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My Mother Burdened Me with a Secret


blue rain

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Hi!

I'm new to the forums and so glad I found this place. I hope somebody can help me here.

I'm a 27 year old woman, married for 5 years, have a step daughter (11)...

 

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She's always had such a hard time accepting who I am. If it isn't my spirituality she has a problem with, it is that I interpret dreams, am a vegetarian, married a man from a completely different culture and religion, my make-up, my clothes, my taste in music, my enthusiam about health and eating well, my poetry, my taste in movies, that I think therapy is a great tool for self growth, my beliefs etc.

This might sound normal, I don't know, but at least she is always leaving me with a feeling that I'm not good enough in her eyes. I know she's an extremely depressed woman and that she deeply regrets her life and is unhappy about her marriage to my dad... So I can understand why she's so weird and negative, but I can't take it anymore. My lack of self worth has led me to cutting myself occasionally, hating myself, wanting to(!) prostitute myself, starve myself and it has such a negative effect on my marriage! I have such a hard time finding a healthy balance between being myself in my marriage and doing my own thing and being intimate etc. and I know my anger and frustration is rooted in my relationship with my mom. I've told her off many times, but always returned back to the same old pattern where I pretend to like her and pick up the phone when she calls etc.

My marriage is so close to falling apart, but we are trying to repair it - and ourselves - through couple's therapy, we just can't afford it more than twice a month so it's a slow process.

 

I'm very angry with my mother... I can partly forgive that she hasn't been able to be a good mother because of her own struggles, but a few years back she did something really stupid and mean:

She told me that she'd been in love and romantically involved with another man when I experienced my first love and relationship (at the age of 16) - partly blaming it on me! Seriously.

She then angrily threatened me and said that if I EVER tell my dad about that she would NEVER see me again ever... Of course that might sound like a great idea, but I hate to be living with this secret/burden! I know she's recently had another romantic relationship - which my dad told me....... - and it makes me furious because she doesn't have the strength to leave him or get professional help! She's just destroying her and other people's lives (especially my dad's at the moment)! :-(

 

Oh dear.

So my question to you guys is: What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I feel like telling her how angry it makes me that she burdened me with that secret! But I'm also afraid of doing that because it would shake up everything around me again and at the moment I feel so fragile and depressed myself... And I don't know if that would be enough for me to tell her that, to feel that my power has been restored...

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

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Wow. I'm sorry. :(

 

It sounds like your mom is a very selfish person. You make a lot of excuses for her on why she is the way she is I've noticed. But there really is no excuse for her making you feel badly the way she has and continues to do. That's the difference between a good mom and a bad mom...the ability to put a child's needs before her own and wanting happiness for her child.

 

It sounds like you have a bad one. :(

 

Personally I would take anything she has to say and let it go in one ear and out the other. I would give no credibility to any comment she makes towards you, good or bad. It sounds like you give a whole lot of importance to what she says and maybe you've been programmed to listen to her, but you don't have to do that anymore. You're a grown woman and can think for yourself and make good choices with or without your parents permission.

 

I know many people cut ties to their mothers for being toxic. Maybe you should do a pro/con list of having her in your life and see where you're at.

 

Again I'm sorry.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my thread! I find your answer to be very helpful. I'm still in the process of learning to understand that my mom truly is toxic for me and to stop making excuses for her behavior! I still somehow feel sorry for her... An her voice has become internalized in me incl. her depressed mood at times and those internalized things take control over me from time to time and makes every single one of my relationships (marriage, friendships...) difficult.

 

I'm a stepmom and even towards my STEPchild I would NEVER behave like my mom did towards me! I'd never call her a stupid cow, compare her to her friends in a negative way, and make sarcastic jokes when she shares something she's happy about etc...

 

The idea with the pro/con list sounds great! I will be doing that. I still gotta find out if I need to tell my mom that the fact that she burdened me with that secret and then threatened me simply isn't acceptable...

Thanks so much for your help and understanding.

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I've had to call my mom out on crap before too and I had to try it a couple times because I first approached her when I didn't have a real solid handle on my emotions and that only made things worse because she wasn't saying what I needed to hear.

 

I think it's a good idea to get it off your chest but in my opinion it can be more damaging than helpful if what she says still holds power over you.

 

I know you say you're in MC, how about IC? Do you go?

 

I know where I live there is counseling at women's shelters that's free. You've experienced abuse and would probably qualify to be seen at one of those facilities. It may be worth looking into.

