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My family won't stop riding me about my weight, even though they are well aware that it comes from the medication I have to take.

 

I just started an exercise program and it hurts so good. :cool: My muscles shake, I pant like a dog and my heart pumps way too fast, but I know those are just signs of my body waking up.

 

I've been warned that I am doing too much right at the beginning, but I am getting tired of people commenting on my weight and "taking it slow" doesn't burn enough calories. It hurts my feelings a great deal, especially since I don't feel comfortable sharing my private medical information.

 

Weight loss is going to be uniquely difficult for me since I have to stay on the terrible pills. Every time I come off them, all of the weight just falls off even though I get sick otherwise.

 

My father just hung up the phone on me, because he told me that I needed to exercise. I told him that I know I am fat and I am doing something about it. I also reminded my father that I am on three medications caused by weight gain. My father became very angry and said I was impossible to talk to. I responded by saying I didn't mind people being honest, but I get tired of being put down constantly as my mother enjoys making negative comments about me. Suddenly my father said he "didn't have time for this" and hung up the phone.

 

I think my father is being very ignorant and childish. I don't appreciate being hung up on or being shouted over. Honesty is fine but not repeated snarky comments. Maybe I am insecure because I a lot of people comment on my weight, such as: My parents, two of my brothers, my mother in law, a woman who asked if I was sure I wasn't pregnant and two men on the street.

 

I get the message the universe is giving me: I am too fat. I won't take group exercise classes because I am too ashamed to go to them. I also rarely go swimming as I feel too fat to look good in bathing suit. Exercise is painful but I have to do it.

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I'm sorry, that's terrible that your own family mocks you. Good luck though. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of pills are they?

 

peace

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Your family needs to lay off on this. I'm aware that their background/culture makes it okay for parents to bug an adult child about things like this, but that doesn't REALLY make it okay. They need to learn to respectfully speak their opinion and leave it at that.

 

Perhaps you could try enforcing boundaries with them - if they get to the topic and start shouting again, calmly explain your part, then tell them you have heard their opinion and aren't going to have this conversation again. Go silent if they persist.

 

I do think you should try your best to exercise, not feel ashamed, because plenty of overweight people can and do kick ass at exercise, and it always helps them. When an obese friend of mine finished her first 10k marathon, the rest of us were extremely proud of her. That was something that we couldn't do, despite the fact that most of us were (much) skinnier. :) But that's at entirely different story.

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Doll green tea does wonders for loosing weight did you knew that ?

it speeds up your metabolism burns off calories and melts pounds off.

Am tiny thing in height and each pound shows up for last few years green tea is only thing I do and I lost cool 10-15 pounds just by it.

Chinese know it Japanese know it have you ever seen them having this issue no because they drink it like water so each day dump three tea bags of it in tea cup and have it after lunch or dinner If you don't loose any pounds I'll give you all my data come spit in my face.

 

 

 

ps: Your dad is a-hole and no one is to fat not to be able to loose weight have his calls screened for one long while

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Rofl, I actually do take 2-3 bags of green tea a day, and my weight has remained about the same for the past 5 years. Sorry, bluegreen. :o

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Tomorrow is Father's Day. I am going to return the gift I bought and just give my dad a card. I will also ask my father if he would like me to come off my medication, since it seems more important for me to be thin rather than function like a normal person.

 

I think this is extra hurtful because I have always been close to my dad. I don't understand why he hangs up on me every time I say something he doesn't like. He is so stupid.

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If you have to maintain this contact, maybe give suggestions of what they could do to help, like recipe ideas? Tell them that you don't want an opinion, you just need them to listen and to tell you they are proud of you.

 

Hope the health issues are resolved soon. I understand it is not nice to be unwell. Keep up with the exercise regime and try to enjoy it. Hope you have a good diet plan too.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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If you have to maintain this contact, maybe give suggestions of what they could do to help, like recipe ideas? Tell them that you don't want an opinion, you just need them to listen and to tell you they are proud of you.

 

Hope the health issues are resolved soon. I understand it is not nice to be unwell. Keep up with the exercise regime and try to enjoy it. Hope you have a good diet plan too.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

My health issues are chronic and lifelong.

