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I want to severe ties with my mother!


Msrxchef

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Hi forum world

As I am writing this I can hear my mother in my brain about being a terrible daughter being unable to tolerate stress! She's in my head almost all the time and I thought I finally was able to fix it recently(I had one of my ovaries removed through surgery and thought she could pity me but nope. She gives no f@&ks about me!). yet tonight we got into another huge argument. Apparently I don't respect giving her time to talk (I let her talk for 15 minutes non stop) and I don't respecty ancestry yes I am Asian and I try too hard to be rebellious by being American (I was born & raised in Ohio) apparently all my class mates have something I don't have: a boyfriend, a job, a car, perfect grades, ivy leagues education, and so on.

When I was younger it was almost every week or every few days and now that I'm in college it's every month. Some people like spending time to go back home for the weekend or holidays but I...never. She tells me I'm too fat, too naive too lazy too immature nearly everyday. No. Literally everyday if I am home for the holidays (spring break right now). I push it out of my brain most of the time so I don't care that much but i think deep down i really do. I also don't think telling me I'm lazy or inefficient everyday of my life is good...

Oh to top it all off she compares me to other people! Other people are always better or have it better (smarter prettier richer more successful etc)

Including my own sister but don't worry we get along pretty dang well and we never fight (we are 5 yrs apart)

 

Don't get me wrong I love my mother and see the good in her often: she's a great cook keeps the house tidy and neat is a swift and thrift shopper has guts to get what she wants and tries to be a good mother or as great of a mother she can be. She just has trouble expressing her emotions all the time.

But can someone tell me if what she does is normal and I can probably sit this out or should I leave ASAP? I want to leave of course but I also know my life isn't horrible. I have never been physically or sexually abused. But I don't know sometimes if I am being rational but overly sensitive or if I really should gtfo

Need a third opinion: thanks

Edited by Msrxchef
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What a horrible dynamic. If you can afford to live on your own which includes the possibility of moving in with room mates, do so. No one can ever develop their sense of self while constantly being criticized. Screw her standards. Get out now!

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LoveRaymond
I love my mother and see the good in her often: she's a great cook keeps the house tidy and neat is a swift and thrift shopper has guts to get what she wants and tries to be a good mother or as great of a mother she can be.

 

Just for this bit I would recheck yourself and what you are saying. There are a LOT of people in this world who cannot truthfully write the four powerful lines you just have here.

 

It's your life, but take it from me - from what you've said (despite the bad) you have a precious and priceless mother.

 

Good luck whatever you decide :)

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Don't get me wrong I love my mother and see the good in her often: she's a great cook keeps the house tidy and neat is a swift and thrift shopper has guts to get what she wants and tries to be a good mother or as great of a mother she can be. She just has trouble expressing her emotions all the time.

But can someone tell me if what she does is normal and I can probably sit this out or should I leave ASAP? I want to leave of course but I also know my life isn't horrible. I have never been physically or sexually abused. But I don't know sometimes if I am being rational but overly sensitive or if I really should gtfo

Need a third opinion: thanks

 

From what i understand, some of the stuff you wrote is pretty normal in asian families.

The effect it has on you though, is not ... one can easily see this in what you wrote.

 

Psychological abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Child abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Some of the things you described are abusive :

- constant put down

- unfavorably comparing to others

- no emotion over the recent surgery [debatable, in the context of the above]

 

I certainly don't blame your reluctance to go home to that, the stress must be huge and it will probably affect your recovery after the sugery.

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VintageSweetPea

As I weigh the Pros and Cons, it sounds like the Cons are more offensive and win over the Pros. Your mother, the person who is to guide you and encourage you and make you feel loved and good about your self. Some mothers can do this and some don't know how to do this. As we grow older should we continue to accept negative feedback especially if we are very sensitive to the hurtful words? I don't think so. I think finding a peaceful place to live would be a good first move. Then, so you know you tried to understand and love you mother, I would try to talk to her and let her know how hurtful her words and actions against you are and how it makes you feel. If a talk of this kind does not work out at least you have your safe haven to retreat to. No one should allow themselves to be subject to verbal or any type of abuse. Be strong and you can love your mother but you don't have to like how she treats you.

best of luck

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Calvin's wagon

Hi!:)

 

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your mom and with your health issues! I'm keeping my fingers crossed the health issues will resolve, and that you will find a way to feel happy regardless of what your mom does or says (and if that means that also your relationship will improve, even better!

