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A question for those of you that do not have children


Lobouspo

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Do you worry about who will take care of you as you grow older and inevitable health problems arise? My mom has been in the hospital recently, and it really has made me think about this. I am in my late thirties. I have never had a strong urge to have children, but always just figured if it is meant to be, its meant to be. Obviously having children just so they will be around to take care of you when you are older is selfish and the wrong reason, but I am curious as to people's thoughts on this.

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Am like you in both scenarios and I hope if I do end up having a child it I will NOT have to worry about this. Why ?

Well because I will be kind of mother that the tought of what will I do and who will be there for me wont have to enter my mind.

As for those like "mine" God help her for help she really needs and she is the kind of mother that has to worry about this issue but she is very good at playing a victim and some fool always falls for it ...

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My parents were very self-sufficient and they took care of themselves until the end. As did my grandparents.

 

I suppose - never having had children - I always knew I would be taking care of myself and not rely on anyone anyway.

 

In the late '80s, I had too many gay friends suffer and die from A.I.D.S. whose families washed their hands of them, so it is sad for me that I have grown accustomed to the idea that it is friends who help friends in time of need, and not necessarily family members. I just assumed it would be the same for me.

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I don't have kids, always wanted them but wasted too much time on the wrong woman and then spent years having to deal with the consequences of that. Do sometimes worry about old age and ill health. I don't think anyone really wants to face that alone.

 

I don't think expecting kids to help out during old age is selfish. It's part of being a family. Now my parents are knocking on I'm purposely staying close to see them through any bad times, be they economic or health. I see it as my duty.

 

I must admit, I golf with a lot of old girls and boys and all that never had kids (for whatever reason) do say it is one of life's regrets. Even many of those that did, wish they'd had more. In fact, many of them tell me that the younger generations are going to have a lot of old age regrets if they don't do the settle down, marry, have kids and stay married lark. That family unit is an investment into your future, or at least, it used to be.

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I don't have kids but I do have younger siblings and asking them for anything makes me feel wrong. It violates the role I play in their life. I don't think it would be any different with children. So I don't think it really matters if I had kids or not. I wouldn't accept their help either way.

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I've considered that, but I don't think I should have kids and spend my entire life miserable until I am old and sick and need them to take care of me. I think it would be incredibly selfish for me to have kids just so I can have someone to take care of me one day.

Edited by rainfall
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Not all adult kids end up taking care of their elderly parents.

 

I would never take care of my mother, but I would do anything for my dad.

 

I don't worry about who will take care of me when I am old. There are nursing homes for that.

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There are people in society paid to do that.... (Snap, Nyla....)

 

 

I intend to be a healthy, robust octogenarian. It's not a pie-in-the-sky fantasy either; I don't drink or smoke, my mother is 80 and still working, and my father died a few months short of his 90th birthday.

he had health problems all directly linked to the fact that up until his 50's, he used to be an extremely heavy smoker....

As I don't smoke, I don't envisage suffering quite the same fate.

 

So:

I intend to go on a good long winter trek up into the high hills, one cold wintry day.

Take a full bottle of sleeping pills, undress, and let the elements take their toll.

 

Hopefully, the wild animals will dispose of all soft tissue, long before anyone thinks of 'search and rescue.'

 

I will leave a note, but it's the closest thing I can come to, as a 'sky Burial'.

 

If you go to this Google Page, there are Images: But be aware: Some may leave you feeling somewhat disturbed. Please don't look if you're squeamish. In this matter, I am not.....

 

Don't say I didn't warn you.

But remember: The person is dead. They no longer count.

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Forever Learning
My parents were very self-sufficient and they took care of themselves until the end. As did my grandparents.

 

I suppose - never having had children - I always knew I would be taking care of myself and not rely on anyone anyway.

 

In the late '80s, I had too many gay friends suffer and die from A.I.D.S. whose families washed their hands of them, so it is sad for me that I have grown accustomed to the idea that it is friends who help friends in time of need, and not necessarily family members. I just assumed it would be the same for me.

 

I think you are right, there are alot of different options for help for seniors that occur naturally when one grows old, including friends, neighbors, relatives, loved ones, kids, nieces and nephews, church friends, etc. Along with being self sufficient in many cases, or the state stepping in via nursing home. In any event, health is wealth, that's for sure.

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And having kids does not even guarantee if they will take care of you or not....it's not a requirement.

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Do you worry about who will take care of you as you grow older and inevitable health problems arise?

 

 

Never. Not once has the thought ever crossed my mind that I should have kids because I'll need someone to take care of me in my older years. I'm 34 and childless. I do want children eventually but again, no, not for that reason.