 

My father is not usually the parent putting me down. I will say that my mother has gotten a lot better with being more positive. I wouldn't tell my father that I don't want his opinion because he would probably walk away or hang up the phone again.

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Tomorrow is Father's Day. I am going to return the gift I bought and just give my dad a card. I will also ask my father if he would like me to come off my medication, since it seems more important for me to be thin rather than function like a normal person.

 

I really don't think this is the best idea. It just escalates the issue when IMO what you should be doing is enforcing your boundaries as an adult who makes her own decisions. I would just not mention it again, and if he brings it up again, remind him of the boundaries and go quiet if he tries to press on.

 

I know roughly the sorts of medications that cause this. I'm taking one of them myself, and it does affect appetite a lot - three would be really difficult. Incidentally, are you on BC as well? Might consider using condoms or a non-hormonal IUD instead of that if you are; BC makes weight gain worse and is potentially avoidable, unlike your other meds.

Edited by Elswyth
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My health issues are chronic and lifelong.

 

My father is not usually the parent putting me down. I will say that my mother has gotten a lot better with being more positive. I wouldn't tell my father that I don't want his opinion because he would probably walk away or hang up the phone again.

 

This is still a way of putting you down. In many respects it is worse if there are no words said and no defences entered into shield you.

 

Don't come off the meds. Your health is too valuable to even contemplate this. You are too valuable honey!

 

Sorry that your parents are unable to nurture you in the way you need.. been there. I go with the remaining silent after formulating an efficient boundary idea. Maybe we can help you to realistically think off what this can look like in practical terms? - because it is unlikely that the emotional feel will change within the dynamics outlined.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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I really don't think this is the best idea. It just escalates the issue when IMO what you should be doing is enforcing your boundaries as an adult who makes her own decisions. I would just not mention it again, and if he brings it up again, remind him of the boundaries and go quiet if he tries to press on.

 

I know roughly the sorts of medications that cause this. I'm taking one of them myself, and it does affect appetite a lot - three would be really difficult. Incidentally, are you on BC as well? Might consider using condoms or a non-hormonal IUD instead of that if you are; BC makes weight gain worse and is potentially avoidable, unlike your other meds.

 

I have come off the Pill already. Good suggestion though! Hormonal birth control is not my friend.

 

I agree that boundaries need to be enforced, but it is hard to do that when relating to irrational and ignorant parents. Whenever I try to talk to my dad about how I feel, he immediately dismisses me as being too touchy. He also shouts and refuses to listen to my side.

 

I don't know how my parents can make rude remarks about my weight when they know it is a medical issue.

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This is still a way of putting you down. In many respects it is worse if there are no words said and no defences entered into shield you.

 

Don't come off the meds. Your health is too valuable to even contemplate this. You are too valuable honey!

 

Sorry that your parents are unable to nurture you in the way you need.. been there. I go with the remaining silent after formulating an efficient boundary idea. Maybe we can help you to realistically think off what this can look like in practical terms? - because it is unlikely that the emotional feel will change within the dynamics outlined.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

I contemplate coming off the medication because I am getting tired of the hurtful comments about my weight. It isn't just my parents, it is also strangers and my MIL. I'm not even an enormous woman; I wear a size 12! I was a very skinny person until I went on birth control and starting taking the meds.

 

When I try to tell my father that I would rather not discuss something, he shouts "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I'M YOUR FATHER! ANYTHING I SAY IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!" I don't see my parents very often either. When I don't return their calls right away or pick up the phone, they get very indignant. I just tell them that I am married adult with a busy life.

 

I can't wait until they retire and leave the country. Then I won't have to see them at all. My dad was always the gentle and loving parent, so it is weird and hurtful when he is nasty to me.

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I contemplate coming off the medication because I am getting tired of the hurtful comments about my weight. It isn't just my parents, it is also strangers and my MIL. I'm not even an enormous woman; I wear a size 12! I was a very skinny person until I went on birth control and starting taking the meds.

 

When I try to tell my father that I would rather not discuss something, he shouts "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I'M YOUR FATHER! ANYTHING I SAY IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!" I don't see my parents very often either. When I don't return their calls right away or pick up the phone, they get very indignant. I just tell them that I am married adult with a busy life.

 

I can't wait until they retire and leave the country. Then I won't have to see them at all. My dad was always the gentle and loving parent, so it is weird and hurtful when he is nasty to me.

