I've had enough of my son

[sutergirl]

This is difficult to write, but I have to admit that I strongly dislike my 7 year-old son. I love him, of course, but don't want to be near him or have anything to do with him at all. I probably sound like a terrible mother. However, my son is extremely defiant, everything is a battle from bathing to brushing teeth to doing homework. I have tried every approach imaginable and am very consistent. Still, he is constantly throwing massive tantrums about everything. I have not done so, but I feel a strong desire to hit him and otherwise physically abuse him. Unfortunately, his father does too and actually has hit him a few times (we are divorced and do not live together). I also have 2 daughters whom I love and like to be around. They are both very pleasant sweet girls. They also can not stand to be near their brother. I give my son lots of 1:1 attention, positive attention - we read books together, snuggle, etc., but nothing I do is effective. He has also been in therapy, which has had no effect at all. I would like to give him to his dad, but I know that would likely just make his problems worse since his dad also doesn't like him and acts out on his dislike of him. I never imagined that I would dislike my own child or feel the desire to physically abuse a child. It is so so sad to me and I am wondering if anyone has been through anythng like this and can offer advice.

[TaraMaiden]

Have you spoken to a doctor about having him evaluated for a mental disorder?

I'm serious.....

[sutergirl]

I have asked my ex about doing this testing and he has refused, and since he has 50% legal custody (not physical), there is not much I can do. In the past, we have had lengthy and expensive court battles (not fun), so I am not very interested in another one. My son has some issues at school, but not to the same extent as at home, so school has done nothing other than document on his report cards that he is easily distracted and distracting to other children in class. Strangely, he gets good grades in school, but is a complete monster at home. Just to practice spelling words, it is a 2-3 hour battle each night. I am so exhausted all the time and feel that my other 2 children suffer from lack of attention.

[TaraMaiden]

In taht case, take him to your ex- and tell him to deal with him.

Unless he sees for himself what his son is like, he won't budge. Tell him that until he agrees to an assessment - HE can look after him.

 

Harsh?

Yup.

Drastic?

I'll say.

 

But it may be the only way you have to make anything happen.

Because what you've done up to now, hasn't worked, has it?

[Mina]

You're son sounds like me. I was a nightmare for my parents at that age.

 

He needs to be evaluated. Go in and speak with the teacher/school counselor about it. It may come down to a legal dispute but it needs to be done.

 

I was diagnosed with ADHD around that age, and while no medication helped (I have a strong resistance to medicines), getting tested started the process in better behavior. Also I out grew the behavior problems, but hopefully every child does.

[CC12]

He needs to be evaluated. Go in and speak with the teacher/school counselor about it. It may come down to a legal dispute but it needs to be done.

 

I agree with this. But OP, I am not sure why there's even a possibility that it would come down to a legal dispute. I'm not well versed in custody issues, but on what legal grounds can your husband refuse to have your son's behavioral problems addressed? How can he refuse legitimate medical help for your son? And even if he could, "legal battle's aren't 'fun'" is not a good reason to not get your son the help he needs.

 

Also, I think you should get yourself some therapy. You're understandably exhausted, but having urges to physically abuse your son is very worrisome so get some help before you snap and do something terrible.

[gaius]

You sound like my mother! She managed to get me shipped off to boarding school but that's a lot harder to do nowadays. Hasn't had much luck with my younger siblings so far. She tried the therapy and meds thing with me but it had no effect either. Therapy can easily be manipulated and all meds really do is dope the kid out of his mind. If he's strong and stubborn enough and his home environment doesn't change neither will do much good. Male children crave structure. They want another male figure in their life that's stronger and smarter than they are. That pay attention to them and who they can't manipulate. It's frightening for a child if you're the strongest and smartest in the household.

 

I don't know if you're dating anyone right now but if you are have him take the kid up to his room and give him a walloping next time he starts up a temper tantrum and won't stop. My mother would coax my step-father into doing that to me once in a while and I always felt much calmer and more at peace afterward. If you're going to use physical discipline make sure you're consistent and fair about it though. Only in response to his bad behavior. Beating the kid because you had a bad day at work just makes things worse.

[Els]

What sort of consequences/discipline do you impose upon him for his bad behaviour? Does none of that work? I find it worrisome that you're vacillating from snuggling, etc, to thinking about physical abuse. Both you and your son may need professional help.

[Wolfcub]

Try eliminating all sugar, including hidden, and bread from his diet, do it for a few weeks, you will see if it helps. Quite often it does the trick. Check "Primal Blueprint" for more precise info.

[sutergirl]

What sort of consequences/discipline do you impose upon him for his bad behaviour? Does none of that work? I find it worrisome that you're vacillating from snuggling, etc, to thinking about physical abuse. Both you and your son may need professional help.

 

 

I am very consistent with discipline, and I have never physically abused my son. I just said that I had feelings that I wanted to. It is hard to not have those feelings when he hits, kicks, screams, throws things, damages property, swears at me, etc. In general, I try to intervene before the severe behavior kicks in, which means my son goes to his room. At this point, he has no toys in his room. Just his bed and some clothing. I praise good (even decent) behavior. If the behavior becomes too bad, my only recourse is to put my son in a hold until he calms down. After he calms down, he usually won't speak to me for hours, but when he finally will speak we discuss what happened, how he is responsible for his behavior, and my expectation that he control himself.

 

I think anyone dealing with this would need professional help.