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I'm also fearing that I'm not emotionally ready yet to shield myself against what my mom could say if I confronted her again... But I do want to become ready, 'cause I think she needs to know what she's done (with this secret etc.).

 

I'm currently working on my master's degree and in May I'll be finished (if everything goes according to plan) and then I'll for sure be able to afford IC aswell. My husband and I talked about me getting IC now already - I'd love to - and probably will go, although it might not be that frequently.

Where I live the counseling isn't free in women's shelters and they mainly focus on marrital problems..

 

You've experienced abuse

That made me well up! I guess I haven't until now realized that (emotional) abuse is what I have experienced...! No wonder I had the same behavioral patterns and lack of self worth as most of the women in SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) when I attended that group a few years back (when I thought my problem was mainly that I love too much...).

Thanks for helping me to see my situation clearer amaysngrace!

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Thanks for joining in!

I have thought about it! I'm just still a bit afraid of the consequences I guess. Somehow my mom has still power over me in the sense that I can get afraid of her anger :-/ I'll have to work on that! I also don't know if I should just keep it between my mom and I... I do love my dad although he's been emotionally manipulating especially when I was younger. I guess I - because of the emotional manipulation - have learned to feel sorry and protect my parents -and I feel like protecting my dad from this secret, although I know he'd stay with her anyway.

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What did your parents do for you when they found out you were harming yourself? Did they make sure that you were helped or did they do nothing? Did they even notice? :(

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For some reason I first started doing that when I was in the early 20's when I'd met my now husband and my mom just wouldn't accept our relationship and both my husband and I were having a hard time (with my parents and later on with each other...).

I guess it all became too much for me! I cut off all contact with my family for almost 2 years but then reunited with them again - slowly. And since then my husband and I have struggled so much and I'm depressed on and off...

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todreaminblue
Hi!

I'm new to the forums and so glad I found this place. I hope somebody can help me here.

I'm a 27 year old woman, married for 5 years, have a step daughter (11)...

 

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She's always had such a hard time accepting who I am. If it isn't my spirituality she has a problem with, it is that I interpret dreams, am a vegetarian, married a man from a completely different culture and religion, my make-up, my clothes, my taste in music, my enthusiam about health and eating well, my poetry, my taste in movies, that I think therapy is a great tool for self growth, my beliefs etc.

This might sound normal, I don't know, but at least she is always leaving me with a feeling that I'm not good enough in her eyes. I know she's an extremely depressed woman and that she deeply regrets her life and is unhappy about her marriage to my dad... So I can understand why she's so weird and negative, but I can't take it anymore. My lack of self worth has led me to cutting myself occasionally, hating myself, wanting to(!) prostitute myself, starve myself and it has such a negative effect on my marriage! I have such a hard time finding a healthy balance between being myself in my marriage and doing my own thing and being intimate etc. and I know my anger and frustration is rooted in my relationship with my mom. I've told her off many times, but always returned back to the same old pattern where I pretend to like her and pick up the phone when she calls etc.

My marriage is so close to falling apart, but we are trying to repair it - and ourselves - through couple's therapy, we just can't afford it more than twice a month so it's a slow process.

 

I'm very angry with my mother... I can partly forgive that she hasn't been able to be a good mother because of her own struggles, but a few years back she did something really stupid and mean:

She told me that she'd been in love and romantically involved with another man when I experienced my first love and relationship (at the age of 16) - partly blaming it on me! Seriously.

She then angrily threatened me and said that if I EVER tell my dad about that she would NEVER see me again ever... Of course that might sound like a great idea, but I hate to be living with this secret/burden! I know she's recently had another romantic relationship - which my dad told me....... - and it makes me furious because she doesn't have the strength to leave him or get professional help! She's just destroying her and other people's lives (especially my dad's at the moment)! :-(

 

Oh dear.

So my question to you guys is: What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I feel like telling her how angry it makes me that she burdened me with that secret! But I'm also afraid of doing that because it would shake up everything around me again and at the moment I feel so fragile and depressed myself... And I don't know if that would be enough for me to tell her that, to feel that my power has been restored...

