Mom's b/f is Driving Me to a Mental Breakdown

[wowboring]

I live with my mom and her boyfriend of 11 years. At the moment I don't have the resources to move out, but I want to start working on it ASAP. I also have some serious anxiety issues that I'm trying to get dealt with.

 

I love my mom with all my heart, she's wonderful, and usually I don't mind her boyfriend, but for the last 4 years he's been straight up awful off and on, with the awful periods just getting longer and longer.

 

He's always putting me (and sometimes mom, but awkwardly it's mostly me?) up on a pedestal and degrading himself, telling me I'm so smart and pretty and wonderful and he's this disgusting, ugly, fat, stupid, useless troll creature we only keep around for whatever the reason of the week is (usually to fix computers or money) and that we hate him. It doesn't matter what you say to him you always, always hate him and want him gone but just won't say it. When I was walking somewhere with a friend and didn't see him in his car it meant I hated him and didn't care if he was dead. When I didn't tell him I thought I might be depressed and talked to a therapist instead of him it meant I don't trust him, care about him or think about him. When my friend and I ordered pizza while he and mom were asleep it meant we didn't care about him because we didn't wake him up to see if he wanted some, even though my FRIEND was the one paying. When mom and i decided to give him a surprise birthday dinner we had 'forgotten his birthday on purpose' and he wouldn't talk to us for three weeks. And THEN we were supposed to have forced him to do the birthday celebrations after he ran away telling us not to talk to him and it was our fault we didn't. Trust me, this list goes on and on and on.

 

Right now he won't talk to me because when he demanded mom and I make him pre-birthday cards I didn't make him one. I told him I wasn't going to do it and he could wait for his stupid birthday but when I didn't do it anyways he got mad at me and refuses to even acknowledge me. The next day I was so distraught I ended up making him one and he started yelling to my mom while I was trying to sleep about how I only do things when he's mad, I don't mean it, I don't care about him and I want him gone.

 

If I tell him how much his behaviour upsets me he says that he refuses to talk to me or look at me for weeks on end because he's so mad that he knows he'll say the wrong thing and I'll throw him out (once he said something really distressing to me and when he offered to leave for a little while Mom said it was for the best and apparently that means I'll throw him out over anything!!). I've said time and time again I can't even throw him out myself because he's NOT DATING ME and I don't own the apartment but nothing I say ever matters!! He doesn't want me getting a job because then I'll start making money and leave and he thinks that also means I hate him. Sometimes he makes himself vomit and then he'll imply it's my fault because I stressed him out SO MUCH by not doing or doing whatever it was that made him so scared/mad that he was vomiting. Even if I tell him I didn't mean to upset him that much it doesn't matter because he was so upset he was vomiting or having nightmares. Anytime I say something he can't rebut like that, like pointing out that he wouldn't speak to mom or me for weeks he starts on about how he's so awful and we're just going to throw him out any second.

 

I've tried talking to him like an adult. I've tried empathic listening. I've made lists and told him about my boundaries, usually he just laughs cynically because it sounds too clinical and doesn't listen. I tried to make a checkpoint system for the silent treatment - he won't use it anymore since I asked him to stop sending me e-mails (his e-mails were stressing me out so much I was nearly in tears every time i checked my inbox, just in case he'd left another one). I've tried meeting halfway, but his demands are constantly shifting, and sometimes he'll even say he doesn't know what he wants me to do but I have to do something to prove I care. I even have gotten mad and yelled, which isn't a thing I usually do, he said that I always respond to everything he does wrong with anger and that's why he's so scared I hate him and am going to make him leave.

 

My mom loves him and she's a smart adult who I can't tell who she should and shouldn't date. She knows how I feel and how much he stresses me out, he does the same crap to her x10, but we both have nervous, people pleasing personalities and it is so hard and stressful for her to stand up to him. Strange thing is that normally he's really nice and funny and all around great but right now living with him is stressing me out so goddamn much I just want to die because it would be easier than failing all of these invisible tests that are supposed to show how much I care and being painted as this horrible villainess for it.

 

After the stupid pre-birthday card thing I haven't spoken with him and it's been about a week. I've been hiding out in my room for the most part or going over to a friend's house, but it's weighing so heavy on me. The thought of confronting him again is making me sick but I don't think he's going to talk to me about it. I always have to start the confrontation and it stresses the hell out me. I know he clearly has attachment and self esteem issues but there's no way in hell he's going to ever want to see someone about it.

 

Please, someone tell me what to do!!!! Even if I manage to smooth this particular mess over there's just going to be another one and then another and it will never end. Eventually I will be able to move out but I'm scared about how he's going to keep treating my mom. She's depressed, agoraphobic and already has a hard enough time without having to deal with him on her own. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a breakdown and when I think about him I feel hollow and sick and physically tired. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

[GorillaTheater]

One way to deal with irrational, unreasonable people is to give them what they say they want:

 

"Yes, I hate you because I didn't see you in your car, since I was busy talking to my friend."

 

"Yes, I don't care about you because I didn't wake you up to share a pizza that my friend bought with her money".

 

"Yes, I want you out because I didn't give you a pre-birthday card. Whatever that is."

 

All delivered calmly and without a trace of irony.

 

Ultimately though, yeah, best to find your own place. ASAP.

[turnera]

And maybe point your mom to some counseling so she can learn to deal with it better.

[wowboring]

Thanks for the advice. Sarcasm hasn't really helped him realize how riddiculous his demands are as of yet, he also has some way of justifying it, but maybe if I really deadpan it I can gain some kind of leverage. I'll try it.

 

And I think you might be right about the counselling. Mom's never done too well with therapy like that, it creates too anxious of a situation for her, but she is going to have to learn to deal with it somehow. Maybe I can find her something that will help her with this.

 

I've got a friend who is also trying to move out ASAP and we're probably going to move together, so that's what I'm really working towards!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey Wowboring (interesting nickname:))!

 

Uff, just reading about his and your mom's behaviour (for not protecting you) made my blood boil, I can't imagine what it must be like for you! It's inexcusable how you're being treated and extremely abusive!

 

It's great to hear, though, that you're fighting for yourself and looking to get out of this toxic environment! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

 

 

I grew up in a very tiring environment where my mom also had/has a lot of self-esteem and self-degrading issues, and it was really hard for me. In the last couple of years, and especially this year, I think I've been doing a lot of things to help me protect myself from all detrimental behaviour of "adults" around me.

 

So based on my experience, my first advice would be, like others have said, counselling! Or at least the use of various hotlines, school psychologists, support groups etc.

 

 

Secondly, I strongly recommend you to read several books, but first and foremost a book called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward (available for free in PDF online, google it)! It has among other things a lot of suggestions on how to establish boundaries, recognize the types of abuse and effects of toxic parents, ... And I would strongly recommend you tell your mom to read this! So she will see how detrimental and hard it is for you to be around such adults.

 

I said at the beginning that it's not only his behaviour, but hers as well, that is toxic - it is her duty as your mother to protect you from such behaviour, to stand up to him both for herself and for you! She's to blame as well for enabling him to get away with such kind of behaviour.

 

 

 

Thirdly, I hope you have "outlets"/"channels" to let out your stress and frustrations and not to keep it inside of you. I recommend running etc.. Also I'd recommend talking to close friends about this and how this is affecting you (I was surprised how much my friends noticed stuff about me that I didn't notice and which stemmed from my home).

 

Also, I'd recommend that you take some time every day to express all the frustration, anger,..., negative emotions building up inside you. What I do is go out for a walk in the nature and talk/shout out load how angry I am, how fuc--d up my family is etc. Another thing - for me, it helps to write down everyday all the bad feelings and things that they've caused me, and then to burn the paper on which I've written it. And then everyday I try to remind myself of how great I am despite all of this, and of all the positive stuff in my life at the moment and in the future.

 

I could write more about how I deal with all this if you want me to, because I think some of it might help you, but the post is getting quite long as it is.

 

//

 

Another thing, if I may ask (I understand it might be a painful and too personal...), what is your relationship like with your father? Is there any chance he could aid you in dealing with this situation?