 

I'd like to recommend reading the book Toxic parents and "Families and how to survive them". I've seen that you posted a reply to Vacant77, where I posted more info about the books and how you can read Toxic parents online.

 

Since you're wondering if your mom's behaviour is normal, reading the book and comparing the behaviour described in there with your family will give you some idea what your family is like. There is also a "questionnaire" in chapter 10 (from page 57 onwards) in the book that helps you figure that out.

 

Again, this is just a book, and it'd be best if it was complemented by:

- other books

- support groups

- hot lines

- therapy sessions (if you have the chance).

 

I’d also recommend relaxation and other techniques (also described them in that other thread - I won’t write them here, because it will make the post too long and that might not be helpful... - but if you want, I’d be glad to write more and answer any questions!) when/before stress gets too much to handle!

 

-------

 

Having said that, my opinion is that the way your mom treats you is, at the very least, unkind and counterproductive, and, more likely (if you could write more, give more specific examples of what she says etc.), toxic and detrimental to you.

 

Going through what you wrote:

 

- being a terrible daughter being unable to tolerate stress

 

No mom should say or otherwise indicate to her child that she is “terrible”! That she is “bad” for not handling stress. Words are hurtful, and if a parent gives bad messages enough time (especially when a kid is young), the kid can “internalise” that and start to think that he really is terrible, even though it isn’t.

 

Messages from parents should be constructive, should give constructive advice, criticism and especially loving&caring. They should be optimistic, confident etc.

 

 

- I had one of my ovaries removed through surgery and thought she could pity me but nope

 

I’m a guy, so I can’t know how this operation feels, but from what I’ve read, this kind of medical problem can be really serious, and parents should offer emotional and other kind of support in such cases to their kids!

 

- She tells me I'm too fat, too naive too lazy too immature nearly everyday. No. Literally everyday if I am home for the holidays (spring break right now).

 

You’ve written that you haven’t been sexually or physically abused. Be sure to read the books and talk to other people and check out “emotional abuse”. Because that is also a type of abuse, and some of the things you’ve written give me cause for concern that you have been emotionally abused.

 

Being told every day that you’re fat, lazy, terrible, … - to me, that is emotional abuse...

 

Comparing you to your sister is, to me, a big no no! It can lead to jealousy, anger, resentment towards your sister, and I’m glad you get along with your sister! But your mom could have done a lot of damage in your relationship with your sister...

 

I don’t mean to say that a parent who does that is all bad. I’m sure your mom has, like you pointed out, a lot of good qualities and does a lot of work, but despite the good she does, the bad that she does can be really detrimental and toxic for you...

 

-----

 

I also perfectly understand not feeling like going home! After I moved out for the first time, I barely talked to my parents, and sometimes didn’t reply to their texts etc. for 4-5 days -> I had felt so suffocated and controlled and exhausted from dealing with them that I wanted my space! So from what you’ve written, I can understand what you mean...

 

 

---

 

I would like to ask you to read what I’ve written to Vacant77 and to try to read as much as of the book toxic parents as possible (I’m especially interested what you’ll think about chapter 10). I hope after that you will have a clearer perspective.

 

I’d also like to ask you a couple of questions, if you don’t mind:

1.) you’ve talked about your mom. What about your dad? How does he treat you, what does he do when your mom calls you lazy etc.?

2.) can you tell me a bit more what she means by “I don't respect giving her time to talk “? That you don’t talk enough with her, or that you interrupt her, or sth else?

3.) how often does she tell you positive stuff? That she loves you, that she thinks you’re smart, kind etc.? How often does she compliment you for doing sth well? How often does she now or has she told you (in the past) that she loves you and that you’re special to her no matter what grades you get, no matter what?

4.) When interacting with other people/alone, are you confident or do you feel “terrible, lazy, naive, fat, /everything else your mom calls you/”? What is your self-image?

 

---

 

I’m really glad that you’re not giving in to negative messages from your mom, that you’re fighting for yourself and that you’re trying to find information! I’m also proud of you that you’re allowing yourself to think that maybe your mom’s behaviour isn’t normal or good for you.

 

That was one of the hardest things for me, to tell myself that I shouldn’t blindly accept everything from my parents as good as normal.

 

 

I’d also like to tell you that you deserve to be loved (by yourself, by your parents, …) and to feel happy even though you don’t have perfect grades, a boyfriend or all the other stuff your mom holds against you! Your home and your family shouldn’t be a place you’re trying to avoid, a place where you get called fat, terrible, lazy etc.!