 

Not sure what to say about strangers commenting on your current weight gain. That is weird to me. I don't get why anyone would do such a thing! What, like when you are shopping? :confused: I would be pissed if anyone tried to ruin my shopping experience..

 

Also, I am not sure what to say about weight gain caused by medication. There must be a way to counteract the process? I think it is all about listening keenly to your Doctor and having extra appointments if needed. How anyone cannot understand this to be a medical process is beyond me. Planning ahead seems to be the way to deal with these matters... but the bottom line is that I hope coming off the meds will not put your life at risk.

 

Hey, maybe post recipe ideas on the recipe thread in the Water Cooler section? :)

 

My daughters dad, grandmother and eldest aunt on her dads side are the same as what you describe. My daughter is exceedingly beautiful but they have never said this to her. Instead they always check to she if has put on weight, accuse her constantly off bleaching her skin and make rude comments about her private relationships. They will tell you that it is all to do with a form of a way off passing down respect for ones elders; children must listen no matter what... but I think in many cases it has more to do with their own regrets combined with often not having the time or skill to develop effective nurturing skills. In my situation I can put some of it down (with the grandmother) to her growing up in an adverse socio ecomonic climate beyond what we probably can ever imagine but no, I just see it as rude and emotionally stifling - and so does my daughter.

 

Anyhow, practically speaking, I advised my daughter to imagine herself in a protective bubble inside of which all her positive qualities were sealed and to refocus the questioning back to them. She found that they told her the most amazing stories about their childhoods and years as young adults and my daughter could chirp in and tell them bits about her life. Sadly, they still do not see my daughter for who she really is though and she has accepted that this cannot occur for them. I think you need to let go off that aim too. It is a burden you should not carry.

 

I hope you are in therapy and your therapist is able to help you resist the urge to correct this dynamic. Some behavioural responses simply have to die and be replaced. One side cannot do everything.

 

It is unhealthy to be in an environment which does not support you emotionally and in other ways... but the key issue is to let go of responding to their negative emotional prompts. This needs to be resolved Nyla as you could develop serious anxieties etc from being around them which can impact other areas of your life.

 

My daughter sees her dad and his side of the family probably one or twice per year now and only when her favourite aunt is available to be present. I respect this aunt a lot and she reminds my daughter of her sister. The aunt is able to resist the emotional bs and as such no one messes with her. Thankfuly the constant telephone calls from these family members have stopped now as well. It is good that you have been able to resist their calls but it seems like when you have to see them (or even are thinking about having to see them in person) you get triggered.

 

It is important to cut off the blood supply within this process but only the individual can do this. Long term, it is empowering to reach the level where the emotional bs simply doesn't work anymore.

 

Imo, it is about turning attention elsewhere and resisting the temptation to hate via prayer.

 

For the time being, do you have someone who can be with you when you visit? It is important to have someone witness the attempted head ****, lol. Also ask your therapist to help with visual and relaxation exercises for when you do see them and for when you become triggered by situations.

 

.. but keep focusing on your health and Hubby. :)

 

You are fine. Even though they cannot tell you this, you are.

 

Chin up!

 

Take care,

Eve x

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Hello Nyla,

 

I remember reading about some of your troubles before and I think perhaps taking a little time off from your family would help, perhaps until you feel you have your weight or healthy under more control.

 

If I remember correctly, some of the challenges you have precisely because of parental influences, such as a dismissive father. I think it would be very good for you to get some time away from them - without cutting them off of course.

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I contemplate coming off the medication because I am getting tired of the hurtful comments about my weight. It isn't just my parents, it is also strangers and my MIL. I'm not even an enormous woman; I wear a size 12! I was a very skinny person until I went on birth control and starting taking the meds.

Please don't!

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Tomorrow is Father's Day. I am going to return the gift I bought and just give my dad a card. I will also ask my father if he would like me to come off my medication, since it seems more important for me to be thin rather than function like a normal person.
Sounds like a good response. Just don't really go off your meds.

 

Please don't overdo the exercise. All that will happen is you'll give up. Just make sure you are walking at least a mile or two a day, and you'll lose the weight the healthy way.

