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Elderly mother is abusive


BklynGuy

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My elderly mother is extremely verbally abusive. She's going to retire in a few months. I've had a hard time during the recession & she's been very verbal about it. Before the recession I worked full time for years & helped the family. I need her assistance now but the pressure at home is overwhelming.

 

I don't want to go on public assistance, I don't know what to do next. There are no job prospects coming in the near future. If she has 1 day off, there's always an argument. Now she's gonna be home full time. I have no job, savings, resources, nothing! I hide in my room & recently changed the locks so she can't enter & remove my belongings as she's been doing.

 

She'll throw away my sneakers for no reason, she confiscated a Christmas gift not too long ago, believe she took my cellphone, & other things like that. I live with other family (niece) and she stole $$$ for a good 8 months which I was blamed for by the entire family.

 

They eventually figured it was my niece & we staged an intervention. If I'm here with her when she retires I don't know what will happen. We've had some pretty bad fights....usually when alcohol is involved. One friend told me to move into a shelter just to be away from the house. What would you do? Advice

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I don't see a shelter as a long term plan, you will have to tolerate your mother let her abuse roll right off your back, a shelter might be ok if you have an idea what to do next when you can, imho

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Dragonfruit

Excuse me? There are no job prospects in the near future? Listen, McDonald's is always hiring. Get a job. Two jobs, if they are low paying. Then find a room to rent in someone's house. If I had a grown son sitting around my house all day and I was old and had to hobble off to work to support his azz, when I got home I'd slap the crap out of him. Good luck!

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Excuse me? There are no job prospects in the near future? Listen, McDonald's is always hiring. Get a job. Two jobs, if they are low paying. Then find a room to rent in someone's house. If I had a grown son sitting around my house all day and I was old and had to hobble off to work to support his azz, when I got home I'd slap the crap out of him. Good luck!

 

Dragonfruit don't say that to him pls

The truth is this may be someone you think is "bad" guy or lousy son or could be someone between a rock and hard place.

I AM HIM AS WELL being a parent does not excuse this kind of behavior and I went and still am fighting same thing and am a not drug addict, don't run around, and I don't drink either do you think any of that means something to a parent like that ?

They should not even be called that !!!

And you know what not even MC d- s are hiring much anymore why would they when they get hundreds aps a day and can choose just like anyone else master degree grads and people with ages and ages of exp are driving for pizza hut and such.

 

Am not saying this person is perfect or even perhaps right but give him a benefit of the doubt anyone deserves that much and what you told him I had thrown in my face so many times over but the truth is you

"don't know him" and neither do I.

 

He trusted this forum to put it out as we all did lets not stoop so low like anyone else in his life ok ?

ps: And am not sitting on couch all day either I struggle and try my best to get done with college perhaps he would to if he had chance ...

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Dragonfruit

Nope, sorry but I read his post carefully and that is the response I have for him. You are certainly free to respond to the OP with whatever advice seems appropriate to you. That is what he asked for.

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Then am sorry to but level of respect I had for you dropped.

But am sure you don't care about that either so I guess in your opinion am at same place he is.

Just one last thing not every one has guts and backbone to tolerate abuse

hope this person does not "do" something that it might hurt him or anyone else.

Wonder would you then change your opinion and would your heart hurt over what you told him so cruely ...

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Dragonfruit

My post was not to you and I am not required to give him a response that is to your liking. Please respond to the OP. He asked for advice, I did not.

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amaysngrace
Excuse me? There are no job prospects in the near future? Listen, McDonald's is always hiring. Get a job. Two jobs, if they are low paying. Then find a room to rent in someone's house. If I had a grown son sitting around my house all day and I was old and had to hobble off to work to support his azz, when I got home I'd slap the crap out of him. Good luck!

 

Yeah I'd be pretty harsh on him too. If someone's half my age and mooching off of me while I break my back trying to support them, I wouldn't be too pleasant either.

 

OP should leave and let her enjoy her retirement.

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WHOA! I live with family. I don't sit around the house doing nothing! I help with kids, help my elderly mother when I can. She forgets things, doesn't turn off the stove etc. She needs help now because of her age. She doesn't work to support me at all.

 

She works because there are bills to pay. I have a grown sister in the downstairs apartment who lives rent free although she is an M.D. I am trying to get into a CDL program so I have enough $$ to move and live freely. McDonalds & 2 jobs in this economy aren't paying the bills in NYC. Trust me.

 

Dragonfruit - I understand your argument but you need to know more before you start criticizing ppl so harshly seriously.

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amaysngrace
WHOA! I live with family. I don't sit around the house doing nothing! I help with kids, help my elderly mother when I can. She forgets things, doesn't turn off the stove etc. She needs help now because of her age. She doesn't work to support me at all.

