Family Ugliness

[Stanger]

OK, this may be a little long but please bear with me. I have a problem that is stressing me out, and that takes a lot as I am about as layed back a person as there is.

 

Well it all started a little over a year ago. When I had my sister and her boyfriend over for a bonfire. It was around midnight when my sister, out of the blue wanted to talk about my son (her Godson) about some problems that he was going through. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and to stop bothering me and just have fun. Afterall, this was one night that I wasn't going to worry about his problems. It was just supposed to be a fun evening. One thing led to another, basically the insults started flying from her mouth about how I don't care about my oldest son. I asked my sisters boyfriend to try to talk to her an settle her down before I lost it and started firing back with comments that I'd regret. Needless to say, he didn't really do much.

 

Then, my sister started taking shots at my wife (who was in bed), I told her don't talk behind my wifes back, if you want to say anything to her you should say it to her face. So, my sister said go get her then. That's where I probably made a stupid mistake and I went and got her. She was already awake and had heard everything already. My wife came storming out and pretty much put my sister in her place. But then, as my wife was trying to get out of the kitchen because our one year old baby woke up. My sister decided to get a little physical with her and she tried blocking my wife from getting out of the kitchen, this led to a little pushing and shoving (not exactaly a fight) but it was very ugly.

 

Now, my parents pretty much hate my wife and are 100% taking my sisters side on this without even hearing our side at all. My sister was rather intoxicated when this happend and I was not. I'm sure her story is much much different than what really happened. We tried to have a family get together to talk about everything that had happened that night, but they always had some excuse as to why they couldn't get together whenever we could. Keep in mind, we have 3 children and 2 of them are under 5 years old.

 

Since then, enough time has passed where we've gotten together for couple family get togethers like Christmas and Birthdays but there's a weird vibe in the air still. My wife even apologized to my sister about what happened but my sister refuses to apologize for what she started. I better mention, that my sister is in her early 30's and she lives with my parents because basically they enable her to do this and tell her she's too good to just go get any job. So basically, she's been without much income at all for about 3-4 years.

 

Now, my oldest son (the one who was having problems) is currently not living in our home but I do spend time with him a couple day every week including time with a therapist to work on our troubles. He was in and out of a couple drug rehad facilities over the last year and still won't stop the drug use, so he's staying with my ex-wifes dad for the summer and working on his farm. All I get from this is criticism from my parents and sister because we're trying something different. We also want to keep our younger 2 boys safe. I can't have a 5 year old and a 2 year old in a house where my 15 year old is smoking pot in his rooom in the middle of the night.

 

I care about all my children the same and love them all the same, but because of this incident with my wife and my sister, I feel like I've been thown in the middle of some kind of war. This was actually a really short summary of everything that's gone on. I get questioned by my parents about everything we do and it's really wearing thin on me. One day they tell us to call if we ever need any help, and then when we do call, they can never help and say that we only call when we need something. What kind of double standard is that?

 

Anyway's, I was just hoping for some advice on how to get things back to where they were before all this happened. I want all of us to get along like we used to and I'd really like the criticism to stop. They're only getting one side of the story most of the time and my sister hear's what they talk about behind our backs and that in turn poison's her mind as well. Maybe family therapy would be a good place to start? I'd really appreciate any idea's or input. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have as well.

 

P.S. - My sister andI were pretty much best friends until this all happened.

 

Thanks for those of you who took the time to read this

[amaysngrace]

You gave your son away because he smokes pot? Is that the extent of his drug use?

[Stanger]

You gave your son away because he smokes pot? Is that the extent of his drug use?

 

I guess I didn't explain that too good. I was in a hurry. He's just currently staying with his grandpa for the summer to work on his farm. We did not give him away. I figure if he's busy working he'll have less time to get into trouble. And pot is his drug of choice but he's had problems with synthtics, extasy, coke, inhalents, aderall and anything he can get his hands on. There's constant lying and stealing as well. Insurance will not cover any more treatment and the last place he was at, he got kicked out of because of disrespecting staff and other patients. We're currently seeing a therapist every week for about 3 hours at a time to try to work this out.

[Radu]

OK, this may be a little long but please bear with me. I have a problem that is stressing me out, and that takes a lot as I am about as layed back a person as there is.

 

Well it all started a little over a year ago. When I had my sister and her boyfriend over for a bonfire. It was around midnight when my sister, out of the blue wanted to talk about my son (her Godson) about some problems that he was going through. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and to stop bothering me and just have fun. Afterall, this was one night that I wasn't going to worry about his problems. It was just supposed to be a fun evening. One thing led to another, basically the insults started flying from her mouth about how I don't care about my oldest son. I asked my sisters boyfriend to try to talk to her an settle her down before I lost it and started firing back with comments that I'd regret. Needless to say, he didn't really do much.

