Wanting a large family

[Mr. Savage]

Im kind of in between a rock and a hard place. When I find that special someone to settle down with I have always wanted a large family with probably 4+ kids if our financial situation allows.

I realize that most women out there are not on board for this idea. It can make it difficult finding that special someone because you dont just want to blurt out "how many kids do you want" upon meeting someone but at the same time you dont wanna get emotionally invested in someone who is not on the same page as you when it comes to something this important in life.

Any thoughts on this?

[TaraMaiden]

This is my opinion, and only mine.

you may not like it, but there you go....

I think even having ONE child without a true sense of purpose, reason and logic, is insane.

 

The world is already dreadfully over-populated, and children bring a strain onto both personal and cultural finances.

Providing for one, is bad enough ($300,000 by the time they reach adulthood) but four?

 

I think that's a selfish attitude, and let me tell you plain and clear:

 

Kids never, but never turn out precisely the way we hope.

And what if you had a child that somehow had a physical or mental disadvantage?

 

Would you then add to that mix, and create yet more strain on your lifestyle?

 

And you realise, a huge proportion of women go off sex, even after the first child? it can take some women years to regain their libido./ Some are fine, granted, and go on merrily popping offspring for all they're worth.... but what if your wife then goes off the idea?

Remember: the years of hard work will take a toll on HER body, not yours.....

 

In short - have you really thought this through?

[normal person]

I think Tara hit the nail on the head. Kids are much more expensive than people realize. And for each additional kid you have, the attention and quality of life you can provide to each one individually is decreased. I think having a lot of kids if you can't afford them is incredibly irresponsible, especially if they want to go to college and make a good lives for themselves. They graduate and are already $50K in debt because you couldn't afford to pay it for them. Then the interest on their loans costs them even more. What did they ever do wrong besides be born? They do everything they can to make a good life for themselves and their kids but they'll still struggle because it'll take them 30 years to pay back the money they owe for college. Then it's cyclical because they can't afford to pay for your grandkids. Don't enter the cycle just because you think it'd be fun to have a big family. You could be placing future generations of your family in insurmountable debt for years to come. I know that's a lot of assumptions to be made but it very well could happen if you don't plan very thoroughly.

 

I don't know where you live or what your definition of "if my financial situation allows" is, but here in the Northeast I wouldn't have more than one kid for every $500K my then-wife and I have in the bank. That's conservative but it'd be the only way I'd sleep at night given the state of the world.

[pteromom]

I don't believe there is anything wrong with dreaming of a large family, and there is nothing wrong with stating upfront that it is one of your dreams.

 

But you can't have it as an expectation either, because sometimes life is messy and doesn't work out the way we expect. Medical issues, infertility, high needs children, financial issues... lots of things can come between you and this dream of a large family.

 

I would just date, and see what happens. Obviously, don't date someone who doesn't want kids at all, but otherwise just date and see what happens.

 

Don't talk about it on a first date, but bring it up on date 2 or 3, as part of a general conversation about life goals. See what she says. Go from there.

[Shepp]

I'm totally with you i always wanted 4+kids, still do.

 

IMHO if you can provide for them, not thestate, then you should do what you want, if you can provide for them then theonly people who'd business it is how many kids you have is you and your partner.

 

It's expensive, no doubt, but i didnt grow up with loads of money, we were working class and my parents worked hard to afford what we needed.

 

So yeah maybe i did go to florida twice ayear and maybe we didn't drive a flash car but I had my brother and sister - and i wouldnt trade that, not for the world.

 

I want my kids to have the same thing, a home with people always around, brothers and sisters close in age to them to teach them stuff, help them out, spend time with.

 

I went to school with a girl who was an only child - used to talk about how great it was, how she'd hate siblings - I couldn't understand that.

 

I think its different over here money wise- health cares free, the state pays for college, good state schools, good sport funding.

 

But anyone, your question...

I think a lot of the time location plays a big part - so make sure your looking in the right place.