 

It should be a safe haven from the problems you’re facing in the world, somewhere you feel safe and loved, where you can get love, positive energy and constructive, optimistic advice how to tackle the world! And it’s your parents responsibility to provide you such an environment!

 

 

Ok, this is getting to be a long post, so I’ll stop for now!

 

Best wishes, and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you!:)

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Calvin's wagon

Forgot to add this part:

 

You mentioned wanting to sever ties and move out permanently. I think at some point this might be worthy of considerations, but I would also advise you to think really hard before doing that.

 

I think there might be a chance that your mom will somehow be willing to change her ways (I've managed to convince my parents to change a lot of things - it's hard... , and they've started reading the books I told you about and they even said they'll get an appointment with a therapist)...

 

It might also be possible to set boundaries with her, short of severing all and any contact with her.

 

And yes, there's a chance that it will turn out that it's really in your best interest to not have any contact with her, but I think there are a lot of things that you might try to change the situation before deciding upon that.

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moving out is not going to change anything truuuuust me i am married and live off in another country and my mother is still the same, sure she misses me but it didnt make her realize how my absence would affect her as i thought. Have you tried talking to her i know this option seems dumb but have you tried? Anyways after all is said and done and you have tried and still nothing then you have to do what makes you happy and obviously she makes it difficult for your happiness. Oh how i was in your shoes, there were days i just wanted to be anywhere but my home but anywhere for me was my grandfather's house and its right across the street from home so no luck there. Parents can be rough specially mother daughter relationships believe me i am still having a difficult time with my mother aside from everything. The only opinion that counts is my brother's no matter how crappy his life is and mines is not :o but i just had to deal with it and ignore it and let it be and just call her and email her every now and then because she does care after all even if our relationship is quite difficult. My mother is always judgmental as well. So i would try to fix the relationship with your mother as much as possible and if it doesn't work out if you can afford to move out then do so because i KNOW how hard it is and it doesn't change!

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Dragonfruit

@Msrxchef- I don't think you need a third opinion as to who is right, the fact is, the woman drives you bonkers and there's your proof that she is definitely a problem for you.

 

I think yes, you should stand up to her, but briefly. Otherwise, you are just right back into the craziness that goes 'round and 'round forever. Maybe have some pat phrases ready, "Don't insult me." That kind of thing. Then, LEAVE. If you are there physically, go to a room where you can shut her out or go for a walk or whatever. On the phone, tell her you have to go. End it.

 

You need as much distance as it takes to not be driven bonkers. Your peace of mind and ability to enjoy your days calmly are very important and need to be guarded.

 

I find it much better to deal with problem people by email instead of phone. You have much more control that way. I would do this by not answering anymore when she calls. Instead, email her. After awhile, it gets to be a habit.

 

If there's trouble in person, make sure it's a pretty good time before there's another visit and shorten the next visits. On the phone, get off the phone as soon as you catch it and be sure not to call for awhile. You may want to set a number of days. By email, same, no reply for however long and then shorter emails. Continue increasing times between and shortening events as needed until you are not driven bonkers. Also, monitor the content of the communications. Try to keep it light, more the kind of things you would chat with an acquaintance about. Do not reveal personal details that are likely to be judged and used against you.

 

Also, don't feed it by thinking or talking about it too much. Get up and do something, clean something, whatever. Don't allow yourself to rant too much to friends or replay things too much in your mind. If you feed drama, it grows. Starve it and it begins to recede.

 

I do not think you will change her but you can definitely learn to "contain" the crazy and keep it away from you. These steps get easier with practice until they are second nature and you've got it pretty well mastered.

 

Thems my two coppers. Good luck.

Edited by Dragonfruit
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No one should allow themselves to be subject to verbal or any type of abuse. Be strong and you can love your mother but you don't have to like how she treats you.

best of luck

 

Thanks. that's some great insight.

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Thanks for the insight!

I’d also like to ask you a couple of questions, if you don’t mind:

1.) you’ve talked about your mom. What about your dad? How does he treat you, what does he do when your mom calls you lazy etc.?

My dad essentially does the complete opposite most of the time. calling me a wonderful daughter, i'm special, unique, blah blah blah. pretty normal if you take it out of context but right after a bashing from your mom who says you're lazy, stupid and whatnot it feels a whole lot of sugar coating. lately now that i've been standing up for myself my dad just sits there. he likes to also think my mother caused him many health problems including depression, heart disease and more. but he doesnt do anything to fix his own situation and claims that its because he wants the family to be together and that's his ultimate goal in life...

