Boyfriend's sister makes me uncomfortable

[recycledheart]

So this is my first post... I've been with my boyfriend for four months and everything is perfect between us, we're very much in love and very happy. Since he lives 50 minutes away, however, I drive down to see him every Saturday, and I spend the weekend with him. Since we're both young, we both still live at home, so I get to see his parents too. He has an older sister who's 25 and she lives there as well. However, lately she's been making me a bit uncomfortable.

 

She's very sarcastic, passive aggressive, and controlling, and lately she's been making snide little comments -all aimed at me- which are making me feel as if she doesn't like me despite the fact I've done nothing wrong to her or any of her family members. I absolutely adore my boyfriend's family, his parents, his two other sisters, and his niece and nephews. It's just this third sister I dislike.

 

These comments she makes are about pathetic little things, but as time goes by they're popping up more frequently. My boyfriend asked if I'd like to feed their cats, and I said "Okay if you show me how" (since I'm used to feeding one large dog, not two small cats) and his sister said, all sarcastic "You just put food in a bowl" as if I'm a idiot. The next day, she said to my boyfriend "Its's your turn to feed the cats" then laughed and said "You can show her how to do it since she doesn't know how."

 

Their mother was explaining that she was making coq au vin with mushrooms and I said "Oh I love mushrooms" and the sister said (again, under her breath) "Well, it's more red wine-y than mushroomy, so you probably won't like it... Great." I was eating a popsicle with popping candy in it last time I was there and I said "oh wow, it's got popping candy in it!" and she said, all deadpan and snarky: "Mind. Blown." I just don't understand why she's like this.

 

I tend to leave at around half eight on Sunday night and every weekend without fail she'll say to their mother "Hurry up and get dinner ready she has to go home!" It's as if she can't wait for me to leave.

 

I mean, she's often very rude to her family members, and there have been a few occasions where she's openly yelled at them in front of me, which too makes me feel uncomfortable. However, they don't seem to react to her, it's as if they're used to it, which leads me to infer that she's been like this her whole life. I don't know how to feel about it. If this is just the way she is with everyone, should I just ignore it? I don't want to tell my boyfriend since he hates me being upset or worried even a little bit. If I mention it I have a feeling he'll say something to her and it'll turn into an argument, which I definitely do not want.

 

So any advice on how to deal with her would be great. Should I just ignore her? Should I say something? Should I continue being nice to her and act as if it doesn't bother me just to annoy her? Sorry for the lengthy post, but I just needed to vent.

[carrie_o]

Is she like that with anyone else in her family?

 

If she is not, then it would seem to be aimed at you. I would talk to your bf about it. See if he could say something to his sister about being a little nicer to you. She doesn't have to like you but she needs to respect you, etc.

 

If she is like this with other people, then this could be just the way she is. This could be her way of accepting you into the family... Congrats...

[recycledheart]

She's like it with all of her family members, I guess that's just the way she is. She was lovely to me when we met, and was eager to get to know me, it's just these past few weeks that she's been like this. So maybe you're right, maybe she sees me as a regular part of the family now, rather than a stranger she has to be nice to. I didn't really think of it that way. Either way, it's uncalled for.

[SummerDreams]

The one and only way to react to SO's family member who are annoying in any way is this: ignore it and be nice. Even if she pulls your hair and starts to yell she hates you, you just remain kind and calm. Let her seem the mean one and the weirdo. You'll just stay in the victim's position forever. Don't make my mistakes. Your bf will never align with you against his sister, he'll just get into a weird position where he won't be able to do anything about it. Don't say anything to anybody. Just stay calm and polite at all times.

[amaysngrace]

Don't just stand there and do nothing. Speak up for yourself.

 

If she says hurry up she needs to leave say something like "yea I do so now you need to feed the cats".

 

Give it right back to her.

[recycledheart]

she sounds like a b itch.

 

I almost hate to say it, but she is. I think it's all attention seeking, I think she has serious middle child syndrome to be honest. The eldest sister has children so the parents give her lots of attention for giving them grandchildren. The second sister down is absolutely stunning and really successful. My boyfriend is not only the baby of the family but he's also the only boy. This third sister is stuck in the middle of it all with nothing interesting to offer... I think it's why she acts up so much.

 

I also think it's down to the fact that everyone in the family (apart from her, that is) have said they really like me, but they're not very fond of her boyfriend.

 

I'm just going to continue being nice to her, ignore her when she's being rude, and act as though it doesn't bother me. People like this only want a reaction, and if they don't get one... then it's pointless.