You mention she was drunk, you mention she's in her 30's, jobless for 4yrs, living with her parents and is in this situation because her parents think she's too good for the jobs she gets offered.

In the meantime, you work [probably], have 3 kids you have to look after and a wife who loves you enough to have 2 kids with you.

What she did is no way for a guest to act, and is no way for a guest with her 'credentials' to act.

 

Then, my sister started taking shots at my wife (who was in bed), I told her don't talk behind my wifes back, if you want to say anything to her you should say it to her face. So, my sister said go get her then. That's where I probably made a stupid mistake and I went and got her. She was already awake and had heard everything already. My wife came storming out and pretty much put my sister in her place. But then, as my wife was trying to get out of the kitchen because our one year old baby woke up. My sister decided to get a little physical with her and she tried blocking my wife from getting out of the kitchen, this led to a little pushing and shoving (not exactaly a fight) but it was very ugly.

Yes, you did a very stupid thing by bringing her along in this, you should have kept defending her and if she did not relent even call the cops on her.

Drunk woman in her 30's who doesn't fear anything because she has a va*ina is a major recipe for trouble.

Still, let's see what your sister did, she assaulted your wife in her own home, actively thought her out and escalated this.

This is a crime, if the police had seen this or had a report on this, this would go on her record.

 

Now, my parents pretty much hate my wife and are 100% taking my sisters side on this without even hearing our side at all. My sister was rather intoxicated when this happend and I was not. I'm sure her story is much much different than what really happened. We tried to have a family get together to talk about everything that had happened that night, but they always had some excuse as to why they couldn't get together whenever we could. Keep in mind, we have 3 children and 2 of them are under 5 years old.

The way you describe this whole dynamic, it sounds like your parents are pampering her; almost seems like a golden child ... off-c they will take her side, she's their darling little princess and they see your wife as the non-family member.

 

Since then, enough time has passed where we've gotten together for couple family get togethers like Christmas and Birthdays but there's a weird vibe in the air still. My wife even apologized to my sister about what happened but my sister refuses to apologize for what she started. I better mention, that my sister is in her early 30's and she lives with my parents because basically they enable her to do this and tell her she's too good to just go get any job. So basically, she's been without much income at all for about 3-4 years.

Your sister was not in her right to do what she did; your wife should not have apologized.

My opinion at least.

 

Now, my oldest son (the one who was having problems) is currently not living in our home but I do spend time with him a couple day every week including time with a therapist to work on our troubles. He was in and out of a couple drug rehad facilities over the last year and still won't stop the drug use, so he's staying with my ex-wifes dad for the summer and working on his farm. All I get from this is criticism from my parents and sister because we're trying something different. We also want to keep our younger 2 boys safe. I can't have a 5 year old and a 2 year old in a house where my 15 year old is smoking pot in his rooom in the middle of the night.

 

I care about all my children the same and love them all the same, but because of this incident with my wife and my sister, I feel like I've been thown in the middle of some kind of war. This was actually a really short summary of everything that's gone on. I get questioned by my parents about everything we do and it's really wearing thin on me. One day they tell us to call if we ever need any help, and then when we do call, they can never help and say that we only call when we need something. What kind of double standard is that?

 

Anyway's, I was just hoping for some advice on how to get things back to where they were before all this happened. I want all of us to get along like we used to and I'd really like the criticism to stop. They're only getting one side of the story most of the time and my sister hear's what they talk about behind our backs and that in turn poison's her mind as well. Maybe family therapy would be a good place to start? I'd really appreciate any idea's or input. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have as well.

 

P.S. - My sister andI were pretty much best friends until this all happened.

 

Thanks for those of you who took the time to read this

Your primary duty as a man is to your family; but your family does not mean your wreck of a sister or your enabling parents.

It's to your wife and your kids.

 

Do you need your parent's help in all of this ?

Or your sister's ?

If not, be 100% on the side of your wife; if you do, you've done enough, they are trying to lord this over you to run your life [to control you], so start retreating to your 'lair' ... make sure your wife understands you are on her side.

 

Another thing to remember is that in a relationship, the one who cares the least holds the most power.

This is them now, you need to care even less, to at least balance things out, or to get back your power [and sanity].

[Stanger]

Thanks for the reply Radu, I appreciate your opinion.