2.) can you tell me a bit more what she means by “I don't respect giving her time to talk “? That you don’t talk enough with her, or that you interrupt her, or sth else?

We were hotly discussing a point my mom made in response to my sister where i wanted to say that my moms point doesn't really apply to a situation in my sisters school because of the demographics at the school. my mom took it as personal offense and got worked over it and thought i was bashing her and drew to a hasty conclusion that i "never respect other peoples opinions" . also she spent literally 20+ mins talking and talking and talking about useless **** and if i don't intrude i would never have the chance to clarify what i really meant to say. i timed her once. and i didn't say a word through the 20 minutes. i do have problems with interrupting others when people get the wrong idea of what i'm saying but other than that i have normal convos with many people. it doesnt help that my mother and i have language barriers either.

3.) how often does she tell you positive stuff? That she loves you, that she thinks you’re smart, kind etc.? How often does she compliment you for doing sth well? How often does she now or has she told you (in the past) that she loves you and that you’re special to her no matter what grades you get, no matter what?

my mother has said that in the end of life no one will care for you as much as your parents do, or to be truly happy is just to have a stable income and kids and family, or all these general things that basically mean i don't care if you don't go to an ivy school or medical school but i do care that you'll have a stable income and life to raise kids. she calls me a very placid and honest and naive person.

i'm not naive. i hate being called that. I think its because i'm good-natured and straightforward but why they say naive i'm not sure. my parents compared me to a girl who spent over 10,000 dollars a month [money from her parents] for her boyfriend and said I would be "exactly like her" someday. afterwards my dad denied he said "exactly" but i remember! it was said! my mom doesnt deny it but still believes i am naive! which is not all bad, i could use this to my advantage...

 

4.) When interacting with other people/alone, are you confident or do you feel “terrible, lazy, naive, fat, /everything else your mom calls you/”? What is your self-image?

about a year ago every interaction i had with other people i defintiey felt like i was too fat, lazy, incompetent essentially and that led me to be a very insecure young teen. i'm in my 20s now and i would have to say with each day i push my parents incessant voices from my head I get better with handling with people. it stems from my dad, he's also very anxious around people and cares a lot what people think of him. i try not to let it get the best of me anymore.

---

 

I’m really glad that you’re not giving in to negative messages from your mom, that you’re fighting for yourself and that you’re trying to find information! I’m also proud of you that you’re allowing yourself to think that maybe your mom’s behaviour isn’t normal or good for you.

 

That was one of the hardest things for me, to tell myself that I shouldn’t blindly accept everything from my parents as good as normal.

:lmao:This means so much! thank you! and yes, i've realized i shouldn't blindly accept everything my parents say. i have learned my lesson! although my dad takes my independence right now as a "stage" in my life he thinks eventually when i'm older i'll fall back on them for advice. i hope not.

 

I’d also like to tell you that you deserve to be loved (by yourself, by your parents, …) and to feel happy even though you don’t have perfect grades, a boyfriend or all the other stuff your mom holds against you! Your home and your family shouldn’t be a place you’re trying to avoid, a place where you get called fat, terrible, lazy etc.!

 

It should be a safe haven from the problems you’re facing in the world, somewhere you feel safe and loved, where you can get love, positive energy and constructive, optimistic advice how to tackle the world! And it’s your parents responsibility to provide you such an environment!

 

:lmao:Thanks so much for the insight. And i'm still looking for my safe haven. for now, its music and books, but this webiste is coming a close second and when i move to my apartment next year hopefully it is there!

 

Ok, this is getting to be a long post, so I’ll stop for now!

 

Best wishes, and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you!:)

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I think you're right. i'm gonna try to see if i can fix this. it really sucks that my mom's native language is Chinese and not English because i can find so many self-help books in English but not Chinese...

Nevertheless i'll do my best with your suggestions.

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moving out is not going to change anything truuuuust me i am married and live off in another country and my mother is still the same, sure she misses me but it didnt make her realize how my absence would affect her as i thought. Oh this happened to me when i left for college! i thought she would have changed a little and stopped the insults for awhile, but she didn't change at all! within 20 mins she insulted me. haha Have you tried talking to her i know this option seems dumb but have you tried? Yup, i have multiple times. i get teary when i talk about it though. and...she dismisses it as weakness...and the conversation usually ends in how i have to improve but never her. Anyways after all is said and done and you have tried and still nothing then you have to do what makes you happy and obviously she makes it difficult for your happiness. Oh how i was in your shoes, there were days i just wanted to be anywhere but my home but anywhere for me was my grandfather's house and its right across the street from home so no luck there.sorry to hear that. Parents can be rough specially mother daughter relationships believe me i am still having a difficult time with my mother aside from everything. The only opinion that counts is my brother's no matter how crappy his life is and mines is not :o but i just had to deal with it and ignore it and let it be and just call her and email her every now and then because she does care after all even if our relationship is quite difficult.My mother is always judgmental as well. So i would try to fix the relationship with your mother as much as possible and if it doesn't work out if you can afford to move out then do so because i KNOW how hard it is and it doesn't change!

