Mother refuses to answer questions

[Sugarkane]

As I've stated before whenever I ask my mum something she refuses to answer, ignores me and walks off. She regretted not going to university. Yet university was free when she was my age, unlike today (massive debts). And she had us late. Also when I ask her why she never left home until marriage (late also) she refuses to explain why.

[Radu]

Out of sight, out of mind ... comes to mind right now.

[Sugarkane]

Out of sight, out of mind ... comes to mind right now.

 

Meaning what? I should ignore her?

[Radu]

I mean, that's what she is doing to you.

[Ladybugz]

hmm..... i dont know your way of posting have a bad taste.

is that how you interrogate your mom kid?

i would put you out of my home cause you are very rude and disrespectful.

 

she have noting to tell you, beside what good does it do to you by asking all of that.

make shore you do it better .

 

stop looking for drama. if its not about something you dont know , like who is your dad,

etc. i dnt think you have any right to ask her and like she own you a answer

[SpiralOut]

You probably hit a sore spot.

[Sugarkane]

I wasn't trying to Be rude, I was trying to politely get answers from her. Since my parents refuse to explain anything. I'm never rude.

[Sugarkane]

In factthey their communication is poor. I didn't think it was great parenting to tell me where to go and shut up. Maybe I'm sick of being treated like shyte? I want to know why my parents are so traditional and the rest if my family isn't.

Edited February 7, 2013 by Sugarkane

[Sugarkane]

So who's really being the rude one?

[anne1707]

Your posting style in this thread (and in another recent one about your mother, baby boomers and going to uni) is rather blunt. If this is how you are questioning your parents, plus showing your criticim for past choices that they may not actually have been able to make as easily as you think, then if I were them I would also get frustrated with you. You may think you are never rude but you might actually be coming across as rude.

[Sugarkane]

Maybe I'm blunt because I want to get to The point. Seeing as I've been told before that my questions are confusing. I don't think it's that rude. Just trying to ask a question politely, I asked in general not specifically about her- why the BS? Maybe because I'm sick of it. My family is far from perfect and I haven't screamed my lungs out at them or walked off on him, like they have. They've done some pretty dysfunctional things to me eg a tonne if gaslighting.

[Sugarkane]

Basically I'm sick of their favoritism and lies Yet you're attacking me? I don't verbally abuse them, like they do to me.

[Radu]

anne, in a way i agree with you [especially after her last post], but that is the modus operandi of her mom to every question she dislikes, i honestly think that the issue is with her.

[anne1707]

Basically I'm sick of their favoritism and lies Yet you're attacking me? I don't verbally abuse them, like they do to me.

 

How exactly was I attacking you?

 

You do realise that your reaction actually supports my question to you on how you might come across to your parents. I am not saying this is all on you but you may not be helping the situation.

[TaraMaiden]

sugarkane understandably, you harbour a great deal of resentment, and you're obviously angered by the way you've been treated.

This comes across loud and clear in your written attitude too.

 

Rather than sit back and say

 

"Really? Do you think so? What would you guys suggest I do? How should I tackle it? I really want to understand where my parents 'are coming from', and maybe i need to modify my approach...."

 

You come back at us, bristling with indignation and on the offensive.

Stop a moment.

Have you sought therapy or counselling?

You need to address the source of these feelings and learn how to channel them effectively.

Otherwise, you turn into that which you most resent.....

[Els]

If you feel your family is dysfunctional, then how do you feel getting these answers from them will even help you? What's the magic answer you're looking for?

 

If they are genuinely as dysfunctional as you say and treated you like shyte, you need to 1) distance yourself from them, and 2) seek therapy to work your issues out by yourself, as many of us have suggested throughout your entire time in LS. Not hanging on to their elbow pestering them for answers like a little kid. If you constantly act like a kid, you're just enabling people to continue treating you like one.

[Sugarkane]

I did but the therapist just had a complete go at me and wasn't Hibbing me any suggestions. I got sick of wasting my money. Now at the moment I can't really afford it. It put me off.

sugarkane understandably, you harbour a great deal of resentment, and you're obviously angered by the way you've been treated.

This comes across loud and clear in your written attitude too.

 

Rather than sit back and say

 

"Really? Do you think so? What would you guys suggest I do? How should I tackle it? I really want to understand where my parents 'are coming from', and maybe i need to modify my approach...."

 

You come back at us, bristling with indignation and on the offensive.

Stop a moment.

Have you sought therapy or counselling?

You need to address the source of these feelings and learn how to channel them effectively.

Otherwise, you turn into that which you most resent.....

[TaraMaiden]

if one therapist doesn't cut the mustard, there are others....