I also think you need to remain flexible -of course circumstances can change and then you need to adapt. I knew a womenwho wanted a big family and then after childbirth of her first one swore thenand there never again, and they never did have a big family. At the same time mygf didnt want kids, marriage, nothing - but i fell head over heels for herregardless, and now we have twins she's changed her mind.

So i think its a nice dream, i get why you want it, but flexibility is the key

[Arieswoman]

If anyone wants a "big" family then that's fine by me if they are able to support them all financially, emotionally and psychologically for 18 years and beyond.

 

What ticks me off is people who have big families and then expect the taxpayer to pick up the tab while they sit on their backsides all day.

 

Have you costed all this out BTW ?

[preraph]

I'd say that until you're making six figures a year (only you), you're not even in the ballpark to afford that many kids. Once you're making six figures, you probably won't have trouble finding willing women. So concentrate on your career and once you're there, then find the woman.

[VeronicaRoss]

I'm sure you've got great intentions. I'm curious why this sounds so appealing? Did you come from one? Watch a lot of episodes of the Waltons? Please spend time talking with people who did.

 

I was the fourth of four, then a divorce and re-marriages added four more. Having so many will mean less parental attention and more stress for everyone. In order to get through their days my parents simply streamlined, we all got the exact same treatment regardless, to their credit they at least wanted it to be fair. One sister however was a special needs and she was like living with a wild animal so any 'extra' energy went to her. Our family was financially comfortable but still were trained *not to ask for anything*, because then questions of fairness would come up. No after school activities that would require parental involvement like picking us up.

 

The sibling rivalry goes through the roof, just like a bunch of crowded rats with limited resources. Watch episodes of Malcolm in the Middle and take it seriously, as over the top as it is it's very realistic. What kids do because overworked parents are too exhausted to monitor the sibling issues can be really nasty.

 

Ironically what happened is I grew up incredibly independent and made my friendships outside family to get the attention I needed, from my friend's parents! We kids also have very little to do with each other as adults, we definitely went our own ways.

 

There is a man at work that has 8 kids. He's not Catholic or Mormon, it's what his wife wanted and told him that from the very beginning. The pressure on him to perform financially is extreme, and she's too busy with kids to help financially. He loves the kids but feels trapped. Why would any couple do that to themselves and their families?

 

Why not have a few and foster to help the multitudes of kids who came from if you're going to have a large family?

[Confuddled1983]

I was so sure I never wanted children, EVER. Then I met my ex partner and I had a pregnancy scare. I was convinced I was pregnant and I did the test and what happened afterwards just threw me. I cried for days, grieving the loss of something that never was. I longed for a baby, something that had never happened before and something I never expected to happen. We discussed having a child and shortly afterwards I fell pregnant and had a baby.

 

Now I had a very difficult pregnancy that could have resulted in the loss of my life and my sons life. It was traumatic - what would you do if happened to your partner and they felt they could no longer go through with multiple pregnancies?

 

What if you met, they agreed they wanted a large family and there were fertility problems that couldn't be resolved?

 

What I'm trying to say is that life isn't always straight forward - would there be room for compromise in your decision to have a very large family?

 

Certainly I would mention about a large family quite soon on as it would have been something that I would have decided against. I do think it may limit you somewhat when meeting new women but if it's something you've really set your heart on then stick with it.

[DorkBreakfast]

My retirement aged parents would love to hear that you want to have 4+ kids because they will help pay for them to be retired for the next three decades via social security and medicare once they start working. Realistically though, there aren't many people willing to do the huge family thing nowadays. Nothing wrong with wanting kids though.

[Art_Critic]

I'd say that until you're making six figures a year (only you), you're not even in the ballpark to afford that many kids.

 

If people waited till they were making 6 figures to have kids the world would be a pretty lonely place

My parents weren't making that kinda dough when they had me and my 5 siblings..

 

 

Have you costed all this out BTW ?

 

Who costs out having kids ?

Of course if you don't have 2 nickels to rub together that is a no brainer but affording kids is more about changing your priorities than actually making more money.