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I don't return their calls right away or pick up the phone, they get very indignant.
"Sorry, dad, but I don't like to talk to people who tear me down. If you can't control yourself, I'll just have to stop talking to you."

 

And then do it.

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My husband is always with me when I visit my parents. If they start tearing me down, he will immediately give me a hug and say that I am his beautiful wife. That shuts them up pretty quickly. :laugh: Yesterday, my mother was giving me a hard time about wearing a short dress with no bike shorts underneath. She was right as my dress was short, so her comments didn't really bother me. My mother has a way of harping on things until I acknowledge her do or do what she says. She is a piece of work and a nutcase; the root of many of my emotional and mental problems. Later on, my mother was fretting that perhaps my husband would think she was bothering me. :D She hates for my husband to think she is a bad mother, which he already does.

 

I didn't want to ruin Father's Day, so I did not mention the hang up call. Talking to my father is like talking to a wall because he is ignorant and immature. He is prone to bellowing "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO TALK! YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!" I love my dad and he is normally very sweet to me. My mom asked me what I got my father for Father's Day and I said "A card." The cologne I bought cost nearly $100 and I wasn't going to waste my hard earned money on a parent who cannot even show basic respect. I think my father doesn't care about my feelings because of my illness. Everything I say is me being "too touchy".

 

I do have a therapist, Eve. She's wonderful and she tries to help me become less critical of myself. I haven't seen her recently but I am going to make an appointment soon. I am trying to learn to stand on my own, without running to the therapist all the time.

 

The people who have commented on my weight have been three different men who told me I was fat or that there are women who are "way skinnier than me. Barbie doll looking girls." Another idiot was some douchebag I worked with. He told me that I looked like the Duplo blocks that kids play with. I reported that to our boss before I resigned and the idiot got scared. I laughed and told him that maybe the write up he was going to get, would teach him how to relate to coworkers respectfully. I am a very kind and caring woman but anyone who has crossed me knows that I take no prisoners.

 

The other person who talked about my weight was some ghetto chick who is jealous of me. She is trashy and has three kids out of wedlock, with an absent father for those kids. This woman hates that I married a nice man. She said that my weight gain is noticeable and then proceeded to ask me if I was pregnant. The funny thing is, this gash went out of her way to try to convince me and others that she wasn't calling me fat. I feel sorry for trash like that. Women like her beneath me and she knows it, so she tried to pull me down to her level. I just said that my wonderful husband thinks I am sexy. I grinned and asked how her husband feels about her appearance. :cool: All this bitch could do was mumble that she is single. I was glad I put her in her place. I sneered at her and said "Nothing you say is going to change the fact that I have a lovely life. Sorry that yours is terrible enough to talk shiz about people."

 

Ever since I got married, I have had A LOT of women try to tear me down. These women are always unhappily single or struggling single moms.

I have nothing against single moms or unmarried people, but anyone who is rude to me for no reason gets their weaknesses laughed at.

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Nyla, I would say that the issue of the childhood abuse you have suffered and the continued ignoring off your needs is far from resolved. Even though this is the internet, I can feel your anger.

 

Please do link in with your therapist and ask specifically for help with visualisation and relaxation exercises and if you have a faith, lean on it. In total, I would say that you have suffered multiple traumas and are being re-traumatised by contact with your family. The gift buying thing with your dad, silly negative commentary by your mother and your fight to be heard.. it's awful Nyla. Truly awful for anyone, least of all someone who is on important meds and is unwell. :(

 

Oh, and the people who have made ill comments sound like they are hurting or are hurters. Once the issue with your parents is resolved they won't approach you anymore. I used to have people as such 'pick up' on my hurts but now they leave me be. Sorry this has happened to you. I was concerned that you resigned from your job though.. this implies that there is a gap in your behaviour based on what to do once you have been offended or hurt. This is an active example of being retraumatised.

 

Anyhow, rest up now and have a talk with your Doctor about your meds. I hope there is a way forward you can both find. Still isn't it great to be loved by your H, even though you may not be your optimal weight? That's unconditional love right there!

 

Very glad H comes with you when you go to your parents. How long will it take you to get over the visit?

 

Wow, just once more, I have got to say again how glad I am that you have found love and are able to show love. Many end up not being able to do this who have had similar backgrounds. :) Well done you! So happy for you! Concentrate on that.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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Nyla, I would say that the issue of the childhood abuse you have suffered and the continued ignoring off your needs is far from resolved. Even though this is the internet, I can feel your anger.