 

//

 

Best of wishes, I look forward to hearing from you and I hope we will all be able to give you useful advice and comfort!

[Radu]

Calvin pretty much wrote everything i could have.

 

I'd like to add though, to further emphathise this ... he is an abuser and it comes from his cronic self-esteem problems, he likes to pain himself as the victim and he is like a black hole that sucks up all the radiant light that you and your mom are putting up.

Your mom is an enabler for allowing this to happen to you, and i think she also has self-esteem issues if she allows something like this [you mention the ppl pleasing personality].

Finally, it's a good thing you are noticing this because there might be a chance you will attract men like him in the future and you need to recognize the signs.

[wowboring]

Thanks so much for the help and support Calvin's Wagon! I'm definitely going to check out Toxic Parents. I remember seeing Susan Forward's stuff around, so I'm sure it will help somehow. I'll talk to my mom about it too. Even though she has her own problems, she isn't unreasonable or a bad person, just easily pushed over and very afraid. She'll listen if I have information to give her and maybe it will get her thinking. We've discussed her b/f leaving before, when he was being rude to her because she dared to visit one of her friends (I let her know how awful I thought that was), and she was fairly reasonable about the idea. I know that with the current incident she is blaming him for it and told him in no uncertain terms about that and she's trying to buffer between us a little, but it's she's definitely an enabler and if things go back to being good then she lets stuff go.

 

I used to go out for walks a lot but lately I have just been staying in my room, I should start going back out again. I think I stopped because I was scared of having to justify leaving for the walks all the time to him, but I was in an even worse place then. I should be able to deal with it now. I hadn't heard of the paper thing, I think I'll give it a go. Anything to stop myself from feeling like this day in and out.

 

I've got a doctor's appointment in a week (on his birthday, won't that go over good?) so hopefully they can point me in the right direction.

 

And thankfully my best friend is totally in the loop and when things are too awful she always lets me stay for a night or two at her place, which helps a lot. Unfortunately she's a really assertive person and her family are also all really assertive so she doesn't know how to deal with someone who is passive-aggressive like my mom's b/f is. But she always listens and supports me and is the best friend I could ever hope to have.

 

It's not too painful to ask about my Dad. I don't really talk to him much because he moved to the other end of the country a few years ago. He has never even tried to support me financially since my parents split even though he makes more than my mom so I've always been a little bitter at him. And I don't like my step-mom much (she used to treat me pretty awful). I love him in a strange way but I almost never tell him about my problems because he gets so upset that he hasn't been there for me when I do and at the moment there's no way he's be prepared to have me live with him. Although honestly my step-mom, as nasty as she can be, is almost feeling like a better option!

 

Again, thanks so much for everything. I'm going to read the book and try the outlets and by any means if you have any others I am so down! There's no way I'm staying in this hellhole forever but until I can get out I need to find a way to stop myself from going up in smoke!!

[wowboring]

Thanks Radu! You're probably pretty right. It's hard to label what he's doing as abuse because most of the time he really is great and we're so scared of hurting him but the more I live here the harder it gets to not see it for that. And a black hole, DAMN what a good descriptor. That is exactly what it feels like to be around this! Like he's sucking something out of me.

 

It's hard to think of my mom like that, but you're right she definitely does have esteem issues and she does enable him. I'm trying to get her to stop but it feels like it's a never ending battle with something, you know?

 

I definitely won't be dating any men like mom's b/f, god I wish that I could dump him most of the time!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey!

 

Wowboring (I smile everytime I imagine you commenting on something with this phrase:)), it's good and reassuring to hear from you again, and especially to read that you are really determined, intelligent, kind and strong, and have good friends!

 

I wanted to say that I'm sorry, but I'm having a rough day today so I'll try to write more tomorrow/Sunday. Just wanted to let you know that and in the mean time say and ask you a couple of things.