 

Kids are expensive.. by far the more expensive than I even imagined but having kids and growing up is also all about changing priorities for your new future.. and besides.. my little boy is worth every single penny he costs and more...

You can't put a price on the joy of raising a child and if your are the type to do a large family then I'm sure the same applies to you as well.

[Art_Critic]

This is my opinion, and only mine.

you may not like it, but there you go....

I think even having ONE child without a true sense of purpose, reason and logic, is insane.

 

The world is already dreadfully over-populated, and children bring a strain onto both personal and cultural finances.

Providing for one, is bad enough ($300,000 by the time they reach adulthood) but four?

 

I think that's a selfish attitude, and let me tell you plain and clear:

 

Kids never, but never turn out precisely the way we hope.

And what if you had a child that somehow had a physical or mental disadvantage?

 

Would you then add to that mix, and create yet more strain on your lifestyle?

 

And you realise, a huge proportion of women go off sex, even after the first child? it can take some women years to regain their libido./ Some are fine, granted, and go on merrily popping offspring for all they're worth.... but what if your wife then goes off the idea?

Remember: the years of hard work will take a toll on HER body, not yours.....

 

In short - have you really thought this through?

 

Aren't you a parent ?.. If I'm mistaken I'm sorry.. wasn't the world just as populated when you had your children ?

[TaraMaiden]

I have gone over this countless times.

 

Yes, I have two children.

No, if I had my time again, I would probably never have had them.

Yes, I love them both and do not wish they'd never been born

And yes, I am saying I would certainly have given it a lot more thought than I did.

 

Any person has the right to have their opinions changed and their world-views altered.

Mine have done that.

I can't "undo" my girls.

And neither would I want to.

But If I'd known then, what I know now, I would in all probability not be a parent.

 

Does that answer your query?

[pink_sugar]

Finances aside, what about overpopulation? There's way too many people having a bunch of kids as it is. If finances are not an issue, go adopt a child in need if you'd like a big family.

[Eau Claire]

Lots of people claim to want a big family...until they have a child. The reality of day to day parenting sets in.

 

I love my two daughters...but two is enough. I'm so happy they now each have a daughter of their own...grand kids are the best of both worlds.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting 4, 6 or 10 .....just have one first .

[HokeyReligions]

I secretly wanted a big family. I didnt say anything early and by the time we seriously talked about it we were in love. He didnt want kids but we ended up having two. Then I couldn't have any more. Both of ours died in their teens. Talk about it when you've dated a few times and have the "where is this going" talk.

 

All my life I heard this: if you wait until you can afford kids you'll never have them.

 

There are people out there who want big families. Dont compromise your priorties especially where kids are concerned. You never know what will happen. Just when you get it all worked out life comes along and changes everything. Look at me. I never in a million years thought I would end up old and alone. But I'm headed there.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've always wanted a big family - at least 3 kids, if not 4 or 5. I had a lot of siblings and thought it was fun to have a bunch of kids in the house. I love kids and do well with them.

 

I think the cost angle is exaggerated. Sure, kids are expensive, but my dad never made much money and we turned out OK. Yes, things would have been easier if we'd had more money, but we always had food on the table and the necessities. We all paid our own way through college, and that built a lot of character. I got babysitting jobs at a young age, and a real job the day I turned 16 and was legal to work.

 

I'm probably too old now to have a whole gaggle of kids unless I meet the man of my dreams very soon But in my ideal life, yep, I'd have a houseful of 'em.

 

My last boyfriend and I talked about this early on, and agreed we wanted a lot of kids. I said, "Yes, at least 3." He goes, "How about 4?" And that really turned me on

[pink_sugar]

I think there is something to be said about waiting until you're financially stable. I know people who do regret having children, because of the financial burden...not that they don't love their kids, but it is a big expense and finances aside, everything changes. It's harder with the more kids you have. Those days of enjoying a nice vacation or child free flight are over. And you will need to try and find a sitter if you want to go out. Having kids also places a considerable burden on the marriage and more kids will make it even worse, you will have less and less time with your honey and sometimes even less time in the bedroom because you're so exhausted with raising so many kids.

