Is this abusive?

[sadwithouthim]

I put this on another forum, but I want a lot of opinions, what do you think of the following?

 

 

My daughter (11) has behavioral problems. I believe this is a direct result of my husband's emotional abuse.

 

Today, she came home from a 5-day stay at a Christian camp. When I woke up (I work 3rd shift), I came downstairs and he was asking her to put her stuff away. She is a bull and doesn't listen well (neither does he). She was being defiant, so he started getting belligerent saying "I'll turn off the computer, you're ass is going to listen to me", so she was screaming "I hate you, I don't want to be here with you". He proceeded to be an 11 yr old himself by spouting names and hatred...."same old stupid, lazy, POS comes back from camp, you'll never change" and on and on. He was throwing a tantrum, being a baboon as far as I'm concerned. So, then he started to go off on me..."well, just let her get away with it then stupid b*tch, be a lazy POS mother like you always have been". So, my daughter looked at me crying and said "Mom, he's abusive and he's abusive to you too, everyone knows that, I want to go live with Grandma" (my mom and dad).

 

My poor mother is dealing with caring for her mom who's been in hospice and a down syndrome sister (who's been staying with her for a week now), but I decided I finally NEED to pull a support system. I said "Call Grandma, and see what she's doing", so she called from a cellphone because he had turned off the internet (which was part of the battle) because NOTHING in my house works without internet. He was being controlling over all of us, saying we were going to clean and nobody was doing anything else.

 

I know my daughter needs discipline, I just know abuse isn't the way to change her anger/listening issues. In fact, I think it's the root of the problem.

 

I took her out of the house to my mom's for the night, so her infantile father can calm down. I was heading to work from there (which I'm at now). When I talked to my mom on the phone, I tried to sound very calm because I know she's tremendously stressed out and I feel guilty burdening her more. All I could do is think in the back of my mind "sure Pig, I'll just burden my mom because you only think of yourself". My first thought was to have the cops come and ask him to leave, but IMO mental/verbal abuse is VERY downplayed in society and I didn't want to feel silly "he's calling us names".

 

Please state any opinion. I'm always questioning myself whether I'm doing the right things. My 15 yr old son was defending his dad.

Edited August 4, 2013 by sadwithouthim

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I don't condone the way he handled her, but she shouldn't be allowed to be a defiant little brat either. Counseling for all of you may help.

[Wolfcub]

Is there any reason why do you keep him in the house at all?

[dizy]

Is it normal that he calls you a lazy bitch for no reason? I dont think you are aware how hard this is for your kids. How hard is it for them to have any respect for you and their father when they see you as the victime and hin as the abuser. When they see you two having zero respect (im assuming that youmight also call him names sometimes) for each other

[Onward_Upward]

It's true that parents in particular should NEVER throw verbal insults around (much less physical abuse)... There is absolutely no excuse for it, IMO.

 

However, I would LOVE to hear your husband's side of the story.

 

Having said that... As the poster above me said - and with so little information about the background of all this - if you think the partnership is worth saving, then Counseling is probably the only way forward.

 

Call up your local government office, and see if their are any public counseling services on offer... Or perhaps, consult with your local Church.

 

Humanbeings can be such difficult creatures... No one action is performed in a vacuum. And the way we act as adults, is a direct result of the way we've been brought up... In most cases, if a child's parents treated them like sh*t, then that child will do the same to their children, and on and on.

 

That is, unless something "interrupts" the process, and that person is taught a new, and better, way

 

I wish you all the best.