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it's not about who takes care of you when you're old, but who comes and spends Christmas with you, who asks you to come to the birthday party of your grandchildren, about helping your daughter prepare her wedding day and criticizing the mother in law for her crazy hats at the during who knows what a family event...

 

people today can certainly be self sufficient... but I'm wondering about the quality of their lives, as old people. It's loneliness more than any disease that I dread...

 

ok, one can have friends, but yeah, another 80 years old when you're 80... fun fun fun !!!

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it's not about who takes care of you when you're old, but who comes and spends Christmas with you, who asks you to come to the birthday party of your grandchildren, about helping your daughter prepare her wedding day and criticizing the mother in law for her crazy hats at the during who knows what a family event...

 

people today can certainly be self sufficient... but I'm wondering about the quality of their lives, as old people. It's loneliness more than any disease that I dread...

 

ok, one can have friends, but yeah, another 80 years old when you're 80... fun fun fun !!!

 

Point made...however, here is another scenario:

 

What if your child is being bullied at school or has a learning disability/anxiety disorder or depression? Or you find out he/she has bi-polar manic depression after suicide attempt at 19 and has to be medicated the rest of their life? What if your daughter got pregnant at 18 and you're stuck helping raise the baby or is in an abusive relationship and calls you crying each day for years? Or loses custody of his/her children due to the inability to care for them and you're supporting them until they are 40? The scenarios I described above are my mom and my aunt and are very real for me. My grandmother became a mother at nearly 37 and 40 due to reproductive issues. However, she is definitely for people choosing to remain child free. She always tells me, you can have a healthy baby, but you never know what you're getting or what will happen to it. This is a woman who really wanted kids but would probably reconsider if she could. Of course there is good and bad, but since life isn't all roses, you have to consider if you're willing to deal with the bad. My grandmother is 85 and is taking care of herself.

Edited by pink_sugar
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Absewarrior

I never had kids and will never have them. I made a concious choice not to have them at a very young age. I never wanted them...ever...not once. If you do not want them, you should not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for not having them and vice versa. I have nieces and nephews with grandkids whom my siblings share with me and I am invited to all the good parties and celebratins and my lakehouse is the number one location for anything holiday driven...my house is full to the rafters with screaming kids and family. I have not missed a thing in my life and I am so often very glad that I did not have children. I traveled all over the world and did things that I would not have been able to do with children . Though everyone said I would regret it after my ability to have kids was over, I never have. I celebrate life with the ones I love and I am set up financially so that I never have to worry about anyone taking care of me. my spouse feels exactly the same way...we discussed this way before we even got married. I am not the type to get lonely...I love solitude and will probably love ti more the older I get.

I never had to take care of my parents or grandparents and I plan to be the same healthy and self-sufficient person. If I get sick or have an accident I do not want my nieces or grandnieces to take care of me....I will hire someone with the money I saved by not having children.

There are no guarantees that anyone will take care fo yuo even if you have a bunch of children. You have children because you desperately want them and you cannot imagine a life without them.

AW

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I have an excellent relationship with my nieces.

 

The eldest once said to me: "Auntie, I'm gonna take care of you when you need diapers. Don't worry." :laugh::love:

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I don't think that is a good enough reason to have them, too many people die in nursing homes who have adult children who leave them there to die. I haven't felt the urge yet so I just assume I may never want them but that it could also change. I am yet to think of a good reason to have them so until then..

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I have an excellent relationship with my nieces.

 

The eldest once said to me: "Auntie, I'm gonna take care of you when you need diapers. Don't worry." :laugh::love:

 

Ahhhhh, so cuuuute, she already is planning for your senility and incontenance.

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Oh Radu, you slay me! :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

I am going to take this opportunity to brag about my nieces and my best friends' children who are like my nieces.

 

The niece who wants to take care me is a nine year old sweetie. She is very intelligent, funny and loving. When I die, I will leave my engagement ring to her since she is the oldest. This kid gets ignored a lot because of her little sister so I try to pay special attention to her.

 

The four year old is an emotional diva with a cute face and a great mind. She makes me laugh and we have so much fun playing when I see this little angel. She runs to me when I get into the door even before I take my coat off. I love scooping her up and giving her kisses. My lil diva loves to dress up and pose for pictures; she's a complete girly girl. I love the enthusiasm that she approaches life with.