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

to restore yourself you have to forgive your mum....mothers arent perfect so therefore cannot love perfectly...neither can you or i or anyone else, we can only achieve true happiness when we accept everyone makes mistakes and learn to accept and forgive not only others but ourselves......the second step is to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made, and not to blame them on your mum....like she blamed you , you are now doing the same thing it causes dissention in your heart and a disconnection from the love you can feel for you mum yourself and any relationship you have in the future including the relationship you have with your spouse.....rely on your spirituality and belief in god pray for enlightenment and peace , love your husband as you want to love him that is pretty simp0le to ascertain...love him as you want to be loved...you are the only one eho can fix this now, your mum wants to be loved you know by you and by everyone around her....every one deserves to be forgiven accepted and loved.....even the ones that hurt us....because you can only be truly hurt by someone if you care for them ...the ones that loves us....hurt us the most...as we hurt them.because they can..and as we can hurt them back...........now to listen to my own advice....thats harder.....i have never forgiven myself even though i know i have been forgiven .......we are our own worst enemy..and i followed my heart to write this to you.........follow yours............deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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I hurt myself before as a way of having control when I felt like I didn't have it any other way. It was the one thing I could control so I did.

 

I hate to say this but your family sounds so dysfunctional. It's not your job to protect your father, it's his job as well as your mother's to protect you. You were always the child.

 

Maybe you can google books on neglect or unhealthy parent/child relationships and learn more. There are also books available through amazon. But I would definitely make counseling for yourself a priority.

 

It sounds like there's a lot of things you may need to unlearn before you can get to that place of contentment which you very much deserve to be.

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to restore yourself you have to forgive your mum....mothers arent perfect so therefore cannot love perfectly...neither can you or i or anyone else, we can only achieve true happiness when we accept everyone makes mistakes and learn to accept and forgive not only others but ourselves......the second step is to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made, and not to blame them on your mum....like she blamed you , you are now doing the same thing it causes dissention in your heart and a disconnection from the love you can feel for you mum yourself and any relationship you have in the future including the relationship you have with your spouse.....rely on your spirituality and belief in god pray for enlightenment and peace , love your husband as you want to love him that is pretty simp0le to ascertain...love him as you want to be loved...you are the only one eho can fix this now, your mum wants to be loved you know by you and by everyone around her....every one deserves to be forgiven accepted and loved.....even the ones that hurt us....because you can only be truly hurt by someone if you care for them ...the ones that loves us....hurt us the most...as we hurt them.because they can..and as we can hurt them back...........now to listen to my own advice....thats harder.....i have never forgiven myself even though i know i have been forgiven .......we are our own worst enemy..and i followed my heart to write this to you.........follow yours............deb

 

Thanks for sharing your view on my situation! I appreciate it very much and I think you're very right: the end result should be forgiveness - to set everyone free! I just don't think I'm there yet... I still have some things to say to my parents and to do and as amaysngrace said: to unlearn.

I hope you will be able to forgive yourself over time aswell!

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I hurt myself before as a way of having control when I felt like I didn't have it any other way. It was the one thing I could control so I did.

 

I hate to say this but your family sounds so dysfunctional. It's not your job to protect your father, it's his job as well as your mother's to protect you. You were always the child.

 

Maybe you can google books on neglect or unhealthy parent/child relationships and learn more. There are also books available through amazon. But I would definitely make counseling for yourself a priority.

 

It sounds like there's a lot of things you may need to unlearn before you can get to that place of contentment which you very much deserve to be.

 

Thank you for sharing your own experience with self harm! Did you use IC to help yourself change the negative pattern?

When I felt the most out of control a few years back, I cut myself for the first time... So it is indeed connected to a lack of control in your life.

 

My family is very dysfunctional!! I have a niece who started cutting at the age of 12 (she's 13 now - she got help through IC).

 

I've found Dan Neuharth's book "If You Had Controlling Parents" (2009) and Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents" (2002) on the library and will definitely look for more books, articles etc.

 

And you're right: There're many things I need to start unlearning to live a happier, healthier life!

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todreaminblue
Thanks for sharing your view on my situation! I appreciate it very much and I think you're very right: the end result should be forgiveness - to set everyone free! I just don't think I'm there yet... I still have some things to say to my parents and to do and as amaysngrace said: to unlearn.

I hope you will be able to forgive yourself over time aswell!

 

its a work in progress, i truly believe i am meant to remember and hold humility close to my heart to keep me grounded, my mistakes are many and extensive and allo wm er=to relate to a lot of people, its hard to forgive my mistakes when i keep talking about them.or posting them...my heart tells me to .......if my mistakes can help others then ....that is my forgiveness there in me accepting them and being honest about them .....ill never say anything i am not or think i can ever unlearn what i have done or said.or can i unlearn what people have doen or said to me..ill be honest and as i said, to me, thats forgiveness for myself....comes with me knowing i am not perfect and never will be....not on earth anyway.............deb

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coffeebean201

I think you are giving your mom too much credit for the negativity in your life.