 

Please do link in with your therapist and ask specifically for help with visualisation and relaxation exercises and if you have a faith, lean on it. In total, I would say that you have suffered multiple traumas and are being re-traumatised by contact with your family. The gift buying thing with your dad, silly negative commentary by your mother and your fight to be heard.. it's awful Nyla. Truly awful for anyone, least of all someone who is on important meds and is unwell. :(

 

Oh, and the people who have made ill comments sound like they are hurting or are hurters. Once the issue with your parents is resolved they won't approach you anymore. I used to have people as such 'pick up' on my hurts but now they leave me be. Sorry this has happened to you. I was concerned that you resigned from your job though.. this implies that there is a gap in your behaviour based on what to do once you have been offended or hurt. This is an active example of being retraumatised.

 

Anyhow, rest up now and have a talk with your Doctor about your meds. I hope there is a way forward you can both find. Still isn't it great to be loved by your H, even though you may not be your optimal weight? That's unconditional love right there!

 

Very glad H comes with you when you go to your parents. How long will it take you to get over the visit?

 

Wow, just once more, I have got to say again how glad I am that you have found love and are able to show love. Many end up not being able to do this who have had similar backgrounds. :) Well done you! So happy for you! Concentrate on that.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

I am very angry. I am angry that I was born to abusive parents. I am angry that I have a sibling who is equally abusive and dismissive. I am angry that I have never enjoyed good health in my life, while all my brothers are fine. I normally try to hide the anger except for when I can be honest, like when I post on LS or talk to my therapist.

 

My therapist talks about "complex trauma", which is several different types of trauma. It is a good thing that I am smart enough to realize that I am far too damaged to have a child. Women like me do not make good parents. I am a wonderful and indulgent aunt but not suited for motherhood. I was once a childminder and the screams of an infant made me want to run away.

 

I don't get along with most women, especially since I got married. Most women seek to put me down or so called "friends" have stabbed me in the back or taken advantage of my kind and caring nature. I have three close buddies and that is all I need. I don't trust most women. I think that people who randomly insult strangers or coworkers have a few screws loose. A normal person does not behave like that. Even I don't do those things and I am ill! :laugh:

 

I have resigned from jobs when there is too much drama or unprofessionalism from coworkers. I have had the unfortunate experience of being harassed and threatened at work. Most times, it was females trying to make me look bad to the boss. I have returned to college to train for a real career, rather than working in stupid call centres. I am traumatized by some of the things I have experienced at work and if I could, I would never return to the workforce. I had one woman send an email around saying she wanted to beat me up. Another one went to HR and complained that she thought I was not wearing a bra. I also worked at another call centre where racist comments were tolerated.

 

The medical profession does not allow for stupidity or crazy behavior. No doctor would put up with dumb employees making racist comments or idiotic complaints; they have practices to run. I am working with my therapist to alleviate some of the fear, but it is hard. My husband is very sympathetic. When I leave jobs because of other people's craziness, he understands completely. I have had enough pain in my life. I don't need stupid people at work trying to make my life difficult. I know there are no perfect workplaces, but I think I can find a place where people act like normal adults.

 

When people are insulting or overly critical, I run away from them. Constructive criticism is fine but not put downs.

 

My doctor will not change my medication because they work very well. :mad:

Sometimes I think that I would rather be crazy and thin than normal and fat.

 

I am already over the last visit. Seeing my parents once a month works well for my husband and I. I try to talk to them as little as possible, but they usually get very upset when I don't call or return their calls right away. I can't wait until they retire and move to another country, though I will miss my dear old dad. Despite his dismissive attitude, he has always shown me love and support. I think this is why the comments hurt me so much. I expect rude comments from my mom but not from my dad.

 

I believe in God and I pray. I believe that my husband is a gift from God for all that I have suffered. I went through a period in my life where I could not believe in a God who put me in such circumstances.

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I'm sorry that my words made you sad. It wasn't my intent.

I know

 

________

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I am very angry. I am angry that I was born to abusive parents. I am angry that I have a sibling who is equally abusive and dismissive. I am angry that I have never enjoyed good health in my life, while all my brothers are fine. I normally try to hide the anger except for when I can be honest, like when I post on LS or talk to my therapist.

