Mother Gone Mad

[mustangsally]

I suffered a miscarriage about 7 months ago of an 8 week fetus with an ex-boyfriend. A lot has been going on in my life that has made me alternately fine with it and very upset. This ex has been in and out of my life and knows about the miscarriage, but has also been manipulative and has had another partner for the past several months (he was with her when I had the miscarriage, which made the entire thing sting even more). He didn't know I had miscarried until several months after the fact.

 

I've seen my ex recently and he was being his usual sh***y self, so after seeing him be so ridiculous and back and forth with me, I made a decision not to ever see him again because it's too painful and he needs to be cut out of my life.

 

I called my mom to talk to her in tears and told her I was frustrated with the situation. I received this email in reply:

 

"I was under the impression that your latest upset had to do with [MCbabysfather] s crazy

remarks about how you were more interested in him, etc. I do

understand that you feel he is not as upset about your miscarriage as

you are, but why should he be, in reality? Had he known at the time

that you were pregnant, he probably would have wanted you to get an

abortion. Men, especially boyfriends who have made no life commitment

to someone, look at a pregnancy differently. They are not the ones

carrying the child or having to make gut wrenching decisions about

what to do, how the child will be cared for, etc., etc. I think you

are giving [namewithheld] more credit than he deserves! You are saying he has the ability to show genuine empathy, he wouldn't hurt a woman, he is

truthful and caring. If he had those qualities, you wouldn't dislike

him as much as you do. What you need to do is truly accept the fact

that he is not worth all the upset and having the potential to change

your life course."

 

She then proceeded to tell me that I was blowing it up out of proportion, that I should see it as a blessing, that I'm too young (I'm 28!) to understand the reality of having a baby, that I'm not ready for a baby, that knowing the father is a nutjob should make me feel elated and not upset, that my being scared should have overridden feeling joy at having a baby and that I seemed to gravitate toward being reconciled with the baby pretty freaking quickly and that due to the circumstances, it's not natural. She also told me that because I'm pursuing a PhD and don't have a job at the moment, that I would have to be living on state benefits had I had the child (which makes no sense since I have two MA degrees and am doing my PhD because I DON'T have a baby). She then said the child might have had downs, and what would I do then? The nail in the coffin was when she asked me to describe the miscarriage because she doesn't believe it was real since I never got blood tests and was waiting a little longer to go into the doctor and got a confirmation that I was pregnant from the MC, even though I KNEW I was because you do just know (and I had all the symptoms by the 2nd month + missed period, etc., everything but having been to the doc to confirm because although I was happy, I was scared sh&&less).

 

The father of the child knows about it, and although he has attempted to show sympathy, I think he has serious issues that would prevent him from being a real father. He told me he would have married me had I told him I was pregnant at the time (which would have likely been a bad idea), which may or may not be true, but I can't imagine him telling me to have an abortion. And even if he did, it would have still been my choice. She told me I'm just like all those "young girls" she used to work with as a social worker who just wanted to have a baby to feel as though they were loved. That makes no sense because I've had a partner since and he and I used protection (as I did with my previous partner, but he was careless) as I do NOT want to have that happen again until I'm ready with the right partner.

 

I told my mom her comments were not helpful and I was told that being supportive and helpful doesn't necessarily mean she needs to agree with me and she's trying to get me to see another side of the situation. I told her she's talking me out of feeling my grief and she says that's not the case, but that it is unnatural to still be upset.

 

I'm at a loss. I've emailed two counsellors near me who specialize in grief counseling/miscarriages and hopefully I'll get in touch tomorrow. My mom does want to pay for my therapy, since I'm evidently crazy.

Edited March 15, 2013 by mustangsally

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Sounds like your looking for someone to be mad at and mom's an easy target. You even turned her offer to pay for your therapy into a heinous act of hers.

Edited March 15, 2013 by WhatYouWantToHear

[Keenly]

I hate to say it but your mother sounds pretty wise and in the right, its just not what you want to hear.

[mustangsally]

I am appreciative that she'd pay for therapy, but you guys really think saying all of those things is helpful to me right now? I'm already feeling guilty over still mourning, so how is telling me I should feel guilty better?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

you guys really think saying all of those things is helpful to me right now?

 

How very self-centered of you. Do you really believe your mother's intent was to hurt you? I don't. I believe she said those things with the intent of being helpful. It obviously didn't work, but her intent was good. And her actions weren't horrible. The world's not against you.

[Janesays]

I hate to say it, but your Mother is right. Your hormones are probably waaayyyy out of wack which is probably coloring your reactions a bit. Counseling is not a bad idea, and not because you're "crazy," but because you just went through some serious crap and you're obviously having a hard time processing it in a healthy manner.

 

Good luck to you.

[passingbreeze]

I know you don't want to hear this right now, but your mother is right. That was a very thoughtful and honest email that she sent you. Please read it again, and you will see that she has your best interests at heart. She loves you, and wants you to be happy. She knows that you will never, or could never, be happy with your ex. Let him go and get on with your life. You mom sounds like a good mother. Don't be so hard on her.

[mustangsally]

I know you don't want to hear this right now, but your mother is right. That was a very thoughtful and honest email that she sent you. Please read it again, and you will see that she has your best interests at heart. She loves you, and wants you to be happy. She knows that you will never, or could never, be happy with your ex. Let him go and get on with your life. You mom sounds like a good mother. Don't be so hard on her.

 

Moving on with my life is what I'm TRYING TO DO and having trouble with and feeling so guilty about not being able to do so. Yeah, I could never be happy with him, but infantilizing me for grieving is very hard. She does it quite a lot....saying at 28 I am too dumb to get a job, that I would be on benefits and that I only wanted a kid for unconditional love like the 16-year-olds she knows? How is that helpful?!