 

Can you dial back your mom's influence in your life to maybe a phone call a month?

 

And just forget she exists the rest of the time. Who cares if she had an affair. Who cares if you like her or not. She is your mom.

 

And then use all that emotional space to rebuild and reknit with your hubby.

 

Your marriage is obviously worth saving and the stress with your mom is contaminating the rest of your life.

 

Romance your hubby back (look nice, dinners together, flowers, no other people). Try and be a bit more social as a couple together?

 

And reduce your stressload by taking a break from stuff that can wait a year until the rhythm is back in your life.

 

You sound like a great person and really interesting. Sometimes people don't realize all the demands on us.

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Thank you for sharing your own experience with self harm! Did you use IC to help yourself change the negative pattern?

When I felt the most out of control a few years back, I cut myself for the first time... So it is indeed connected to a lack of control in your life.

 

My family is very dysfunctional!! I have a niece who started cutting at the age of 12 (she's 13 now - she got help through IC).

 

 

I'm glad your niece is getting help. It's hard enough being a kid today.

 

Yes I went and got help but mine was an eating disorder but its still very injurious. I always went to counseling whenever I felt overwhelmed and couldn't handle things on my own.

 

I don't see any shame in asking for help. I think it's much more of a shame to need help and not go get any.

 

You sound like you are on your way to doing what needs to be done. You've recognized and admitted there's a problem and that's half the battle right there.

 

:)

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"So my question to you guys is: What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

 

walk away, idk how you can be happy in life with this emotional albatross

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I haven't cut myself but i did pick at my skin, my shoulders are not a pretty sight and probably never will be.

My lips were chaffed, ripped, partially bloody.

I did not think others would notice but now that i got out of it ... i notice it in others.

As you were told, it's a way to regain control of your life, the little places where you can have control.

 

On the subject at hand ...

I like to think of ppl as living in a bubble.

It's this bubble that surrounds us, of a certain shade [doesn't really matter].

Everything we see, feel or experience goes through this bubble.

Negative ppl with negative bubbles, will only notice the negative things that happen to them, never the positive ones.

Same for positive ppl, with positive bubbles.

The bubble is our subjective version of reality; it is subjective because it was shaped through our own experiences in life and especially those experiences that we allow to matter to us. As for the reality part, none of us can have the perfect map of reality, because none of us are truly neutral in our views. So we all see different things, based on what our defining experiences were in life.

That is our bubble.

 

One of the most important influences on our bubble [or version of reality if you want] are the parents.

Their relationship is the one that influences us, is a model to us.

Most children do not rebel agains their parents, and if they do they end up the opposite of their parents.

Either way their parent's influence is defining for their bubble.

 

Everyone has this bubble, but related to self-confidence there are intensities.

Some ppl have lots of self-confidence, their bubble is strong and does not allow for easy manipulation, alteration.

Some ppl have average self-confidence, and their bubble can be manipulated easier.

Some ppl have low self-confidence, and their bubble is easy to alter/damage/change.

 

Why is this important ?

Everyone who has had extended contact with an abuser, has had their bubble altered and many have low self-confidence.

This is why some ppl never leave their abusers.

This is why your dad will not leave your mom and will settle for the position of 'enabler'.

Your mom is an emotional/psychological abuser of the highest caliber.

You were affected, your perception of reality has been damaged.

 

But i have good news for you.

You are aware of this, as you are reading this.

You can change, you have already gone against her will.

Those 2yrs you spent far away from her, you gained independence from her bubble manipulation and you did better.

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I think you are giving your mom too much credit for the negativity in your life.

 

Can you dial back your mom's influence in your life to maybe a phone call a month?

 

And just forget she exists the rest of the time. Who cares if she had an affair. Who cares if you like her or not. She is your mom.

 

And then use all that emotional space to rebuild and reknit with your hubby.

 

Your marriage is obviously worth saving and the stress with your mom is contaminating the rest of your life.

 

Romance your hubby back (look nice, dinners together, flowers, no other people). Try and be a bit more social as a couple together?

 

And reduce your stressload by taking a break from stuff that can wait a year until the rhythm is back in your life.

 

You sound like a great person and really interesting. Sometimes people don't realize all the demands on us.

