Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) My dad is seeing a girl who's probably 28 now, my dad was a pretty conservative guy when I was younger. My dad drank very little, did not approve of sex before marriage, didn't like to go to parties, and listened to old cowboy music. He met this girl three years and all of that went out the window. They drink together, they go out to parties all the time the pictures usually are on her Facebook the next day. My dad usually is laughing on has a huge smile on his face, they drink hard alcohol a lot, and the other day I got in his car and a techno mix was in the cd player with the bass all the way up. They quite obviously have sex together... He's also changed things about his appearance. I like her, she's very very beautiful and is a great person. She and my dad will take my son if needed and have helped with my stepson. I enjoy her a lot, she even is nice to my mom, who is the opposite of her. My question is it normal for older men to change while dating younger women? Is there anything I need to worry about? Edited June 1, 2013 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 It's not uncommon for a middle aged man to go chasing after a much younger woman after a divorce. After the novelty wears off, he'll probably realize the hard partying life is not for him, and he no longer wants to be acting like a 20 something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 My question is it normal for older men to change while dating younger women? Some men do, some don't. There are aspects of her 'style' he apparently likes, is attracted to and desires to emulate to a certain degree. For some men, it is regaining lost youth. For others, and perhaps for your father, it is experimenting with a youth he did not participate in. Is there anything I need to worry about? My main concern would be him driving while intoxicated. Otherwise, life is short and he apparently is enjoying himself. Live and let live. You may find yourself drawn to apparently 'different' situations throughout your life and will perhaps remember this one as an example of how it looks from the outside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 1, 2013 Author Share Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) The only reason I'm really thinking about it is because he's changed so much... He just never did drink, or smoke, or go out and party... It's just been a shock and hard to get use to.I believe they try to get a designated driver when they go out, but I know he's driven after getting intoxicated before, though he wouldn't let her drive. Edited June 1, 2013 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 In a way, that makes sense. You've always known him as the 'responsible' father and role model. That you're noticing this behavior indicates that he apparently did his job well. People are complex and have 'sides'. You're seeing a bit of his 'wild' side now that you're an adult and his immediate responsibilities have lessened/concluded. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 1, 2013 Author Share Posted June 1, 2013 It's awkward seeing pictures of it on Facebook... I love my dad and this change is just weird for me. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 Maybe you should ask him "What have you done with my father? He's been replaced with a 20 something party animal." It might help him to see how silly and immature he is acting. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 I like her, she's very very beautiful and is a great person. She and my dad will take my son if needed and have helped with my stepson. I enjoy her a lot, she even is nice to my mom, who is the opposite of her. Reading this passage, if you do indeed agree with KathyM that your father is acting silly and immature, perhaps this person, who at a young age apparently has a very mature and compassionate side to her, will be a positive influence on him. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 I wouldn't say the drinking, smoking, hard partying all the time, and drunk driving has been a positive influence on him. Just sayin . . . My sister kind of experienced something like this with her ex after they divorced. He married a woman (not a younger woman) who had a lot of bad habits (smoking, drinking, etc.), and he subsequently became a smoker and drinker as well. Never used to do that. The new wife was a bad influence on him. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 Kathy, that's a myopic view of the totality of the relationship IMO. Further, you're taking my statement out of context. If you need some clarity, re-read it. Also, I don't believe the OP mentioned that her father was driving drunk. That was a concern I raised. Lastly, address your comments to the OP. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 1, 2013 Author Share Posted June 1, 2013 He has driven after drinking before saying he could function, and wasn't far from home and was a grown man so I dropped it. She has brought out his gentle, patient side as well which has been great for everyone. It started after a year and a half in, he was being impatient with her cancer ridden mother after they'd gone to see her. That night everyone was at his house and she told him that she was capable of walking out the door and not coming back, they got in a screaming match and she was gone five minutes after. We didn't think she would ever come back. It took awhile, but she did and her mom passed away. I think he got to experience things he hadn't before raised in a military family, marrying an overbearing religious woman and having two daughters early on. My husband says that he likes the "cooler" guy more. I think we all do. I'm seeing him later today and I might bring up this change. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 Kathy, that's a myopic view of the totality of the relationship IMO. Further, you're taking my statement out of context. If you need some clarity, re-read it. Also, I don't believe the OP mentioned that her father was driving drunk. That was a concern I raised. Lastly, address your comments to the OP. Thanks. The OP said herself that her father has sometimes driven drunk, but will not let the girlfriend drive drunk. I'm not saying that everything the girlfriend does has been a bad influence, but only that the OP has some valid concerns, because it does sound like her father has developed some bad habits (smoking, drinking, hard partying, and occasional drunk driving) as a result of this woman's influence. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 He has driven after drinking before saying he could function, and wasn't far from home and was a grown man so I dropped it. She has brought out his gentle, patient side as well which has been great for everyone. It started after a year and a half in, he was being impatient with her cancer ridden mother after they'd gone to see her. That night everyone was at his house and she told him that she was capable of walking out the door and not coming back, they got in a screaming match and she was gone five minutes after. We didn't think she would ever come back. It took awhile, but she did and her mom passed away. I think he got to experience things he hadn't before raised in a military family, marrying an overbearing religious woman and having two daughters early on. My husband says that he likes the "cooler" guy more. I think we all do. I'm seeing him later today and I might bring up this change. It sounds like you like the positive changes in your father, but are unhappy with the negative changes. The positive changes being that he is more laid back, more patient. The negative changes being that he is now smoking, drinking and partying all the time, as you stated, and sometimes driving drunk. Maybe you could have a talk with him and tell him you've noticed some positive changes in him, and he seems a lot more relaxed and more patient than he used to be, and a lot more chill, but that there are some things that have you concerned (the smoking habit, the drinking, and especially the occasional drunk driving). Maybe you could elicit a promise from him that he will call a cab if he has had more than two drinks, and not risk his life or someone else's life. Maybe you could tell him that you are concerned about these things because you don't want to see his health to be negatively affected by this. I think you should have this talk with your father. You have some valid concerns, and you should voice them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 2, 2013 Author Share Posted June 2, 2013 We talked today while we ran errands together, and I asked him if he noticed the change too, and that it started happening when they hooked up. He said he had and she was the reason and listed the things. She did increase his drinking, when they met he was uncomfortable with drinking. He told me he wanted her to stop and she told him not to try to change her. They went to a party with alcohol and everyone had a drink he felt out of place so he got one and loved the feeling. She doesn't smoke, one of her friends made him try it. He just does it if he's trying to "fit in" with these people. I brought up their physical relationship and asked if he felt hypocritical at all. He said no, and it was none of my business. I gave him that... I know none of it is. If he knows he'll be drinking he gets a ride and he knows he's dumb for drinking and driving one night. I told him they can call me too if it's an emergency. And lastly, he still listens to his music, and she likes it now. The cd in his car was from the night before they were out with friends, but even three years later he just wants them to like him and accept him . So he changes parts of himself when he has to. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 If you don't mind sharing, how old is your father? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 2, 2013 Author Share Posted June 2, 2013 He's 54 years olD Link to post Share on other sites
Shooting_Star Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Sounds like peer pressure and maybe a little bit of a mid life crisis. But if the positive out ways the negative, I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe just tell him he shouldn't give in to the peer pressure and leave it at that. Afterall, he is an adult and can make his own choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) My dad has been really upset... He told me he has been begging her for dates for the last few weeks. She's becoming uninterested in him and he doesn't know what to do... She is starting to want kids, he knows she deserves them. He thinks there might be someone else. She makes him happier than anyone else. He can't stand the thought of losing her. He asked me for advice but I don't know what to tell him. Edited June 21, 2013 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) He called me freaking out this morning, apparently, a friend of his saw her out with another guy. They were holding hands, hugging, and kissing. He told me he felt like going over to her house and, more or less, hurting her. I told him to calm down, the place she was seen in is very dark, there was no way they'd be able to see exactly what was going on and maybe it wasn't her. I don't think she would cheat on him, she's not like that. He told me that they lost a baby about two months ago and she hasn't shown any real interest in him since... What should I do? Should I call her and ask? Should I warn her and tell her to get protection in case he really does try to hurt her? The last thing I want is a phone call from the police or a hospital, so I feel like I do need to get involved. Edited June 25, 2013 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
Ed the 3rd Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Sounds like mid-life crisis. To your latest question try talking with her yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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