 

 

I think what Radu said is very important - recognizing that he's manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, low self-esteem,... That's why I recommend you try to take some time to read lots of info sources regarding this. Books, internet articles,... I/we will gladly give you our advice, but it's important to read what the experts recommend/have to say about. Maybe check the online literature list for courses in psychology at some universities and select the books from those areas and look them up in libraries, ask for suggestions in the library/book stores etc., google this (for example , this )

 

I will try to suggest you a couple of other books,... in my next posts. I can already suggest "Families and how to survive them" by Skynner (an excellent book, was the textbook for my "law and psychology" course, and it's really witty as well (co-authored by John Cleese:)). I also have to check if some books I know have been translated into English...

 

 

Also pay attention to those parts of the books, articles,... that talk about how our parents/adult figures in our youth affect what kind of people we like as we grow up. That is what Radu was alluding to - for example, a lot of people who grew up with alcoholic parents "fall in love" with alcoholics etc.

 

Or, in my example (you can read more in my threads), in my family my parents were (to use the phrase from Toxic parents) inadequate parents and from my early years I took care of them (emotionally,...) and as I grew up, I recently realized that I was attracted to girls who needed someone to take care of them, because I got so used to feeling that I'm only worthy of someone's love, time, affection, etc., if I "take care of them", "do everything for them" etc. And I don't like that about me, and I'm trying to change that. And I think that's what Radu meant (please, correct me if I misunderstood you) by saying be careful and that it's a good thing you're aware of those signs. I hope that won't be a problem with you, but it doesn't hurt to tell you to pay attention to this...

 

 

 

Also, I think my advice on how to deal with him depends greatly on how much do you want to be involved with him in the future.

 

There are, in my opinion, quite a few options:

- you may want to stay in civil/polite relations with him where you tolerate his presence b/c of your mother, but don't want to have anything more with him

- you may want to see if he would be willing (in a couple of months, years,...) to change/address his issues, and (then) try to have a meaningful relationship with him...

- you may want to just save yourself from his influence and not have anything ever to do with him (or at least for the next several years, until someone informs you that he's changed), even if that burns bridges with him

- ...

 

So I think it'd be helpful for us to hear about this (and I can certainly understand that you might want to keep several/all options opened...).

 

A question - what do you think that your mom would think if you cut off all contact with him and ignored him beyond the minimum necessary (as long as he's a part of your mom's life)? Perhaps if you also explained beforehand to him (calmly, in person, in a letter) that you wish him well and that he finds help, but that you have to protect yourself.

 

And another thing - do you think he has any (hidden) tendencies to explode/become abusive/violent if he is ignored, etc.?

 

 

Ok, so much from me for now, I will reply more this weekend, I wish everyone reading this a nice Friday evening:)

 

__________________

New Updated No Contact Guide 2013 //

Please take into account that I'm not very experienced in life and I have a lot of issues I'm still working on. I don't want to cause more harm than good by posting her. //

Edited March 29, 2013 by Calvin's wagon

[Radu]

You're spot on Calvin, and i'll have to look that book up by Skynner [i'm taking a Judicial Psychology course right now].

 

I noticed a while back that i keep getting attracted to the same ppl.

It stems partially from my parents, but they played a more passive role in all of this [introverts, allowed it to happen; i do not blame them at all]. I got bullied at my grandparents and at my school, physically and psychologically by both my peers and my grades 1-4 teacher.

This started a whole cascade of things, ending up with me being a complete recluse and listening too much to the advise when it comes of women from the women of my life [the only true impartial women i've found when it comes to this are gay women].

Result ... relationships with abusive women with low self-esteem while i was waiting for that one [1] Disney princess. The few good women in my life, i pushed away.

 

Still, what happened to me is light compared to some ppl of this forum.

Could have been much worse, i could have married one of them or had a kid with one of them.

[turnera]

We've discussed her b/f leaving before, when he was being rude to her because she dared to visit one of her friends (I let her know how awful I thought that was), and she was fairly reasonable about the idea.

Start reading about mental abuse. This is one of the key steps an abuser uses to control his victim - removing her support system. Find some websites that have a checklist of abusive traits, and read it to her, without telling her what it's about. She'll likely see him in a lot of the items. THEN tell her what the list is about. She may not realize she's being abused. Hearing that might get her thinking.