 

Thanks for joining in with your points of view!

I am trying to have much less contact with her now! My dad has had 3 kids with two former wives and then 2 kids (incl. me) with my mom, so we're a huge family now and there are tons of birthdays throughout the year... And no one is "allowed" not to join! Although my half-sisters and sister are always sort of depressed after a get-together, they continue showing up! I'm the only one who's been daring to not come and it was a huge drama the first year! After two years like that I attended the parties again... But it has a high cost and I need to find the strength in me again to not join if I don't feel like joining!

 

My husband and I definitely have focus on repairing our relationship now! It's so important to the both of us. We just recently realized that many of our disagreements and fights actually have deep roots in what we learned from our parents and that's why we/I also think a lot about that at the moment. My lack of self worth is hard on the relationship and I need to repair that over time.

 

And you're right: some of the things can wait until I feel more stable again.

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I'm glad your niece is getting help. It's hard enough being a kid today.

 

Yes I went and got help but mine was an eating disorder but its still very injurious. I always went to counseling whenever I felt overwhelmed and couldn't handle things on my own.

 

I don't see any shame in asking for help. I think it's much more of a shame to need help and not go get any.

 

You sound like you are on your way to doing what needs to be done. You've recognized and admitted there's a problem and that's half the battle right there.

 

:)

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging words!

 

I'm glad you got the help you needed! I also see no shame in asking for help!! Our MC therapist is amazing and I will ask for IC with her aswell. It has crossed my mind if I should ask my mother for the money...but I don't know if that is unfair or mean in any way... She hates therapists (go figure!)... I also want to be economically independent of course.

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"So my question to you guys is: What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

 

walk away, idk how you can be happy in life with this emotional albatross

 

I know you're right. At least for now it's too difficult to be happy with her in my life.

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I haven't cut myself but i did pick at my skin, my shoulders are not a pretty sight and probably never will be.

My lips were chaffed, ripped, partially bloody.

I did not think others would notice but now that i got out of it ... i notice it in others.

As you were told, it's a way to regain control of your life, the little places where you can have control.

 

On the subject at hand ...

I like to think of ppl as living in a bubble.

It's this bubble that surrounds us, of a certain shade [doesn't really matter].

Everything we see, feel or experience goes through this bubble.

Negative ppl with negative bubbles, will only notice the negative things that happen to them, never the positive ones.

Same for positive ppl, with positive bubbles.

The bubble is our subjective version of reality; it is subjective because it was shaped through our own experiences in life and especially those experiences that we allow to matter to us. As for the reality part, none of us can have the perfect map of reality, because none of us are truly neutral in our views. So we all see different things, based on what our defining experiences were in life.

That is our bubble.

 

One of the most important influences on our bubble [or version of reality if you want] are the parents.

Their relationship is the one that influences us, is a model to us.

Most children do not rebel agains their parents, and if they do they end up the opposite of their parents.

Either way their parent's influence is defining for their bubble.

 

Everyone has this bubble, but related to self-confidence there are intensities.

Some ppl have lots of self-confidence, their bubble is strong and does not allow for easy manipulation, alteration.

Some ppl have average self-confidence, and their bubble can be manipulated easier.

Some ppl have low self-confidence, and their bubble is easy to alter/damage/change.

 

Why is this important ?

Everyone who has had extended contact with an abuser, has had their bubble altered and many have low self-confidence.

This is why some ppl never leave their abusers.

This is why your dad will not leave your mom and will settle for the position of 'enabler'.

Your mom is an emotional/psychological abuser of the highest caliber.

You were affected, your perception of reality has been damaged.

 

But i have good news for you.

You are aware of this, as you are reading this.

You can change, you have already gone against her will.

Those 2yrs you spent far away from her, you gained independence from her bubble manipulation and you did better.

 

I really, really appreciate your post! Very wise words and I couldn't agree more! And thanks for sharing about your own experiences with self harm! It helps to see that I'm not alone with this...

 

Some ppl have low self-confidence, and their bubble is easy to alter/damage/change.

Definitely in that category...!

Although I have always wondered about this: I KNOW that I am something special (like every person is)... I have lots of talents and am a good person and when I am alone I have no problem seeing this and also recognizing my beauty. But as soon as I am in an intimate relationship I start doubting mysef and especially my beauty and my uniqueness (inside)... But I guess that's because 'my bubble' was damaged in a relationship with a person whom I loved (my mom)...

Did/do you also know that you are all these wonderful things when you're alone? And maybe not when you're with someone? I never heard anybody else talk about it in this way, but perhaps it's normal.

Your mom is an emotional/psychological abuser of the highest caliber.

You were affected, your perception of reality has been damaged.

Thank you for pointing that out... It helps me each time someone says this, since I've had/have such a hard time seeing that because my reality has been so damaged that I sometimes have no idea what's right or wrong.

 

And thank you for your encouraging words!! I will keep working on this and gaining the same strength I had a few years back :-)

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Definitely in that category...!

Although I have always wondered about this: I KNOW that I am something special (like every person is)... I have lots of talents and am a good person and when I am alone I have no problem seeing this and also recognizing my beauty. But as soon as I am in an intimate relationship I start doubting mysef and especially my beauty and my uniqueness (inside)... But I guess that's because 'my bubble' was damaged in a relationship with a person whom I loved (my mom)...

I was never aware of my beauty or uniqueness.

Only recently did i even realise that i'm not a dumbass.

2yrs ago i started exiting a 6+ yr depression.

I did not fully undertand what it was, and i spent about 1yr or more chasing ghosts.

The only good thing i managed to do in this time period was understanding that i had performance anxiety [regarding taking some exams], that i hurt myself to punish myself, and that i was going right into maladaptive daydreaming.

I think it was about 7-8 months ago when i was reading this forum that i realised i was abused as a kid [long story], and that my parents tried to help me out [granparents for 2yrs, school teacher for 4yrs, and school mates for about 8yrs up to HS], so i'm rather recent to all of this.

Digging deeper into my memories, writing them down in threads here i went through anger, and eventually recently just got to acceptance.

I wrote this part so far to give you a background.

Last August i actually made a post on exactly your question.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/340363-sabotaging-yourself-relationships

 

Did/do you also know that you are all these wonderful things when you're alone? And maybe not when you're with someone? I never heard anybody else talk about it in this way, but perhaps it's normal.

I was going to make another thread about a similar process, i'm not at home right now but i'll write it tonight [or tomorrow, depending on if i can finish fixing someone's PC], i shouldn't postpone it anymore.

The thread above and the other ones i made are a form of writing therapy, to correct my behaviour and what i see wrong in me.

To make me aware of them, because writing lasts longer ... and you can always reread it.

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melodymatters

It's funny, but I've noticed that the people with the MOST unhealthy relationships with their parents are the one's LEAST able to separate themselves.

 

My parents are far from perfect, but far from abusive, so in the middle there...I had an easy time moving away, having relationships in which their opinions meant no more than the mailmans, and simply not picking up the phone or listening any longer when they got stupid. Sorry, gotta go !

 

I think those negative voices burrow in deep when we are young and our sense's of self are still being formed. What struck me was you said something along the lines of : you cut them out of your life for 2 yrs and since you have re established contact your marriage has been suffering !?! You DO see that THEY have a very unhealthy marriage correct ? Would you take advice from ME if I told you my husband beat me every night and cheated on me ? Of course not, so why listen to them ???

 

Set your boundaries girl ! When ever your mother gets negative with you, say " I really am at a point in my life where I choose not to listen to other peoples negative opinions, please call back when you have something pleasant to say".You are ALLOWING yourself to be in an abusive relationship, you DO NOT owe them your flesh as their whipping post.

 

I wouldn't rush into interfering with THEIR unhealthy relationship right now: you have enough on your plate. But please, distance yourself, and put you, your H and your marriage first, and give your parents an option to enrich that... or get the hell away ! Good luck sweetheart....keep posting !

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Calvin's wagon

Blue rain, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going and what you've been through. But I'm so happy to hear that you're working on resolving the problems!

 

I wanted to recommend you the book Toxic parents, but to my delight I saw that you've already found it! It's amazing and it has helped me a lot.

 

I've attended therapy and have discovered that I've been living in denial about what my parents/family did to me. I'm working through it now and it's so hard. But even though it's hard, it feels so good to be working on it and knowing that there's a way to save yourself.

 

Though I don't have kids, I always say to myself that I'm gonna break the generational cycle of abuse and toxicty, and that I won't treaty my kids so badly...

 

Btw, to me it was helpful to read the book "Families and how to survive them" by Skynner, because it was somewhat of an introduction to this matter and helped me to better understand the book Toxic parents. It might be a bit redundant or too simple for some people, but I like the style in which it was written.

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

 

Best wishes

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