 

My therapist talks about "complex trauma", which is several different types of trauma. It is a good thing that I am smart enough to realize that I am far too damaged to have a child. Women like me do not make good parents. I am a wonderful and indulgent aunt but not suited for motherhood. I was once a childminder and the screams of an infant made me want to run away.

 

I don't get along with most women, especially since I got married. Most women seek to put me down or so called "friends" have stabbed me in the back or taken advantage of my kind and caring nature. I have three close buddies and that is all I need. I don't trust most women. I think that people who randomly insult strangers or coworkers have a few screws loose. A normal person does not behave like that. Even I don't do those things and I am ill! :laugh:

 

I have resigned from jobs when there is too much drama or unprofessionalism from coworkers. I have had the unfortunate experience of being harassed and threatened at work. Most times, it was females trying to make me look bad to the boss. I have returned to college to train for a real career, rather than working in stupid call centres. I am traumatized by some of the things I have experienced at work and if I could, I would never return to the workforce. I had one woman send an email around saying she wanted to beat me up. Another one went to HR and complained that she thought I was not wearing a bra. I also worked at another call centre where racist comments were tolerated.

 

The medical profession does not allow for stupidity or crazy behavior. No doctor would put up with dumb employees making racist comments or idiotic complaints; they have practices to run. I am working with my therapist to alleviate some of the fear, but it is hard. My husband is very sympathetic. When I leave jobs because of other people's craziness, he understands completely. I have had enough pain in my life. I don't need stupid people at work trying to make my life difficult. I know there are no perfect workplaces, but I think I can find a place where people act like normal adults.

 

When people are insulting or overly critical, I run away from them. Constructive criticism is fine but not put downs.

 

My doctor will not change my medication because they work very well. :mad:

Sometimes I think that I would rather be crazy and thin than normal and fat.

 

I am already over the last visit. Seeing my parents once a month works well for my husband and I. I try to talk to them as little as possible, but they usually get very upset when I don't call or return their calls right away. I can't wait until they retire and move to another country, though I will miss my dear old dad. Despite his dismissive attitude, he has always shown me love and support. I think this is why the comments hurt me so much. I expect rude comments from my mom but not from my dad.

 

I believe in God and I pray. I believe that my husband is a gift from God for all that I have suffered. I went through a period in my life where I could not believe in a God who put me in such circumstances.

 

Wow, this gave me tingles.

 

Ok, let me speak practically.. for it is obvious that you want things to be better. You have not given up. Direction is so key.

 

From my own experience and observations, child abuse seems to create a new energy in the child; the body doesn't seem to forget trauma. Basically I think that a false end point is created because of the abuse. This is partly psychic as the body tries to protect itself. Partly territorial as the body tries to ensure it is not hurt again and partly spiritual in the sense that sometimes awakenings can happen and can gravitate a person towards righteousness/wanting to see justice done. There is a darker side in which the child can repeat the behaviours towards others or come to align certain physical or sexual gratification with pain.. but I don't think the latter is relevant in your case.

 

What I have found is that two things can change the lived adult experience.

 

. Removing the false end line that has been created. This means sticking at those jobs and confronting the people involved. This basically involves finding the words to use at those times or not saying anything much. The problem is the level of anxiety that can be felt before a conflict can make the person think they cannot do it. Much of the time they actally can, hence why therapy is good to show people they can communicate often really really well! Girl you have to achieve those aims you have. I have felt more confident with gaining the qualifications firstly so that I am grounded in what I know. I have no time for silly work place crap either. Take it as far as you need to... go to medical school if necessary. Med school is great!

 

. Refocusing the anger.Within the anger there will be apt observations which are actually pretty astute. I have mused on whether the anger really is a trace memory or the actual energy that was created by the abuse but I am not sure about this. The challenge is to use this constructively as anger does have a place. Once it is used appropriately it is rare that it should flare up beyond what can be managed. For me this process could only be actuated once I let the story die. You have a new story now which is greater than the last one but it is all still an extention of you and your love. I think you are actually further on than you think within the healing process. The problem is that your parents are unchanged.