Thank you for your insight!:)Glad to know i'm not the only one.

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You need as much distance as it takes to not be driven bonkers. Your peace of mind and ability to enjoy your days calmly are very important and need to be guarded.

 

I find it much better to deal with problem people by email instead of phone. You have much more control that way. I would do this by not answering anymore when she calls. Instead, email her. After awhile, it gets to be a habit.

 

If there's trouble in person, make sure it's a pretty good time before there's another visit and shorten the next visits. On the phone, get off the phone as soon as you catch it and be sure not to call for awhile. You may want to set a number of days. By email, same, no reply for however long and then shorter emails. Continue increasing times between and shortening events as needed until you are not driven bonkers. Also, monitor the content of the communications. Try to keep it light, more the kind of things you would chat with an acquaintance about. Do not reveal personal details that are likely to be judged and used against you.

 

Also, don't feed it by thinking or talking about it too much. Get up and do something, clean something, whatever. Don't allow yourself to rant too much to friends or replay things too much in your mind. If you feed drama, it grows. Starve it and it begins to recede.

 

I do not think you will change her but you can definitely learn to "contain" the crazy and keep it away from you. These steps get easier with practice until they are second nature and you've got it pretty well mastered.

 

Thems my two coppers. Good luck.

 

this is very good advice! i've been definitely doing the whole email and distance thing. not talking too much or sharing personal details with her. problem is she knows i don't and claims it's a faulty of mine...but not my problem if she can't go a phone call without insulting me once,i guess better to keep my trap shut.

 

"Starve it and it begins to recede."--i'm poetic, i love this very much, thanks :D

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Calvin's wagon

Hi, I was really glad to see that you've posted again, and even more glad to read your posts!:)

 

Despite reading more about how mistreated you were/are, I was happy to read all the good things about you, how you're facing this and living your life! It was great to read parts like "and i would have to say with each day i push my parents incessant voices from my head I get better with handling with people.". That's great!

 

 

But I was sad to read about how you're dad is behaving. Looking at what you've written, he hasn't done his part in protecting you from your mom and giving you the parental care you need, and I really dislike his position that your independence right now is a "stage" in your life. He should be proud and happy that you are/growing up to be an independent person! It's the best any parent can and should hope for their kids, that they will grow up to be independent people, happy with whomever they've become!

 

 

As for "reason" why he's not fixing his problems, to me it's just a big excuse or at the very least a very misguided idea that ignoring the problems will make them go away...

 

I wish I weren't so rough about your dad, but I wanted to point that out. For me, it took a long time to see that my dad was just as bad as my mom for not protecting me from her... And it was necessary for me to realize that in order to acknowledge the reality of my situation and not just pretend that "my dad was never part of my problems"...

 

 

Ok, those things aside, I'm glad to read a lot of good things about you!:)

 

If I may give you another suggestion - try to take some time every day or at least every week to work on "loving/liking yourself" and being happy just by/with yourself. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's very important that you never stop thinking how great you are and how you deserve to be happy and love yourself (and be loved by your family/close ones) for who you are,

regardless of what kind of job you have, what grades,...

 

Perhaps write down (routinely) what kind of things make you happy and try to make sure you do them often enough, write down what you like about yourself, what you did that you're proud of (and standing up for yourself should be very high on that list:)!) and so on.

 

I don't know you very well, but just from these couple of posts I've found so many things I like about you and admire about you that I'm sure you'll find lots more about yourself!

 

Lastly, about literature in Chinese (Mandarin/Cantonese/...) - I would ask at your local bookshop(s) if they can help you find the Chinese editions of English literature... Or also write to the publishers of those English books asking them if they know where you can obtain the Chinese translations. Given what a huge market it represents, I'd be very surprised if there weren't any Chinese translations available. And if they're not, maybe you could write some:)

 

I hope you will write back some more about what you've figured out, so we can give you the support you deserve and need! Best wishes!:)

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