Going on a date with my mom

[somedude81]

My mom is 55 years old. My parents divorced when she was about 25, and she has never remarried. It's probably been about 10 year since she's had a boyfriend or been on a date. Because of that she uses me for company.

 

I love my mother, but I'm starting to wonder if I actually like being around her.

 

A few days ago she called me up asking me if I wanted to go watch a San Francisco Giants game in San Diego. She has been wanting to go to a Giants game for a while. Truthfully, I did not want to go. But I didn't want her to go by herself, which she would have done.

 

So we do the two hour drive to San Diego, watch the game then stay in a hotel room with two beds. Then we went to some Mormon thing, then Old Town then to the beach and boardwalk area.

 

The whole entire time I'm thinking, "Why the hell am I doing this with my mom?! This would be an awesome date weekend. I wish I was here with my ex instead of my mother!"

 

I really wasn't enjoying myself, and I didn't put in much effort into what I wanted to do and see. She asked me what I wanted to do next and I said that I didn't really care, she said that a girl would want my opinion and for me to be more involved. In my head I'm thinking, "No sh*t. But I'm not on a date with a girl, I'm here with you."

 

I tried as hard as I could to hide my feelings, and I think she bought it. Though I do think I was starting to become a little short with her. She wants to talk way too much.

 

In a little more than a month from now, one of my cousins is graduating High School in Oregon. Several members of the family will be going and at staying at her parents house. My mom wants me to fly into the Bay Area at her expense, where she will meet me and then we'll drive from there into Oregon. I'm not looking forward to the drive, though I am looking forward to the vacation. My mom asked me to look into what I want to do along the way, and she mentioned doing a hike at some national park. And I'm thinking, "Great, another activity that I would love to do with a girlfriend, and yet I'm stuck with my mom." She mentioned that she wanted to drive with me from Oregon all the way back to SoCal and I told her absolutely not, it's much too far of a drive and I much rather fly.

 

I don't know what to do about her except just suck it up.

 

Ever since I got dumped by my ex, I've had the feeling my mom is replacing her, which I completely not OK with.

[contact1]

Dude,

 

It is your mom for crying out loud. How about stop thinking about yourself and getting a girl for a few days and just spend some quality time with her. She is the reason you are even here on this earth.

[iDrumKing]

I hate to be the one to ask the obvious question, but have you talked to her about your concern?

[Els]

I don't understand why you are even thinking of it as a date or comparing it to a date. She's your mother, just think of it as spending a little time with her? Our social time doesn't have to be 100% dating.

[somedude81]

I hate to be the one to ask the obvious question, but have you talked to her about your concern?

No I haven't. How can I?

 

She does know that I was really hurt by my ex dumping me.

 

I believe that she thinks that both of us are lonely, that we should spend time together. I'd rather that she starts dating and try to find company from somebody else other than me.

[somedude81]

I don't understand why you are even thinking of it as a date or comparing it to a date. She's your mother, just think of it as spending a little time with her? Our social time doesn't have to be 100% dating.

Every single thing I did this weekend would have been something I would have preferred to do with a girlfriend.

 

Everything thing was right, except for her.

[Tiger Lily]

My dad died around age 55. Appreciate the time you have with your mom. I get where you're coming from, and I know it must be painful. Just try to keep things in perspective.

[suladas]

I think the fact you can't spend quality time with your mom doing stuff like that has some relevance to your dating troubles.....

[Anela]

The past two years, with the relationship between my mother and I almost destroyed, and now she isn't in good shape, have been the worst. I worry about her every day.

 

Just enjoy your time with her. I'm trying to build my mother's health up again, so that we can get out and do more together.

[Anela]

Every single thing I did this weekend would have been something I would have preferred to do with a girlfriend.

 

Everything thing was right, except for her.

 

Wow, how do you think she would feel if she read that? I'm sure she would have loved to have had a gentleman friend of her own along with her, but she also loves you, her son. She's been there for you when you've had nobody else.

