pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) So although I told my brother the date of my graduation way before his friends planned his bachelor party, he won't make the effort to fix the issue. Apparently he thought my graduation was on some other date and his friends planned his bachelor party the day of my graduation and day after. Mostly they are doing wine tasting and other beer festivities...nothing that couldn't be re-arranged. So he just wants to come and rush off right after I walk. It's not the same as seeing your family outside after your graduation is over for hugs and photos and then lunch. The graduation is only until noon...he has the rest of the day to go off with his friends for the festivities, but he just won't make the effort. I'm pissed and my family is pissed that he is being this selfish. I asked him how he'd feel if I skipped out on his wedding, which is the following weekend. He didn't say much. I made the effort 2 years ago to travel to sit through his graduation for 3 hours, yet he cannot do the same. Edited March 15, 2013 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Well, to be fair, he didn't suggest skipping out on your graduation. He said he would be there to see you walk. I feel like you're kind of ignoring that part. So, he is planning to be at your graduation. He's just declining to have photos and lunch with you afterward, because he's got his own Big Life Moment (similar to a graduation) to attend. I think you're being a little "But it's MY day!!" about it. And it is a big day for you. Congrats! But it's also a big day for your brother. Try to work with him and be a little more understanding? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Honestly, I cannot wrap my mind around an attitude like this from a grown woman. When I graduated - I didn't even care whether I walked at all, much less who came to view me and have photos taken with me. I was happy I graduated. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I disagree. My brother-in-law can be a rather selfish person and I am not too surprised by this. You only see a college graduation once (unless they go back to school) and wine tasting and can do wine tasting at any time. Besides, our school isn't that big and the ceremony will not be very long. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 ^^^^ But she says he IS coming to the graduation! Just not staying for photo hour. His marriage is as important as her graduation … 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Yeah, but the point that is missing is that when I gave my brother the date, the bachelor party was not yet planned. He also told me "Ok, I will take the time off for it" and then later "Oopsie, I forgot your graduation was on this date and made other plans, and I cannot miss the WINE TASTING!" There isn't really anything formal about the bachelor party, just doing some wine and beer tasting...in other words, nothing that couldn't wait until after 12pm. It was only planned about a week ago... while he knew over a month ago about my graduation date and promised to be there. Yeah, my graduation is important to me, because it's been a long, tough road and there were many times I didn't think I'd make it. It's a huge day for me. I don't think he'd appreciate it if he told me his wedding date and I made other plans after promising that I'd go and then say "Oh, I forgot your wedding was that day, Oops!" It's just really inconsiderate. Edited March 15, 2013 by pink_sugar 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Yeah, but the point that is missing is that when I gave my brother the date, the bachelor party was not yet planned. Grooms don't typically plan their own bachelor parties. You know that, right? His best man or whoever said, "Is this date okay?" And your brother said, "Yeah, sounds good" without consulting his day planner first. A mistake. Would have been a lot better if he had been more careful. Unfortunately, what's done is done. Do you really expect him to tell all his friends, "Sorry guys, I can't make it to my own bachelor party because my sister is graduating and she wants me to have lunch with her and take photos. Can we reschedule?" That would be kind of nuts. OP, if the most important part of your graduation is having friends and family honoring you, what about having a celebratory dinner the night before where your brother and everyone else can attend and take lots of pics and give you flowers and ****. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 Do you really expect him to tell all his friends, "Sorry guys, I can't make it to my own bachelor party because my sister is graduating and she wants me to have lunch with her and take photos. Can we reschedule?" That would be kind of nuts. No, not at all. Since the plans are still "wet" he could ask if they could begin the festivities a little later that morning (I doubt a bachelor party will start at 9am anyways). I'm pretty sure his friends would say sure, no problem. He just doesn't want to ask. He's pulled this crap before. He also stormed off from my wedding early as well, because he had an issue with our marriage and wanted to be a d**k about it. OP, if the most important part of your graduation is having friends and family honoring you, what about having a celebratory dinner the night before where your brother and everyone else can attend and take lots of pics and give you flowers and ****. That may be possible, although it depends on what time we get to that area as it's an 8 hour drive. Coincidentally, my brother's friends and party is in the same area as the graduation because his friends live there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 You're coming off as immature and petty. From your prior posts, there is plenty of bad blood between you and your brother. You hate his fiancee, her entire family and the fact that he's getting married, and at the same time are resentful for not being asked to be in the bridal party. He's coming to watch you walk. With your negative feelings towards him and what is evidently important to HIM, this is probably a lot. Enjoy your photos and lunch with the rest of your family. Maybe work on you fault finding propensity where your brother is concerned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Her own family mutually agrees with ours in that they shouldn't get married. She has pulled the manipulation card to get my brother to agree to marry her. Neither of them are that thrilled about the marriage, so having this big lavish wedding looks like a joke. It has nothing to do with him or her personally. I never said I hated anyone. Do I not trust her? Sure. She has given all of us reasons not to. Do I hate her guts? No. My brother is a selfish person. He borrows and takes from