Coping with a Dying Parent

[acheybreakey]

Hi everyone

I feel a bit weird writing about this on here, but I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this with so I thought it would be good to come here for support. My mom has terminal cancer and it has been a very long and painful road. I was out of the country for a year working on my masters degree and when she became sick this summer, the doctor said she would only have a couple weeks. But she survived the summer thankfully, but was still sick so I took a semester off from my program to be with her. My dad refuses to talk about it because it's too difficult. I don't really feel comfortable talking about something so difficult with my friends and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me as soon as she was diagnosed because he "didn't know how to support me with this" and I've been dealing with it on my own ever since. Now I have to go back to school or else I will lose my scholarship and therefore not be able to complete my program because I can't afford it out of pocket. But the problem is, I feel bad leaving. My mom and my dad both say I need to go and they want me to live my life. But 95% of the time my mom is completely out of it and has no idea who I am. This entire semester she's been telling me about her daughter that lives out of the country for school and how she misses her, and I tell her over and over again that I'm here and I love her but she doesn't understand. I stay with her from 8 am to 10 pm every day and most of the time she doesn't even know it is me

 

I was feeling okay with leaving until recently. I felt like I spent as much time with her as I could and since she doesn't even know if I'm here or not maybe it is better that I finish my degree. I'd been battling with this decision for months but that was the conclusion I came to after a long time. But then last night she woke up in the middle of the night (~3am) fairly lucid and she called me on my cell phone. It was the first real conversation I've had with her since maybe May or June. She told me she was feeling good and talked about her day and the dreams she'd had. It didn't really make sense but she knew who I was so I was happy. But then she told me how badly she wished I was there with her. And then she said the sentence that destroyed me. She said, "I just... I miss you so much." but when she said it there was so much pain in her voice. She sounded so heart broken. I ran downstairs to show her I was there but as soon as I got there she had forgotten all about the phone call or who I was. And now it's all I can think about. I keep hearing her say that over and over again in my head and it hurts so terribly to think that she doesn't know that I'm here with her or how much I love her, all she remembers is that I left her and she thinks shes alone... The thought of her hurting like that is tearing me apart.

 

I don't know what to do now. I was supposed to go back to school on Tuesday and now I don't know if I should. I'm only 24 so maybe I can find another graduate program that gives me full tuition plus a monthly stipend next year after she's passed... but my dad is telling me that that is too short sighted and I shouldn't do it. Can somebody please help me?

[kds]

I am so sorry for your pain and confusion. Death is hard. I do not understand why people are so afraid to talk about it. It is my experience as a Hospice Nurse that the person dying and the people around them , like yourself need to share. That's why you wrote, isn't it? It's a natural part of life. Let your friends help you, you'll will be surprized. Listen to your father go to school. Death happens in it's own time, for it's own reasons. It sounds like you are being as kind and thoughtful as any child can be. Don't try to read too much into the things you mother says in the state she is in...her mind is processing on another level. I'm sure she knows you love her and soon will watch your life grow from great seats. I am sure she is very proud. Remember regreat and guilt are useless emotions.I know you will do the right thing.

[Phoebe]

Hi Acheybreaky,

 

I've been in a similar situation, I had moved halfway across the world with my now ex-husband when I got the news that my mum had terminal cancer. I traveled back there and she died within a couple of weeks. You are in a more difficult situation. Have you spoken to your school or the people financing you to see if they can make an exception for you? Find out as well if dropping out now will prevent you from being eligible for graduate program with tuition and living expenses in the future? Find out all these things before making your decision.

 

Whatever decision you make there is no right or wrong, but it must be your decision and not your parents. You will live with it for the rest of your life, and probably wonder now and again if you made the right decision. In practical terms I don't think that it will make a difference to your mother if you go, she doesn't recognise you and it would be a shame to not finish your graduate program.

 

That said if you are uncomfortable with this idea then it may be better to stay with her. My boyfriend's mother also died of cancer (the second time she got it), she told him to leave and not to come back because she saw how it distressed him - but he still beats himself over doing what she told him to.

 

Another thing to take into consideration is what kind of support network do you have in the country that you go to school in? I went back to work shortly after my mother's funeral and it was rough, I had a couple of good friends who helped me through it but it was still rough. I made a mistake though, I tried to keep things to myself and it brought me to my knees. I ended up on anti-depressants and having counselling sessions. Regret and guilt may be useless emotions but they are very human, anger is another one, don't be afraid to feel your emotions, just make sure that you have a healthy way of letting them out.

 

I'm not sure if I've helped you any, I hope so if only to know that you are not alone. If you want to feel free to PM me.

[whichwayisup]

You're in a tough spot. It's not only you dealing with your mom's illness and dying but also her not remembering at times. I feel for you and I'm sorry that you're going through this and having to deal with it all.

 

I wish I could tell you what to do, point you in a direction. Just follow your heart and do what you feel is right and what you can live with. And be OK with it, make peace with it and don't ever EVER feel bad or guilty.

 

Have to say, I think it's pretty sh.itty of your bf to end things with you. But, with that said, at least you know he wasn't right for you in the long run, to bail out because he couldn't handle stuff or be supportive, he isn't husband or long term material.