Edited July 23, 2014 by recycledheart

[todreaminblue]

try and engage her in conversation now and again....if she says something like mind blown again.... laugh it off...dont let her get to you...i was talkign to a friend the other day and she sadi to me after i said yeah been coughing my guts up constantly....she said have you lost any weight then....i have a weight issue i am overweight.....but she didnt mean it that way at all it is her sense of humor......sometimes she can say really cutting things but i know it is my sensitivity to words so i let it go...and i smile...because i love her she has one of the kindest hearts i know.....so i agree with the other poster who said be kind smile laugh it off.....go yeah der me.....and smile......

 

 

 

 

but

 

 

 

 

if she pulls your hair........thats different......do a quick sweep kick ....try to make sure it is a softyish surface drag her there fi you have to and then bring her to grounds....so she doesnt hurt herself....ok maybe not a sweep kick .....but dont let another physically abuse you ,i dont care who they are.......i would personally bring anyone who pulled my hair out..... to ground fast...sick of turning the other physical cheek for people to slap they slap too hard........

 

 

because normally a hair hold is a pull in move to a future defined punch in the face........

 

and say no calmly ....you cant do that sorry ask her to release and step away once she is down to ground.......tell her ill take your insults with a grain of salt, ill even smile but i am not your punching bag or doll to dehair.....that's my advice but with words .....smile and let it go...

 

 

 

i woudl expect any guy who i went out with, who had a sister who jumped on me to hit me or pull my hair to tell his sister where to get off before i had to ....get physical..because i dont want to hurt people.....when i dont have to hurt them......only in self defense and its no holds barred for me..i will never let anyone hurt me in that way again without a fight...but verbal words are open to being subjective especially in tone and meaning.........and chances are its never going to be physcial ....thats the only time i would say stand your ground on personal and private space never smile and take it......verbal ....take it and let it go.............deb

Edited July 23, 2014 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she is treating you the way she treats everybody else. I'm not saying her way is nice but her issues aren't aimed at you.

 

Have you mentioned it to your BF? He may have some suggestions or he can stick up for you when she gets like that.

 

You have to take the high road & kill her with kindness. When she made the remark about the coq au vin you say thank you for telling me there was wine in it. When she made the crack about you getting home, thank her for thinking of your schedule. Etc.

 

As for the cats I wouldn't have known either. I wasn't as gracious as you when confronted with a similar issue. I agreed to watch my cousin's very little dog while she went out of town. When I asked her to teach me how to feed it she went nuts railing that I'd had dogs all my life & if I didn't know how to feed a dog I shouldn't have volunteered to take care of hers. She screamed that I should feed hers the way I feed mine. When she stopped yelling I pointed out that 1 portion of food for my dog weighed more than her entire dog so I said I'd just stick her dog in my dog's bowl. (I would never have done that but needed to get her attention) She finally got the point & instructed me on the portion size.

[Mysterio]

2 things come to mind. 1. I think that you have to talk to you BF about this, and for one month document it in a private diary so you have it straight in your head.

 

You need to have resolution about this. Or you have to tell your BF that you can't really socialize with his sister unless its a wedding/funeral.

 

2. I think that you may want to call Dr. Joy Browne she is a radio therapist. She would give you great tips on how to handle the situation. She has a 3 hour radio program that is toll free. I listen to her a lot. 1-855-997-993-7569. Her program is 12 to 3 or something like that. Or you can go to her website as well.

 

Mysterio

[Ronni_W]

She's like it with all of her family members, I guess that's just the way she is. She was lovely to me when we met,

So...the good news is that she has started seeing you as one of the family! It also means that the fault lies with her...for her, it's not personal, not about you.

 

They've been letting her get away with her crappy attitude and behaviour for so long...highly unlikely that they're going to do anything about it at this stage.

 

Best you can do is develop a (very) thick skin whenever she opens her mouth...to anybody. Be only as cordial as necessary...and make sure her immature, biatchy crap stays well out of your "personal bubble" and sphere of influence.

[LuckyLady13]

You've got a little situation on your hands there, don't you? You mentioned she has a boyfriend people aren't fond of? She's angry at you and this may be the reason or there's something else going on you don't realize yet.

 

Yep, she's treating you like family now but at this stage of your relationship (only 4 months), this is too much to deal with already.