 

She works because there are bills to pay. I have a grown sister in the downstairs apartment who lives rent free although she is an M.D. I am trying to get into a CDL program so I have enough $$ to move and live freely. McDonalds & 2 jobs in this economy aren't paying the bills in NYC. Trust me.

 

Dragonfruit - I understand your argument but you need to know more before you start criticizing ppl so harshly seriously.

 

You say you hide in your room. How is that helping out? And you changed the locks in her home?

 

Yeah I think she's been more than patient. Everyone has a breaking point and by you playing victim has you missing the other side of it...hers.

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Dragonfruit

I apologize then, BKLYN Guy. But you know I was responding to what you presented. When you add those other things then that is a different picture.

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She works with drug addicts who are extremely abusive. Recovering from herion addiction etc. She then takes out her frustrations at home & on me since I live with her. I changed the locks because since the thefts by my niece, she seems to blame me. I must be punished so she takes my things in retaliation.

 

Some parents are hard to live with. We're not from America originally so culture comes into play. She grew up in a 3rd world country so her version of punishments has never been easy to deal with. I hide to avoid fighting and arguments. I am the one in this family who has been tasked with taking care of mom, because my sisters bailed out on this wonderful opportunity.

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I don't think anyone deserves that treatment.

 

Few years ago I was.unemployed for.a. year. I was trained for a highly skilled profession which is hard.to.get jobs in. low skill jobs wouldn't hire as they.knew I would leave.

 

My mother never let me forget it. she would get at me and throw her bank statements in my face and say get a job NOW. Nevermind that she.hardly worked her whole life and lived off welfare. She got my sister to join in abusing me.

 

I got a job and never looked back. my mum likes me.at home as she's also elderly. I gave her a third of my salary every month from when started working and still do. so now I nice her £600 or $895 a month I pay for.groceries and provide constant companionship. buy she still abuses me and never lets me forget it. she's so horrible.

 

The op's mother has no right taking his belongings away and abusing him. he will get a job and make it ip I'm sure.

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My home life is crap! I am alienated by the family in general. They only like me when I'm helping them with their kids, picking them up from the airport or things like that. I don't mind helping my mum at all. She's just abusive, elderly & angry. She had a bitter divorce from my dad & they say I look like him, walk like him, smell like him, etc.

 

She used to earn high wages so never asked me for $$, just to help with family & the kids due to their absentee fathers. I sacrificed when I was a young man at a time when most men don't! I need to find a source of employment that will last & I can live @ least. I've been taking civil service exams etc. Like I said, she's totally changed her attitude since I've been unemployed.

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Dragonfruit

If she forgets to turn off stove burners and such, do you think she might have Alzheimers?

 

I look at an online forum support group for caregivers re my IOP (Impossible Old Person) and they seem to go by illness, or the ones I've seen anyway.

 

Also, I wonder if she would qualify for a home health aid at all? That too, I don't know much about. But it might at least give you a break.

 

Just thinking there might be some help for you out there, other people who are in the same boat and know some tricks and also what, if any, assistance you can get.

 

I'm sorry, but her stealing your sneakers as a punishment did crack me up. Sense of humor is extremely important to hold on to when you have an IOP!

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She doesn't need an HHA yet. Her mother basically died at the hands of an HHA an incompetent hospital staff so we don't trust that. Alzheimers runs in the family. She's a good person just getting older & she MOTHERS me, like hovers over my shoulder like a helicopter. She doesn't want to be alone which I understand. It's not I want to leave her, (I have no wife or kids, or gf) it's just hard to deal with and gonna get worse when she retires.

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Dragonfruit

I mostly just check on my IOP (Impossible Old Person) by phone (long distance) and that is hard enough. Some days he's really sweet but other days he will give me a perfectly placed verbal stab and I'll feel trashed all day. I know I should know better than to let him bother me but sometimes it does anyway. I could not imagine having to live with him. Well, I may have him here before it's all over but... omg. I'm sure you already know better than any advice from someone who hasn't been through it. But all I can think of is maybe online support group because they're the ones who would know things, and your own space, which you have with your room. And lots of breaks. As long as you have to be there, anyway. I feel like there is a deep satisfaction from doing right when it's hard though, and the ones who bail may not be getting by with as much as they think in the long run... Best wishes.

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She doesn't need an HHA yet. Her mother basically died at the hands of an HHA an incompetent hospital staff so we don't trust that. Alzheimers runs in the family. She's a good person just getting older & she MOTHERS me, like hovers over my shoulder like a helicopter. She doesn't want to be alone which I understand. It's not I want to leave her, (I have no wife or kids, or gf) it's just hard to deal with and gonna get worse when she retires.

 

I have a grandma like that ... i'm happy she is not in my care.

She is my only living grandparent and one of the 2 who were abusive.

She tries to stab me when she sees me; either that or stabs me verbally.

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