feel like i have no control

[amkxoxo]

So I'm 21 and a college student. I live at my college two hours away and during the summer and breaks I go home and live with my parents. Don't get me wrong they are wonderful people and I am so grateful for what they provide for me, but this last year I hate being at home and get super frustrated.

 

Like I work a part time job and had lent my brother a large sum of saved up money a few years ago for something special he wanted to buy. My parents always said they would pay me back because I had been saving for a car. Previous to this I had been driving and extra old vehicle of my dads. So when I got home from school this summer a car was waiting for me. I was so happy. They said it was re payment they owed me. When they got it I guess it was in rough shape so my dad put a lot of time and work into it which I appreciate.

 

Well since then I got the title of the car so its mine and I pay the insurance and gas. So this car for is mine in my eyes. Well my parents like hold it over my head. Saying how ungrateful I am and they found it and etc... like in my eyes I paid for it so its mine. I appreciate my dad fixing it up. No offense I don't really like sharing it because its mine. They feel entitled to use it when they want and my mom will just like take it to work. One morning I stopped them because my dad gave my brother the keys. Like woah woah woah ...no.

 

They act like I'm such a b***h for being this way. Then my dad goes on his rent about well then I won't repair it anymore you can. Like what??? Its so annoying like this is my first car I got on my own.

 

Then to make matters worse I am still in college and working a part time job my brother went right into working from high school and makes all this money and etc...they like praise him. Everything is him and his job. Like if I complain at all about anything they make me seem like such an ungrateful horrible person.

 

The last straw and stressor is our house. My parents inherited it when I went to college and did major renovations and fixed it up. Well we moved in and my brothers room isn't ready yet so currently we sleep in the same room. Its not even bad, but I feel so not st home here. I can't set up things the way that I want them because his stuff id in the way. I can never have a room just for me alone. It gets to me.

 

I went through and am still going through a bad breakup in my life. Its made me very vunerable, unsure of myself, and depressed. I dont think my parents know how to handle it. Im very sensitive and like sometimes they act like im like so overly dramatic but im very sad and emotional and like they dont get it. Like im sad a lot and i try and hide it now because they tell me just to get over it at this point. Plus i dknt want my mom to worry about me anymore and they are sick of hearing it. My mom is understanding and concerned. I literally feel like this isn't my house its my parents house and I just visit. I wanna live out so bad but I'm poor and cant leave until school starts. Its bad but im looking forward to school to be away.

 

I feel so congested here and like I have made such a nice independent life for myself at school and make my own decisions and do things when I want. Here its like in not free at all. My mom even mentioned the other day like "I just think you want to move out and leave us. " ummmm yeah. And I outwardly told her I did. Me and my mom are best friends but my dad always favors my brother and its annoying. I'm so sick of my life here. Its not even that badnits just not my life its theirs. I don't know what to do anymore.

[CC12]

Like I work a part time job and had lent my brother a large sum of saved up money

 

How much?

 

Well since then I got the title of the car so its mine and I pay the insurance and gas. So this car for is mine in my eyes.

 

I agree with you. The car is yours. If they still needed use of the vehicle, they should have worked something out with you regarding the title and who will pay for the gas, insurance, and maintenance. But it really sounds like they just handed it over to you as a gift, so they shouldn't just take it whenever they want or lend it out to your brother without your permission.

 

Its so annoying like this is my first car I got on my own.

 

You didn't get it on your own, though. Your parents bought a clunker, then your dad personally fixed it up and gave it to you. I can see why they feel entitled to using it. I don't think they're right, but I can understand where they're coming from. And I'm sure they didn't have any ill intentions, it was just kind of a bad idea for them to get you a car and put work into it instead of just giving you your money and letting you spend it as you wished.

 

So here's my suggestion. You're probably not going to like it. Sell the car back to your parents for the amount of money they/your brother owe you. If they won't agree to this (in writing) then sell the car to someone else. Take the money and buy yourself a car that is all your own and enjoy the freedom and responsibility of car ownership.

 

You can frame it to them like this: "When I was saving up that money, it was with the goal of someday buying something that would be just for myself, like a car. You guys picked that car out for me, and while I was very appreciative, I don't really feel like it's mine since it's used more like a family vehicle. I know you put a lot of work into it, so I think it would be best if you kept the car and I was paid back the amount I am owed."

 

 

 

I literally feel like this isn't my house its my parents house and I just visit.

 

It literally is your parent's house and you just visit it. You don't live there anymore. You moved out.

 

I can't set up things the way that I want them because his stuff id in the way. I can never have a room just for me alone.

 

You're 21 years old. You don't live at mom and dad's anymore. You live on your own, in student housing. You're only at their place for like a third of the year. So you are not owed a room all to yourself. And as a guest, you don't get to set up things the way you want them. If you don't like staying there, then go back to your dorm or stay with a friend or something. It's up to you! You're an adult!

[amkxoxo]

Well no what happened was I saved up a few thousand to buy a car for myself. I was still saving when my brother found a muscle car that needed work on craigslist. He really really wanted it so I told my parents I would give him the money so that the car isn't bought by someone else. As long as they paid me back. I didn't think twice about giving him the money I am a giving person.

 

They told me that they would pay me back. Well a family relative was moving to Florida and wasn't going to take her car, so my parents bought it from her and my dad put some work into it. I appreciate it, he is very good with cars so he is my go to guy. I see this as I bought the car, since they owed me the money, because they said it was collateral. They were hesitant about signing it over from my cousin to me in the form of the title and they even considered just putting it in their name and letting me use it. I was like wtf??? you owe me. So I convinced them and its in my name. I got insurance for it and have paid every payment. Since getting it my dad has done some other work but I have paid him for any parts he buys. I put gas in it all the time from my paychecks. I work at a clothing store like 20-25 hours a week.

 

My younger brother drives an old clunker that my dad owns that I used to drive. And he has the muscle car which I don't get to touch let alone drive. I'm happy he has it because its his baby.

 

Like that one day when they were going to let my brother take it, I stopped them because I needed to work that day, but like I don't want him to drive it because he's young and if he gets in an accident I don't have money or resources for another one and I commute to classes at college. I need this car. I went away on a long weekend trip with a friend and I left my keys and my mom was driving it to work. I don't mind, but like she has her own nice SUV?? Then they accuse me of noth being able to share.

 

Its hard because I've had my own room my whole life and I value psace and my things being where I want them. I'm so uncomfortable in this house because I feel like I have no space to make mine. My mom and I got into an argument tonight about it. I was just trying to tell her my feelings inside and I told her this and she doesn't take me seriously. She acts like im overreacting and that I'm crazy for seeing things this way and that I'm making it all up. Then they make me feel bad saying "you don't know how to share."

 

Moving into the house that was my room. I painted it the color I wanted it. It was designated mine and they put my brother in there because his room isn't ready yet and under construction. I like have no space and can't set it up the way I want it. I feel not at home here. Like I'm a guest as I said.

 

Though this house is wonderful, I miss my old house. It holds 20 years of my life and I had my space. We moved when I was in college so I wasn't there to do it and I think I never connected because I don't live here 100%. Like I'm so much happier in my apartment at school because I can make it mine and it is mine. I have decisions I make on my own. I can dowhat I want. I'm independent. I have my friends and my little family there. I made my own life. Like my mom is like well I let you drive my nice car or your dads sometimes. But this a rare, like for the longest time it was a struggle to even ask for one of their cars because they didn't trust my driving, but it was because they make me so nervous.

 

Like I drive with my friends and they all say I am a pretty good driver and they think I do fine. My parents will go with me and they make me so nervous and I make little mistakes because I'm anxious. I made it 2 hours there and back roundtrip by myself on a roadtrip and did fine. My parents joke "oh that's because no one was there to see you."

 

I'm so frustrated here.

Edited July 23, 2013 by amkxoxo

[CC12]

Oh, okay, then.

 

Good luck with all that.

[StayBeautiful]

You sound like you're a lot younger than 21. I understand about the car, and that can probably be achieved with a little communication and compromise, or what the other poster suggested.

 

But everything else? Maybe it's the way you're writing it, but you sound very entitled. It's not your house. It's THEIR house. Even if you pay rent (do you pay rent?), at this point they are being good enough to provide you - an adult - with a roof over your head. And all you can do is complain about not having your own room and that they like your brother more than you? You're 21!

 

You're "so sick" of your life, because you think being an adult is like college. Staying up, drinking, not worrying about many bills, hanging out with your friends. It ain't. Being an adult is WAY more stressful that what you currently have to deal with.

 

There's a simple solution to this. Move out. Go to college AND work 3 or 4 jobs to pay for it. That would probably put your current "problems" into perspective. Instead of your life "belonging to your parents", you'd just trade it for your life belonging to your bosses. You still won't be as free as you seem to think you will be.

 

As I say, you can sort out the car issue. As for the rest - you're not 13. If you want change, take responsibility and change it yourself.

 

"It's hard because I've had my own room all my life". Jeez. First World Problems. Come back here in 15 years and read what you wrote. You'll realise what an easy life you had.

[Eve]

I think you need to travel a bit and get some interests beyond studying and work. This may give you the opportunity to gain the air of maturity and self control you want your family to see in you.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[amkxoxo]

Its not even that I want a college life here. I am very mature in college. I don't go out a lot drinking or partying. I don't even care if I do that. Its never been my personality. Especially in wouldn't want to do that at come around my mom parents. I feel so lost here in this place. I might feel a little entitled but its been almost 9 months of a 21 year old girl sharing a room with an 18 year old boy. I'm kind of sick of it. Like I shared a room in college for years and had no problem with it. For some reason it irritates me here so much. Maybe its because coming home used to be a great experience for me and like I could get away from roommates and have my own place. I get irritated because I feel like my parents don't take me seriously at all. My mom always asks for my opinion of things and has even taken me to make important decisions with her and my father but like I go and it never matters. I put a lot of deeep thought into everything I do I have never been one to just do something sporadically, but I feel like they thinks I'm stupid sometimes. I have grown up and also realized that they make me nervous. Like I will be talking to them on the phone at school about something and they make way more of it than it is and I end up either upset or anxious. Its unnecessary stress. In have openly told them this and they said they are sorry but I feel like they think I'm lying and just tell me that to make me feel better.

 

I'm trying to cope with my life the best that I can. I went through a bad breakup during the summer and I heavily relied on my mom and close girlfriends for help. Don't get me wrong the guy was wonderful and we may end up together in the future if he gets his life together, but I lost a lot of self esteem through this whole thing and its put a depressed bubble around me. Like nothing makes me happy anymore I miss him to death. People are sick of me talking about it so I just don't anymore. I get angry and upset over little stupid stuff. I feel lost like I'm going through an identity crisis and my attempts at trying to regain control have left my family suffering with a overly emotional girl. I feel like I'm so sensitive since the whole break up went down that I need to be handled with kid gloves and my parents don't and it makes me more upset. I am having a hard time being happy for other people because I can't be happy for myself. I'm pushing people away from me. I can't let things go they like haunt me and I re hash everything. I feel like I have no control.

[Eve]

You may need to take a trip down to your GP. Get a full check up. You could be a bit run down.

 

The most important thing is to not throw everything out or concentrate on the negatives because you are not feeling too great. We often do this when bad days come. I am not sure precisely why but we do.

 

Break ups can take time to heal but you need to help yourself with that. Think logically and not over emotionally. If you can't help this and this is different to how you normally are then it may be that you have developed some level of anxiety. Or it could be left over teen angst mixed with sibling rivalry which resurfaces when you are at home.

 

The mature thing to do is to get a check up and see what your Doctor says and stop yourself from being overly dramatic when at home. If you are thinking about yourself all the time, chances are you are being overly dramatic because really you do have an enormous amount of freedom to do just about anything you want if you put your mind to it. Don't expect everything to just change around you.

 

Tavel and get interests.

 

Take care,

Eve x