 

Some advice you got is quite good and I'd just like to add: Spend the least amount of time around her as you can. Why does it sound like you are at the house so often? Because seeing this from her side of things, you're a stranger she has to "put up with" in her house. Her brother likes you but you may not have been the type of person she'd hang around otherwise. She probably feels forced to "deal with" you so she's got resentment built up. Leaving her alone by going out to dinner and spending time at parks or wherever you like to go with your boyfriend will make her feel a lot more at ease in her own house.

 

I'm not at all saying her approach to you is the right way to go about this situation because it certainly isn't. But it might help you figure out a better way to approach her if you understand where she's coming from.

 

I may have got an impression that you're at the house more often than you are but even if you aren't hanging around the house too often, you two are going to have to think about living your own lives without your families anyway so getting your feet wet by spending a lot of time out of the house and doing your own thing, just you and him, is a really good start.

[recycledheart]

I'm at his place almost every weekend since he lives 50 minutes away, and he works 5 and a half days a week (8am-8pm on weekdays, 8am-4pm on Saturdays), so it's the only time we really get to see one another. We do spend time at my place some weekends too, but there's more to do in the area where he lives, so 9 times out of 10 we're at his house. He works in landscape gardening and he hates being indoors all day, so we do tend to get out of the house as much as we can, going swimming, visiting gardens/parks, eating out etc. Sometimes when we go out for meals his sister tags along. Two weeks ago we went out to eat, and she came along too. It was her idea, so it's all rather confusing.

 

Though I can see where you're coming from. I got a little annoyed when my brother was constantly having his girlfriend over, but I was never mean to the girl, or made her feel unwelcome. I just stayed out of their way. I do ask my boyfriend if it's okay to come over on the weekends I spend at his place, and I make sure he asks his family too. He always says I'm more than welcome, and his parents say the same since they love a full house. Now that I'm thinking about it I assume he doesn't ask his sister.

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to evenly split the time we spend together between his house and mine. I think I might suggest that as well, in addition to speaking about all this with him, he might have some advice himself.

Edited July 23, 2014 by recycledheart

[Hope Shimmers]

It sounds like she doesn't like herself very much and has low self-esteem. That's why she puts others down. It has nothing to do with you.

 

What you should do is to absolutely kill her with kindness. No matter what she says. Respond with kindness. Never waver on that. That will always make you the bigger, better person to everyone. And eventually she will give it up.

[ufo8mycat]

I do ask my boyfriend if it's okay to come over on the weekends I spend at his place, and I make sure he asks his family too. He always says I'm more than welcome, and his parents say the same since they love a full house. Now that I'm thinking about it I assume he doesn't ask his sister.

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to evenly split the time we spend together between his house and mine. I think I might suggest that as well, in addition to speaking about all this with him, he might have some advice himself.

 

I was in a similar situation with my brother's girlfriend, and while I was never mean to her I was snarky. She was in my space because it was convenient for them and there was little I could do about it which caused a lot of resentment.

 

Having another person in the house changes the routine and the dynamic and it is her home as much as your boyfriends. Even if he did ask her - you feel obliged to say yes when what you want to say is get out of my face. '

 

Maybe it's just me but 50 minutes isn't really that far. People commute twice that to and from work each day where I live. So I would give them some space - I really wouldn't like someone else's partner in my house 9/10 weekends for the whole weekend.

 

If I had a flat mate that did that I would find it a pretty big imposition.

 

So try to see it from her perspective. She probably does like you but just doesn't want to live with you every weekend.

[recycledheart]

A quick update for anyone who's interested. I was at their place again this weekend and experienced no problems at all. The sister was perfectly nice to me and even complimented me on what I was wearing. The past couple of weekends prior to this her boyfriend hadn't been down, but this weekend he was there and she seemed happier. Maybe before she was in a bad mood because she missed him or something. Who knows? Either way, it seems that the little comments aren't a constant thing, so I think I should stop worrying so much.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad things are smoothing out. You may be on to something realizing that her comments are more about what's going on with her than anything having to do with you.

[LuckyLady13]

Glad that things sound better when she's in a better mood but I still stand by what I said: Give her space.

 

Sounds like it really is her situation and not you that was on her nerves so bad so who knows. One of these days in the future when things are looking up all around, you two might be good friends!

[Happilyhappy]

I’m happy that things are going good for you.

 

Another small thought is maybe, she wasn’t really trying to be hurtful. My older brother is extremely sarcastic and narcissistic, but he really doesn’t mean any harm by what he says. He actually really enjoys when people say witty sarcastic back at him, maybe she could be the same way.