. Had raised another child on the other side of the world. Hed neglected my family and not just that, not been supportive when he was around. We didn't talk for a year afterward, I nearly cut him out for good, part of me just wanted him to love me, to respect me, to show an interest in me, I held out that hope and retained a distant relationship.

 

 

A month ago he told my sister that he was disappointed in our choice of careers, that we may as well be on benefits, that he provided for us and we in turn refused to work for him. He told her he has left everything apart from his car in his will for my sister (the one I haven't met). Hes a multimillionaire.

 

 

I'm not motivated by money, I've never asked for money from him, the will is the least of my issues. My issue is that he doesn't respect me and no matter how many times I try with him I end up feeling hurt and bewildered.

[d0nnivain]

You have to make the choice that will make you happiest. I cut my mom out of my life for almost 2 years but we eventually reconciled.

 

Before cutting your dad out completely, I'd just put some distance in there. See & interact with him on holidays & such but don't go out of your way for him.

[LuckyLady13]

robaday, there always should be consequences for our actions and being your father was so neglectful over the years, hurt you, hurt your mother terribly...he should now have to face the consequences of those actions. He spent years of your lives being absent so to now expect you to bend over backwards to make him happy is completely unreasonable!!

 

From what you said, I can see how you're feeling. Wanting to be loved by your parents both, not feeling good enough for your dad, not pleasing him and feeling rejected yet again. Because of the neglect and rejection from your father so continuously over the years, you aren't seeing the position you are actually in clearly. This is completely understandable.

 

Where you really are in your life is in a position to find the love you've always wanted but in other places with good people who will treat you right and when your father pulls the guilt and shame routines he has been pulling with you, tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, walk away and enjoy your life with people who are present, the opposite of neglectful and create lives for you and your mother full of peace, happiness, joy and respect.

 

At the present time you are very sensitive to what your father says to you and it hurts and this is understandable so at the time being, I suggest you put great distance between you and your father, put things in place in your life that will make you truly happy and think about him later on when the sting of his words is gone. When you just feel indifferent and a bit numb to what he says.

 

He hasn't earned your respect, has done the exact opposite and spent a long time doing so. It is time he starts suffering the consequences of his actions. Walk away! Ignore anything he says to you that has made you feel bad or unworthy of his respect because he never bothered to earn yours. Stand up on your feet and do what's right for you that makes you happy.

 

You said you've been hurt and bewildered by not having his respect but he does not have yours. And this is where you need to focus.

 

He told you he provided for you and is now disappointed in you?? Really? Because he's your father, it was his idea (not yours) to bring you into this world and it was his job to provide for you after making that decision. You owe him nothing but a "thanks, dad" and move on with your own life, in your own way, blazing your own path and bringing happiness to you in ways that make sense for you.

 

This world needs writers. We also need laborers. Everyone can't be a laborer or we wouldn't have art and music and beautiful things to balance us out. Be the best writer you can be!

 

Your original question was asking if anybody on this forum ended a relationship with a parent. I did but I had to. I have a violent, drug addicted mother who also happens to be a psychopath and needed police protection. So my situation just does not quite relate to yours because it's a different animal entirely. And I'm a person who, because of my lack of family, like to see families stick together whenever possible. But in your case, this is hurting you too much and you need to stop the hurt and just walk away to do what's finally best for you and also, best for your mother.

 

I think it's our job as adult children to do better than our parents did. Learn. Be quicker, smarter, better. I personally think although it's sweet your mother loved your dad, she should've erased him from her life the minute she realized something was going very wrong with him for the benefit of you and her both. Being grown up yourself now, maybe you can show her how it's done.

 

I do relate to you somewhat in how it feels to not have the respect of a parent and also to be neglected. And how it feels when it just goes on and on for years. It does hurt. Quite a bit. However, when I walked away, at first it was confusing but when I got used to it after some time, my life has become so much better now, so much easier, simpler, less static to distract me from reaching goals...I highly recommend it!

[Citizen Erased]

I haven't spoken to my mother for over 3 years. She is an unhappy, self absorbed person that is bored if she isn't arguing with one of her children or parents. She bad mouths my dad and his family even though they broke up because she cheated. There's been years of negativity, fights, just all around crap that has ended up with me blocking her email, from FB etc.

 

To be honest, my life has been better ever since. I'm grateful for the sacrifices she made for her family when we were kids but she is not able to be a mother to her children at this point. I've since given birth to her first grandchild and I don't think she knows.

 

If you feel that cutting your father out will make you happy, do it. But mean it. Just because he helped create you and assisted in some part to how you were raised doesn't give him the right to make you miserable now you're an adult.

[me85]

I have neither a RS with my father nor my mother. I occasionally text my mother, maybe speak to her on the phone every couple of months and may actually see her a few times a year. She lives 45 mins away.

 

You have to do what's best for you. Blood means nothing to me ... and I'm Irish-Italian! lol Blood would mean the world to me, if my immediate family were deserving of my love, my time, but they're not. They hurt me. They continue to hurt me. They abandoned me when I was very young. They've never cared or been there for me. I learned a lot early on and one of the most important things I've ever learned is not to allow people who aren't good to you to be a part of your life. No matter who they are. I've never regretted having that kind of mentality. It is essential to our survival.

[robaday]

Thanks for your responses I appreciate them, they were really really helpful and helped me look at it objectively.

 

The way I feel right now is that the war is over - Ive grieved my loss, my parents have divorced, I've grieved my breakups - there isnt any need for drama in my life anymore nor in fact his, he doesnt need to create this garbage out of nothing and put me and my sister down, I dont need to take it from him or anyone else anymore.

 

I've never worked out if the alcohol is talking or his true self. When he's sober he can be light hearted and warm and interesting and charming. But once he's started drinking (anytime after 10 am) he becomes narcissistic, bigoted and negative. Never saw it as alcoholism when I was a kid, thought it was normal as he never seemed out of control, but as I've myself sobered up I realised that 8+ drinks every day is not normal. Perhaps if he found a way to quit he would become the person I think hes capable of being. But hell never admit he has a problem so it wont happen and Ill never find out.

 

Lucky Lady your post in particular was great and a new way of looking at it. Thank you:)

[ja123]

(((((((((( Hugs, OP )))))))))))))

 

 

I don't speak to my father at all, really. Maybe once a year.

 

 

You might want to check out the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

[whichwayisup]

Detach and only deal with your dad when you absolutely have to. He hasn't been a good father, or a good influence in your life. You do what you feel is best for you.

[pink_sugar]

I didn't end my relationship with my dad, although I have distanced myself from him by moving away...limiting contact. Mostly because he's a negative and bitter person and I don't need that in my life. I talk to him once in awhile, but I am doing fine without the negativity.