Family is pressuring me about meeting bf

[TH68]

My family has been really pushy lately about wanting to meet my new guy...but he doesn't want to meet them yet. On top of that, I don't think I'm even ready for him to meet them yet. The problem is, my family's pushiness is causing me to not want to spend time with them anymore.

 

To give you just a little background...my family is very closely knit. We get together nearly every weekend for dinner, even though all the kids are grown and out of the house. I got a divorce about a year ago, so I've lately been coming solo to family dinner night...which was fine, until I recently started dating a new guy. Now every time I visit, my family bugs me about when I'm going to bring him over so they can meet him.

 

Unfortunately, that's just not going to happen anytime soon...for a variety of reasons. For one thing, my guy and I happen to work together (that's how we met, and we were good friends at work before we started seeing each other romantically) and we're trying to keep our relationship discreet until our professional situation changes. On top of that, we're trying to take things slowly; he's a recent divorcee too, and we're both really hesitant about long-term commitment, marriage, etc. We are happy, but we are just sort of taking our relationship day by day, enjoying things the way they are...and we're trying to keep the pressure off of thinking about the future too much.

 

Also, my guy has a very different orientation to "family" than I do. To say that he is not close with his family in the same way that I am close with mine is a huge understatement. Things like getting together with one's family for weekly dinner are very foreign to him. We have talked about the possibility of him meeting my family, and he has said that sometime in the future, if our relationship were to become more committed, he would be open to it. But I realize that, because of his background and personality, I cannot expect him to become close with my family overnight.

 

I have always been honest with my family about my boyfriend when they ask, and have tried to explain to them why he isn't coming around (and won't be for quite a while) but they don't seem to understand - and are even becoming scornful about it. I'm starting to dread going over to my parents' because I worry that I'm just going to get more of the same questions and criticism. Likewise, I have tried telling my guy about how my family wants to meet him, but that is only off-putting for him because he feels pressured. They are developing bad impressions of one another over this - and I feel stuck in the middle.

 

I've heard it said that when you love someone, you want them to meet your friends and family - and if your significant other really loves you, he should also want to meet the people who are important to you. But I know that he and I both are not ready for him to meet my family right now. Does that mean it's not love? Isn't it okay to just not be "at that point" yet? After all, my feelings may change - and he has said that, if things do become more committed, he would be open to meeting my family then.

 

And the big question...how do I get my family to understand that I am happy now - and to just be patient?

 

Thanks...

[ceres12]

hi there,

 

I am not sure how long you have been dating your boyfriend but i am assuming it is a fresh relationship. The best way for them to understand is for you to have a serious talk with them. Tell them that your family means the world to you and that you wouldn't want to bring a guy around unless it is serious because it is out of respect to your family and you wouldnt want to disappoint. Tell them something like i wouldn't want you to love him and god forbid something happens and we break up and it just feels wrong afterward. Tell them That you want to take your time and they have to be patient until you are ready and feel comfortable for them to meet your bf that is something you dont want to be rushed into because you wouldnt want to bring just anybody.

 

Try to make it seem like it is about them regardless of what you truly feel. If you are not ready then it is not the right time yet, when you feel ready it will feel right and you wont have all these concerns.

 

best of luck!

[Radu]

Unfortunately only you can fix this issue OP.

 

I do in fact understand your bf OP, i'm from a close but rather introvert family.

Describing your family like that is like describing sci-fi stuff to me.

If he is also introvert like me [and has a bit of an anxiety meeting ppl], then it will also be incredibly stressfull.

To give you an ideea, i had a panic attack once over it.

 

Of the 2 sets of ppl here, your bf doesn't sound bad in his decision.

On the other hand your family sounds a tad unreasonable and incapable of seeing the other side.

You have tried to show them the other side, and it failed because groups of ppl do not generally respect someone who offer logic and excuses. In fact your attempts to placate them have pretty much been useless.

 

Sorry to say this but you will have to become assertive.

You will have to go to them and pretty much say 'family, from this moment on you will not discuss my boyfriend, he is from a different background and you will accept this; when he is ready to come here and meet you, he will come and that's that; if you continue this behaviour i will have to not come'.

Off-course like all bad doggies they will try to flaunt the rule, so be ready to enforce it.

 

The final stage of childhood [extended one too] is standing up to your parents and seeing them flawed.

That's what separates a child from an equal adult.

And when you marry this guy [or some other guy] they will need to understand that you and him are family first and foremost, weather they like it or not.

 

PS: This is why i don't like clan families, am i right to suspect that your family's perspective of things is 'blood is thicker than water' ?

In this kind of situations [been there, done that], they are nice to you but if the relationship is over be prepared to chewed and spit out many times over [been there, done that].