[sutergirl]

Try eliminating all sugar, including hidden, and bread from his diet, do it for a few weeks, you will see if it helps. Quite often it does the trick. Check "Primal Blueprint" for more precise info.

 

 

Thank you for your response. I will try anything at this point.

[sutergirl]

I agree with this. But OP, I am not sure why there's even a possibility that it would come down to a legal dispute. I'm not well versed in custody issues, but on what legal grounds can your husband refuse to have your son's behavioral problems addressed? How can he refuse legitimate medical help for your son? And even if he could, "legal battle's aren't 'fun'" is not a good reason to not get your son the help he needs.

 

Also, I think you should get yourself some therapy. You're understandably exhausted, but having urges to physically abuse your son is very worrisome so get some help before you snap and do something terrible.

 

 

Thank you for your response. I know my son needs to be evaluated. In our case, it would definitely be a legal dispute. I filed a motion 2 years ago for the same evaluation and the amount of time in court and money spent was absurd, and the judge didn't even address the motion (there were other motions filed at the same time). We even had a guardian ad litem in our case that recommended an evaluation, but still no ruling on the motion. After 15 months in court and 20K in attorneys fees, I finally let go of trying to make any additional changes (too stressful for me).

[sutergirl]

You sound like my mother! She managed to get me shipped off to boarding school but that's a lot harder to do nowadays.

 

That is horrible!!! I wouldn't want that for my son. I do love him and want the best for him, but he is not enjoyable to be around.

[FitChick]

You sound like my mother! She managed to get me shipped off to boarding school... Male children crave structure. They want another male figure in their life that's stronger and smarter than they are.

I agree with this. My cousin, who was a total brat, was sent to military boarding school and it turned his life around. Otherwise he would have ended up in jail like his father. Male children need male role models. Women seem to think kids don't need fathers and look around you. Has society really improved?

 

Send him to live with his father. Maybe just the two of them will work things out. If he is still a terror, then perhaps the father will agree to foot the bill for military school. You have nothing to lose at this point.

[CC12]

Thank you for your response. I know my son needs to be evaluated. In our case, it would definitely be a legal dispute. I filed a motion 2 years ago for the same evaluation and the amount of time in court and money spent was absurd, and the judge didn't even address the motion (there were other motions filed at the same time). We even had a guardian ad litem in our case that recommended an evaluation, but still no ruling on the motion. After 15 months in court and 20K in attorneys fees, I finally let go of trying to make any additional changes (too stressful for me).

 

What would happen if you just went ahead and had the evaluation done? Why is it that you need the court's permission, or even your husband's? If your son had been showing signs of hearing loss, for example, you probably wouldn't hesitate to take him to a doctor, and nobody could fault you.

 

So if your ex has a problem with that, then...what? What could he do? He can try to take you to court because you sought treatment for your son's medical condition? Why would anyone take him seriously? To me (and most people?) your son's behavioral issues are as medically important as a hearing impairment and I can't imagine you getting into trouble for taking your son to get that sorted out.

 

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm challenging you or anything, I'm just honestly confused by your situation. How can one parent prevent medical treatment? Is it a religious thing? Is the treatment you're after something extreme or some kind of alternative medicine? Can you explain?

[Janesays]

Give him to his father or find someone to help you. (Family?) I mean, you said you've have tried everything and nothing has worked. Maybe he needs someone that isn't you. I used to work with children that had very severe behavioral problems. Puppy kickers, fire starters, 8 year old that attacked younger siblings with knives....some real shocking stuff. In every case, when their guardian could make zero headway, we could turn the behavior completely around. Part of that was simple operant conditioning, but another part of it was a change of scenery.

[KatZee]

What would happen if you just went ahead and had the evaluation done? Why is it that you need the court's permission, or even your husband's? If your son had been showing signs of hearing loss, for example, you probably wouldn't hesitate to take him to a doctor, and nobody could fault you.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. Who cares if custody is 50/50. There is clearly something wrong here, and when something is wrong with you or a child, you go to the doctor. You call up and schedule an appointment. You don't ask for permission.

 

I've been taken to the doctor by my mother without my father present. No doctor has ever asked for paternal consent to being evaluated and treated.

 

I'm kind of confused here.

[hppr]

I am very consistent with discipline, and I have never physically abused my son. I just said that I had feelings that I wanted to. It is hard to not have those feelings when he hits, kicks, screams, throws things, damages property, swears at me, etc. In general, I try to intervene before the severe behavior kicks in, which means my son goes to his room. At this point, he has no toys in his room. Just his bed and some clothing. I praise good (even decent) behavior. If the behavior becomes too bad, my only recourse is to put my son in a hold until he calms down. After he calms down, he usually won't speak to me for hours, but when he finally will speak we discuss what happened, how he is responsible for his behavior, and my expectation that he control himself.

 

I think anyone dealing with this would need professional help.

 

I saw a kid like this on COPS, he was 7 and locked his mom out of the house so they had to break in and grab the little bugger. The kid's room had a wooden sign on the wall that said "thou shalt not whine" and one of the cops commented "...that sign needs a handle on it."

 

As far as what to do I'd take him to the doctor regardless of what anyone said because something isn't right.

 

here you go:

 

Edited March 28, 2013 by hppr

[turnera]

Talk to the school counselor, schedule the appointment anyway - they're not going to check some mother coming in with her child. And schedule therapy for yourself; you'll get help in dealing with him as well as yourself.