 

The child experience really is based on having their needs met enough to be able to feel safe in the world. Your dad is able to fulfil some of these needs at least but he is still in the middle of the conflict between you and your mother and as such his nurturing response is limited. It is not too late for them to learn a new way but they will have to want it. Much depends on how invested in thinking that your not getting over things is a weakness on your part.

 

IMO, family therapy, especially using non violent resistance therapy would be the best route. Don't know how capable your therapist is.. but this does work. Essentially, it is a way for everyone to agree to curb specifically their anger response in whatever form it may manifest itself. This then releases all parties into the realm of learning to nurture each other. Otherwise you will always be in the position of being the crazy, over sensitive one in their presence. This is beyond damaging and will be a hinderance to your accepting the apology that your mother has given.

 

If they refuse to participate there is another route best done really with the above but hey, for some this is the only route available. This was my only choice. You can let it all die - but this is mostly a spiritually based experience. In this realm I would advise a retreat where the aim will be to create your own authentic end point that you can live by. I did things like writing down my experiences, burning and burying them. All covered by prayer, well, just talking to God. I have not had an easy path towards faith because I too was seriously angry. I was even subject to rages at one point in which I could be violent towards others.

 

.. In finding a way to let the story die, triggers can still occur but I think it is a matter of the frequency being less so than previously. The primary freedom is the freedom in ones awareness.

 

Regarding not having children. I hope you come to a place where it is your decision and not something you feel is sealed because you think you will be an unresponsive mum. Abused persons do not tend to abuse their children. Rather they run a higher risk of being re-traumatised by some aspects within parenthood, like within the teen years. Some find that too much but if taught key skills they often find they can actually manage really well! No, abused kids tend to grow up to be great parents and seriously good workers in the caring industry! I think you need to let that end point die. Enjoy being a fabulous aunt but really if children will come to you freely that is a sign that you are built for parenting. It will be negative emotional responses telling you differently but it is ok to simply not want to be a mum. Just know that by letting the story die, red herrings also die. It cracks me up when I look at my youngest sister. She used to be so anti motherhood. She has a daughter now who is beyond cute! and is thinking about having another one. She had a fear of pregnancy more than anything else and doubted she would have a connection.

 

I think much of my healing came once I accepted that there wasn't much I could do about my past and I too could create a legacy worth something. Also I have noted that the most humble starts can create the most incredible life stories. I think we are often born to the wrong people, lol and family is not always based on blood! I don't compare myself anymore. Of course comparisons do exist with others but I always say to my children that comparisons can only make us bitter or vain. We have to find ways to live authentically, otherwise we can mimick the faults of those who we don't want to be like.

 

The weight issue. I thought of you last night during an advert for slimming aids (I think they were tablets) Have a chat to your pharmacist about them, (sorry not sure how they are classified). Where I live they cost about £40 per treatment and apparently help the weight loss process x3. Something to do with the digestion process? I am not sure precisely but I have been told that they work. The pharmacist will be able to guide you regarding whether this is compatible with your meds. Pharmacists are really useful! This could help in line with exercising and being careful with your diet.

 

As for the friendship thing, I am worse than you! I don't really let people into my home, lol. You should have seen me when my girls were little! I trusted no one. I can be sociable and all that but I am a loner. I have simply reasoned that I could have been as such anyway, what with being an aquarian and not liking people too much anyway. I don't think it is a bad thing to be cautious but be careful of labels whether it is people labeling you or you them. People usually have interesting stories and often not being able to tell the story lies at the root of dysfunction. Do you know your parents stories of how they grew up? I use humour mostly to cut past awkward moments mostly... but I am used to working with highly dysfunctional people so don't see a bit off rudeness as a problem. It is when it is targeted and premeditated that I take issue and will destroy that ****.

 

I am thankful too to God for my H. He gets me totally. He even can manage me when I am quite unmanageable simply with a smile. :love:

 

Anyhow, I hope one little thing within the above helps. Mostly I am hoping to inspire you to keep opening those doors and keep going. :) I do have some visualisation and relaxation techniques but I think your therapist is the best person to lead on this.

 

Just know that it is possible to live without this pain. Remove the end points that have been falsely created and live. The best example is always a life well lived.

 

*Mega hugs*

 

In my heart and prayers,

Take care,

Eve x

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