[Els]

Every single thing I did this weekend would have been something I would have preferred to do with a girlfriend.

 

Everything thing was right, except for her.

 

But it's not even the same thing. That's like spending time with your dog or sibling or male friend and wishing they were your girlfriend instead. Even people in relationships spend time with other people whom they aren't in relationships with.

[suladas]

Even people in relationships spend time with other people whom they aren't in relationships with.

 

That's crazy talk!

[somedude81]

My dad died around age 55. Appreciate the time you have with your mom. I get where you're coming from, and I know it must be painful. Just try to keep things in perspective.

That's the thing, I've spent lots and lots of time with my mom. Even before I got my first GF, the one who dumped me, I felt that I was spending too much time with my mom and should be doing X activity with a girl instead of my mother.

 

I'm grateful that I get to spend time with her, just it's more time than I need. I should not be getting tired of my mom's company.

[Noproblem]

She sacrificed her life to raise a child that does not stand her company and prefer an ex for his own mother.

One day you will regret that.

 

a mother is connected to her children, it is emotionally hurt for her that these pieces of her soul are away from her in another city or countries..

 

they would give up their own lives to save their children. They would do it without a blind of an eye.

 

This is true for almost 90 % of mothers, even the ones who abuse their children.

 

I understand it's no fun to be around her, but it's your duty to be with her from time to time, ask about her and talk to her.

 

Pay your debts. She raised you and now it's your turn to take care of her as she grow older, like it or not.

[somedude81]

Wow, how do you think she would feel if she read that? I'm sure she would have loved to have had a gentleman friend of her own along with her, but she also loves you, her son. She's been there for you when you've had nobody else.

My mom isn't even trying to date.

 

She's introverted just like me. The only people my mom even spends time with are her mom and step-dad, and me. That's it.

 

I don't want my mom to depend on me for company. It's not right.

[somedude81]

But it's not even the same thing. That's like spending time with your dog or sibling or male friend and wishing they were your girlfriend instead. Even people in relationships spend time with other people whom they aren't in relationships with.

I wouldn't go on a weekend trip with a male friend. Maybe a couple other guys, but not one-on-one.

 

For me, going away with one other person is something I should only do with a girlfriend.

 

This had the potential to be a great weekend.

 

I'm just worried about how to handle the drive with her next month. I wonder if I should try to get her to do the whole thing in one day.

[Els]

This is true for almost 90 % of mothers, even the ones who abuse their children.

 

 

Wait what?

[Els]

I wouldn't go on a weekend trip with a male friend. Maybe a couple other guys, but not one-on-one.

 

For me, going away with one other person is something I should only do with a girlfriend.

 

This had the potential to be a great weekend.

 

I'm just worried about how to handle the drive with her next month. I wonder if I should try to get her to do the whole thing in one day.

 

 

IMO it's fine for you to say that you want to fly back because you don't want to spend such a long time driving.

 

It's just the phrasing that kinda worries me...

[D-Lish]

I believe that she thinks that both of us are lonely, that we should spend time together. I'd rather that she starts dating and try to find company from somebody else other than me.

 

I think she probably thinks you're her kid, and just wants to spend time with you because she loves you.

 

Just remember that you can enforce certain boundaries anytime you want to, and you can say no if you think she's being too needy with you.

 

I wish my mom or dad wanted to do crap like that with me when I was growing up, but they were always so frick'n busy.

[somedude81]

IMO it's fine for you to say that you want to fly back because you don't want to spend such a long time driving.

 

It's just the phrasing that kinda worries me...

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother.

 

I just can't handle spending a lot of time with her at once. I'm also tired of talking to her about her problems when she never does anything to change.

[suladas]

I'm also tired of talking to her about her problems when she never does anything to change.

 

Serious? Are you f*cking serious?

 

 

No really, you CANT be serious

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm with you on this, OP. I'm a divorced mom of two grown married sons. Have a great relationship with both. They both like to spend time with me once in a while, but sometimes I notice, particularly with one of them, his need to set boundaries for some reason with me.

 

I'm crazy about both sons and if they lived close by (they are both LD) I could keep both of them busy being full-time companions for me!

 

But, that would be inappropriate, obviously! It's great for grown sons to spend time with moms but they need to be able to set boundaries with their moms that feel right to them.

 

Part of what you may be feeling is that as an adult you need to be able to set your own boundaries instead of having your mom plan when you should be with her as she did when you were a little boy. I would bet if you feel you have the space you need and your personal boundaries with her are respected that you would feel comfortable initiating time spent with her on your own terms.

 

If I was you I'd be firm in my boundaries with her and not feel guilty about it at all. If she seems not to understand then have a little talk with her about it.

[Speakingofwhich]

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother.

 

I just can't handle spending a lot of time with her at once. I'm also tired of talking to her about her problems when she never does anything to change.

 

I get this, too. You're the opposite gender of her and you're from a different generation so you probably don't really understand her problems when she shares them.

 

Talking about problems together is also something a couple does that is bonding so that it's possible part of your difficulty in listening to her problems is the boundary issue again.

 

Does your mom have friends she does things with? Does she have sisters?

[somedude81]

I'm with you on this, OP. I'm a divorced mom of two grown married sons. Have a great relationship with both. They both like to spend time with me once in a while, but sometimes I notice, particularly with one of them, his need to set boundaries for some reason with me.

 

I'm crazy about both sons and if they lived close by (they are both LD) I could keep both of them busy being full-time companions for me!

 

But, that would be inappropriate, obviously! It's great for grown sons to spend time with moms but they need to be able to set boundaries with their moms that feel right to them.

 

Part of what you may be feeling is that as an adult you need to be able to set your own boundaries instead of having your mom plan when you should be with her as she did when you were a little boy. I would bet if you feel you have the space you need and your personal boundaries with her are respected that you would feel comfortable initiating time spent with her on your own terms.

 

If I was you I'd be firm in my boundaries with her and not feel guilty about it at all. If she seems not to understand then have a little talk with her about it.

Thanks for your post Speakingofwhich. I really apprciate somebody posting from the mom side.

 

Like you, my mother is divorced and has two grown sons, though none of us are married.

 

I always felt that my mom has a better relationship with me than my younger brother. What I did not mention, was that I actually moved away, 400 miles from home to go to college. Unfortunately I made the "mistake" of going to a school an hour away from my grandmother. Then a couple of years ago my mom moved down to SoCal to be closer to her mom, and I was back to seeing my mom at least every two weeks again.

 

The main reason I went to this trip with her was because I would have felt guilty if I didn't go, and she went by herself. She should have husband/boyfriend or at least some friends she could have gone with and not ask me to go.

 

I don't know how I can tell her that I don't want to do those things with her. I don't want to go with her to see movies etc. I wish she would stop inviting me.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yeah, that's tough if she doesn't seem to get it.

 

You are not equipped to be your mom's boyfriend. Can you tell her that as you're becoming an adult you're trying to get comfortable with her in a different role and that you need to be able to set boundaries with her, because you love her so much and want to protect your relationship with her?

 

You have to set boundaries with her or you'll begin to resent her and then won't want to be around her at all. Plus, if you set boundaries with her now she won't resent your wife when you get married and also she won't be interfering with your marriage. My boys make it very clear that their wives come first with them but they had already moved into different roles with me by the time they married so it was much easier for all of us to adjust to them being married.

 

Just tell her you think it's a normal thing guys do with their moms. Maybe you could talk with a counselor about it and find out how to proceed with talking with her.

 

My "boys" (men!) just tell me they can't do whatever it is I want them to do if they don't want to do it. They make up an excuse, say they're too busy or whatever comes to their minds.

 

If I don't like it and push the issue it does me no good. They're always courteous but are firm in their boundaries and I respect them for it and am glad they're able to do that.