 

but as you have no funds, perhaps you could ask around for any organisations which accept whatever the client can afford - even if it's nothing one week and $10 the next....?

 

Don't let one person put you off!

 

If we all did that, we'd all be single, wouldn't we....?!

 

You doctor may be able to point you in the right direction.

[Nyla]

It is obvious that your mother does not wish to answer this question, so stop asking her. Why is it so important for you to know why she didn't leave home until she was married? Perhaps she was conforming to what was expected of a woman at that time.

 

My mother never lived alone in her life and she married without going to college. She also stayed with my dad despite his cheating and physical abuse which occurred before I was born. My father is waited on hand and foot by my mother as well.

 

While I don't agree with her choices, I understand that my mother is from a different generation and culture. She is horrified with some of my choices as well; I am far too modern for her.

[Sugarkane]

I have stopped asking her questions. I don't know why Its an insult to ask what it was like, when she was my age. Her complete lack of empathy and oddly getting angry when i ask for advice trumps anything I politely ask her. I wonder why you would have kids if someone is like this. Most people would be happy that their daughter is even interested.

Edited February 21, 2013 by Sugarkane

[Sugarkane]

I think I deserve some answers. When my cousins all had kids young and my dad yelled in my face not to do the same. Why is that being immature? You wouldn't say the same if I did that to them, though would you?

If you feel your family is dysfunctional, then how do you feel getting these answers from them will even help you? What's the magic answer you're looking for?

 

If they are genuinely as dysfunctional as you say and treated you like shyte, you need to 1) distance yourself from them, and 2) seek therapy to work your issues out by yourself, as many of us have suggested throughout your entire time in LS. Not hanging on to their elbow pestering them for answers like a little kid. If you constantly act like a kid, you're just enabling people to continue treating you like one.

[Wolfcub]

In a normal family Sugarcane wouldn't even have to ask those questions, she/he (sorry, did not notice other posts, may have known which it should be) would know all the story since early childhood. + many more stories about grandparents, greatgrandparents, etc, all uncles and aunts, cousins - who did something worth remembering (even if strange), who earned a fortune, who was a gambler and lost everything, who had 14 husbands, who fell of a hay stack at age of 10, who had a wise cat. All those things that make a child understand the people around and feel united with the immediate family and generations long gone. If parents do not tell anything to their own child - I would say there is a murder to hide. At least. Maybe mass murder and jail sentence? What else could be so bad to make them treat a child like a complete stranger? Also adopted child deserves information, because those are the people the child is growing up with and will associate the whole life. Parent's achievements and mistakes are child's legitimate intellectual property, necessary to build a life on.

[Sugarkane]

I dont think theres any murders or anything like that- my parents would be dead against it and arent friends with dodgy people. I dpubt im adopted because you can see the strong resemblance. My extended family we dont see often and the ones i like live far away. This annoys me a lot. My dad isnt close to his family at all. Although my dad waited years to tell us that his dad was born out of wedlock and thinks his grandmother did sell her body- there's no proof of this at all and everything is rumors. I don't know why he waited, being out of wedlock means nothing today. QUOTE=Wolfcub;4632067]In a normal family Sugarcane wouldn't even have to ask those questions, she/he (sorry, did not notice other posts, may have known which it should be) would know all the story since early childhood. + many more stories about grandparents, greatgrandparents, etc, all uncles and aunts, cousins - who did something worth remembering (even if strange), who earned a fortune, who was a gambler and lost everything, who had 14 husbands, who fell of a hay stack at age of 10, who had a wise cat. All those things that make a child understand the people around and feel united with the immediate family and generations long gone. If parents do not tell anything to their own child - I would say there is a murder to hide. At least. Maybe mass murder and jail sentence? What else could be so bad to make them treat a child like a complete stranger? Also adopted child deserves information, because those are the people the child is growing up with and will associate the whole life. Parent's achievements and mistakes are child's legitimate intellectual property, necessary to build a life on.

[Sugarkane]

Your posting style in this thread (and in another recent one about your mother, baby boomers and going to uni) is rather blunt. If this is how you are questioning your parents, plus showing your criticim for past choices that they may not actually have been able to make as easily as you think, then if I were them I would also get frustrated with you. You may think you are never rude but you might actually be coming across as rude.

 

I tried to be blunt as I've been told I'm not blunt enough on here.

[Sugarkane]

I wish adoption would explain it. It would explain some things eg why they're so indifferent and cold a lot of the time. And why when an aunt immaturely vetbally attacked me (while in tears already). They completely ignored it, but if coarse for some reason we're not allowed to verbally attack family members- when they are down right rude.