Family stress ruins love and relatinships ?

[bluegreen]

I been finding out that all the ugly issues I have in my family are creating havoc within my and s/o relationship not over some huge problems with me and him but some small stupid petty stuff.

 

We actually love each other madly but my stress at home resentment and anger I feel makes me sometimes take it on him and altough I would never on purpose do that result is same still.

 

Has any of you experienced this when life just plain sucks school is hard job is lousy or you don't have one family issues are horrible how can one not be stressed and go kind of nuts ?

 

I just feel stuck in one place or running around in circles and more I fight to change it somehow harder it gets its like someone is holding me back like am a mouse and cat has its paw on my tail does that makes sense ?

 

Talking to a therapist would help I know and trying to relax and not let things get to me would help and avoiding negative people in my life as well.

 

I actually have been doing third and trying to do second first is still out of my reach but it will happen because I know I cant do this on my own no way and I addmit and accept that.

 

Just wish I could know for sure how much of this is my fault like hot temper and low self control and how much of this is all that has happened and been happening in my life ...

 

 

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi:)

 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I think I can understand. Years ago, when I was starting my relationship with my ex gf, all three members of my family were suffering from depression (or similar conditions) and I was swamped with my job, university and extracurricular CV-pimping ().

 

Looking back, I think all that had taken a great toll on my relationship, much bigger than I thought at the time. A big reason for that was that at the time I wasn't aware of the extent of my family-related issues and the toxic behavioural patterns and shame I picked up with my family and brought into the relationship with my SO.

 

With time, I think I got better at separating the two and limiting the effect of my family on my relationship.

 

What helped me the most was definitely counselling. At the time I paid in order to avoid the waiting period, but it was (looking back) a real blessing. It started as couple's therapy, but eventually I started going there by myself. So I strongly recommend that.

 

 

I also wish I talked more to my friends about this. At the time I was ashamed and worried that if I'd open up to my friends that they'd leave me, so I kept it to myself.

 

 

Also, after I had broken up with my ex, two books really helped me with dealing with everything (and still help...) - Toxic parents by Susan Forward (available to read online) and Families and how to survive them (Skynner).

 

 

Furthermore, I started writing down everything that hurt me, worried me etc. Every day I wrote stuff down, from present and past, and then I'd burn the pieces of paper. And to write down things that I want to say/do to other people. It really helps me to work on this, to get it out of my system (at least a little bit).

 

Also relaxation techniques (autogenic training, meditation...)...

 

And now I try to be more careful before I react to other people's actions. I always take some time (minutes, hours, days, depending on the situation) to think how I want to react and remind to not act in a way just because I learnt that from my family...

 

And it was really important in my relationship - communication -> that both me and she understood that sometimes we both acted out in our relationship because of our families' pasts. It made things a bit better that we knew we were both dealing with stuff...

 

As for how best to make sure to minimize the effect on your relationship, I think it'd be best for others to reply who have successfully worked through this:)

 

But I'd be happy to write more if you want, but I'll stop now because the post is getting long. It's great to hear that you're working so hard on this and that you're aware of the problems - that's crucial to dealing with the problems and many people (like me in the past) are not aware of them...

 

Best regards and good luck!

[bluegreen]

No pls don't worry about it write forver If you wish to

I guess some counseling or starting a the kind of writing you said its needed to be done by me ASP.

 

And yes my hurts and ugly things are affecting how I behave in my relationship my happy is down am more critical get upset easier and cry at a drop of the hat am I depressed I actually could be.

 

So I think I will start "writting things down" like remind myself to do that force myself if I need to as for how to let go and shrug off things like duck does water off its self not sure how to do that.

 

Am also awfull at thinking before I say stuff AND I ALWAYS forget to count until the 10 but am not intentionaly doing that : (((( one thing that gives me hope is that am addmiting this and I know this.

 

 

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey Bluegreen, how is it going? I've been thinking about you and how you were doing!

 

Have you been feeling better? I wanted to add to my advice about writing things down that I also write down (and burn afterwards) all my current fears. What I fear of now/for the future.

 

Also, I try to write down (and not burn:)) all the reasons I'm happy with my life, myself, ... All the goals I have. I try to write down what I know about me, what I like about myself, and what I like in life. It's really reassuring for me.

 

Furthermore, I try to "talk to myself" about my problems and kind of have a dialogue and to present myself with all the reasons why my problems are manageable or not even problems, but challenges and opportunities to get better.

 

In my family, everyone was quite pessimistic and this type of thinking has been something that has sadly rubbed off on me, so now I'm actively trying to change that and try to think positively.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you!

[pink_sugar]

I understand what you mean wholeheartedly. My family and friends often think my husband is anti-social because he doesn't talk much or they like to criticize him because of his unsteady work history. This makes me depressed because I am close with my family and their thoughts and attitude towards someone I love makes me evaluate the situation more. It confirms my irritation and resentment I have building...because of the things are true and already bother me, so reminding me makes it worse. At the same time, there are many things I love about my husband and I feel like I want to make it work, but every time there is an irritation or issue it reminds me of my unhappiness.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi Pink_sugar!

 

I would perhaps suggest that you ask your family members to cut down on their criticizing him (at least when you're around). I understand that perhaps they're only looking out for you, but there is a balance to be found between criticizing too much and not bringing sth up enough.

 

I agreed with my family members (who were expressing their concern, ..., about sth a lot) that they will refrain from commenting about sth for a month, just to give me time to deal with it in peace and see what improvements have been made. And after that, we'll talk about it again...

[lovelyde]

Hi bluegreen,

 

 

Find a man you truly love and get pregnant by him right away.

 

 

Your boyfriend and you aren't made for each other as you're clearly don't want his baby. Actually the thought of having his baby is not pleasant, right?

 

 

Go for a man who you know you would love impregnating you the first time you touch. You'll always feel that way about him and he'll always feel the same way about you.

 

 

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