 

My redheaded princess is a two year old who speaks extremely well for her age. One thing I have learned from my nieces is that girls often develop intelligence at a much earlier rate than boys. All of nieces spoke early, walked early and understood instructions at an earlier age than most boys I have seen. My two year old niece is a little ham who loves to have books read to her. She is very strong willed and has no trouble asking for what she wants. I rarely see her because she lives so far away. I give gifts to compensate for not being there and admittedly to make myself feel less guilty about not being able to watch her grow up, the way I can with my other nieces. :(

 

One of my best friends has an 18 month old who was born at 25 weeks. This baby fighter defied odds at an early age. I was very involved in my best friend's pregnancy and I was the first person at the hospital when her daughter was born She is small for her age and though it has taken her longer to walk, this baby walked without the special shoes or physio that was recommended for her. She is a very independent and feisty spirit. She speaks in two word sentences and she looks like a tiny doll.

 

Another bestie has a seven year old who has a heart of gold. She is very bright and very kind, the type of kid that you can take anywhere. She can get a little bit too boisterous and do cartwheels around breakables, but that is hardly the worst thing a child can do. Sometimes I think my bestie is too hard on her, but I don't say anything because I know that it isn't my place to interfere. After all, I am not a mother and maybe I don't know any better because of that.

 

I'm often told that since I am good with my nieces, it means I will be an excellent mother. Being an aunt is nothing like being a mom; I can spoil the kids and not worry about disciplining them. I sweep in every so often to make my nieces happy and excited, but being a a mother is not all fun, games and taking kids to the zoo. I can be a friend who offers a safe haven when the girls need to vent things that they don't share with their parents. I love being around my nieces and I cherish the time that we have together, but I understand that I am not their parent.

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I don't have kids yet. I do want a gaggle of them someday however. But never thought about them helping me in my old age.

 

Currently I am raising my mother, two brothers, and our new puppy (that my immature mother decided to get without consulting anyone). My plate is ****ing FULL.

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Do you worry about who will take care of you as you grow older and inevitable health problems arise?

 

IME, having children is no guarantee of a volunteer workforce when one is aged and infirm. Quite the opposite, in some of the cases I've been personally involved in, where they start circling like vultures, regardless of their own advantages in life.

 

No, I don't worry, and I'm closer to that era than many posters here and know many old people who live alone without anyone, other than friends, to interact with. They do fine. Technology and access to medical care can largely supplant the volunteer workers. In my own case, for my retirement home, I'll make it ADA compliant, drawing upon my years of caregiving, as well as my industrial design background, to create an environment safer for an elderly/infirm person. IME, most people can continue to live independently, with help, until very late in their life process. There are a lot of 'helpers' out there and they can be engaged for relatively modest cost. BTDT. No worries. It works out, one way or another.

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Esoteric Elf
Do you worry about who will take care of you as you grow older and inevitable health problems arise? My mom has been in the hospital recently, and it really has made me think about this. I am in my late thirties. I have never had a strong urge to have children, but always just figured if it is meant to be, its meant to be. Obviously having children just so they will be around to take care of you when you are older is selfish and the wrong reason, but I am curious as to people's thoughts on this.

Unfortunately these days, many children throw their parents into nursing homes at the slightest sign of senility.

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Unfortunately these days, many children throw their parents into nursing homes at the slightest sign of senility.

 

Exactly. How many old folks in nursing homes NEVER get visitors because either a) their kids are "too busy" or b) their kids live across the country or c) their kids are just lazy and don't care enough.

 

I've never worried about not having kids to take care of me in old age.

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I don't think that is a good enough reason to have them, too many people die in nursing homes who have adult children who leave them there to die. I haven't felt the urge yet so I just assume I may never want them but that it could also change. I am yet to think of a good reason to have them so until then..

 

 

So True. My aunt is in a nursing home (she never married or had kids). There are so many old people who have children they never see. I talk to these people and they are so lonely for their children but they never come. It is very sad. I have a friend who has 10 siblings and when their mom became an invalid they put her in a home. It would seem 1 out of the 11 kids would have taken her in but no one did.

 

I guess by not having children we have saved more than enough for our old age.

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You can never be too sure about tomorrow, let alone your very old age when anyway you'll be to senile to care. So I don't even try to save for that time which I may never live to see or it will not bother me. Just having kids (and dogs too) is fun today and I enjoy it today, why not? I don't think I miss something in life this way. I work, travel, have fun, have friends, relatives and my children to communicate with. I don't know if they will be successful enough to care for me or maybe they will have many children themselves to care for and no spare recourses for me left. I have cared enough for myself to secure a decent pension, so with luck I can count on my own food, clothes and roof over my head. And if I become too senile to be safe (not to burn the apartment down, to feed myself and dogs, wash, etc) then a home is a sensible solution, far better having paid professionals change the diappers than forcing a busy family member do it. Especially if that family member is working, then the old person is left alone all workday + commuting time + any errands, etc... And its not just about diapers, old people need medical care too, if the said family member is not a medic, then what? No, thanks, a decent home for me, please!

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