[Eggplant]

My friend was from a family of 5 children, which these days is considered large. What worked well in their case was that the children were spaced out over the course of 20 years. There were 2 batches, so that each batch got individual attention.

 

One thing to consider, if you want many kids, is that the woman you marry should be young enough to have them all.

[Radu]

For those thinking of the huge ammount of money involved, not every kid has to go to Yale, it is not a guarantee they will turn out ok.

 

The way things are right now, the society wants ppl to have kids because SS and others are essentially pyramid schemes.

 

One thing i think most should consider is that the more kids you have, the more likely it is for one of the parents to become a SAHP.

This means single income family, which means something has to give, and strict budgeting becomes more of a necessity than an extra.

 

The more you have, the more likely you will need their grandparents support in raising them, and that comes with a whole set of problems.

[Shepp]

Finances aside, what about overpopulation? There's way too many people having a bunch of kids as it is. If finances are not an issue, go adopt a child in need if you'd like a big family.

Back when me and my gf were at an antenatal class, some women was commenting on the fact we were having twins blah blah blah and then she asked like "at least your done after this", to which my gf was like "no we want to have more" and she went "what about overpopulation"?? I do my bit with recycling - I seperate the cardboard from the rubbish and I wash the jars and bottles and but them in the blue bin...how much difference that makes to global warming I dunno, but I do care so I do it, plenty of people don't. And I don't waste water cause I don't want my great great grand kids to run out of the stuff, though other people have like two baths a day.

But to not have the family that I want, that I always wanted, to not bring my kids up they way I wanted to, to not have 2 or 3 more kids for the sake of the other 7billion people on the planet - step to far, that I won't do, its a very important issue sure but you get one life - its length isn't guaranteed, I think to not do with it what you want because of something like that, while other people go on regardless....I dunno, it would forever be a regret in my mind.

 

I think the cost angle is exaggerated. Sure, kids are expensive, but my dad never made much money and we turned out OK. Yes, things would have been easier if we'd had more money, but we always had food on the table and the necessities. We all paid our own way through college, and that built a lot of character. I got babysitting jobs at a young age, and a real job the day I turned 16 and was legal to work.

I agree!

6 figures to have a child!! The working class would die out if that happened! We never had anywhere close to 6 figures when I grew up and I had the very best childhood, there's not one thing I'd change, it was awesome!

[Emilia]

But to not have the family that I want, that I always wanted, to not bring my kids up they way I wanted to, to not have 2 or 3 more kids for the sake of the other 7billion people on the planet - step to far, that I won't do, its a very important issue sure but you get one life - its length isn't guaranteed, I think to not do with it what you want because of something like that, while other people go on regardless....I dunno, it would forever be a regret in my mind.

I've never wanted kids so you can have my 2.4

[Radu]

Do you also need the house, washing machine, life, car, etc ... or do you choose to keep them ?

[TaraMaiden]

6 figures to have a child!! The working class would die out if that happened! We never had anywhere close to 6 figures when I grew up and I had the very best childhood, there's not one thing I'd change, it was awesome!

 

The figure is accurate.

you just don't notice it, because you don't have to fork it all out at once.... silly!!

 

(Maybe if people had to, they'd think twice. Honestly, people put more effort, thought and consideration into buying a house or a car, than they do into having kids... )

[Shepp]

I've never wanted kids so you can have my 2.4

 

Hahah made me laugh I might just!

 

The figure is accurate.

you just don't notice it, because you don't have to fork it all out at once.... silly!!

 

Yeah I realise you don't have to pay it all at once it wasn't the totally figure over a lifetime it was the salary people reckon you need to be on, my folks never brought in anything like that! And we never missed out.

 

I get like the food and nappies, and clothes, and football boots and race suits all add up in the end but it's not like you ever have like massive bill (although like I say I appreciate in the states you have to pay health care and college which I guess does push it up a bit)