people because he has this sense of entitlement, yet no one gets anything in return. If you read some old postings...when he used to live around here, he wanted us to drive him around like a personal taxi service and not chip in a dime for gas. Or when people visit him, my mom for example. She asked if she could have a sandwich he said "It's not my job to feed you!" Yet, the funny thing is, when he visits the rest of us, he scours through our fridges without a second thought. Not to mention him asking us to help him move several times within the last 3-4 years. He practically demanded that we take time off of work to drive up 12 hours to another state to help him move back and haul his ****...and the one time years before, we asked him to help us move locally, he flaked. So why would we be inclined to help him move? You flake weddings, graduations and don't do a damned thing for anyone, but you want them there when "you" need something? No, thank you. Edited March 15, 2013 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 If you feel this strongly about your brother, why are you so bent out of shape about him attending your graduation? Sounds like you would be happier without him there... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 If you feel this strongly about your brother, why are you so bent out of shape about him attending your graduation? Sounds like you would be happier without him there... Yeah, that's what I don't get. How much negative crap can you say about someone while still bemoaning the fact that they are not doing what you want them to do? You think your brother is a jerk, and he made plans that conflict with the after-party for your graduation though he WILL attend the ceremony. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 If you feel this strongly about your brother, why are you so bent out of shape about him attending your graduation? Sounds like you would be happier without him there... Yeah, I've been thinking about that myself. *shrugs* His loss. If he's going to be that way, I would rather he not attend. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) oops, never mind. Long as you see it as his loss. Edited March 15, 2013 by Eddie Edirol Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 Yeah seriously, you already know your brother is selfish, he has a history of it, he IS going to be there, you should be surprised that he gave you that much. You cant make other people do what you want them to do, unless youre a delusional brat really. Everyone else in your family will be there, how is that not good enough? Does your ego need to know you can control him to be there? Does your ego need the challenge? Are you trying to win over a guy that isnt that into you? You do the same thing you would do with men youre dating. You dont nag him, you move on, and enjoy the pics with the rest of your family, and appreciate THEM. If he wants to miss it, which it looks like he does, its his loss, not yours. Or you could pull the reverse psychology card, and tell him he doesnt have to go. Actually, you really shouldnt want him to go. Yeah. The only thing I regret at this point is traveling and wasting 3 hours of my life at his graduation. Honestly, with minimal effort...I think minimal effort should be returned. Should I not go to his wedding, should I leave early like he did mine? I think I will tell him if he cannot make it to the entire thing, he doesn't need to attend. Only my mom, dad and step-dad will be there because the graduation is a distance away, but that is fine with me. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Attend the wedding. It is free food. But don't get invested in it and leave when it feels comfortable to you - not to accommodate anyone else or to "make a statement." Don't play the petulant, little girl card that screams, "well, just don't bother coming to my graduation" just to make a point or throw it back in his face. That is simply juvenile. Let him know you would like him there if he can make it and leave it at that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Let your brother do his thing. He is willing to show up and watch you graduate. Enjoy the rest with your family while he goes to his bachelor party. Seems you're putting a guilt trip on him and also using the 'family obligation' card out there too. Are you two close? And I mean, spend time together, go for dinner, socialize and hang out together? Involved in each others daily lives, not only as bro/sis but as friends? If not, then it IS family obligation and he's doing his part by showing up to watch you but has other plans later so he won't attend pictures and the luncheon. Let it go and just enjoy the people who are there for the full festivities. If you can't let this go, it takes away from YOUR day and that gives him power over you to ruin your special day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 We used to be pretty close, yes. Unfortunately, especially lately, he has withdrawn himself from the family completely unless he wants money or needs something. He's changed a lot since being with his fiance. They each hate each others families and I think she is resentful because he cannot stand her family and thus does the same with him, so they each stay away from their families. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I did ask him about having dinner the night before as one of you suggested...he finds every excuse in the book to be difficult and inflexible. Apparently it's not a one day bachelor party, but just hanging out with friends over several days...so no festivities with family will work. He recently asked my dad for money and my dad declined since he refuses to attend any festivities with the family. He likes to have his cake and eat it too. I'd like to have my grad party at home the weekend after when we return, (since graduation is in another state) but his wedding is that weekend. It is tempting just to go along and make my own plans without considering him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Msrxchef Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I did ask him about having dinner the night before as one of you suggested...he finds every excuse in the book to be difficult and inflexible. Apparently it's not a one day bachelor party, but just hanging out with friends over several days...so no festivities with family will work. He recently asked my dad for money and my dad declined since he refuses to attend any festivities with the family. He likes to have his cake and eat it too. I'd like to have my grad party at home the weekend after when we return, (since graduation is in another state) but his wedding is that weekend. It is tempting just to go along and make my own plans without considering him. Sounds like a bigger problem between you guys than just him attending your graduation and you attending his wedding. I think that it was really great for you to attend his graduation (and i know how long they can take my class was over 800 kids). Now you have evidence to say: "see I did all this for you at one point in my life but you didn't return it." I'd say its up to you how much you think you can take it. I personally would go ahead make plans and go to his wedding, then after you attend his wedding have the graduation party. If there is a chance he can attend it that's good, if not, tell him you're proud of his marriage/wedding but remind him how you sacrificed to push back your party for his wedding. If he still makes excuses, then leave him alone and let him be. Maybe he'll come around maybe not, in the meantime focus on your life. Forgive but don't forget! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Your dad wouldn't give him money because he refused to attend "festivities" with the family??? Jeez. That is so manipulative, I am getting the picture that you and your whole family are operating with a dynamic based on passive-aggressive, manipulative guilt tripping. I'm not saying your dad should have given him money, but "festivities" is a pretty insane reason for not. Something more along the lines of "why give money to an adult man" or "I don't want to give him any money" would be more appropriate, IMO. Anyway, you think your brother is scum, I'm sure he knows that, and I think it's nice of him to go to your graduation with that knowledge. Even though I can't imagine why you want him to partake in your "festivities" when you have such a lot of disdain and disrespect for him. And regarding his wedding? If you don't want to go, don't go (though I'm confused about why you have a whole thread devoted to your outrage about not being in his wedding party). But please consider dropping all this "payback" stuff. It is very immature and negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Your dad wouldn't give him money because he refused to attend "festivities" with the family??? Jeez. That is so manipulative, I am getting the picture that you and your whole family are operating with a dynamic based on passive-aggressive, manipulative guilt tripping. I'm not saying your dad should have given him money, but "festivities" is a pretty insane reason for not. Something more along the lines of "why give money to an adult man" or "I don't want to give him any money" would be more appropriate, IMO. I think that is only part of it. My dad is tired of my brother only calling him when he needs money. He also wasn't happy when he found out my brother traveled out of state the week before just to attend a beer release...when he is already going to that state in June. I think my dad's thoughts were that he shouldn't be traveling when he needs money for moving...my brother also lost out on a job because of that trip. The festivities were only a small part of the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Okay, so you've said a lot of negative things about your brother in this thread. You're painting him as some sort of moron who is easily influenced by his bitch fiancee and that nobody in your family did anything at all to deserve his treatment. I don't really believe that, but I think you honestly do believe that, so let's go with that for a minute. When someone close to you (specifically family) starts behaving stupidly, doing dumb things, and hurting people, it's time to distance yourself. You kind of have to numb yourself to the hurtful things they do and go, "Alright, I can't keep getting angry at this ****. It's too exhausting. He's going to do his own thing and I can't stop it. I hope someday our relationship gets better." And that's it. Then you just maintain the kind of relationship that you can handle. If that means not going to his wedding, fine. But honestly, that would probably cause a ****storm in your family and make things worse, so you should probably go to it, but afterward if you only ever see him at family gatherings? Eh. Would that be so bad? You can't force a close relationship. It just seems like kind of a waste of energy to be so outraged that an unreliable person is being unreliable. And it doesn't help if your close family members talk to each other about his dumb behavior and like, high-five each other and share their own stories about how your brother is an ass. Try not to participate in that stuff. It really helps no one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Okay, so you've said a lot of negative things about your brother in this thread. You're painting him as some sort of moron who is easily influenced by his bitch fiancee and that nobody in your family did anything at all to deserve his treatment. I don't really believe that, but I think you honestly do believe that, so let's go with that for a minute. When someone close to you (specifically family) starts behaving stupidly, doing dumb things, and hurting people, it's time to distance yourself. You kind of have to numb yourself to the hurtful things they do and go, "Alright, I can't keep getting angry at this ****. It's too exhausting. He's going to do his own thing and I can't stop it. I hope someday our relationship gets better." And that's it. Then you just maintain the kind of relationship that you can handle. If that means not going to his wedding, fine. But honestly, that would probably cause a ****storm in your family and make things worse, so you should probably go to it, but afterward if you only ever see him at family gatherings? Eh. Would that be so bad? You can't force a close relationship. Never stopped him from throwing a huge fit about our wedding and leaving early. However, I'll attend to be with family and enjoy food and cake. Anyways, yeah he really does treat everyone in the family like that. He calls her a b**** and his fiance calls him a douche bag in front of all of us....they hide nothing. So yeah, we're going with what we see and to have some sort of lavish wedding when you constantly fight like that in front of your relatives makes your wedding look like a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Live your life and let him live his. Whatever funky dynamic he has going on with his soon to be wife, etc., is HIS issue. Unfortunately his behaviour has changed and he isn't the same guy he used to be. You and your dad (family) can fight it or just let it go. Fighting with him will make it worse, ignoring and everybody going on with their lives is healthier and less dramatic. Your dad needs to let go and let his son do as he pleases and when he begs for money, it's time to say no. Your brother is a grown man acting like a man child! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts